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Author: Subject: Are there Better Days ahead, I think so ! We will see.

True Peach





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  posted on 1/2/2008 at 07:16 PM
Mr. "Drama King" the "Attention" man here.......

I did not want to drag up my Depression/Anxiety thread..did not want to depress anyone.

As most of you know I have been going through anxiety/depression hell since Sept 20th. I kept working as a Courier until Oct. 24th. That day I got rear ended in a heavy rain storm, and that finshed me off. I have not worked since then.

Afterwords I stopped :

Watching TV, listening to music, Driving at all, joking and laughing. I ate almost nothing and lost 60 pounds. I spent my days sitting at home in fear, scared of everything. I began to think my life was over. That either I was going to take my own life or die from the misery I was wallowing in. I had anxiety issues twice before in the last 11 years, but nothing like this time. Part of it was due to me stopping my anti-depressent 8 months before I got bad. A stupid effin' mistake on my part. Barb would go to work and I would sit and home and stare out my bedroom window all day..serious..that was all I did. I restarted on the med that helped me before and this time it made the anxiety even worse and put me in a very suicidal state of mind.

On this past veterans day I decided I could not go on, I could not shake myself out of what my mind was doing to me. I got a rope and picked the area in the garage that I was going to hang myself in. I took Xanax to relax myself, but it did not work. I think I was the more scared than I have ever been in my life. I thought of My Daughter, My Mom and family and how Barb was going to feel when she found me. I also wondered who would tell my wonderful friends here that "OldDirtRoad" was too scared to face life anymore. I wondered how you all would remember me.

I was too scared, I could not do what I thought I my mind wanted me to do. I broke down and cried like a Baby. I showed Barb the rope and told her what I had planned. She was going to call 911, which meant since I had no health insurance that they would take me to the State Mental Hospital which is a horrible, terrible place in this state.

Instead she called my Mom. Her and my Stepdad asked me to come stay with them for a "few Days". I have been with them for a little over 2 months. Have only been back home a few times.

When I got to my Mom's I was still scared of everything. I cried most of the time and followed her around like a Puppy. I was scared of her big house. My Psych was trying different meds and nothing was getting better. My Mother had to watch me "meltdown" on a daily basis. I could tell she had no idea I was in the shape I was. But my family was strong in their support for me. I did not beleive them when they said I would get better. My Psych was even calling me 3 times a week at home. One day I wanted to die the next I was scared I was going too. When Bobo passed away, I felt so bad for him and his poor family. I imagined how strong he had to be to face the challenge he had. How scared he must have been at times. How he was able to be a caring friend to people here even though he new he was not going to make it.

3 days before Christmas eve my Psych told me. " I know you do not think your going to get better, But I know you are.' When Christmas Eve came around I was a mental Wreck, I could not think of anything that touched my heart without crying. My Mom who loves Christmas had to spend Christmas Day riding to my Daughters with my 78 year old Stepdad who is like "Scrooge" at Christmas and her sad and crying 51 yeard old son. It was a horrible day, and I could not make myself get better. I tried to call my Psych, but he was out of the Country.

2 Days after Christmas I started feeling somewhat better. I later talked with an out of State Psychologist who made me feel better, he was good to me and made a lot of sense. He helped me understand what was going on in my life. He was understanding and I appreciate him very much.

Each day since I have felt better and better. I'm not the old me yet, but i'm getting there. I'm laughing and joking. I have started listening to music again. I even watched a horror movie last night. Before, previews of "I am Legend" scared me. I'm walking outside for excercise each day. It feels so good to have hope again.

I'm still having some anxiety when I wake up, but within an hour I start feeling better. I'm taking 3 meds, and I guess I will be taking them a long time. Tomorrow I double the dosage of one of my meds and I hope that will take the rest of the morning panic and fear away.

I hope and Pray I continue to get better and go back home and to work soon. I'm sure my Mom does too. I have become attached to my folks and it will be sad to leave them. I have done a lot of stuff for them that they have trouble doing.

I got so much support from people here. I kept posting here even though somedays I was in terrible shape. Thats how much this place means to me.

I got many PM's of concern and folks sharing their own battles with anxiety and depression. I appreciate you all so much, God knows how much you have meant to me and how you gave me the will to make it through each day. PattyG, Ruthelane, RedRider, and Sue were all a big help to me as were many others and YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE !!! Thanks so much.

I will never be so stupid as to stop my medicince cold turkey again.

Reading how Bird72 faced his "demons" and "beat them" gave me some courage to try and do the same thing with mine. Even though we both suffer from different illnesses.

I pray every night for Willie Howard and others on this site who need them, I pray for me and the folks I love. I know God and Jesus has been there for me and I want to make a better me this time around. I have not smoked weed for over 90 days, after being a Pot head for over 35 years. I will face that problem when the time comes. I will worry about it then.

Right now "it sure feels good feeling good again". I still got some bridges to cross, but now I have the courage to face them.

Thank you all that care for me, I promise from the bottom of my heart that I appreciate you so much. I love you folks.

I'm sorry to ramble on, You all have been through this with me before, Hopefully this will be the last time.

I just wanted to tell my story and let you know i'm getting better. I want to give anyone who suffers from the same problem hope also. I'm here if you need me, along with a bunch of other great caring folks.

Thats why this really is the most special website there is................

Kenny

 

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Zen Peach



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  posted on 1/2/2008 at 07:25 PM
Love you Kenny.

 

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Zen Peach



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  posted on 1/2/2008 at 07:25 PM
Kenny glad to hear that you are starting to feel better. Anytime you need to talk call, I think you have my number.

You are my favorite drama king Mr attention

 

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Maximum Peach



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  posted on 1/2/2008 at 07:28 PM
beautiful post
 

Zen Peach



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  posted on 1/2/2008 at 07:33 PM
Kenny!

I've lost touch with you over the last bunch of years...I wish I hadn't.
But it reads like you're turning a corner back toward a better life direction for you...and that's a great thing to hear.
there's always room for another person to pray for - you're on the list now too...

 
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Zen Peach



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  posted on 1/2/2008 at 07:36 PM
quote:
there's always room for another person to pray for - you're on the list now too...

Amen!

 

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Sublime Peach



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  posted on 1/2/2008 at 07:41 PM
Kenny.... I wish you mental strength ... and it's important to take your med's.. possibly forever.. but if that is what it takes ..you must, even when you begin to feel back to yourself... I will always keep you in my prayers.. All the best to you in your continual recovery... God Bless.....

 

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True Peach



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  posted on 1/2/2008 at 07:50 PM
You hang in there brother, It can be a tough road for us all sometimes. I have been there too. You got a good family here that really cares. Just got to smile my friend no matter how hard it is.
Today I put more into life than before. There is a reason for us to be here. Some of us just have not found the real reason yet. I hope you see it soon..................its really there.

 

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Zen Peach



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  posted on 1/2/2008 at 07:51 PM
You have a ton of vibes and friends here who care. Glad you are doing better.

 

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Zen Peach



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  posted on 1/2/2008 at 08:19 PM
Kenny - I've thought about you a lot since you first posted about your breakdown. Your story has touched me because I've had experience with similar stories. Anxiety, depression, emotional issues create a scary and lonely environment in which to live. I'm glad you brought your burden here and shared it. That's sign #1 that you are working towards getting better. Some who find themselves in the mental state you've described keep all those feelings internal and that is probably the very worst thing - it just isolates you further and makes all those issues worse.

Stay on the meds. I know people who's lives have been saved and/or greatly improved through meds for depression. If you had a virus you wouldn't think twice about treating it with medicine - emotional problems can be caused by physiological disirders that also require medication. The cold-turkey withdrawal from your meds could very well have contributed to your suicidal thoughts. Leave that rope alone. You have no idea the carnage left by that one rash decision. If you feel yourself being drawn in that direction find somebody to talk to.

Thank God for our families, huh? It sounds like you have a tremendous support system and that is a major plus towards recovery. And you've got some good medical support from your doctors and/or therapists. And you've got this little family here who would hate to have anything happen to you. So, go ahead Queenie ... set your burdens down ... we all need something similar at some period in our lives.

You know what? I agree with you...sounds to me like you are getting better. (Hallelujah, huh??? There is light at the end of that tunnel! ) Bless you - keeping you in my thoughts.

 

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  posted on 1/2/2008 at 08:29 PM
Hey there. I do not know you. I read the post and I am moved by your words. I have not struggled with depression in my life nor can I pretend to know what it must be like.

I have struggled with alcohol. I was told a couple of things that will stay with me forever:

1) The mind is a dangerous place to wander in unattended

2) Idle time is the devil's playground

So my message is this:

Don't be afraid to talk to your friends and family. We may knot know what your going through, but we can listen very well. Sometimes a good ear can help more than anything. There are a lot of people right here who care for you.

Keep listening to your music, taking walks, and find solace in small things. It is amazing how nature and music can soothe your soul and keep your mind at peace.

Find a reason to smile everyday as you may find unexpected sources can bring joy.

I wish you good health in 2008 and feel free anytime, ever, to say hello to me or anyone else here. We will listen.

Phil

 

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Zen Peach



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  posted on 1/2/2008 at 08:43 PM
Stick it out, Kenny - Peter Jackson is going to do 2 Hobbit movies to go with Lord of the Rings trilogy.......

 

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  posted on 1/2/2008 at 08:44 PM
quote:
Stick it out, Kenny - Peter Jackson is going to do 2 Hobbit movies to go with Lord of the Rings trilogy.......


I love Lord of the Rings!

 

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Zen Peach



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  posted on 1/2/2008 at 08:46 PM
Very glad to hear things are looking up for you, Kenny! Hang in there, brother

 

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  posted on 1/2/2008 at 08:52 PM
Well Mr Drama King... Always remember that you have a very good friend in NJ

Glad to see you turning the corner bro.

Just think.. it could always be worse.
You could be a Candlemass fan

 

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True Peach



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  posted on 1/2/2008 at 09:16 PM
Glad to hear things have turned for the better Kenny. I wish that I could offer some pearls of wisdom other than I thought of you when I read this:

Sid Vicious lives! Well, sort of
By JONATHAN WILLIAMS
For the Journal-Constitution
Published on: 12/31/2007

After a brief but influential career, legendary English punk band the Sex Pistols fired their last shot 30 years ago this month after a San Francisco concert. Iconic bassist Sid Vicious died a year later from a heroin overdose at age 21. Or at least that's what his record label and management would have you believe.

Following the demise of the Pistols, Vicious embarked on a solo career and performed with members of other legendary punk bands such as the Damned, the New York Dolls and the Clash.

The spirit of '77 lives on today with the Sid Vicious Experience, fronted by Sid himself and performing the songs of the Pistols, Ramones, Stooges and others. OK, so it's not really him, but local rocker Steve McKinley (formerly of Julius Pleaser and Pretty Vacant) does a pretty good job of keeping the sneer and attitude alive.

He, along with like-minded local musicians Dewey Vile (Dewey Whitten), Mark Filth (Mark Muecke) and Greg Damage (Greg Edmunds), headlines a night of punk revivalism this weekend at the Masquerade.

THE 411: Sid Vicious Experience with the Spectremen, the Remingtons and Motor 76. $8. 7 p.m. Jan. 5. Masquerade (Heaven), 695 North Ave. N.E., Midtown. 404-577-8178, www.sidviciousexperience.com, www.masq.com.

 

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  posted on 1/2/2008 at 09:22 PM
quote:
Mr. "Drama King" the "Attention" man here.......

I did not want to drag up my Depression/Anxiety thread..did not want to depress anyone.

As most of you know I have been going through anxiety/depression hell since Sept 20th. I kept working as a Courier until Oct. 24th. That day I got rear ended in a heavy rain storm, and that finshed me off. I have not worked since then.

Afterwords I stopped :

Watching TV, listening to music, Driving at all, joking and laughing. I ate almost nothing and lost 60 pounds. I spent my days sitting at home in fear, scared of everything. I began to think my life was over. That either I was going to take my own life or die from the misery I was wallowing in. I had anxiety issues twice before in the last 11 years, but nothing like this time. Part of it was due to me stopping my anti-depressent 8 months before I got bad. A stupid effin' mistake on my part. Barb would go to work and I would sit and home and stare out my bedroom window all day..serious..that was all I did. I restarted on the med that helped me before and this time it made the anxiety even worse and put me in a very suicidal state of mind.

On this past veterans day I decided I could not go on, I could not shake myself out of what my mind was doing to me. I got a rope and picked the area in the garage that I was going to hang myself in. I took Xanax to relax myself, but it did not work. I think I was the more scared than I have ever been in my life. I thought of My Daughter, My Mom and family and how Barb was going to feel when she found me. I also wondered who would tell my wonderful friends here that "OldDirtRoad" was too scared to face life anymore. I wondered how you all would remember me.

I was too scared, I could not do what I thought I my mind wanted me to do. I broke down and cried like a Baby. I showed Barb the rope and told her what I had planned. She was going to call 911, which meant since I had no health insurance that they would take me to the State Mental Hospital which is a horrible, terrible place in this state.

Instead she called my Mom. Her and my Stepdad asked me to come stay with them for a "few Days". I have been with them for a little over 2 months. Have only been back home a few times.

When I got to my Mom's I was still scared of everything. I cried most of the time and followed her around like a Puppy. I was scared of her big house. My Psych was trying different meds and nothing was getting better. My Mother had to watch me "meltdown" on a daily basis. I could tell she had no idea I was in the shape I was. But my family was strong in their support for me. I did not beleive them when they said I would get better. My Psych was even calling me 3 times a week at home. One day I wanted to die the next I was scared I was going too. When Bobo passed away, I felt so bad for him and his poor family. I imagined how strong he had to be to face the challenge he had. How scared he must have been at times. How he was able to be a caring friend to people here even though he new he was not going to make it.

3 days before Christmas eve my Psych told me. " I know you do not think your going to get better, But I know you are.' When Christmas Eve came around I was a mental Wreck, I could not think of anything that touched my heart without crying. My Mom who loves Christmas had to spend Christmas Day riding to my Daughters with my 78 year old Stepdad who is like "Scrooge" at Christmas and her sad and crying 51 yeard old son. It was a horrible day, and I could not make myself get better. I tried to call my Psych, but he was out of the Country.

2 Days after Christmas I started feeling somewhat better. I later talked with an out of State Psychologist who made me feel better, he was good to me and made a lot of sense. He helped me understand what was going on in my life. He was understanding and I appreciate him very much.

Each day since I have felt better and better. I'm not the old me yet, but i'm getting there. I'm laughing and joking. I have started listening to music again. I even watched a horror movie last night. Before, previews of "I am Legend" scared me. I'm walking outside for excercise each day. It feels so good to have hope again.

I'm still having some anxiety when I wake up, but within an hour I start feeling better. I'm taking 3 meds, and I guess I will be taking them a long time. Tomorrow I double the dosage of one of my meds and I hope that will take the rest of the morning panic and fear away.

I hope and Pray I continue to get better and go back home and to work soon. I'm sure my Mom does too. I have become attached to my folks and it will be sad to leave them. I have done a lot of stuff for them that they have trouble doing.

I got so much support from people here. I kept posting here even though somedays I was in terrible shape. Thats how much this place means to me.

I got many PM's of concern and folks sharing their own battles with anxiety and depression. I appreciate you all so much, God knows how much you have meant to me and how you gave me the will to make it through each day. PattyG, Ruthelane, RedRider, and Sue were all a big help to me as were many others and YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE !!! Thanks so much.

I will never be so stupid as to stop my medicince cold turkey again.

Reading how Bird72 faced his "demons" and "beat them" gave me some courage to try and do the same thing with mine. Even though we both suffer from different illnesses.

I pray every night for Willie Howard and others on this site who need them, I pray for me and the folks I love. I know God and Jesus has been there for me and I want to make a better me this time around. I have not smoked weed for over 90 days, after being a Pot head for over 35 years. I will face that problem when the time comes. I will worry about it then.

Right now "it sure feels good feeling good again". I still got some bridges to cross, but now I have the courage to face them.

Thank you all that care for me, I promise from the bottom of my heart that I appreciate you so much. I love you folks.

I'm sorry to ramble on, You all have been through this with me before, Hopefully this will be the last time.

I just wanted to tell my story and let you know i'm getting better. I want to give anyone who suffers from the same problem hope also. I'm here if you need me, along with a bunch of other great caring folks.

Thats why this really is the most special website there is................

Kenny


Wow, what a post...another great one. I hope you continue to get better and have a great '08. God bless

 

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Zen Peach



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  posted on 1/2/2008 at 09:30 PM
positive vibes for your climb upwards
 
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Universal Peach



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  posted on 1/2/2008 at 10:22 PM
Thank you Kenny for sticking it out again...it is so very hard when you're in that awful place...you're a warrior!

Thank you as well for the education you've given folks about what Depression really is and isn't. May it help someone else down the road...

 

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Peach Master



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  posted on 1/2/2008 at 10:49 PM
Thanks for a courageous and inspirational post.

What a great way to start the New Year.

Hang in there Kenny!

 

Zen Peach



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  posted on 1/2/2008 at 11:07 PM
Only 12 more months of George W. That should cheer you up!

 

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  posted on 1/2/2008 at 11:12 PM
I mentioned to Kenny once before that others see us in a way that we never can ourselves. When we see things as completely hopeless and others tell us different than it may be time to try and see through their eyes for a change. To see the picture through clear eyes.

Peoples' views and feelings about Kenny have always been the same here. You brighten peoples' days and put a smile on their face on a regular basis and that is a talent that few on this planet have. Going back years, you have put many a smile on this face and have actually made me laugh hard which rarely happens even when I find things funny. Some of the stories over the years have come straight out of the diary that I never wrote.

When Kenny first wrote of his troubles the reaction was what I expected. The outpouring of love and support was immediate. This site/people are always great and supportive even for strangers but the words directed Kenny's way were truly genuine and it was obvious.

I have said it before and I will again. Kenny is one of the most honest guys I have ever come across. So open and willing to put himself in the position to be judged and not caring about it at all. (Some of those stories could still get him arrested )

Anyone able to deal with emotions so honestly and openly is already winning the battle even if they can't see it themselves. Even through all of this stuff, Kenny has been his usual supportive self and accepts others for whaty they are. Even Candlemass fans.

You have a heart of gold Brother. Glad and proud to call you my friend.

Glad to hear you are going for those walks. For anyone who has depression, anxiety or stress issues, exercise is not a cure but you will be amazed at how much it can help.

Sorry to be my long-winded self but I am just so happy to hear things are looking up for our friend.

 

Zen Peach



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  posted on 1/2/2008 at 11:31 PM
So glad to hear you are getting better, Kenny. When you started listening to music again, you turned a major corner. It takes a strong person to do what you are doing. God love you Kenny.
 

Zen Peach



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  posted on 1/2/2008 at 11:40 PM
quote:
I mentioned to Kenny once before that others see us in a way that we never can ourselves. When we see things as completely hopeless and others tell us different than it may be time to try and see through their eyes for a change. To see the picture through clear eyes.

Peoples' views and feelings about Kenny have always been the same here. You brighten peoples' days and put a smile on their face on a regular basis and that is a talent that few on this planet have. Going back years, you have put many a smile on this face and have actually made me laugh hard which rarely happens even when I find things funny. Some of the stories over the years have come straight out of the diary that I never wrote.

When Kenny first wrote of his troubles the reaction was what I expected. The outpouring of love and support was immediate. This site/people are always great and supportive even for strangers but the words directed Kenny's way were truly genuine and it was obvious.

I have said it before and I will again. Kenny is one of the most honest guys I have ever come across. So open and willing to put himself in the position to be judged and not caring about it at all. (Some of those stories could still get him arrested )

Anyone able to deal with emotions so honestly and openly is already winning the battle even if they can't see it themselves. Even through all of this stuff, Kenny has been his usual supportive self and accepts others for whaty they are. Even Candlemass fans.

You have a heart of gold Brother. Glad and proud to call you my friend.

Glad to hear you are going for those walks. For anyone who has depression, anxiety or stress issues, exercise is not a cure but you will be amazed at how much it can help.

Sorry to be my long-winded self but I am just so happy to hear things are looking up for our friend.



Truly Great Post...Thank you

 

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  posted on 1/3/2008 at 12:00 AM
Brother Ken: Glad to hear things are looking up. Just remember that you ain't the only one (occasionally) sufferin' in this here world. It also appears that the holidays, in particular, tend to be a rough time for a whole bunch of folks out there. But, you are right, there are better days ahead.

Meanwhile, I would add that a whole segment of the music industry has specialized in reducing into writing, and generating into music, the area of music that I really enjoy: The Blues.

That's why I like the ABB. It's real and they're real. Plus, they work hard, no matter what.

Anyhow, wishing you the best and brightest for the New Year of 2008 and leaving you with this link to a positive Van Morrison tune you may enjoy:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ed5ADgorksw

 
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