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Author: Subject: Complaint Letter

Universal Peach





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  posted on 4/3/2008 at 10:39 AM
quote:
This is an actual letter from an Austin woman sent to American company Proctor and Gamble regarding their feminine products. She really gets rolling after the first paragraph. It's PC Magazine's 2007 editors' choice for best webmail-award-winning letter.

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from the curse'? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.' Isn't the human body amazing?

As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, cryingjags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy!

The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that Americais just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: 'Have a Happy Period.'

Are you fu*ing kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or 'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong', or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bull sh*t. And that's a promise I will keep. Always.

Best,
Wendi Aarons
Austin, TX

 
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Zen Peach



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  posted on 4/3/2008 at 10:45 AM
f-16 in my pants !


hilarious!

 

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Zen Peach



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  posted on 4/3/2008 at 10:50 AM
Middle managers...always trying to justify their position.

 

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Zen Peach



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  posted on 4/3/2008 at 10:51 AM
ROTFLMAO!!! Wendi Aarons is one of my new heroes!!!

 

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  posted on 4/3/2008 at 11:55 AM
That was funny.

 

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Zen Peach



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  posted on 4/3/2008 at 01:40 PM
With her articulate manner and appreciation for age issues, I think this woman would make an excellent choice for V.P. on the McCain ticket.

Imagine the possibilities

 

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Zen Peach



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  posted on 4/3/2008 at 01:45 PM
ROTFLMAO! Perfection!

 

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Zen Peach



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  posted on 4/3/2008 at 03:58 PM
RIGHT ON! STICK IT TO THE MAN!!

LMAO!

 

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Zen Peach



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  posted on 4/3/2008 at 04:07 PM
ROFLMAO!!! Good for you, Wendy!!!
 

Zen Peach



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  posted on 4/3/2008 at 05:53 PM
Too F'n funny..LOL!

 

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Ultimate Peach



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  posted on 4/4/2008 at 07:49 AM
quote:
f-16 in my pants !


hilarious!

+1. I was thinking of Lowell's Rocket in My Pocket or Fat Man in The Bathtub reading this...

 

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Sublime Peach



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  posted on 4/4/2008 at 07:54 AM
Very Funny .... the f-16 in my pants.. I spit out my morning coffee.... Some people just have a way with words.. LOL

 

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Peach Pro



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  posted on 4/5/2008 at 05:43 AM
Just emailed it around
*lol*
What a way with words:-)
She depicts exactly how mood swings very quickly *lol*

 

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  posted on 4/5/2008 at 07:42 AM
i just found my new best friend i always said i wish a man could be pregnant & have a period just one time in they lifes,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,after 30 minutes they be hollerin for the calf rope,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

 

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Zen Peach



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  posted on 4/5/2008 at 08:18 AM
quote:
With her articulate manner and appreciation for age issues, I think this woman would make an excellent choice for V.P. on the McCain ticket.


Exactly, free F-16's for all Iraqi women.

 

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Zen Peach



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  posted on 4/5/2008 at 01:12 PM
It would be funny if it weren't true that there are so many homicidal women out there; when there does not need to be. Part of the problem is the Dr.'s. They don't know, don't care to find out how to alleviate women's miseries. Primrose oil (get it at a vitamin store) will correct the problem which causes most the cramps in women. The problem is due to an excess production of a hormone called PgF2. The hormone causes spasming of the uterus, which causes the cramps, which causes the pain. How much of this stuff do you need to take, the capsules come in 500 mgs. 2500 mgs. as a loading dose* should give you relief, then 500 mgs. every 4 hrs. thereafter will continue the relief. (*;loading dose is the initial amount of substance necessary to saturate the binding sites in your body; your body has natural receptors that will utilize drugs and chemicals, the drugs go to these sites and start getting metabolized there; once you have saturated the binding sites you only need maintenance amounts to bring sustained relief; once the binding sites are saturated if you take more than they can metabolize, the excess you are taking will not be metabolized by the body; so you want to maximize your relief as quickly; but safely as possible). There really is no need for anyone to be sufferring. Natural relief is available. Pain is neither a natural or necessary state of being.

 

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Zen Peach



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  posted on 4/5/2008 at 01:13 PM
PgF2 is Prostaglandin F2 and if anybody's Dr. has never heard of it, get another Dr. cause the one you are dealing with is clue-less.

 

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