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Author: Subject: JOKE OF THE DAY THREAD DEDICATED TO BOBO

A Peach Supreme





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  posted on 5/23/2007 at 06:40 AM
ok, trying to turn lemons into lemonade here. I want to post a joke a day here for my brother Bobo whose sense of humor I value more than words can say. So please let's fill this thread with jokes, lots of jokes, Bobo will be checking it out when he feels the urge.

So go out there and get your best ones and PLANT THEM HERE!!!!!

PS - no thread high-jackers please. This is for Bobo...love and humor to you my brother....thank you for all of the laughs that you've provided me.

First one, it's a quickie but I thought it was cute.....


"Obviously Nuts"

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only shorts made from Gladwrap.

The psychiatrist says, ''Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'' '


 

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Zen Peach



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  posted on 5/23/2007 at 08:04 AM
After the annual office Christmas party blow-out, John woke up with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.

After a trip to the bathroom he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.

"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I think?"

"Even worse," she assured him in her most scornful one. "You made a complete ass of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and insulted the chairman of the company to his face."

"He's an arrogant, self-important **** , piss on him!"

"You did. All over his suit, " Louise informed him. "And he fired you."

"Well, screw him," said John.

"I did. You're back at work on Monday."

 

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  posted on 5/23/2007 at 08:06 AM
that was a goodern!!!!!!

 

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  posted on 5/23/2007 at 08:11 AM
What does the pillsburry doughboy see when he bends over and looks between his legs?





2 Dough nuts

 

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  posted on 5/23/2007 at 10:51 AM
The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising
agency called a spontaneous staff meeting in the
middle of a particularly stressful week. (This is one
pretty sharp boss!)

When everyone gathered, the boss, who
understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt
out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a
quick contest. The theme: Viagra advertising slogans.
The only rule was they had to use past ad slogans,
originally written for other products that captured
the essence of Viagra. Slight variations were
acceptable.

About 7 minutes later, they turned in their
suggestions and created a Top 10 List. With all the
laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went
very well for everyone!

The top 10 were:

10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up

9. Viagra, The quicker pecker picker upper.

8. Viagra, Like a rock!

7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be
there overnight.

6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.

5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.

4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a
woman.

3. Viagra, Home of the whopper!

2. Viagra, We bring good things to Life!

And the unanimous number one slogan:



1. Viagra, This is your peepee, this is your peepee on
drugs..

 

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  posted on 5/23/2007 at 10:59 AM


A blonde pilot decided she wanted to learn how to fly a helicopter.

She went to the airport but the only helicopter available was a single seat helicopter.

The instructor figured it would be all right to let her go up alone since she was already a pilot for small planes and he could instruct her via radio.

So up the blonde went. She reached 1,000 feet and everything was going smoothly. She reached 2,000 feet. The blonde and the Instructor continued to talk via the radio.

Everything was going smoothly. At 3,000 feet the helicopter suddenly came down quickly, skimming the top of some trees and crashing into the woods.

The Instructor jumped in his jeep and rushed out to see if the blonde was okay. As he reached the edge of the woods, the blonde was walking out of the wreckage.

"What happened?" the Instructor asked, "All was going so well until you reached 3,000 feet. What happened then?"

"Well," began the blonde, "The higher I went the colder it became so I turned off the ceiling fan."

 

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morning, Satan shudders & says... 'Oh sh!t....she's awake!!'

 

Zen Peach



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  posted on 5/23/2007 at 10:59 AM
A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. After five drinks, he turns to the muscular blonde woman next to him. Interrupting her conversation with her two blonde friends, he asks, "Do you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The woman replies, "I weigh 240 pounds, I'm a world-champion kickboxer and I'm a natural blonde. Here's my friend-190 pounds, a world-champion judoist and a natural blonde. And my other friend-200 pounds, a world-champion arm wrestler, and a natural blonde. Now tell me, do you still want to tell that blonde joke?"

The man thinks for a while and replies, "Not if I have to explain it three times."

 

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Universal Peach



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  posted on 5/23/2007 at 11:38 AM
I have told this one here but it is a favorite of mine

What do you call a black man who flies an airplane??




A PILOT YOU RACIST BASTARD!

Laughter is very good medicine!

 

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  posted on 5/23/2007 at 12:03 PM
A teacher was doing a study testing the senses (taste) of first graders using a bowl of lifesavers.

The children began to say:
Red......................Cherry
Yellow.................Lemon
Green...................Lime
Orange..................Orange

Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. After eating them, none of the children could identify the taste. "Well, she said, I will give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father."

One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled, "Oh, my God, they're a**holes!"

 

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  posted on 5/23/2007 at 06:31 PM
THE TALKING DOG

A man walks into a bar with a dog on a leash. "Bartender," he says, "I'll have a scotch on the rocks, and a whiskey sour for my dog."
"I'm sorry, sir, but we don't allow dogs in here."

"Just a minute," the dog says. "I'm not used to being treated this way. Maybe you've never seen a talking dog."
"Don't give me no talking dog, mister," the bartender tells the man. "You're not the first ventriloquist we've had in here."
"Wait, you've got it all wrong," the man says . "I'll go across the street to get a newspaper, and I'll leave the dog here. Then you'll see."

When the man is gone, the dog says, "Hey, pal, what happened to my whiskey sour?"
The bartender is astonished. "Sure, right away. It's on the house. I can't believe this. Say, would you do me a favor? Here's ten bucks. My wife works in the restaurant next door. Would you mind going in and ordering a coffee to go? This will make her day, and you can keep the change."

"Fine," says the dog, who takes the money and leaves. A moment later, the man returns to the bar. "Hey, where's Oliver?"
"He *can* talk," says the bartender. "I gave him ten bucks to surprise my wife. Here, I'll go with you."

As they leave the bar, they see Oliver in an alley, having his way with an attractive French poodle.
"Oliver, I can't believe it," the man says . "You've never done this before."
"Hey," says the dog, "I've never had money before."




[Edited on 5/23/2007 by les_paul_sunburst]

 

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In my dream I lost a friend
Come down Gabriel and blow your horn
Cause some day we will meet again"

Fallen Angel -Robbie Robertson (for HughDuty...and for TanDan)


RIP Strider...(1999-2012)

 

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  posted on 5/23/2007 at 11:12 PM

The Lawyer and the Blonde

A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun. "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."

This catches the blonde's attention; and, to keep him quiet, she agrees to play the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all references. He uses the Air phone; he searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail.

After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde takes the $500 and goes back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes her up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"

The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.

 

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  posted on 5/23/2007 at 11:51 PM
I would post a "Sang" joke here, but Bobo probably knows them all...

 

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  posted on 5/24/2007 at 08:43 AM
A blind man walks into a store with his seeing eye dog. All of a sudden, he picks up the leash and begins swinging the dog over his head. The manager runs up to the man and asks, "What are you doing?!!" The blind man replies, "Just looking around."

 

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  posted on 5/24/2007 at 09:53 AM
This man got his prescription for Viagra, and goes home to get ready for when his wife gets home. He calls her on the phone, and says, "I'll be home in an hour."
"Perfect," she replies.

The man thinks her agreement is because the Doctor told him to take his Viagra an hour before. He takes the Viagra and waits. Well, and hour goes by, the man is ready to go, but no wife?

She calls him on the phone and she says, "Traffic is terrible. I won't be there for about an hour and a half."

The man, frustrated, calls his Doctor for advice. "What should I do?" he asks.
The Doctor replied, "It would be a shame to waste it. Do you have a housekeeper around?"
"Yes" the man replied.

"Well, maybe you can occupy yourself with her instead?" said the Doctor.
The man then replied with dismay, "But I don't need Viagra with the housekeeper..."

 

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  posted on 5/24/2007 at 04:35 PM
quote:
A blind man walks into a store with his seeing eye dog. All of a sudden, he picks up the leash and begins swinging the dog over his head. The manager runs up to the man and asks, "What are you doing?!!" The blind man replies, "Just looking around."



Oh boy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Zen Peach



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  posted on 5/24/2007 at 04:38 PM
A woman golfing gets stung by a bee...she runs into the club house and says " AHH, I got stung by a bee."
The clubhouse pro asks, " Where did you get stung ?"
The lady replies, " Between the first and second hole."
The pro remarks, " Sounds like you need to close up your stance a bit."

 

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If we practice and eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth, soon the whole world will be blind and toothless. -Mahatma Gandhi.

 

True Peach



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  posted on 5/24/2007 at 05:09 PM
God And Harley

Arthur Davidson, inventor of the Harley Davidson motorcycle
corporation, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter
told Arthur, "since you've been such a good man and your
motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can
hang out with anyone you want in heaven."

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to
hang out with God."

So Arthur asked God " Hey, aren't you the inventor of woman?"

God said, "ah, yes."

"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some
major design flaws in your invention:

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.

2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.

3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.

4. The intake is placed way to close to the exhaust.

5. The maintenance costs are outrageous."

"Hmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God,
"hold on." so God went to his celestial super computer, typed in
a few words, and waited for the results.

The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God tells Arthur,
"but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention
than yours".

 

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Time you enjoy wasting, was not wasted.

 

Zen Peach



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  posted on 5/24/2007 at 06:42 PM
THE HAIR DRYER

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have
to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but
which is to date, unused."

Roaring with laughter,the official said "Go ahead, Father." "Next"

 

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Universal Peach



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  posted on 5/24/2007 at 08:23 PM
Harry is getting along in years and finds that heis unable to perform
sexually. He finally goes to his doctor, who tries a few things but
nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian
medicine man.


The medicine man says, "I can cure this." That said, he throws a white
powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. Then
he says, "This is powerful medicine. You can only use it once a year.
All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you
wish!"

The guy then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to
continue?" The medicine man replies:"All you or your partner have to
say is '1234', and it will go down. But be warned -- it will not work
again for another year!"


Harry rushes home, eager to try out his new powers and prowess. That
night he is ready to surprise Joyce. He showers, shaves, and puts on
his most exotic shaving lotion. He gets into bed, and lying next to
her, says, "123."


He suddenly becomes more aroused than anytime in his life ... just as
the medicine man had promised. Joyce, who had been facing away, turns
over and asks, "What did you say 123 for?"


And that, my friends, is why you shouldn't end a sentence with a
preposition.

 

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  posted on 5/24/2007 at 08:45 PM
A guy goes out night clubbing and spots this lovely looking Chinese girl and without a moment to lose asks her to dance. They get on very well, more dances, a few drinks and at the end of the night she asks him "would you like to come back to my place for coffee?" which of course he does. They arrive at her appartment and she tells him to sit down, have a drink while she slips on something more comfortable. Well, he has his drink and out she comes wearing a see though nightie and says "tonight I'm your complete sex slave, i'll do anything you want" to which he replies "wow that's great, I'd really like a 69!". "Get lost!" she says, "I'm not cooking this time of night!"


 

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  posted on 5/24/2007 at 09:34 PM
A husband takes his wife to play her first game of

golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot

right through the window of the biggest house adjacent

to the course.

The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now

we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize

and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."



So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the

door. A warm voice said, "Come on in."



When they opened the door they saw the damage that was

done: glass was all over the place, and a broken

antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken

window.



A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people

that broke my window?"



"Uh...yes. We're sure sorry about that," the

husband replied.



"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank

you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that

bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released

me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each

one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one

for myself."



"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a

second and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a

year for the rest of my life." "No problem," said the

genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll

guarantee you a long, healthy life!"



"And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie

asked.



"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants

in every country in the world," she said.



"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will

always be safe from fire, burglary and natural

disasters!"



"And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your

wish, genie?"



"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't

been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my

wish is to sleep with your wife."



The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey,

you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses.

What do you think?"



She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know,

you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I

wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"



"You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband.

"I'd do the same for you!"



So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they

spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The

genie was insatiable. After about three hours of nonstop

fun, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her

eyes and asked, How old are you and your husband?"

"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.


"Really?! Thirty-five years old and both of you still

believe in genies?"

 

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  posted on 5/24/2007 at 09:38 PM
A man who has been slipping in and out of a coma regains consciousness. He whispers to his wife, "youve been here through it all. When my business failed and we lost the house, you didn't leave. When my health went, you stayed by my side.. You know what?"

"What dear?" she asks gently..

"Get the hell away from me. I think your cursed."

 

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  posted on 5/24/2007 at 10:57 PM
Q. How many kids with ADD does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A. Let's go ride our bikes!

 

A Peach Supreme



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  posted on 5/25/2007 at 08:46 AM




The Engineer and the Frog

An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want!"

Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want!"

The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool!"


 

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  posted on 5/25/2007 at 08:47 AM
quote:
Q. How many kids with ADD does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A. Let's go ride our bikes!


THAT, I can relate to!!!!! lol!!

 

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