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Author: Subject: The Onion

Ultimate Peach





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  posted on 9/10/2008 at 08:57 AM
How I love it......

Struggling Air Force One To Begin Selling Passenger Tickets
SEPTEMBER 10, 2008 | ISSUE 44•37

WASHINGTON—With oil prices hitting record levels, the United States Air Force announced today that it has begun selling passenger tickets on all flights operated by its Air Force One fleet in order to maintain the service as a "feasible enterprise."

Passengers can purchase their tickets online or through Condoleezza Rice.
"It no longer makes sense financially to let one passenger dictate when and where we travel," acting Secretary of the Air Force Michael Donley said in a press conference at the Pentagon, the Air Force's corporate headquarters in Arlington, VA. "We've got a big plane here, and there's no reason we shouldn't be filling it."
Air Force One has been in operation since 1943. Like other "legacy carriers," it had trouble remaining solvent following industry deregulation in 1978, but the service was able to stay afloat thanks to increased summit travel to the Middle East through the early 1980s. Now, however, as costs continue to skyrocket, Air Force One has been forced to make changes to survive in the current economic climate.
"We've made some major changes to Air Force One in order to reflect our new emphasis on customer service," said Air Force chief of staff Gen. T. Michael Moseley. "On each aircraft, the conference room, office, workout room, bedroom, and war room have been gutted and replaced with narrow rows and plush seats to accommodate additional passengers. Our former private chef service has been replaced by carts of drinks and economically priced prepackaged snacks. Even the escape hatch, originally designed for sneaking away from Kazakh hijackers but never used, has been converted into luggage storage."

Air Force One Air has begun running its ads in local newspapers and Pennysavers in the D.C. Metro area.
As a final cost-cutting measure, Moseley added, legroom was reduced by approximately 3,400 square feet.
In addition to retooling the interior, the Air Force has also instituted new fees to stay competitive and cut costs. Passengers bringing extra luggage items on board, such as fishing gear or a Scottish terrier, will be subject to a fee of $25. Nonalcoholic beer, the most popular beverage on Air Force One for most of the past decade, is no longer free, but sold at $3 a bottle. Customers, however, can now choose to pay $98 a year to skip the hassle of going through the security measures required on standard carriers.
The struggling airline sold its first passenger seats for a trial flight last month from Washington to Ottawa.
Although the flight typically lasts no more than two hours, to ensure a full aircraft, additional stops were scheduled in Louisville, Kansas City, Omaha, Des Moines, Chicago, Lansing, Detroit, a top-secret international conference in Kuwait, and Toronto. Further delays ensued when high air-traffic congestion slowed scheduled departures from Omaha and Toronto, and security measures—implemented by the Secret Service due to a last-minute CIA intelligence brief—resulted in an Indianapolis stop being canceled altogether. The airplane finally landed in Ottawa 27 hours after departing Washington.
Passengers thus far have had mixed reactions to flying with Air Force One. "It was pretty much what you'd expect from any airline, though we had to stop over in Kyoto, Japan for some reason," said Liz Silvius, 44, of McLean, VA, who was traveling with her family on a trip to Orlando. "And the in-flight movie was a State Department briefing on the North Korean nuclear threat. Not to mention that the guy sitting behind me wouldn't shut up about all the brush he cleared at his ranch."
One Washington resident and Air Force One frequent flyer, however, was unhappy. The 62-year-old government employee, who neglected to give his name, said he has used the airline for all his business trips since 2001 and "never had a problem before," but was surprised by the changes made under the new system. After 14 stops, he said, the Boeing 747 finally arrived at his destination city, where friends had been waiting seven hours to pick him up for the treaty signing they were attending.
"I've flown with [Air Force One] for a long time, but next time I may have to go on the Internet and see what else is out there," he said. "The government really needs to step in and do something about the fuel crisis in this country before it really gets out of hand."
Sources report that the Air Force considered selling passenger tickets on Air Force Two as well, but Vice President Cheney decided it was unnecessary.

 

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Zen Peach



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  posted on 9/10/2008 at 09:05 AM
The Onion has the best material.

 

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Quit!

 

True Peach



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  posted on 9/10/2008 at 11:07 AM
"Cheney decided it was unnecessary"

I wonder if it's because he's practicing his skeet shooting....

and not very well, I might add....

 

Zen Peach



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  posted on 9/10/2008 at 11:25 AM
Love the Onion!

 

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True Peach



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  posted on 9/10/2008 at 11:37 AM

 

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Ultimate Peach



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  posted on 9/16/2008 at 02:22 PM
http://www.theonion.com/content/video/disney_lab_unveils_its_latest?utm_sou rce=onion_rss_daily

 

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We can bomb the world to pieces, but we can't bomb it into peace. - Michael Franti

 

Ultimate Peach



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  posted on 9/16/2008 at 02:26 PM
quote:
"Cheney decided it was unnecessary"

I wonder if it's because he's practicing his skeet shooting....

and not very well, I might add....


Practice makes perfect...imagine if he and W had been out in the woods together that day?

 

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Zen Peach



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  posted on 9/16/2008 at 02:47 PM
quote:
http://www.theonion.com/content/video/disney_lab_unveils_its_latest?u tm_source=onion_rss_daily
LOL - I have suspected as much for some time now. I enjoyed this recent news development:
http://www.theonion.com/content/video/cosmopolitan_institute_completes

 

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"Come on down to the Mermaid Cafe and I will buy you a bottle of wine, and we'll laugh and toast to nothing and smash our empty glasses down..."

 

Ultimate Peach



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  posted on 9/16/2008 at 02:56 PM
quote:
quote:
http://www.theonion.com/content/video/disney_lab_unveils_its_la test?utm_source=onion_rss_daily
LOL - I have suspected as much for some time now. I enjoyed this recent news development:
http://www.theonion.com/content/video/cosmopolitan_institute_completes



Who knew?

 

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Zen Peach



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  posted on 9/16/2008 at 03:18 PM
Here is one of my favorites, being a builder and designer I can relate.

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/38734

 

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Zen Peach



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  posted on 9/16/2008 at 03:28 PM
quote:
Here is one of my favorites, being a builder and designer I can relate.

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/38734
LMAO - Imagine the confusion ... (please wait in the foyer - I'll be right out...)

 

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"Come on down to the Mermaid Cafe and I will buy you a bottle of wine, and we'll laugh and toast to nothing and smash our empty glasses down..."

 

Ultimate Peach



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  posted on 9/16/2008 at 03:45 PM
quote:
Here is one of my favorites, being a builder and designer I can relate.

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/38734


Hysterical!!! I'm a PM for a GC. I just forwarded to my associates. They probably won't think it's funny.

 

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Zen Peach



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  posted on 9/16/2008 at 03:57 PM
quote:
quote:
Here is one of my favorites, being a builder and designer I can relate.

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/38734
LMAO - Imagine the confusion ... (please wait in the foyer - I'll be right out...)


dude come on in I'm in the foyer

 

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Ultimate Peach



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  posted on 9/22/2008 at 12:56 PM
CASH-STRAPPED NPR LAUNCHES 'A COUPLE THINGS CONSIDERED'
SEPTEMBER 22, 2008 | ISSUE 44•39


WASHINGTON—Facing major cutbacks, National Public Radio has been forced to retool and relaunch its popular program All Things Considered as a truncated newscast that now only considers a couple, maybe three things per show. "We'd love to consider all things, but the reality is we no longer have the resources necessary to do so," host Michele Norris said following the new show's first broadcast, in which rising gas prices and jazz legend Wynton Marsalis were considered. "We'll still be able to mention six or seven things, gloss over four, and reference five, but we cannot afford to give every single thing our full consideration. Perhaps we were biting off more than we could chew in the first place." A Couple Things Considered is just one of many new shows brought about by budget constraints, along with NPR's recently launched Bicycle Talk and Public Radio International's This Tri-State Area Life.

 

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  posted on 9/22/2008 at 01:01 PM
FOXBOROUGH, MA—More than 90 percent of female football fans were lost for the season on Sunday when New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady suffered a left knee injury that will require extensive treatment. The Patriots announced Monday that Brady, the 2007 NFL Most Valuable Player and arguably the NFL's most handsome man, will be placed on injured reserve, where despite being no less attractive than before his injury, he will only be partially visible for the rest of the 2008-2009 season.

 

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Ultimate Peach



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  posted on 9/29/2008 at 07:11 AM

Wealthy Teen Nearly Experiences Consequence
SEPTEMBER 27, 2008 | ISSUE 44•39

SOMERSET, NJ—In what local authorities are calling a "near tragedy," Charles Wentworth, a 17-year-old Rutgers Preparatory senior and member of the affluent Wentworth family, came perilously close to suffering a consequence resulting from his own wrongdoing Saturday.
Wentworth made his senior photo shoot even after coming within inches of an actual repercussion from the accident.
Wentworth, reportedly ignoring the protests of his classmates, got behind the wheel of his turbocharged Supra 2000GT after consuming half the contents of a bottle of Goldschläger at a friend's party. While driving westbound on Route 27, a disoriented Wentworth drifted across two lanes of traffic and collided with a minivan carrying a family of four, bringing the teen face-to-face with a potentially life-altering lesson.
Wentworth escaped unscathed and unpunished, however, when his airbags deployed and a team of high-powered attorneys rushed to the scene and rescued him from the brink of personal responsibility.
"Amazingly, Mr. Wentworth did not experience a single repercussion for consuming alcohol under age or operating a motor vehicle while intoxicated, and is furthermore completely unaware that he did anything wrong," local police chief Marvin Taylor said. "He is a very lucky boy."
"If he had been driving just 5 mph faster, or if his parents hadn't had the influence to keep the matter out of court and the endless financial resources to lease a car of the exact same make and model to prevent him from having to face even the relatively trivial humiliation of being taunted by his peers for driving a slightly less expensive vehicle—my God, who knows what could have happened?" Taylor added. "He could have died or, worse, been held accountable for his actions."
The accident
According to police reports that have since been shredded and stricken from Wentworth's permanent record, when briefly taken into custody, the privileged teenager began swearing, vomiting, and kicking at the windows of the squad car in which he was momentarily placed following the collision. Wentworth later said the only thing that got him through that dark time was thinking of his rich, well-connected loved ones. With them in mind, he repeatedly shouted, "Don't you know who I am?" and summoned the strength to refuse a field sobriety test.
"A lot of kids in Charles' situation would have confessed and accepted punishment for their mistake, but my son is strong," said Wentworth's father, aluminum magnate Herman Wentworth, who after arriving at the crash site told his son that "everything is taken care of," and while Charles sat in his father's BMW texting his friends, loudly threatened to call the police commissioner if any charges were pressed. "Charles would never allow himself to give up and gain valuable insight into the way things work in the real world without a fight."
District Judge and close friend of the Wentworth family Donald Lamb agreed.
"Charles is very lucky to be alive and well-off," Lamb told reporters. "The fact that he was able to walk away from this crash with no injuries, zero remorse, and his skewed priorities in one piece is a miracle."
Despite returning to the safety of his $2.3 million home, Wentworth's harrowing brush with consequence was not over.
A week after the near ordeal, Wentworth was again put in jeopardy of learning a lesson when he was nearly sentenced to 50 hours of community service. Tragedy was averted, however, when his mother paid a consultant to testify before the judge that Wentworth had suffered emotional trauma. Further, during this time, Wentworth was forced to put his video game on pause for several seconds in order to sign affidavits stating that the Breathalyzer was administered improperly.
"To think that I was that close to seeing that there is an entire society with its own laws and standards outside my protected sphere of wealth and privilege—it's frightening," Wentworth said. "It almost makes you consider your actions and their impact on others. Almost."
"I'm just grateful I can finally get back to my life as a self-centered **** who believes the entire world revolves around him," Wentworth added. "After all, I was just admitted to Columbia despite almost failing out of high school because I rarely attended class, and it would have been a shame to have had to defer for a semester just because of some legal...unpleasantry."
At press time, Wentworth is resting comfortably on a six-figure inheritance in a chaise lounge by his backyard pool. The other four victims of the crash remain in intensive care at St. Peter's University Hospital, suffering from conditions ranging from poor to lower-class.

 

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We can bomb the world to pieces, but we can't bomb it into peace. - Michael Franti

 

Ultimate Peach



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  posted on 11/12/2008 at 12:24 PM
I Bet My 40s Are Totally Going To RockBY ED HEIDEGGER
39-YEAR-OLD
NOVEMBER 12, 2008 | ISSUE 44•46

You know what I'm really excited about? Turning 40! The Big Four-Oh. I've got one hell of a landmark birthday coming up, and I'm pumped! I may have spent these past 39 years meandering through life, focused only on petty concerns, without any direction or drive, but not anymore. My unremarkable childhood, my awkward adolescence, my purposeless teens through early 30s—it's all been leading up to this. So look out world, because for the second half of my life, I'm going to rock out like a **** !

Once I hit 40, man, there's going to be no stopping me. Soon as the big birthday rolls around, I'm planning on starting that novel, opening my long-dreamed-of record store, and finally breaking into the experimental underground film scene. By the time I'm 43, I wouldn't be surprised if I'm the hippest person I know. Hey—I've got a steady paycheck coming in, so there's no reason to put off being kick-ass any longer.

No chance I'm spending the last 50 percent of my life as a lame-o.
It's natural, at my age, to doubt yourself. But that's no kind of an attitude to have, dude! Sure, I've tried to rock for 39 years and I've failed. But I can't let myself quit now! This is my chance to finally achieve all the dreams I've spent more than three dozen years accruing.

This could be the decade!
As long as I stay focused on my original goal, established at age 12, of having a rocking life, the sky's the limit. Sure, I haven't managed to achieve anything so far. Fair enough. But the way I figure it, I can either let myself get depressed about that fact like I did when I turned 18, 21, 25, 30, 35, and 39, or I can choose to look at this as an opportunity. An opportunity to rock!

After all, who says just because the first four decades of a person's life were totally square that the rest of his life has to be boring, too?

Man, after 40 years of saving it up, can you imagine how hard I'm going to rock? I've already started growing some totally bitching, long flowing hair, just like I always wanted. Now I have to find some cool shades and jeans, and once I've got the look and maybe a sweet hog to ride, it's going to be hot chick city for this middle-aged Gen Xer. No more double dates with my sister-in-law's single friends.

And you can bet your ass that as soon as I find a reputable establishment, I'm going to overcome my shyness and get that badass flaming-skull forearm tattoo I sketched out in the 11th grade.
Maybe I'll spend my birthday day fixing up that rad Camaro that's been sitting on blocks behind Dad's garage since 1986. And now that there's no stodgy-ass adults telling me I can't put that awesome tape deck and killer Panasonic sound system in it, I can blare loud rocking tunes as I cruise down the street, turning heads and moistening panties. The fact that it's taken 22 years to do might be a blessing in disguise, because with the advanced new speakers they have now, I bet cranking the bitchin' tunes will be more satisfying than ever.

Sure, I've had setbacks. Getting assigned clarinet instead of the drums in eighth-grade band. Never really fitting in in high school. Spending too much time at the library in college instead of sneaking onto the roof of the student union to get high. Never following through on those Ozzy tickets I considered buying myself for my 35th birthday. All my life, I've felt stifled, incomplete, unable to truly rock out.
But all that ends now! Fifth decade's the charm!

Because facing a birthday like this one puts things in perspective. You reassess what's truly important and you start to ask yourself the big questions: Like, will I ever really be able to pull off the leather pants look? What's it going to be like once I'm finally one of the "cool kids"? Do I really have it in me to someday achieve the confidence, self-esteem, and sex appeal necessary to be the wicked party monster I've always known, deep down, I could be?

So who gives a **** that I've never skinny-dipped with naked hippie chicks, or won a battle of the bands, or been photographed with all the hottest up-and-coming celebrities, or learned to dance or light a cigarette in any kind of cool way? I just had my yearly physical, and according to the results of my blood work and stress test, I've got years ahead of me. If I watch my cholesterol and add 30 minutes of walking into my daily routine, I'll be rocking well into my 90s.

I can do anything I want as long as I don't give up on 30 years of pent-up dreams. Just because I've never road-tripped to Daytona Beach for a drunken spree of anything-goes Spring Break bacchanalia doesn't mean it's never going to happen, right? If at first you don't succeed, rock, rock again!

I'm almost 40 years old, and it's time to rock!
It's never too late!


 

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We can bomb the world to pieces, but we can't bomb it into peace. - Michael Franti

 
 


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