Don't click or your IP will be banned


Hittin' The Web with the Allman Brothers Band Forum
You are not logged in

< Last Thread   Next Thread ><<  1    2    3    4  >>Ascending sortDescending sorting  
Author: Subject: What are your favorite one-liners?

Peach Master





Posts: 535
(535 all sites)
Registered: 6/17/2007
Status: Offline

  posted on 12/6/2007 at 08:33 PM
To the easily offended...stop reading now! To everyone else, please post your juvenile favorite one-liners and jokes, I need cheering up!!!

I had a lung removed yesterday, now I only smoke half as much.

I dated a short girl once...I was nuts over her.

My wife woke me up crying, she said "you talked in your sleep and said I was annoying and not attractive and you wanted to leave me" I said, stop crying honey, I wasn't sleeping".

 

____________________
I'm under construction...

 
Replies:

Ultimate Peach



Karma:
Posts: 3475
(3476 all sites)
Registered: 3/10/2006
Status: Offline

  posted on 12/6/2007 at 08:39 PM
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says "Why the long face?".

A baby seal walks into a club.......

[Edited on 12/7/2007 by dancingrhonda]

 

Peach Master



Karma:
Posts: 535
(535 all sites)
Registered: 6/17/2007
Status: Offline

  posted on 12/6/2007 at 08:41 PM
quote:
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says "Why the long face?".

A baby seal walks into a club.......

[Edited on 12/7/2007 by dancingrhonda]


Oh I forgot...we need a rimshot sound after each of these!

 

____________________
I'm under construction...

 

A Peach Supreme



Karma:
Posts: 2986
(2987 all sites)
Registered: 8/16/2004
Status: Offline

  posted on 12/6/2007 at 08:42 PM
"Take my wife...Please !" Henny Youngman.
 

Zen Peach



Karma:
Posts: 15998
(15990 all sites)
Registered: 10/13/2007
Status: Offline

  posted on 12/6/2007 at 08:46 PM


Whoever said "money can't buy happiness"....doesn't know where to shop.

p.s.- If money can't buy happiness, then what does...poverty?


 

Zen Peach



Karma:
Posts: 18593
(18594 all sites)
Registered: 11/20/2006
Status: Offline

  posted on 12/6/2007 at 08:50 PM
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes

 

____________________
"Come on down to the Mermaid Cafe and I will buy you a bottle of wine, and we'll laugh and toast to nothing and smash our empty glasses down..."

 

True Peach



Karma:
Posts: 11002
(11138 all sites)
Registered: 5/24/2002
Status: Offline

  posted on 12/6/2007 at 08:53 PM

Rodney Dangerfield.....God rest his soul....had some great ones:

I was so poor growing up ... if I wasn't a boy... I'd have had nothing to play with.

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.

I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror...I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me?" He said..."I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."

With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.

I'm so ugly, when I was born the doctor slapped my mother!

 

____________________

 

Zen Peach



Karma:
Posts: 15998
(15990 all sites)
Registered: 10/13/2007
Status: Offline

  posted on 12/6/2007 at 08:55 PM


"Your mouthwash ain't makin it" - Inspector Harry Callahan

 

Zen Peach



Karma:
Posts: 18593
(18594 all sites)
Registered: 11/20/2006
Status: Offline

  posted on 12/6/2007 at 08:56 PM
quote:

Rodney Dangerfield.....God rest his soul....had some great ones:

I was so poor growing up ... if I wasn't a boy... I'd have had nothing to play with.

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.

I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror...I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me?" He said..."I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."

With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.

I'm so ugly, when I was born the doctor slapped my mother!
LMAO!!! God Bless Rodney Dangerfield! He was a funny guy ("I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio." I'm still laughing ).

 

____________________
"Come on down to the Mermaid Cafe and I will buy you a bottle of wine, and we'll laugh and toast to nothing and smash our empty glasses down..."

 

Peach Master



Karma:
Posts: 535
(535 all sites)
Registered: 6/17/2007
Status: Offline

  posted on 12/6/2007 at 08:57 PM
quote:

Rodney Dangerfield.....God rest his soul....had some great ones:

I was so poor growing up ... if I wasn't a boy... I'd have had nothing to play with.

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.

I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror...I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me?" He said..."I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."

With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.

I'm so ugly, when I was born the doctor slapped my mother!



He was the man. I have heard a few stories saying that he was the "rock star" of comedy. My favorite was when he was crusing with a friend somewhere in California in a convertible...Rodney was puffing on a big "J" and when the cops pulled him over he kept on smoking. The cop got his autograph and sent him on his way.

 

____________________
I'm under construction...

 

True Peach



Karma:
Posts: 11002
(11138 all sites)
Registered: 5/24/2002
Status: Offline

  posted on 12/6/2007 at 09:08 PM


Bobby Hill from "King of the Hill" had a good one.

Bobby had been Golf caddying for Buck Strickland and was telling his parents about it.

"Mr.Strickland got up under more balls than a midget hooker."


I thought that was funny as hell..........

 

____________________

 

True Peach



Karma:
Posts: 11002
(11138 all sites)
Registered: 5/24/2002
Status: Offline

  posted on 12/6/2007 at 09:11 PM

This ones not really a one-liner but it was funny if you saw it : From "King of the Hill"

MR. STRICKLAND: He reminds me of my own boy.
HANK: I didn't know you had a son.
MR. STRICKLAND: Yeah, lives in another city, another woman, name's Roy, or Ray or something like that -- after sixteen years I'm too embarrassed to ask.

 

____________________

 

Peach Pro



Karma:
Posts: 246
(246 all sites)
Registered: 4/2/2007
Status: Offline

  posted on 12/6/2007 at 09:18 PM
I bought an Olympic-size swimming pool. I only use it once every 4 years.

I hear mohels don't get paid much, but they get to keep the tips.

A priest, a rabbi, a black guy, a Puerto Rican, a Chinese guy, and Italian, and Irishman, a lawyer, and a doctor walk into a bar and the bartender says, "What is this, a joke?"

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, "Gimme a beer and one for the road."

Two peanuts walk into a bar one was assaulted (a-salted).

Two muffins are in an oven. The first muffin says, "It's hot in here." The second muffin says, "Holy s**t a talking muffin!!"

 

____________________
Pull myself together, put on a new face,
Climb down off the hilltop, baby,
Get back in the race.

 

Universal Peach



Karma:
Posts: 6168
(6172 all sites)
Registered: 6/10/2005
Status: Offline

  posted on 12/6/2007 at 09:19 PM
One of my favorites is the late W.C. Fields......

Excuse me. Is this your basketball? I seem to have rn over it several times.

I'm looking for loopholes. (Said when caught reading the Bible).

There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.

Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water.

(In a restaurant to waitress): "I didn't squawk about the steak, dear. I merely said I didn't see that old horse that used to be tethered outside here."

Secretary: "It must be hard to lose your mother-in-law." WC: "Yes it is, very hard. It's almost impossible."

 

____________________

 

Zen Peach



Karma:
Posts: 15998
(15990 all sites)
Registered: 10/13/2007
Status: Offline

  posted on 12/6/2007 at 09:24 PM


"Nobody eats there anymore.....it's too crowded."

-Yogi Berra

 

Zen Peach



Karma:
Posts: 15832
(15866 all sites)
Registered: 8/9/2002
Status: Offline

  posted on 12/6/2007 at 09:33 PM
I like what a chick told a friend of mine in a bar. He was drunk, and said, "I sure would like to get in your britches." She fired right back, "Why? Didja sh*t in yours?" She walked off while we howled with laughter, and he was completely shut down.

Another one, which I've told here before, happened on a job in Oklahoma. I was on a scaffold with my coonass buddy, Tony Bascle, when a friend of ours walked by. She had on a T shirt with the words "Cowboys Make Better Lovers" on the front. Tony hollered down, "Hey, girl, your T shirt got it all wrong." "What's wrong with my shirt, Tony?" she yelled back.

"Well, a cowboy is only good for an 8 second ride, and every body knows a coonass will eat anything."

 

____________________


 

True Peach



Karma:
Posts: 14277
(14329 all sites)
Registered: 12/20/2001
Status: Offline

  posted on 12/6/2007 at 11:44 PM
My favorite from Rodney: The other day I asked a cab driver to take me someplace I could get some action. He took me to my house.

 

____________________

 

True Peach



Karma:
Posts: 9040
(11606 all sites)
Registered: 6/9/2005
Status: Offline

  posted on 12/6/2007 at 11:52 PM
A guy walks into a bar,
The second guy ducks...........

 

____________________
I don't know.
myspace.com/stulock64

 

A Peach Supreme



Karma:
Posts: 2277
(2314 all sites)
Registered: 2/25/2002
Status: Offline

  posted on 12/6/2007 at 11:55 PM
My wife said, "For my birthday this year, I want to go somewhere I've never been before". I said, "Try the kitchen".

I think that was Youngman too.

 

____________________

Grenade fishin'

 

A Peach Supreme



Karma:
Posts: 2777
(2780 all sites)
Registered: 3/25/2004
Status: Offline

  posted on 12/7/2007 at 12:38 AM
george: just once jerry just once i want to say i love you and.....
Elaine: you never said i love you??
George: i did once to a dog .. he licked himself and left the room!!!

Groucho: I once shot a elephant in my pajamas once. how he got in there ill never know!!

 

____________________
make music not war

http://www.e-z-2-win.com/hats.htm

 

Zen Peach



Karma:
Posts: 20227
(20241 all sites)
Registered: 9/22/2005
Status: Offline

  posted on 12/7/2007 at 01:26 AM
" Hey you wanna get pregnant ? " bluedad

 

____________________
If we practice and eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth, soon the whole world will be blind and toothless. -Mahatma Gandhi.

 

Peach Master



Karma:
Posts: 533
(533 all sites)
Registered: 12/28/2004
Status: Offline

  posted on 12/7/2007 at 04:59 AM
variation on dancingrhonda's post:-

Alanis Morrissette walks into a bar and the barman says...
"Why the long face? "

 

True Peach



Karma:
Posts: 12843
(12843 all sites)
Registered: 3/26/2003
Status: Offline

  posted on 12/7/2007 at 08:03 AM
One of the residents in my nursing home said this to me yesterday in the dining room.

I can see some scrambled eggs didn't make it to the frying pan! ( referring to a couple of other residents)

She had me chuckling the rest of the day

 

____________________


Time you enjoy wasting, was not wasted.

 

Extreme Peach



Karma:
Posts: 1853
(1853 all sites)
Registered: 10/20/2006
Status: Offline

  posted on 12/7/2007 at 08:10 AM
Rodney:

It was rough growing up. My father was the town drunk; we lived in New York City!

 

Peach Extraordinaire



Karma:
Posts: 4902
(4902 all sites)
Registered: 7/28/2004
Status: Offline

  posted on 12/7/2007 at 08:20 AM
I've always been a fan of Mae West:


When I'm good I'm very, very good, but when I'm bad, I'm better.

I'll try anything once, twice if I like it, three times to make sure.

It isn't what I do, but how I do it. It isn't what I say, but how I say it, and how I look when I do it and say it.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

When choosing between two evils, I always like to pick the one I never tried before.

Those who are easily shocked should be shocked more often.

He's the kind of man a woman would have to marry to get rid of.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

It's not the men in my life that counts -- it's the life in my men.

Why don't you come on up and see me sometime

Is that a gun in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?



 

____________________


Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life


 
<<  1    2    3    4  >>  


Powered by XForum 1.81.1 by Trollix Software


Privacy | Terms of Service
The ALLMAN BROTHERS BAND name, The ALLMAN BROTHERS name, likenesses, logos, mushroom design and peach truck are all registered trademarks of THE ABB MERCHANDISING CO., INC. whose rights are specifically reserved. Any artwork, visual, or audio representations used on this web site CONTAINING ANY REGISTERED TRADEMARKS are under license from The ABB MERCHANDISING CO., INC. A REVOCABLE, GRATIS LICENSE IS GRANTED TO ALL REGISTERED PEACH CORP MEMBERS FOR The DOWNLOADING OF ONE COPY FOR PERSONAL USE ONLY. ANY DISTRIBUTION OR REPRODUCTION OF THE TRADEMARKS CONTAINED HEREIN ARE PROHIBITED AND ARE SPECIFICALLY RESERVED BY THE ABB MERCHANDISING CO.,INC.
site by Hittin' the Web Group with www.experiencewasabi3d.com