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Author: Subject: Ditka Stories From The Sweet River

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  posted on 1/25/2007 at 11:57 AM
Dis I heard from a very reliable source...

Once during da month of January, on da north shore of Oahu, Hawaii, Coach Ditka, wearing only a flower print swim suit and holding a 12 oz bottle of beer in his left hand...surfed from two miles out to sea. on a twenty five foot wave, into shore on da hood of a Volkswagon Beatle.

Upon arriving onto da beach, to a crowd of 1000 or more fans cheering him on, Da Coach den finished drinking his beer, where upon he put da bottle into his mouth and began to chew up da bottle as if it were a fist full of popcorn. After a couple, two, tree minutes...Coach Ditka reached into his mouth and pulled out a necklace of Nave Blue and Orange Pearls... Yes, my friends...they were pearls that he had formed in his mouth from the glass of da beer bottle into da colors of da Chicago Bears.

Dis man, that we know as Da Coach, is not of dis world...

Da necklace....well, it was giving to a female fan, who upon making eye contact with Da Coach, freely removed her bikini top to reveal to Da Coach her beautiful breasts.

Bears 126
Colts 3
Ditka 186

Just from watching the game, Ditka will score 186 points to win The Super Bowl...


Bearz!


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Billy Hollems

 

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  posted on 1/25/2007 at 12:01 PM
Dis I heard from a very reliable source:

Back in da summer of 87, Da Coach was in Los Angeles visiting friends, and dining at da world famous Spago restaurant owned by Wolfgang Puck. During da dinner, Da Coach caught a big sniff of crushed pepper off of his 48 oz Rib Eye cut steak. Upon doing so, Da Coach threw up a sneeze that sounded like a growl from an eight foot 1800 lb. Grizzly Bear...Along with da sneeze came a snot wad that could cause many women to feel faint.

Well, as you could imagine, Da Coach was not at all happy about dis, and with his ninja like reflexes, he grabbed da arm of a gentleman sitting at da next table, and used da man's shirt sleeve to wipe up da snot wad projected from da sneeze. Da shirt sleeve dat Da Coach used to clean himself up with, just so happened to belong to one, Mr. Chuck Norris.

Mr. Norris was not very pleased with da situation, and he quickly stood up, squared up with Da Coach and looked Da Coach straight in eyes. It was at that moment my friends dat Mr. Chuck Norris sat back down in his seat and began to cry.

Upon leaving da restaurant, Mr. Norris kindly picked up Da Coaches dinner tab, and generously tipped da entire wait staff.

Da Coach! Is a man amongst men my friends, and his Royal Ditkaness should not be viewed upon lightly.

Bearz 212
Colts 7
Ditka 347


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Billy Hollems

 

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  posted on 1/25/2007 at 12:06 PM
Dis I heard from a very reliable source:

Once, back in 1992, Da one we all know as, Da Coach, was on a vacation trip to Pamplona, Spain for da Running Da Bullz.

Along with many of da men attending da festival, Coach Ditka himself, had decided to participate in da event of da Running Of The Bullz.

As da ceremony began to commence, Da Coach was off and running at da head of da pack like an Alaskan Brown Bear in pursuit of some idiot who was sneaking up on him in da wild to take his picture...It was a beautiful sight to see my friend...I gotta tell ya, it had to look like he was shot out of a cannon...dat goofy bastard.

In any event, as you know, Da Coach has a hip dat has been reconstructed out of granite, concrete, and Elmer's Wood Glue...and to top it off, it is all brought together by a couple, two, tree dozen titanium screws.........Now this part of da story I find a bit hard to believe, but rumor has it dat just for good measure, a small piece of da original Astro Turf from da old Soldier Field playing field, has been added as a bushing between da joints of his hip.

Whatever...Astro Turf, or no Astro Turf...Da Coach was running like he had 0.9 seconds to get into da end zone from forty yards out.

Oh yes, I forgot to mention, dat as he was running ahead of da bulllz, he was also eating a Mr. Beef, Combo Sammy, dipped wet and hot. Dis my friends he had shipped in from Chicago special for da event.

Anyways, as Da Coach was running with da bullz, he felt as if his hip was slipping, so he decided to stop to check out if everything was okay. Upon doing so, he turned around and held his handd up to da on coming bullz and said, "Hey! slow it down, and walk around."

Much to da surprise of all da other participants and all of da on looking festival goers, da bulls slowed down, held their heads down low and calmly walked around Da Coach...All but one ambitious bull dat continued to move toward Da Coach on a full out sprint ready to impale Da Coach with it's bull horns.

Well, as you could imagine, Da Coach didn't take to lightly to da behavior of dis one ambitious bull, and as da bull was about impale Da Coach, da Royal Dikaness, pulled back and delivered an upper cut blow to da bulls jaw followed by a round house kick to da other side of da bulls head...Get dis, it was da bad hip dat Da Coach used to pivot off of on da round house kick.

Alright then...da upper cut was a devastating blow that had busted da jaw of da bull, but it was the shame of da bull that hurt da bull the most.

Da bull then humbly came to rest beside Da Coach allowing for Da Coach to climb aboard the back of da bull, whereas, Da Coach rode da bull da rest of da way into da bull fighting arena to da screams and cheers of thousands.

As Da Coach dismounted da bull, he turned to da bull, smacked it on the ass, and told da bull to go home.

Da Bearz

Bearz 119
Colts 7
Ditka 227


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Billy Hollems

 

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  posted on 1/25/2007 at 12:40 PM
Once back in 2002, Da Coach was playing in a Texas Hold 'Em Tournament held at da Ho Chunk Casino in the scenic Wisconsin Dells of Baraboo, Wisconsin.

When Da Coach plays poker, every hand he holds is considered to be a Royal Ditka Flush, which beats all other hands.

By default, Everyone goes "All IN" and Da Coach is dealt a Royal Ditka Flush to take down da entire tournament. Prior to da start of da tournament, a check was made out to Da Coach in da amount of da final prize purse allowing Da Coach more time to move on to da Bar and Restaurant to enjoy a meal with friends.

Da tournament participants were allowed to play in various side games for the remaining duration of da tournament...

Bearz 192
Colts 10
Ditka 327

Peace

Billy Hollems




[Edited on 1/25/2007 by SweetRiver]

 

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  posted on 1/25/2007 at 01:02 PM
funny stuff on "His Ditkaness" SweetRiver! LMAO

 

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  posted on 1/25/2007 at 01:04 PM
In 06, on a dare and bet from a friend, Da Coach entered a Chicago area Cadillac dealership to purchase a new Cadillac Escalade SUV.

Upon entering into da final details to close da deal, Da Coach opened his brief case, to reveal dat it was filled with Monopoly money in da amount of da cost of da Escalade...

Da dealership and da bank accepted Da Coach's offer along with free oil changes for da life of da vehicle.

Da Coach is now da proud owner of a navy blue Cadillac Escalade SUV.

Peace

Billy Hollems

 

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  posted on 1/25/2007 at 01:58 PM
I think Da Coach could be Eddie Munster all growns up!

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Billy Hollems

 

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  posted on 1/25/2007 at 07:28 PM
quote:
I think Da Coach could be Eddie Munster all growns up!
LOL - Eddie Munster, huh?

 

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  posted on 1/25/2007 at 07:36 PM
Those were excellent. Gave me a good laugh

 

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