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Author: Subject: George Carlins new rules for 07

Universal Peach





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  posted on 12/6/2006 at 04:39 PM
New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for
weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes, graduations, and releases
from jail. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy
it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of
looting.

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There's a
reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't
particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of
the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot,
blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description
for these kids: LUCKY BASTARDS.

New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards,
you're gay. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If
you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care
about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole
aisle of this crap at the supermarket - water, but without that watery
taste.  Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored
water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored
water.

New Rule: Stop f***ing with old people. Target is introducing a
redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top
is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it,
his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just
solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the
a**hole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande
half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread
cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one
NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge a**hole.

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my
card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount,
deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the
kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my
Almond Joy.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it
doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it
translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything
spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not
spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven
deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating,
because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned
exciting.  What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that.
It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for
M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants.
After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just
had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be
there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your
webcam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in
months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese.

 

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Zen Peach



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  posted on 12/6/2006 at 05:16 PM
George needs to lighten up

and lay off the oxycotin.

 

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A Peach Supreme



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  posted on 12/6/2006 at 05:24 PM
I like the one about the tattoo

 

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Universal Peach



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  posted on 12/6/2006 at 07:33 PM
I like the one about the toddlers age, and John its OK to have baseballcards,its just a joke!

 

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True Peach



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  posted on 12/6/2006 at 07:52 PM
this most likely is NOT by George... this shows up every year with the new stuff posted on it... go read his site if you want to see what he has to say about this stuff...


here is a snopes link from last year
quote:
http://www.snopes.com/politics/soapbox/newrules.asp


here is his site...
http://www.georgecarlin.com/home/home.html

 

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Universal Peach



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  posted on 12/6/2006 at 08:46 PM
Damn it! sorry folks,I thought a few were funny, my bad

 

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Peach Master



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  posted on 12/6/2006 at 08:56 PM
quote:
Damn it! sorry folks,I thought a few were funny, my bad



I liked 'em ... don't know if it's Carlin or not .... but it reads
like his style

 

True Peach



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  posted on 12/6/2006 at 09:31 PM
I agree... funny is funny... I just wanted to point out that he wasn't the likely source...

 

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Universal Peach



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  posted on 12/6/2006 at 09:49 PM
Thanks Rosh,I appreciate it as I am a fan of George's,went tohis website and saw that Katrina rules hoax there as well,thats just not right.

funny but incorrect,again my apologies folks.

 

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Peach Master



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  posted on 12/6/2006 at 10:35 PM
No apology needed.
THEY WERE FUNNY!

 

True Peach



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  posted on 12/7/2006 at 06:27 PM
i thought they was funny i don't care where they come from

 

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Zen Peach



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  posted on 12/7/2006 at 06:39 PM
quote:
i thought they was funny i don't care where they come from


I'm with Renee on that.

 

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Peach Extraordinaire



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  posted on 12/7/2006 at 09:59 PM
I've heard George do that Starbucks bit, so I know that one is his....
 

Zen Peach



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  posted on 12/7/2006 at 11:44 PM
quote:
I like the one about the toddlers age, and John its OK to have baseballcards,its just a joke!


I don't have any.

I think George has gotten more angry and less funny lately.

 

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World Class Peach



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  posted on 12/8/2006 at 09:59 AM
I'm with the "who cares who said it" group. It's darn funny. Thanks for the post Neil, it made me laugh

 

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Zen Peach



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  posted on 12/8/2006 at 10:03 AM
quote:
quote:
I like the one about the toddlers age, and John its OK to have baseballcards,its just a joke!


I don't have any.

I think George has gotten more angry and less funny lately.


AKA....Cranky Old Man

 

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