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Author: Subject: Do you have the right to sing the blues?...

Ultimate Peach





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  posted on 5/11/2007 at 04:29 AM
Just came across this on another forum. Got some great laughs from it!...

quote:
Subject: Do you have a right to sing the blues?

If you are new to Blues music, like to write Blues
music, or like it but never really understood the whys and
wherefores, here are some very fundamental rules:

1. Most Blues begin with: "Woke up this
morning..."

2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the
Blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line like, "I
got a good woman, with the meanest face in town."

3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first
line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes sort of: "Got a
good woman with the meanest face in town.
Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in
town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher and she weigh 500
pound."

4. The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a
ditch, you stuck in a
ditch...ain't no way out.

5. Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and
broken-down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility
Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a
southbound train. Jet aircraft and state-sponsored motor pools ain't
even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the Blues lifestyle.
So does fixin' to die.

6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't
fixin' to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being
old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

7. Blues can take place in New York City but not
in Hawaii or anywhere in Canada.
Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is
probably just clinical depression. Chicago, St. Louis and Kansas
City are still the best places to have the Blues.
You cannot have the Blues in any place that don't get rain.

8. You can't have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting
is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by
the dumpster.

9. Good places for the Blues:
a. highway
b. jailhouse
c. empty bed
d. bottom of a whiskey glass

10. Bad places for the Blues:
a. Nordstrom's
b. gallery openings
c. Ivy League institutions
d. golf courses

11. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a
suit, 'less you happen to be an old person, and you slept in it.

12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues?
Yes, if:
a. you older than dirt
b. you blind
c. you shot a man in Memphis.
d. You cant be saisfied.

No, if:
a. you have all your teeth
b. you were once blind but now can see
c. the man in Memphis lived
d. you have a 401K or trust fund

13. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck.
Tiger Woods cannot sing the Blues. Sonny Liston could
have. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the Blues.

14. If you ask for water and your darlin' gives you gasoline, it's the
Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are:
a. cheap wine
b. whiskey or bourbon
c. muddy water
d. black coffee

The following are NOT Blues beverages:
a. Perrier
b. Chardonnay
c. Snapple
d. Slim Fast

15. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues
death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to
die. So are the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a
broken-down cot.
You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis
match or while getting liposuction.

16. Some Blues names for women:
a. Sadie
b. Big Mama
c. Bessie
d. Fat River Dumpling

17. Some Blues names for men:
a. Joe
b. Willie
c. Little Willie
d. Big Willie

18. Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Jennifer, Debbie,
Heather (or Bonnie) can't sing the Blues no matter how many
men they shoot in Memphis.

19. Blues Name Starter Kit:
a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple,
Lame, etc.)

b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon,
Lime, Kiwi, etc.)

c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson,
Fillmore, etc.)

For example: Blind Lime Jefferson, Pegleg Lemon
Johnson or Cripple Kiwi
Fillmore, etc. (Well, maybe not "Kiwi.")

20. I don't care how tragic your life is: if you
own
a computer you cannot
sing the blues, period. Sorry!!!!!
]



"D"

 

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Zen Peach



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  posted on 5/11/2007 at 04:47 AM

 

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If we practice and eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth, soon the whole world will be blind and toothless. -Mahatma Gandhi.

 

World Class Peach



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  posted on 5/11/2007 at 07:34 AM
"you've got to suffer if you want to sing the blues"

David Bromberg

 

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Zen Peach



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  posted on 5/11/2007 at 07:43 AM
ROTF, LMAO


i love how having a singing voice doesn't qualify or disqualify you!

 

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Universal Peach



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  posted on 5/11/2007 at 08:25 AM
I've got those " my hard drive crashed and my semester grades are gone" Blues

Cowboy "Blind. deaf, poor, aint misbehavin" Neil

That might qualify

 

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Peach Master



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  posted on 5/11/2007 at 08:30 AM
That's hilarious - definitely will be sent to my co-workers.

Coincidentally, today's Onion feature article is a good prank on the Blues:

"Blues Singer's Woman Permitted To Tell Her Side"
http://www.theonion.com/content/node/28803

 

Zen Peach



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  posted on 5/11/2007 at 08:38 AM
Once again ...

Now that's comedy!!!!

 

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Zen Peach



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  posted on 5/11/2007 at 11:28 AM
LOL - this is a scream! (and the Onion - gotta love it )
signed Lame Lime Fillmore

 

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Peach Head



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  posted on 5/11/2007 at 12:09 PM
What a riot!

Signed,
Fat Orange Clinton

 

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Universal Peach



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  posted on 5/11/2007 at 12:16 PM
I've had enough pain and suffering the last 30 years, I could loan some folks some blues!
Just don't give 'em back.
spdb

 

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True Peach



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  posted on 5/11/2007 at 01:31 PM
I play the blues to get rid of them, however they always seem to find theri way home...

 

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  posted on 5/11/2007 at 04:16 PM
Absolutely hilarious!!! At least I think so anyway. However, when I shared it over on MySpace I got a nasty message from someone who thinks he's a serious Blues player. Oh well. Some people don't have a sense of humor at all.

 

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Zen Peach



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  posted on 5/11/2007 at 04:23 PM
quote:
However, when I shared it over on MySpace I got a nasty message from someone who thinks he's a serious Blues player
Really??? What was his name? (Crippled Kiwi Sheetyattitude? Skippy McFardle? Abe Rothstein?)
quote:
Oh well. Some people don't have a sense of humor at all.
Must have the blues

 

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Zen Peach



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  posted on 5/11/2007 at 04:25 PM
Thanks Deb. That makes me feel better! LOL!!

 

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Zen Peach



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  posted on 5/11/2007 at 04:38 PM
LOL This is funny!
I may not qualify to sing the blues but I sure love to hear them.

 

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Extreme Peach



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  posted on 5/11/2007 at 05:50 PM
Lyrics to "Suburban Blues" by Martin Mull:

Woke up this afternoon
Saw that both the cars were gone
Woke up this afternoon
Saw that both the cars were gone
I got so mad
I threw my drink across the lawn

 

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Ultimate Peach



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  posted on 5/12/2007 at 12:56 AM
Greggswoman,

quote:
"However, when I shared it over on MySpace I got a nasty message from someone who thinks he's a serious Blues player."


Good grief.

He must REALLY have the blues. So bad that he cant have a good laugh over some harmless humor.

(Of course, that raises the question...can the guy be a "serious Blues player" and have a MySpace account?)

"D"


[Edited on 5/12/2007 by D28guy]

 

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True Peach



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  posted on 5/12/2007 at 07:08 AM
Thanks, that was great!!

 

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Universal Peach



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  posted on 5/12/2007 at 07:22 AM
quote:
Absolutely hilarious!!! At least I think so anyway. However, when I shared it over on MySpace I got a nasty message from someone who thinks he's a serious Blues player. Oh well. Some people don't have a sense of humor at all.


Well damn I know who we need to introduce him to.... Then maybe they'd both stay out of your inbox with their nonsense!




[Edited on 5/13/2007 by RedRider]

 

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Peach Extraordinaire



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  posted on 5/12/2007 at 10:41 PM
quote:
He must REALLY have the blues. So bad that he cant have a good laugh over some harmless humor.

Maybe he was just born under a bad sign and has been down ever since he began to crawl.

 

True Peach



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  posted on 5/12/2007 at 10:56 PM
20. I don't care how tragic your life is: if you
own
a computer you cannot
sing the blues, period. Sorry!!!!!

What if you're looking through the bottom of a whiskey glass at the email your big ugly woman sent you to let you know she took your cadillac and is running off with the brother of the guy you shot in Memphis?


 

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Extreme Peach



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  posted on 5/13/2007 at 09:05 AM
topdroog lmfao!

 

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Check out the Dobro Blues:

myspace.com/MicahKesselring

 

True Peach



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  posted on 5/13/2007 at 12:12 PM
quote:

11. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a
suit, 'less you happen to be an old person, and you slept in it.



 

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People who believe in music are the happiest people I've ever seen.

Bill Ector, Randy Stephens, Dan Hills and a guy named BobO who I never met - Forever in my heart!

 

Universal Peach



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  posted on 5/13/2007 at 12:19 PM
quote:
18. Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Jennifer, Debbie,
Heather (or Bonnie) can't sing the Blues no matter how many
men they shoot in Memphis.



Tell that to Bonnie Bramlett (remember she "punched out" Elvis Costello for talking "trash" about Ray Charles) or Bonnie Raitt, or even Debbie Davis.

[Edited on 5/13/2007 by cleaneduphippy]

 
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True Peach



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  posted on 5/13/2007 at 01:08 PM
The good Rev. Billy C. Wirtz had a song, "I just can't seem to get the blues," that talked about some of this stuff - it was hilarious. Everything was going great for him, he had no complaints, and no matter how hard he tried, he just couldn't seem to get the blues.

I tried to find the lyrics, but had no luck - I haven't heard it in years.

On a related question, how many millions of dollars do you have to earn, and how many mansions and European sports cars do you have to own before you're required to stop wearing dirty wrinkled clothes, letting your hair hang in your face, and bitching about how corporate American doesn't "get it?"

That used to irk me about some of these multi-platinum grungers. Boo-hoo effin' hoo, you were raised by a single mom who had to work all the time . . . that's her in the sable coat and beamer, right?

 

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