Don't click or your IP will be banned


Hittin' The Web with the Allman Brothers Band Forum
You are not logged in

< Last Thread   Next Thread ><<  1    2    3    4  >>Ascending sortDescending sorting  
Author: Subject: Jokes

Zen Peach





Posts: 21270
(22774 all sites)
Registered: 8/25/2002
Status: Offline

  posted on 6/4/2003 at 03:16 PM
Everybody gets a good one once in a while, share them here. Try to keep it PG-13.

 

____________________

 
Visit User's Homepage
Replies:

Zen Peach



Karma:
Posts: 21270
(22774 all sites)
Registered: 8/25/2002
Status: Offline

  posted on 6/4/2003 at 03:13 PM
A husband takes his wife to play her first game of

golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot

right through the window of the biggest house adjacent

to the course.

The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now

we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize

and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."



So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the

door. A warm voice said, "Come on in."



When they opened the door they saw the damage that was

done: glass was all over the place, and a broken

antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken

window.



A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people

that broke my window?"



"Uh...yes. We're sure sorry about that," the

husband replied.



"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank

you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that

bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released

me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each

one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one

for myself."



"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a

second and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a

year for the rest of my life." "No problem," said the

genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll

guarantee you a long, healthy life!"



"And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie

asked.



"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants

in every country in the world," she said.



"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will

always be safe from fire, burglary and natural

disasters!"



"And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your

wish, genie?"



"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't

been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my

wish is to sleep with your wife."



The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey,

you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses.

What do you think?"



She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know,

you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I

wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"



"You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband.

"I'd do the same for you!"



So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they

spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The

genie was insatiable. After about three hours of nonstop

fun, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her

eyes and asked, How old are you and your husband?"

"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.


"Really?! Thirty-five years old and both of you still

believe in genies?"

 

____________________

 

Extreme Peach



Karma:
Posts: 1749
(1787 all sites)
Registered: 5/26/2003
Status: Offline

  posted on 6/4/2003 at 03:49 PM
A man who has been slipping in and out of a coma regains consciousness. He whispers to his wife, "youve been here through it all. When my business failed and we lost the house, you didn't leave. When my health went, you stayed by my side.. You know what?"

"What dear?" she asks gently..

"Get the hel away from me. I think your cursed."

 

____________________
What?! No! We can't stop here! This is bat country!! - R. Duke

 

Zen Peach



Karma:
Posts: 19435
(19449 all sites)
Registered: 6/9/2002
Status: Offline

  posted on 6/4/2003 at 04:14 PM
"I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."-Emo

"The toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to kill a loved one just because they're the devil. -- Emo Phillips

"I ran three miles today, finally I said "lady take your purse."-Emo

"You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers...damn anthropologists."--Emo

"I was walking home one night and a guy hammering on a roof called me a paranoid little weirdo...in morse code."--Emo

"I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants."-- A. Whitney Brown

"My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant."- Steve Wright

"I hope that after I die, people will say of me: 'That guy sure owed me a lot of money.'" - Jack Handey

 

____________________

 

Extreme Peach



Karma:
Posts: 1749
(1787 all sites)
Registered: 5/26/2003
Status: Offline

  posted on 6/4/2003 at 08:41 PM
lol i have a list of every jack handy quote made.. pm for the list if anyone wants it..

 

____________________
What?! No! We can't stop here! This is bat country!! - R. Duke

 

Extreme Peach



Karma:
Posts: 1749
(1787 all sites)
Registered: 5/26/2003
Status: Offline

  posted on 6/5/2003 at 10:06 PM
How many kids with A.D.D. does it take to change a lightbulb???
.


.


.


..


..


..

..

.

Do you wanna biking?! :

 

____________________
What?! No! We can't stop here! This is bat country!! - R. Duke

 

True Peach



Karma:
Posts: 14354
(14389 all sites)
Registered: 12/1/2001
Status: Offline

  posted on 6/5/2003 at 10:49 PM
A guy sees a sign in front of a house in Luton:
"Talking Dog for Sale."
He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is
in the backyard. The
guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just
sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Sure do." the dog replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The dog looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift
of talking pretty
young and I wanted to help the government, so I told
the MI5 about my gift,
and in no time they had me jetting from country to
country, sitting in
rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one
figured a dog would be
eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies
eight years running."
"The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I
wasn't getting any
younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up
for a job at the
airport to do some undercover security work, mostly
wandering near
suspicious characters and listening in."
"I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was
awarded a batch of
medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm
just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner
what he wants for the
dog.
The owner says, "Ten quid."
The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are
you selling him so
cheap?"
"Cause he's a f&%*ing liar. He's never done any of
that stuff"

 

____________________
UGLY is BAD and BAD is WRONG and WRONG is SINFUL and SIN leads to ETERNAL DAMNATION. _ F.Z.

 
E-Mail User

Zen Peach



Karma:
Posts: 19426
(20204 all sites)
Registered: 3/13/2003
Status: Offline

  posted on 6/5/2003 at 10:50 PM
Cliffy telling jokes that good can only hamper your political career.

rotf, lmao

 

____________________
you know there just ain't no telling

what a satisfied girl will do.

 
E-Mail User

Extreme Peach



Karma:
Posts: 1749
(1787 all sites)
Registered: 5/26/2003
Status: Offline

  posted on 6/5/2003 at 10:57 PM
you have my joke which is like 2 sentences and above is like this huge novel joke lol.. but good stuff!!

 

____________________
What?! No! We can't stop here! This is bat country!! - R. Duke

 

Zen Peach



Karma:
Posts: 67009
(67526 all sites)
Registered: 10/27/2002
Status: Offline

  posted on 6/5/2003 at 11:18 PM
quote:
How many kids with A.D.D. does it take to change a lightbulb???
.


.


.


..


..


..

..

.

Do you wanna biking?! :


As a father of two sons with ADHD, I'm not too amused.

 

____________________
Hittin' The Web::Hugh Duty Memorial Giveaway has begun!

RIP Hugh Duty

 

Zen Peach



Karma:
Posts: 67009
(67526 all sites)
Registered: 10/27/2002
Status: Offline

  posted on 6/5/2003 at 11:22 PM
Substitute Down's Syndrome for ADD and see how funny that is.

 

____________________
Hittin' The Web::Hugh Duty Memorial Giveaway has begun!

RIP Hugh Duty

 

Extreme Peach



Karma:
Posts: 1749
(1787 all sites)
Registered: 5/26/2003
Status: Offline

  posted on 6/5/2003 at 11:53 PM
ron,
I'm sorry you didn't find that too funny. I meant no harm. I know what it's like, I have attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, bipolar 2 disorder (hypo-manic), and I have generalized anxiety disorder. I take plenty of mind numbing meds.. but yet, I still have a sense of humor, A friend told me about this joke, but I wasn't going to get all offensive, I laughed a bit because it's somewhat amusing; yes I have it, but I try not to take it too seriously. I actually am strongly against jokes against homosexuals, different races, religion, and other disrespectful ones. It was a harmless joke and i'm sorry if it offended you.. Take care and once again sorry..

-Jeremy

[Edited on 6/6/2003 by WasntBorn2Follow]

 

____________________
What?! No! We can't stop here! This is bat country!! - R. Duke

 

Zen Peach



Karma:
Posts: 67009
(67526 all sites)
Registered: 10/27/2002
Status: Offline

  posted on 6/6/2003 at 06:59 AM
Apology accepted.

 

____________________
Hittin' The Web::Hugh Duty Memorial Giveaway has begun!

RIP Hugh Duty

 

Zen Peach



Karma:
Posts: 82619
(82978 all sites)
Registered: 4/16/2002
Status: Offline

  posted on 6/6/2003 at 07:17 AM
Here's a joke for ya... the New York Mets!!

 

____________________
RIP Cindy Fischer
RIP Hugh Duty
RIP John Ott

 

Zen Peach



Karma:
Posts: 82619
(82978 all sites)
Registered: 4/16/2002
Status: Offline

  posted on 6/6/2003 at 07:19 AM

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where
she selected a quart of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a
quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2
lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to
check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she
placed the items in front of the cashier.

He said, "You must be single."

The woman, a bit startled but intrigued by the
derelict's intuition, looked at her six items on the
belt. Seeing nothing particularly unusual about her
selections she said, "Well, you know what, you're
absolutely correct. But how on earth did you kno w
that?"

The drunk replied, "'Cause you're ugly."

 

____________________
RIP Cindy Fischer
RIP Hugh Duty
RIP John Ott

 

Zen Peach



Karma:
Posts: 67009
(67526 all sites)
Registered: 10/27/2002
Status: Offline

  posted on 6/6/2003 at 07:20 AM
Or baseball.

 

____________________
Hittin' The Web::Hugh Duty Memorial Giveaway has begun!

RIP Hugh Duty

 

Zen Peach



Karma:
Posts: 82619
(82978 all sites)
Registered: 4/16/2002
Status: Offline

  posted on 6/6/2003 at 07:25 AM

>Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling the security system got underway immediately. The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash & valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes throughout the bank. The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and
inside they found only a small bowl of vanilla pudding. As recorded on the bank's audio tape system, one robber said, "At least we'll have a bit to eat."
>
The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding. The process continued until all safes were opened. They did not find one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold. Instead,all the safes contained covered bowls of pudding. Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach.
>
>The newspaper headline read:
>
>IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING...

 

____________________
RIP Cindy Fischer
RIP Hugh Duty
RIP John Ott

 

True Peach



Karma:
Posts: 13859
(13913 all sites)
Registered: 7/17/2002
Status: Offline

  posted on 6/6/2003 at 07:43 AM
That's prety sick, so I don't mind relating this.

Years back, in one of those Playboy magazine "Most Party-ingest Schools" (whatever) articles, they told the story of a biology professor who told his class that "human sperm is made up, mostly of glucose (sugar)". A young co-ed raised her hand. When the professor asked her what her question was she asked, "then why does it taste so salty?".

 

____________________
Music is love, and love is music, if you know what I mean.
People who believe in music are the happiest people I've ever seen.

Bill Ector, Randy Stephens, Dan Hills and a guy named BobO who I never met - Forever in my heart!

 

Zen Peach



Karma:
Posts: 21270
(22774 all sites)
Registered: 8/25/2002
Status: Offline

  posted on 6/6/2003 at 08:43 AM






Subject: HOW TO STAY YOUNG

This one is a kick!





HOW TO STAY YOUNG
(George Carlin)

1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height.
Let the doctor worry about them. That is why you pay him/her.

2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.

3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever.
Never let the brain idle. " An idle mind is the devil's workshop."
And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.

4. Enjoy the simple things.

5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on.
The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves.
Be ALIVE while you are alive.

7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.

8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it.
If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9. Don't take guilt trips.
Take a trip to the mall, to the next county, to a foreign country,
but NOT to where the guilt is.

10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take,
but by the moments that take our breath away.
If you don't send this to at least 8 people.... who cares?





 

____________________

 

Extreme Peach



Karma:
Posts: 1547
(1583 all sites)
Registered: 9/26/2002
Status: Offline

  posted on 6/6/2003 at 10:12 AM
Baby giraffe sits up in the bar stool and the bartender asks "what can I get ya"?...
baby giraffe says....I need a looooong neck!!

 

Peach Pro



Karma:
Posts: 384
(384 all sites)
Registered: 1/21/2002
Status: Offline

  posted on 6/6/2003 at 10:13 AM
I usually don't like "blonde" jokes" but this one is pretty funny.


One day a blonde named Sally was putting together a puzzle. She was really stumped and frustrated, so she decided to ask her husband for help.

"It's supposed to be a tiger!" Sally cried.

"Honey", said Dan, "Put the Frosted Flakes back in the box!"

 

Zen Peach



Karma:
Posts: 21270
(22774 all sites)
Registered: 8/25/2002
Status: Offline

  posted on 6/6/2003 at 11:12 AM
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE, THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE
LEARNED:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.

2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.

3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.

4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.

5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.

6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.

7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.

8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.

9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.

10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.

2) Wrinkles don't hurt.

3) Families are like fudge . . .mostly sweet, with a few nuts.

4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.

5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.

6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD:

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.

2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.

3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down
there.

4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that
you once got from a roller coaster.

5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you
the questions.

6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.

7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1) You believe in Santa Claus.

2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.

3) You are Santa Claus.

4) You look like Santa Claus.

SUCCESS:

At age 4 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.

At age 12 success is . . . having friends.

At age 16 success is . . . having a drivers license.

At age 20 success is . . . having sex.

At age 35 success is . . . having money.

At age 50 success is . . . having money.

At age 60 success is . . . having sex.

At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.

At age 75 success is . . . having friends.

At age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.







 

____________________

 

Extreme Peach



Karma:
Posts: 3576
(1891 all sites)
Registered: 1/22/2002
Status: Offline

  posted on 6/6/2003 at 11:31 AM
Q: what do you say to a guitarist in a three piece suit?

A: "will the defendant please rise?"

 

____________________

 

A Peach Supreme



Karma:
Posts: 2277
(2314 all sites)
Registered: 2/25/2002
Status: Offline

  posted on 6/6/2003 at 12:27 PM
An attractive NYC woman was down or her luck. Her boyfriend dumped her, she was laid off from her job, and her landlord had started eviction proceedings. She walked up to the span of the Brooklyn Bridge and prepared to leap off when a young man spied her.
"Whoa lady", he said. "Theres no need to do that."
" I have to", she replied, "My life is miserable."
The man spoke softly. "Listen. Im a sailor on a ship, and we due to depart tomorrow for our trip back to Europe. Im willing to stow you away, feed you, and provide safe passage if you would have sex with me".
The woman thought to herself, "maybe this is what I need - a fresh start in a foreign land. Europe's supposed to be beautiful, and besides, whats a little sex when I was about to take my own life?" She decided to take him up on his offer.

That night, he took her aboard and stowed her away in a lifeboat. Every night he would come by, give her two sandwiches, and have sex with her. The woman wasnt too happy with the cramped quarters, but the rocking of the boat lulled her to sleep most of the time.

After ten days, one of the ships mates discovered the woman and brought her to the captain. "What on earth are you doing in the lifeboat, missy?", he asked.
"Well...", she said, "...Im getting a free passage to Europe, and one of your sailors is screwing me."
"He sure is...", said the captain, "This is the Staten Island Ferry!"

 

____________________

Grenade fishin'

 

Zen Peach



Karma:
Posts: 21270
(22774 all sites)
Registered: 8/25/2002
Status: Offline

  posted on 6/7/2003 at 04:39 PM
A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The
teacher asked, "Harry, what is your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the
third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the
third-grade too!"

The teacher had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While
Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the
principal

what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would give
the
boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go
back to the first-grade and behave. The teacher agreed. Harry was
brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to
take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9"

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36"

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade
should know. The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think

Harry can go to the third-grade."

The teacher says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?" The
principal and Harry both agree.

Teacher: "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?

Harry: "Legs"

Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" (The
principal wondered, why does she ask such a question!)

Harry: "Pockets"

Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants"

Teacher: "What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval,
delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?" (The principal's eyes open
really wide and before he could stop the answer...)

Harry: "Coconut"

Teacher: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

Harry: "Bubblegum"

Teacher: "What do men do standing up, woman do sitting down and dogs do
on three legs?" (The principal's eyes open really wide and before he
could stop the answer...)

Harry: "Shake hands"

Teacher: "Now I will ask some 'Who am I' sort of questions, okay?"

Harry: "Yup"

Teacher: "You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up.
I get wet before you do."

Harry: "Tent"

Teacher: "A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored.
The
best man always has me first." (Principal was looking restless and bit
tense)

Harry: "Wedding Ring"

Teacher: "I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you
blow
me, you feel good."

Harry: "Nose"

Teacher: "I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a
quiver."

Harry: "Arrow"

Teacher: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot
of excitement?"

Harry: "Fire truck"

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put his
ass in the fifth-grade, I got the last ten questions wrong myself."


 

____________________

 
<<  1    2    3    4  >>  


Powered by XForum 1.81.1 by Trollix Software


Privacy | Terms of Service
The ALLMAN BROTHERS BAND name, The ALLMAN BROTHERS name, likenesses, logos, mushroom design and peach truck are all registered trademarks of THE ABB MERCHANDISING CO., INC. whose rights are specifically reserved. Any artwork, visual, or audio representations used on this web site CONTAINING ANY REGISTERED TRADEMARKS are under license from The ABB MERCHANDISING CO., INC. A REVOCABLE, GRATIS LICENSE IS GRANTED TO ALL REGISTERED PEACH CORP MEMBERS FOR The DOWNLOADING OF ONE COPY FOR PERSONAL USE ONLY. ANY DISTRIBUTION OR REPRODUCTION OF THE TRADEMARKS CONTAINED HEREIN ARE PROHIBITED AND ARE SPECIFICALLY RESERVED BY THE ABB MERCHANDISING CO.,INC.
site by Hittin' the Web Group with www.experiencewasabi3d.com