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Author: Subject: Joke Of The Day Thread

A Peach Supreme





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  posted on 11/7/2008 at 08:58 PM
Bring them on. We can all use a good laugh. Bluedad, hope you don't get offended!

The Pig
A man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says,
"Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."

His wife is lying in bed and replies, "I think you'll find that is a sheep, you idiot".

The man says, "I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you!


[Edited on 11/8/2008 by Mulehead1]

 

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  posted on 11/7/2008 at 09:02 PM
thats NOT Funny

 

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  posted on 11/7/2008 at 09:09 PM
was too.

 

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  posted on 11/7/2008 at 09:11 PM
quote:
thats NOT Funny

Then lets hear yours!

 

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  posted on 11/7/2008 at 09:26 PM
quote:
quote:
thats NOT Funny

Ok Philly. Maybe this one is funnier.

One day, George Bush goes into a store. He gets an item and walks up to the cashier. George says,"I'd like to buy this TV".

He says,"Sorry, you're George Bush...we don't sell to **** s".

The next day, He dyes his hair red and goes back in the store, but the same thing happens.

Finally, he shaves his head, puts on a fake moustache and goes back in. When he tries to buy it for the third time, the man refuses.

George says, "How the hell do you know I'm George Bush?".

He replied, "First of all, that's a microwave."

 

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  posted on 11/7/2008 at 09:30 PM
I don't get it perhaps I am dense

 

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  posted on 11/7/2008 at 09:42 PM
A man moves into a new neighborhood and decides he needs a companion. So he walks down to the local Pet store and upon entering is Immediately accosted by a parrot in a large cage in the center of the store.

"Caaaw...Hey Buddy..Caaw...come over here"..screamed the parrot

"Who me?" came the reply

"Caaaw...Yeah you..caaw, come over here"

So the man ambles over to the bird and peers into the cage.

"Are you squawking at me?".. he asks

"Caaaw... F**K you!" the parrot screams.. "Caaaaw, F**K you!"

the man leaves, returns the next day to continue his search for a pet and finds that the parrot sees him and continues to yell obscenities at him.

"Hey buddy, come here...caaaaw... F**K you!"

This goes on for about a week before the man has finally had enough and approaches the manager to complain about the bird. The manager says he'll take care of it and approaches the parrot.

"Listen here".. the manager quips at the bird. "If I hear so much as a word out of you when that man returns, I'm gonna reach into that cage, grab you and break your little neck... You got that?"

The bird nods his head up and down in rapid succession showing the manager that he understands.

The following day the man returns and the bird chimes right in..

"Hey Buddy, caaaw. hey Buddy come over here... caaaw"

The man hesitantly walks over to the cage and says to the Parrot..

"yeah.. what is it now?"

The parrot looks at him and says... "Caaaaw... You know"

 

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  posted on 11/8/2008 at 07:43 AM
One sunny day in *2009 *an old man approaches the White House from

> across Pennsylvania Avenue , where he's been sitting on a park bench.
>
> He speaks to the U.S. Marine standing guard and says, 'I would like to
>
> go in and meet with President Bush.'
>
> The Marine looks at the man and says, 'Sir, Mr. Bush is no longer
>
> president and no longer resides here.
>
> The old man says, 'Okay' and walks away.
>
>
> The following day, the same man approaches the White House and says to
>
> the same Marine, 'I would like to go in and meet with President
Bush.'
>
> The Marine again tells the man, 'Sir, as I said
yesterday, Mr. Bush is
>
> no longer president and no longer resides here.'
>
> The man thanks him and, again, just walks away.
>
>
> The third day, the same man approaches the White House and speaks to
>
> the very same U.S. Marine, saying 'I would like to go in and meet with
>
> President Bush.'
>
> The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looks at the man
>
> and says, 'Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been
>
> here asking to speak to Mr. Bush. I've told you already that Mr. Bush
>
> is no longer the president and no longer resides here. Don't
>
> you understand?'
>
> The old man looks at the Marine and says, 'Oh, I understand. I just
>
> love hearing it.'
>
> The Marine snaps to attention, salutes, and says, 'See you
>
>
tomorrow.'















[Edited on 11/8/2008 by les_paul_sunburst]

 

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  posted on 11/8/2008 at 10:55 PM
A Bishop is leaving church when he spots a young boy smoking a cigarette. He stops and asks the boy..."Hey, aren't you a bit young to be smoking?".."How old are you?".. The boy responds, "I'm six".. "SIX?" the Bishop replies. "When did you start smoking?".. "Right after the first time I had sex".. the boy answered. "SEX?" the Bishop said... "When was that?..How old were you?".. "I don't remember"..the boy said... "I was Drunk".

 

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  posted on 11/9/2008 at 09:05 PM
quote:
Bring them on. We can all use a good laugh. Bluedad, hope you don't get offended!

The Pig
A man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says,
"Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."

His wife is lying in bed and replies, "I think you'll find that is a sheep, you idiot".

The man says, "I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you!


[Edited on 11/8/2008 by Mulehead1]


I got it...LOL

 

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  posted on 11/9/2008 at 11:37 PM
When you're hospitalized, it pays to be nice to your nurse, even when you're feeling miserable. A bossy businessman learned the hard way after ordering his nurses around as if they were his employees. But the head nurse stood up to him. One morning she entered his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature."

After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth. "No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer." This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his bottom. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay just like that until I get back!"

She left the door to his room open on her way out, and he cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door laughing. After almost an hour, the man's doctor came into the room. "What's going on here?" asked the doctor.

Angrily, the man answered, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?" "Yes," said the doctor. "But never with a carnation."

 

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  posted on 11/10/2008 at 08:53 PM
Top Ten Signs you Maybe Drinking Too Much
1. You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
2. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
3. The back of your head has a callous from getting hit by the toilet seat.
4. You can focus better with one eye closed.
5. The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
6. You plan on naming your illegitimate kids Barley and Hops.
7. Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.
8. At AA meetings you begin: “Hi, my name is… uh…”
9. The whole bar says ‘Hi’ when you walk in.
10. The flowers near your house are drunk from too frequent watering.

[Edited on 11/11/2008 by Mulehead1]

 

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  posted on 11/10/2008 at 09:21 PM

 

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  posted on 11/11/2008 at 12:08 PM
One year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister's house for the traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the store.

When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, and inserted it into the turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back in the oven.

When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird. With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, "Patricia, you've cooked a pregnant bird!"

At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry. It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs!

Yep..................SHE'S BLONDE!

 

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  posted on 11/12/2008 at 11:16 AM
When to start Cussing....

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. 'You know what?' says the 6 year old. 'I think it's about time we started cussing. The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues, 'When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass.' The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, 'Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios.'
WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the
kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, 'You can stay there until I let you out!'
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, 'And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?' I don't know, he blubbers, 'but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!'

 

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  posted on 11/12/2008 at 08:58 PM
The cussing joke totally cracks me up. And I've heard it before. Except last time they said, "sweet ass". ROFLMAO!!!

Deb, your mother didn't really do that did she?

This is a good thread.

[Edited on 11/13/2008 by ruthelane]

 

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  posted on 11/13/2008 at 12:51 PM
A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash.

Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, 'I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?'

'My wife's.'

'What happened to her?'


The man replied, 'My dog attacked and killed her.'


He enquired further, 'But who is in the second hearse?'


The man answered, 'My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her.'


A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.


'Can I borrow the dog?'


'Get in line.'

 

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  posted on 11/13/2008 at 11:25 PM
Letter From a Farm Kid
Dear Ma and Pa,

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine
Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick
before all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m.
but I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before
breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed
to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.

Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is
strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak
on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food,
but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on
coffee. Their food plus yours holds you until noon when you get fed again.
It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.

We go on "route marches," which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to
harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A "route
march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get
sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.

The country is nice but awful flat The sergeant is like a school teacher. He
nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just
ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for
shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head
and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home.
All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load
your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle
with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy.
It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they
got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake I only beat
him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds
and he's 6'8" and near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get
onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,

Alice

 

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  posted on 11/14/2008 at 12:19 PM
bro youre jokes are topshelf

 

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  posted on 11/14/2008 at 12:43 PM

A doctor sits down to write out a prescription.
Reaching into his top pocket, he pulls out a thermometer.
Doctor says "Oh great, some assh**e has my pen".


 

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  posted on 11/14/2008 at 12:56 PM
Game warden was driving down the road when he came upon a young boy carrying a wild turkey under his arm.

He stopped and asked the boy, 'Where did you get that turkey?'

The boy replied, 'What turkey?'

The game warden said, 'That turkey you're carrying under your arm.'

The boy looks down and said, 'Well, lookee here, a turkey done roosted under my arm!'

The game warden said, 'Now look, you know turkey season is closed, so whatever you do to that turkey, I'm going to do to you. If you break his leg, I'm gonna break your leg. If you break his wing, I'll break your arm. Whatever you do to him, I'll do to you. So, what are you gonna do with him?'

The little boy said, 'I guess I'll just kiss his a** and let him go!'

 

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  posted on 11/14/2008 at 01:07 PM
LMAO Deb.

 

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  posted on 11/15/2008 at 10:48 PM
A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab and notices that the very handsome driver won't stop staring at her through the rearview mirror.
She asks him why he is staring.
He replies," I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you."
She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you are my age and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything."
"I'm sure there's nothing you could ask that I would find offensive."
"Well I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me," he says.
She responds, "Let's see what we can do about that, but #1 you have to be single, and #2 you have to be Catholic."
The cab driver very excitedly says, "Yes I'm single and Catholic!"
"Then pull into the next alley," she says.
The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road the cabbie starts crying. The nun asks, "why are you crying my son?"
"Because I lied, I'm married and Jewish."
"That's ok," says the nun, "My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."

 

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  posted on 11/15/2008 at 11:08 PM
now that is funnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnny!!!!!!!!!

 

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  posted on 11/16/2008 at 04:52 PM
A guy buys his girlfriend flowers, she reacts by saying" I guess I'll have to spread my legs". He says" why don't you have a vase?"

 

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Life ain't sh-t,without a joint.

 
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