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Author: Subject: Jokes

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  posted on 10/28/2005 at 08:33 PM
quote:
Nonjoke followup on the previous post:

BOOK REVIEW DESK
The Master Builder
By EUGENIA ZUKERMAN
Published: April 24, 2005, Sunday

STRADIVARI'S GENIUS:
Five Violins, One Cello, and
Three Centuries of Enduring Perfection

By Toby Faber

IT is said that the sound of a violin most closely approximates the human voice. If so, then a violin made by Antonio Stradivari is the prima donna assoluta of the instrument. Stradivari (1644-1737) fashioned more than 1,000 stringed instruments -- violins, violas, cellos, a guitar or two, and a harp. Today some 600 remain. Highly prized and priced, Stradivaris have been traded, sold, hidden, stolen, and even buried. They have been owned by royalty and rabble, played by amateurs and virtuosos, survived wars, floods, and other natural disasters. In the right hands these legendary instruments have made listeners weep, fall in love, and believe in God; they have provided romantic fodder for novels like John Hersey's Antonietta and films like François Girard's Red Violin. But Stradivari's Genius, Toby Faber's first book and a work of nonfiction, is more enthralling, earthy, and illuminating than any fiction could possibly be. . . .

It was not until Catherine de' Medici's patronage in the mid-16th century, when, exiled to France for an arranged marriage, she ordered a set of 38 stringed instruments from Cremona, that the violin gained respectability. With Catherine's purchase, which branded the Italian string instrument as the very finest, the violin became popular, and the stage was set for the great age of Cremonese luthiers.

Other fine craftsmen, like Amati and Guarneri, are discussed, but Faber's focus is on Antonio Stradivari. . . .

No one, however, can quibble with Faber's contention that Antonio Stradivari was ''destined to outshine all other luthiers'' and that he had a ''single-minded devotion to the aim of producing instruments better than any predecessor's.'' As Faber's lively book shows, there can be no doubt that this eccentric genius had an enormous impact on the musical history of the Western world.

Full book review
http://query.nytimes.com/gst/fullpage.html?res=9802E3DD103EF937A15757C0A963 9C8B63


Aw, shucks, I can buy 'em all day at the flea market for about 50 bucks. Pretty good fiddles, too. I'm huntin' one of them Guacamole jobs. Now, them is rare.

Now, while everybody has heard about Stradocaster fiddles, there may be some that don't know about Guacamoles. Hunt you a record by Jascha Heifetz. That's the Guacamole fiddle, properly applied.

Brahms Violin Concerto in D, Op.77, on RCA, is not a bad tune. Mournful-looking little dude could just run that fiddle up and let 'er eat.

[Edited on 10/29/2005 by Fuse]

 

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  posted on 10/29/2005 at 03:10 PM
Four guys are standing on top of a mountain.
The first guy says, "I am going to do this for the Bulls!", and then jumps off the mountain.
The second guy says, "I am going to do this for the Bears!", and then jumps off the mountain.
The third guy says, "I am going to do this for the White Sox!", and then pushes the Cubs player off the mountain.

[Edited on 10/29/2005 by jasonvancura]

 

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  posted on 10/31/2005 at 08:51 AM
This one is probably in this thread somewhere, but I love it:

A woman comes home one day and happily exclaims to her husband:

"Pack your bags! I've just won the lottery!!!"

Thrilled, he responds: "Honey, that's great! Where are we going?"

She answers: I'm not going anywhere, but you are getting the hell outta here!"

 

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you can't let one precious day slip by

 

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  posted on 10/31/2005 at 08:45 PM
A Husband was in big trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife told him, "Tomorrow there better be something in the driveway for me that goes zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat".

The next morning the wife found a small package in the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Funeral arrangements for the husband have been set for Saturday.

 

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  posted on 11/1/2005 at 11:08 PM
quote:
> > Four women were driving across the country. Each one was from a

> > different state: Idaho, Nebraska, South Carolina, and New York.

> >

> > Shortly after the trip began, the woman from Idaho started pulling



> > potatoes from her bag and throwing them out of the window.

> >

> > "What the heck are you doing?" demanded the Nebraskan.

> >

> > We have so many of these darn things in Idaho, I am just sick of

> > looking at them!"

> >

> > A moment later, the gal from Nebraska began pulling ears of corn

from

> > her bag and tossing them from the window.

> >

> > "What are you doing that for?" asked the gal from South Carolina.

> >

> > "We have so many of these things in Nebraska, I am just sick of

> > looking at them!"

> >

> > Inspired, the gal from South Carolina opened the car door and

pushed

> > the New Yorker out.




Hey! Yurtle, are you from where I'm stuck at for a while?

If so, don't panic. I know you and I have read books that were not about cowboys...

but on the other hand... neither you nor I are as smart as we think we are, are we?

Well, **** yes, we are!

Especially you. Most excellent humor, you rascal you.

 

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  posted on 11/2/2005 at 09:32 AM
Q: How does a woman break up with a farmer?





A: She sends him a John Deere letter.

 

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You don't need no gypsy to tell you why....
you can't let one precious day slip by

 

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  posted on 11/2/2005 at 09:48 AM
Captain Bravado



Long ago, there lived an officer of the Royal Navy named Captain Bravado. He was a manly man's man, who showed no fear when facing his enemies. One day, while sailing the Seven Seas, his lookout spotted a pirate ship approaching, and the crew became frantic. Captain Bravado bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!" The first mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, and while wearing the brightly colored frock, the Captain led his crew into battle and defeated the pirates. That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting the day's triumph. One of them asked the Captain, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before battle?" The captain replied, "If I were to be wounded in the attack, the shirt would not show my blood. Thus, you men would continue to fight, unafraid." All of the men sat and marveled at the courage of such a manly man's man. As dawn came the next morning, the lookout spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching. The crew stared in worshipful silence at the captain and waited for his usual orders. Captain Bravado gazed with steely eyes upon the vast armada arrayed against his ship, and without fear, turned and calmly shouted, "Get me my brown pants!"
JS


 

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  posted on 11/2/2005 at 01:26 PM
if con is the opposite of pro....

... then is congress the opposite of progress...

 

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  posted on 11/2/2005 at 05:53 PM
How can 1 + 1 + 1 = 1?

Because 1 foot + 1 foot + 1 foot = 1 yard.

 

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  posted on 11/2/2005 at 09:56 PM
APPLETON (AP) - A seven-year-old boy was at the center of an Appleton, Wisconsin courtroom drama yesterday, when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.

The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him.

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Green Bay Packers, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone at this time.

 

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  posted on 11/3/2005 at 12:52 AM
>A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the
>difference between potentially and realistically?"
>
>The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if
>she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your
>sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and
>then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million
>dollars. Come back and tell me what you learned."
>
>
>
>So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad
>Pitt for a million dollars?"
>
>The mother replied, "Of course I would! We could really use that money
>to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!"
>
>
>The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad
>Pitt for a million dollars?"
>
>The girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt. I would sleep with him
>in a heartbeat, are you nuts?!?!?!"
>
>
>The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad
>Pitt for a million dollars?"
>
>
>"Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million bucks
>would buy?"
>
>
>The boy pondered the answers for a few days, then went back to his dad.
>His father asked him, "So did you find out the difference between
>potentially and realistically?"
>
>The boy replied, "Yes... Potentially, you and I are sitting on three
>million dollars.... but realistically, .....we're living with two sluts
>and a queer."


 

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  posted on 11/12/2005 at 07:29 AM
A girl asks her boyfriend, to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announced to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the counter, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy: a 3-pack, 10-pack, or a family pack. "I'm really going to give it to this girl," the boy tells the pharmacist. "I intend to go for hours and hours." The pharmacist, with a laugh, suggests the family pack, saying the boy will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meet his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer with his head down. 10 minutes passes and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend finally leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious. " The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!!"



 

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  posted on 11/12/2005 at 09:25 AM
During the Great Depression, there was a man who walked into a bar one day. He went up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks."

The bartender said, "That's fine, but we're in the middle of the Depression, so I'll need to see some money first."

The guy pulled out a huge wad of bills and set them on the bar. The bartender can't believe what he's seeing. "Where did you get all that money?" asked the bartender.

"I'm a professional gambler," replied the man.

The bartender said, "There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are fifty-fifty at best, right?"

"Well, I only bet on sure things," said the guy.

"Like what?" asked the bartender.

"Well, for example, I'll bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye," he said.

The bartender thought about it. "Okay," he said.

So, the guy pulled out his false right eye and bit it. "Aw, you screwed me," said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50.

"I'll give you another chance. I'll bet you another fifty dollars that I can bite my left eye," said the stranger.

The bartender thought again and said, "Well, I know you're not blind, I mean, I watched you walk in here. I'll take that bet." So, the guy pulled out his false teeth and bit his left eye.

"Aw, you screwed me again!" protested the bartender.

"That's how I win so much money, bartender. I'll just take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the fifty dollars," said the man.

With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. Drunk as a skunk, he said, "Bartender, I'll give you one last chance. I'll bet you five hundred dollars that I can stand on this bar on one foot and piss into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop."

The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn't even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. "Okay, you're on," he said.

The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began pissing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle.

The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, "Hey pal, you owe me five hundred dollars!"

The guy climbed down off the bar and said, "That's okay. I just bet each of the guys in the card room a thousand bucks each that I could piss all over you and the bar and still make you laugh!"

 

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  posted on 7/23/2006 at 06:46 PM

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and
help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle and I can't figure out how to
get it started" Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when
it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the
box, it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets
him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the
table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box,
then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do,
we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything
resembling a tiger." He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you
to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then ."

He sighed...............

"Let's put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."

 

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  posted on 1/11/2007 at 04:11 PM
No jokes since July 06? Between the war and politics it's time loosen up a bit.....

Three old men are sitting on the porch of a retirement home. The first says, "Fellas, I got real problems. I'm seventy years old. Every morning at seven o'clock I get up and I try to urinate. All day long I try to urinate. They give me all kinds of medicine but nothing helps."

The second old man says, "You think you have problems. I'm eighty years old. Every morning at 8:00 I get up and try to move my bowels. I try all day long. They give me all kinds of stuff but nothing helps."

Finally the third old man speaks up, "Fellas: I'm ninety years old. Every morning at 7:00 sharp I urinate. Every morning at 8:00 I move my bowels. Every morning at 9:00 sharp I wake up."
JS

 

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  posted on 1/24/2007 at 03:36 PM
Two blondes are sitting outside gazing at the moon.

First blonde: Which is further, the moon or Florida?

Second blonde: Duh! We can't see Florida, can we?

 

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  posted on 1/24/2007 at 05:14 PM
Born a Baptist:

Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak. But all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic....and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday. The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest. The Priest came to visit Bubba and suggested that he become a Catholic. After several
classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass.....and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, "You were born a Baptist, and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic."

Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison again filled the neighborhood. The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors and as he rushed into Bubba's yard clutching a rosary preparing to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement.

There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted: "You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you is a catfish."

 

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  posted on 1/24/2007 at 11:55 PM
quote:
Here's a joke for ya... the New York Mets!!


Ha Ha Ha I'm rolling here. One game away from the world series last year is real funny. You must be a Braves fan.

 

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Where it All Began

 

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  posted on 1/25/2007 at 12:13 AM
A lesson to be learned from typing the wrong e-mail address...
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter.

They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send a e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address, and without realizing his error, sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack.

The widow decided to check her e-mail expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: October 16, 2004

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send E-mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Looking forward to seeing you then!
Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
PS. Sure is freaking hot down here!!!

 

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  posted on 1/27/2007 at 03:34 PM
Just the facts

A man is someone who takes out the trash and acts as if he'd cleaned the entire house.

 

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  posted on 1/27/2007 at 04:12 PM

 

True Peach



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  posted on 3/17/2007 at 04:13 PM
Two Irish guys walk out of a bar..........

 

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  posted on 3/17/2007 at 05:27 PM
quote:
Two Irish guys walk out of a bar..........


There was this Polish guy that didn't bowl.........

 

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  posted on 3/18/2007 at 02:33 AM
quote:
quote:
Two Irish guys walk out of a bar..........


There was this Polish guy that didn't bowl.........



I don't get it

 

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