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Author: Subject: Is Tom Cruise The Messiah?

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  posted on 2/11/2007 at 03:23 AM

Is Tom Cruise The Messiah?
The Church of Scientology certainly thinks so. What if they're oh-so-horrifically right?
By Mark Morford, SF Gate Columnist

Friday, February 2, 2007

quote:
Cruise 'is Christ' of Scientology

By EMILY SMITH
US Editor
January 23, 2007

http://www.thesun.co.uk/article/0,,4-2007030603,00.html

TOM Cruise is the new "Christ" of Scientology, according to leaders of the cult-like religion.

The Mission: Impossible star has been told he has been "chosen" to spread the word of his faith throughout the world.

And leader David Miscavige believes that in future, Cruise, 44, will be worshipped like Jesus for his work to raise awareness of the religion.

A source close to the actor, who has risen to one of the church's top levels, said: "Tom has been told he is Scientology's Christ-like figure.

"Like Christ, he's been criticised for his views. But future generations will realise he was right."

Cruise joined the Church of Scientology in the '80s. Leader L Ron Hubbard claimed humans bear traces of an ancient alien civilisation.


Oh my sweet Jesus with a resigned grin and an empty bottle of scotch, what if it's all true?

What if the astonishing proclamation made by top gooberhead Scientologist (and official Friend of Tom) David Miscavige is urgent and accurate and Tom Cruise really is that happy cult's personal Jesus, a true deity who may not be recognized in this lifetime for his divine contributions but who, in the future, will be "worshipped like Jesus" for what he has done for humankind and therefore we have all been looking at "Jerry McGuire" and "Days of Thunder" and "MI:III" exactly wrong?

Can you imagine? No? Me neither. Here, try this bottle of Ambien and this forced ingestion of 3,000 powdered copies of Us Weekly and this enthusiastic partial lobotomy. There. Can you imagine now? Excellent.

After all, is it not dazzling to ponder? Is it not the most beautiful and terrifying thing this side of Lynne Cheney in a ball gag and the Olsen Twins eating ham sandwiches off each other's sunken rib cages? Tom Cruise and Jesus, together at last, and not in a bad Spielberg flick full of giant alien spider-pods with Tom sprinting over barren blood-drenched landscapes to save his cute blond child from being eaten alive. It's enough to make you consider Jainism. Or moving to Tibet.

This much is a fact: Apparently, the Grinning One has been told by best pal and Scientology overlord Miscavige that he is indeed a Christ figure, the one who will best spread the gospel of cheese-ball sci-fi novelist-cum-religion-founder L. Ron "I Made the Whole Thing Up" Hubbard to the planet at large and therefore change the world, even though the vast majority of the world only looks at Scientology and, you know, laughs.

It can give you pause. It can make you stop for a split second amid your fit of choking sighs and say, Oh holy hell, what if I've been wrong this entire time and God really isn't a deep all-pervasive nonjudgmental ambisexual pulse of white-hot love running like a cosmic electrical current through everything at all times in all places everywhere and is, instead, manifest in a nice but increasingly insufferable American gazillionaire actor with a fading career and a strangely brainwashed wife? Verily, hell hath not room enough for all of us who have yet to see the light. The light of Cruise.

It's not as far-fetched as you might think. After all, our top celebrities have already become more than mere American royalty. Many are often infused, by way of the devout glassy stares of millions of rabid fans, with the qualities of deity. They are worshipped and revered and their actions are followed like gospel and I myself have been known to kneel in humble reverence at the altar of Cate Blanchett. And Eva Green. And Jenna Haze. Hell, do you not look at Daniel Craig emerging from the ocean in "Casino Royale" and see the very light of heaven? This is what I'm saying. Well, sort of.

Oh, I hear you. I hear you say, Oh please. I hear you say, What the hell is wrong with media today that I have to read about this sort of perky celebrity fluff in a large American newspaper when people are, you know, abusing drugs and raping babies and dying and also paying actual money to see "Night at the Museum"? I hear you say, Is this some sort of sick delightful joke designed to torment my humble spirit and inspire me to smoke more medical marijuana so as to numb the savage karmic pain of this vicious yet wonderful life?

To you I say, Yes, yes it -- wait, what was the question again?

We must face some hard truths. Such as: There is little to disprove claims of Cruise's Jesusitude. Sure, it would appear that adorable little Joel "Risky Business" Goodsen has done little in this life to actually teach or inspire or lead the masses to greater truths, to bring humble and celestial lessons to humankind while radiating some sort of sincere and awesome light that makes flowers bloom and preachers swoon and televangelists demand you send them more money or you will die miserable and lost and alone.

Then again, have you not seen Tom talk up the glory of his penis in "Magnolia"? Did you not see the strange, prom-like wedding photos from his marriage to Katie in Italy? Who are you, a mere peon, a mere movie-suffering mortal fool who wouldn't know a gay prostitute from an evangelical preacher, to judge what is the behavior of the divine?

Look. They say the Messiah is never truly recognized in his own lifetime. They say he could even be walking among us, right now, humble and serene and perhaps even ignored or rejected, but nevertheless calmly gauging the planet for its readiness to make the Great Leap to the heavenly afterlife (or, in the case of Scientology, to the planet Gorzon IX on giant purple spaceships made of nuclear lava and pudding, or whatever).

The real Messiah, he might even be persecuted, mocked, looked down upon by the supposed arbiters of culture and faith. This is always the way. Look, for example, at how we are treating poor Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton, Adam Sandler. Could they not be holy deities, misunderstood and attacked but who are secretly taking notes on who shall earn salvation by way of helping them afford giant gated Malibu homes made of diamonds and candy?

And who are you to say that John Travolta, Tom's fellow high-ranking Scientologist buddy, isn't actually the second coming of St. Peter? Would this help explain "Wild Hogs"? Well, no. But hey, yours is not to reason why.

Of course, there is one test that could be administered to prove Tom's divinity. Mel Gibson. Mel could chain Tom to a large rock and hire large angry Roman gladiators to beat him into a bloody veal-like pulp in some sort of pornographic ultraviolent snuff film and then nail Tom to a large cross until his internal organs failed and his hair became all adorably tousled and then, well, then we wait. For a sign.

And lo, if "Top Gun" is suddenly re-released on a solid-gold director's-cut DVD licked by fellow Scientologists Jenna Elfman and Priscilla Presley and Beck, ye shall knoweth, he is the son of God. Or, you know, Hubbard. Whichever.

http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/gate/archive/2007/02/02/notes02020 7.DTL&nl=fix





[Edited on 2/11/2007 by Hophead]

 

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  posted on 2/11/2007 at 04:02 AM
LMFAO!!!

Too bad the Peachie Awards are closed - Post of the Year!

Ye of little faith, the Almighty Cruiser has already pointed the way to Enrichment, er...ah...I mean Enlightement.

"Show Me The Money!!!" The mo' money, the mo' enlightened. Tom Cruise is the Messiah and the diety is 'Green'! Hallelujah!

"Sometimes you just gotta say, 'What the f*ck' " - Joel Goodsen

Can I get an Amen?

 

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  posted on 2/11/2007 at 12:35 PM
quote:

Can I get an Amen?



Yes. For $2,000.00.

Have you ever watched an interview with Tom Cruise? I'd have to say he's one of the most unintelligent people I have ever heard speak. I mentioned this to my mom a few weeks ago - I forget how we got on the topic - but she responded that might not be such a bad thing in an actor. As a "blank canvass," he or she might be more malleable for a director, and easier to shape into the character of the moment.

Perhaps she is right. I don't know enough about the craft or profession to give an opinion on that.

However, I think as a spiritual leader, blank canvass translates to "empty vessel." If you are empty and ready to be filled by a divine benevolent power, then that can be a good thing. However, you're empty and then filled by the ideas of a wicked charlatan, and because of your celebrity you can potentially be very successful at spreading that charlatanism, then that is potentially a dangerous thing.

I'm not worried about Cruise, though. He's too stupid to pull it off.

 

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  posted on 2/11/2007 at 01:06 PM
I guess we know now the color of the sky in his little world don't we? Holy cow.....the Messiah? He's not even that good of an actor!!!!

 

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  posted on 2/11/2007 at 01:17 PM
quote:
LMFAO!!!

Too bad the Peachie Awards are closed - Post of the Year!

Ye of little faith, the Almighty Cruiser has already pointed the way to Enrichment, er...ah...I mean Enlightement.

"Show Me The Money!!!" The mo' money, the mo' enlightened. Tom Cruise is the Messiah and the diety is 'Green'! Hallelujah!

"Sometimes you just gotta say, 'What the f*ck' " - Joel Goodsen

Can I get an Amen?




you'd better believe i'm the messiah or i'll jump on your faith!!!



 

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  posted on 2/11/2007 at 01:26 PM
I think nailing Tom to a cross is not a bad idea.

 

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  posted on 2/11/2007 at 01:31 PM
Wonder if Tom can "walk on water"?
 

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  posted on 2/11/2007 at 01:31 PM
quote:
I think nailing Tom to a cross is not a bad idea.



Now that's funny!

 

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  posted on 2/11/2007 at 01:39 PM
quote:
I think nailing Tom to a cross is not a bad idea.

Wonder if Tom can "walk on water"?





it would be the true test to see if he was the messiah - it's kind of hard to walk on water with holes in your feet.

 

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  posted on 2/11/2007 at 11:53 PM
Well, they (both the "old" Jesus and the new Jesus,"Tom") had hot ladies. From Mary Magdalene to Nicole Kidman and now Katie...hmmmmm...

 

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  posted on 2/12/2007 at 04:08 AM
Pfffffffwaaaaaahhhaaaaaaaaaaa

that's all I have to say

 

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  posted on 2/13/2007 at 12:32 PM
oh my god that is a funny article, thanks hoppy!

 

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  posted on 2/13/2007 at 02:21 PM
There may be some credence to this whole notion.

I know every time I see a clip of him on tv I always say "Christ, it's Tom Cruise."

 

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  posted on 2/13/2007 at 11:13 PM


 

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  posted on 2/13/2007 at 11:44 PM
I guess this was before he knew all

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PSunibUiun0

 

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  posted on 2/14/2007 at 12:06 AM
quote:
I guess this was before he knew all

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PSunibUiun0




maybe it was his baptism?

 

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  posted on 2/15/2007 at 01:43 PM
ROTFLMAO! ScienTOMogy.com!!! Love it! Funny article and great post, Hop! LOL

 

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