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Author: Subject: going through a divorce, this sucks

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  posted on 12/26/2006 at 08:46 AM
Never wanted this to happen-but, it has to.
My wife is bi-polar(manic-depressive) and she has been on the run since a week before thanksgiving. We have 3 children together, all boys under 12. They are with me and I am trying to get a divorce as soon as possible but it's very expensive and I'm trying to recover from the damage she has done to our bank account already.
does anybody have any good advice?????
I reside about 20 min. south of charlotte,NC in S.C.
I know that this too will pass, but it sure is tough right now
Happy Holidays
looking forward to wanee, realatives in florida are gonna watch the kids while i go
Todd.

 
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Zen Peach



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  posted on 12/26/2006 at 09:24 AM
Good luck Todd. Sounds like you need some well wishes. I hope the wife gets help too.

Wanee will be the best thing for you. I'm trying to get some plans together for this also.

 

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  posted on 12/26/2006 at 10:24 AM
man, my prayers are with you....

 

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  posted on 12/26/2006 at 10:33 AM
My prayers are with you Todd! Hope everythings is ok!
 

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  posted on 12/26/2006 at 10:34 AM
Sorry to hear it.... make sure you get a good lawyer to protect your remaining assets....

 

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  posted on 12/26/2006 at 10:36 AM
Todd,

Been through the divorce thing myself, and it ain't no fun. Advice? Take things one day at a time, try to keep your sons' lives as normal as possible and don't let yourself get caught up using the bottle (or any other substances) to deal with the pain that everybody that goes through divorce has to go through. Remember you got lotta friends around here, many of which have gone down this same road. Wishing you the best on what will no doubt be a journey that will sometimes be difficult and hard. But do know, in the long run, things will get better.

You and yours take care.
Fred B.

 
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  posted on 12/26/2006 at 10:40 AM
quote:
Todd,

Been through the divorce thing myself, and it ain't no fun. Advice? Take things one day at a time, try to keep your sons' lives as normal as possible and don't let yourself get caught up using the bottle (or any other substances) to deal with the pain that everybody that goes through divorce has to go through. Remember you got lotta friends around here, many of which have gone down this same road. Wishing you the best on what will no doubt be a journey that will sometimes be difficult and hard. But do know, in the long run, things will get better.

You and yours take care.
Fred B.


well put.

Hang tough, Todd. One day at a time.....

 

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  posted on 12/26/2006 at 10:47 AM
It's supposed to suck. Means you're a human being. If it doesn't bother you, it means you're dead inside--not a real person.
 
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Zen Peach



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  posted on 12/26/2006 at 10:50 AM
the hardest thing to do is to forgive..the sooner you do it, the sooner you feel better...

 

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  posted on 12/26/2006 at 11:03 AM
Have you or your wife ever sought help? I am bipolar myself and as long as I stay on my meds I can deal, mental health has come a long way.
 

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  posted on 12/26/2006 at 11:03 AM
WOW, Wanee sounds like wonderful therapy for you. May just be there myself if the tax man is as good to me as I'm hoping. Best of vibes to you, man........

"Cause breakin' up is hard to do!
They say that breakin' up is hard to doo-oo
Now I know, I know that it's tr-uu-uu"

Doo-wop, Doo-wop

 

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  posted on 12/26/2006 at 11:22 AM
quote:
Have you or your wife ever sought help? I am bipolar myself and as long as I stay on my meds I can deal, mental health has come a long way.


Excellent point. Very brave of you to come on and share this.

 

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  posted on 12/26/2006 at 11:41 AM
I've been there, too. Things will get much better but it is a tough road, especially for the kids.

A great philosopher wrote: "It seems to me that I once heard everything is finally cured by time."

Good luck Todd!

 

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  posted on 12/26/2006 at 11:56 AM
If there are any compulsions/addictions involved- drinking, drugs, over-spending( sounds like your wife qualifies there), you will get wonderful support from Al-Anon or similar 12 steps programs for families of the addict. The premise there is that you didn't cause it and you cannot control it, so all you can do is take care of yourself, and in this case your kids.

 

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  posted on 12/26/2006 at 12:02 PM
well, my only advice is as follows: Divorce is expensive..............because its WORTH it.

You can still be friendly with your ex but that path has issues as well. sometimes i think its best to cut off all ties.

also, therapy is probably going to work out for you guys, so try that first. with the kids involved it probably is best.

but if you do decide to go through with it - YES, it sucks, horribly - but know that it does get better. i suggest changing your bank accounts right away, before you file court papers.

its easier to let the small **** go then to let the big **** go because of the small **** . unfortunatley only you can decide which is what.

 

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  posted on 12/26/2006 at 12:40 PM
Remember this,

It's only a bump in the road, not the end

Good luck, Bro


 

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  posted on 12/26/2006 at 02:01 PM

I often tell my mom, "What women in my life that you have known of have treated me well, or even appreciated me?" Well, that's my rationale for just letting it go and sayin' F'em, life is too short. Enter cats. Now let me offer you two of my own life experiences.



I knew a woman some three years ago now that had a MAJOR personality disorder. In the one year that I knew her, I can honestly tell you that Linda was quite, let's just say BIZARRE. Linda was a different person from day to day. Sometimes I thought perhaps it is hormones, but menopause doesn't take an entire year, right? Anyway Linda at one point, before I had met her, had been hospitalized due to a mental breakdown. In her divorce it seems she lost custody of her three kids. Linda had once been mentally stable, and she had been in the Air Force. She even tried to get back in the Air Force, but either due to her age, or her mental state she was denied entrance a second time. Beyond Linda's obvious mental condition I often felt was a decent human being, but in the state she was in, she was a bit on the dangerous side, always threatening to sue someone, always in a rage, angry, bitter, and then too was her sweet Child of God, Jesus Loving, Virtuous woman from Proverbs side. I was drawn to that sweet side as well. And Linda also had a very sweet voice. I always liked her voice.


It is my opinion that probably Linda couldn't afford her medication, or her mental problem had not been quite diagnosed. Linda often even quoted her psychotherapist's evaluation, some letter she had at home. I guess this was Linda's "NOT INSANE" letter. She told me a couple of times that "she was adjusting quite well" according to some psychotherapist that she had seen over time.


Anyway, I was drawn to Linda. I cared about Linda. Let me tell you it is only a heartache to care about someone who has such a mental disorder, especially when the disorder is not being treated.



Also, I can tell you about my friend Mike. Mike has two boys and an ex-wife who is bipolar. I met Mike's ex-wife only ONCE and she was crying, and this also had Mike in tears. Mike explained to me also that his ex was using drugs. Mike let his messed up ex abuse him in every way possible. Mike was left there "still" loving a woman with a mental problem. And let me tell you, Mike was a bit off as well.



Anyway, my advice is to get out of your marriage relationship, IF your wife cannot be treated, or if she will not take her medication. Your future ex-wife will still be the mother of your children, if she is the mother of course. A mentally stable person does not need to be in a binding marriage contract with someone who is mentally unstable. You should not let someone with a mental disorder destroy your life financially, nor should you let her instability haunt your children. It has got to be excruciatingly painful to be in such a situation, but mental illness is very real and you have to protect yourself. You can only be a martyr for so long afterall.


Good Luck and happy holidays.


And you are also reading the advice of a 43 year old guy who has never been married. I think the so called normal women are trouble enough, let alone women with real psycholigical problems.


Take care and I hope my words might help.








[Edited on 12/26/2006 by JaminRebel]

 

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  posted on 12/26/2006 at 02:05 PM
quote:
I think the so called normal women are trouble enough, let alone women with real psycholigical problems.




but the boys got a point.....

 

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  posted on 12/26/2006 at 02:14 PM
My sympathies to ya ... the hurt will eventually fade ... so do
make sure you protect your fair share ... you'll be much better
prepared to resume your life after that hurt has gone. Mine is
five years old and I'm still dealing with the aftermath ... due in
large part to the fact that I dwelled on the pain so much that
I just kinda rolled over and played dead when it came time to
put feelings aside and protect my future.

Somebody said this , and I paraphrase in a genderless manner
so as not to start any gender-pointing ...

"You never truly know your mate until you see him/her on the
other side of a court room aisleway".

I found this quote to be so damn true.

 

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  posted on 12/26/2006 at 02:25 PM
First of all, sorry to hear about that.

Second, lots of things seem to suck and then to turn out to be some of the best things that could happen to you. Of course its best if we all could stay married happily ever after, especially when we have kids, but it doesn’t always work that way and sometimes its better to go through the pain of divorce than to live an entire life of misery.

Hang in there. The sun will come up tomorrow, and the day after, and the day after.

Things will get better.

Advice…

Well since you asked.

Every situation is different and I don’t know you, but…

Yes get a good lawyer/financial advisor. It sounds like your wife is unpredictable and out of control. Illness or no illness, you’ve still got to protect yourself and your kids. One big step is protecting your assets and your credit rating.

Try to help your wife if you can, but don’t completely jeopardize yourself in doing so. Especially with kids, its always best to work it out if you can. But with something like bi-polar, well I hate to sound negative, but it may be a fruitless fight. My experience (and what little reading I’ve done) is that it tends to get worse as people get older and it frequently ends badly. You should protect your kids and yourself.

Having said all that, having a kid grow up without one parent is terrible. So even if you have to split up, please try and remember that no matter how things look through your eyes, try to see things through your kids eyes and do what’s best for them. In the end, my guess is that your happiness will depend in large apart on your kids’ happiness.

New point, and maybe this was just me, but when my marriage split up, I had two distinct emotions….(1) I was depressed (It was like the death of a close relative, plus being embarrassed about being a failure, feeling like my life would never get better, lonely, etc.) (2) I wanted to hug some females for whom I would otherwise would have had no desire.

So get some “talking therapy” if you need it and be aware of your emotional needs. IMO, its OK to take those hugs and one night stands, but be honest with the women you meet and with yourself. Don’t get in too deep simply because you need a hug.

Good Luck!

 

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  posted on 12/26/2006 at 02:44 PM
I know what your going through. My wife of 15 years left. We had two children that were around 10 and 8 years old. I would not let her take the kids. I told her she could break up the marriage but not the home. So the kids have been with me ever since. I always allowed them to see her when ever she or they wanted too. Dont get in the way of their relationship as much as it may hurt. They will still need their mother if not now, later. I would not discuss anything about the split in front of the kids. Most kids have memories like elephants. I wouldnt ever down grade their mother especially in front of the kids. It will come back to haunt you later on. Get a good attorney. What she accumlated debt wise after she leaves is on her back. My ex, cleaned out about 10 grand out of our equity line before leaving. I had to pay that back. But what she does apt lease, charge cards, in her name, etc should not be your responsiblility. The kids are the most important issue at hand. I promise it all will hurt, but only time will ease the pain. Take care of all the legal stuff. If the case goes to court,there is no telling what the judge decide. Avoid at all possible going to court.
Always let the kids no they had nothing to do with it and you will always be there for them....God Bless You.

[Edited on 12/26/2006 by rottinpeach]

 

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  posted on 12/26/2006 at 02:52 PM
quote:
"You never truly know your mate until you see him/her on the
other side of a court room aisleway".

I found this quote to be so damn true.


x2

 

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  posted on 12/26/2006 at 03:51 PM
DO WHATEVER YOU GOTTA DO TO PROTECT THEM CHILDREN!! THEY COME FIRST!! (i'm sure you know that).i know it's hard to deal with mental illness. i had it in my family and it ain't no picnic. the kids got pushed to the back burner and it still haunts em to some degree. i ain't got no advice on the rest of your situation cause opinions are like asses, everbody got one. i hope you get the help you need and everthang turns out for the best. i will be prayin for you & your kids.

 

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  posted on 12/26/2006 at 04:48 PM
quote:
IMO, its OK to take those hugs and one night stands, but be honest with the women you meet and with yourself. Don’t get in too deep simply because you need a hug.



Todd,

BAD ADVICE, especially when there is children involved. No doubt, there will be some "custody issues", and I'll gurantee you, that her attorney will do anything to make you look like "a cheating, womanizing SOB", if given a chance, and just being seen with another woman is all he needs to plant that seed. You need hugs, see your Mama or your sisters, need sex, well, unfortunately it's going to be "Rosie and the five sisters" and a magazine for a while. Trust me on this, you need not get involved with any other woman before the divorce is final unless you want to take the risk, that her attorney will turn things around, and make you look like the cause of the divorce. Truth be told, you could lose custody of your sons and be paying a helluva lot of child support. Remember, let the "Big Head" do the thinking.

[Edited on 12/26/2006 by cleaneduphippy]

 
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  posted on 12/26/2006 at 05:24 PM
You are all truly the best and it means so much to me to hear from each of you,
there is truly a great family vibe within these ranks, it's easy to feel the love.
I have found that during this time at the whipping post(that's what my uncle calls it)
it's good to reach out and talk to people, it helps to get the anger out instead of feeding on it.
peace to you all and thanks for caring.
by the way, the kids had one great Christmas thanks to great individuals in our area that wanted to help, generosity is alive and well today.
my eyes have been opened to many different things during this time, but not all bad
i've caught a glimpse at the beauty of human spirit in action
Todd.

 
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