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Author: Subject: The 12 Flicks of Xmas

Universal Peach





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  posted on 11/24/2004 at 09:38 AM
Almost that time of year, and here's 12 Flicks to get you in proper state of mind for Christmas.

The 12 Flicks of Xmas
A dozen holiday not-so-classics on video

KELLI K

French hens are hard to come by, the only good partridge is a baked one, and Lord knows six geese a-layin' make one vicious stain on the living room carpet. So to celebrate the most stressful countdown of the year, I've taken the liberty of creating a new, more easily attainable holiday list -- The 12 Flicks of Xmas. You won't find Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, A Charlie Brown Christmas or Dr. Seuss' How the Grinch Stole Christmas on this list (those are gimmies. Start checking your TV Guide on a daily basis now). No, these movies are either old, odd or push the limits of good taste. But they all pay homage to Santa's favorite season in their own unique ways (excepting one Chanukah flick). Even more important, most are available at your local video store for a pittance. The holidays are enough of a financial burden already without the additional care and feeding of four calling birds.

12th Day: National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation
Ease your way into the fray with Clark, Cousin Eddie and 25,000 imported Italian "twinkle" lights. It's no National Lampoon's Vacation, but Christmas Vacation will help you take the season less seriously. And what could be more cheering than Eddie's friendly cry, "Shitter's full!"

11th Day: Gremlins
Cute and cuddly Mogwais, a pre-coke Corey Feldman and a post-Fast Times Phoebe Cates. The mischievous monsters will remind you of your kids (or remind you why you don't have any). I always find myself wishing the mean Mrs. Deagle (played by Polly Hollyday) would say "Kiss my grits!" just once.

10th Day: Snowman Double Feature: Jack Frost/Jack Frost
One, a super-cheesy horror flick from 1997, features a serial killer reincarnated as a snowman and offers one-liners like "I'm the world's most pissed-off snow cone!" The other, a super-cheesy family film from 1998, features a neglectful dad (Michael Keaton) reincarnated as a snowman and is about as much fun as an icicle in the eye. But the holidays wouldn't be the same without a little suffering, so there ya go.

9th Day: Bikini Bandits Save Christmas
"The First Full-Length Flash Animation Movie Ever!!!" According to its website anyway, but who cares? All you'll be interested in are the bad-ass, foul-mouthed, gun-totin' buxom Bikini Bandits, a funky group of ho-ho-ho's who must save Christmas from the evil Mr. G (who wants to buy the holiday for his own nefarious purposes) and rescue Santa after he's drugged at a titty bar and kidnapped by a bunch of thugs and a voodoo vixen. Check out www.gyromart.com if you don't believe us.

8th Day: Adam Sandler's Eight Crazy Nights
Sandler's homage to Chanukah (and himself), Eight Crazy Nights has silly and hysterical songs, the oddly adorable yet disturbing Whitey Duvall, and juuuust enough seasonal seriousness to give the ol' heartstrings a tweak. Stop your kvetching already and check it out.

7th Day: Silent Night, Deadly Night
Parents protested the release of this movie back in 1984 because it depicts a young man -- who works as a toy-store Santa -- axing people to death while wearing his work uniform. Personally, I think it makes a moving statement about the stress on Santa impersonators.

6th Day: Christmas Action Double Feature: Die Hard/Lethal Weapon
Nothing says Christmas like "Now I have a machine gun -- Ho Ho Ho" (Die Hard) and Gary Busey shooting Jimmy Stewart's Wonderful Life image with .223 ammo (Lethal Weapon).

5th Day: Bad(der) Santa
More sex, more foul language, and more of Billy Bob Thornton playing a drunken **** of a department store Santa. How about that scene where he pisses his Santa pants in front of a line full of kids? And don't even get us started on the string of women who "couldn't **** right for a week."

4th Day: The Nightmare Before Christmas
Anyone who's ever wanted to be something they're not can identify with Jack Skellington, the Pumpkin King of Halloweentown, in his bid to replace Santa. Sure, the jolly guy himself suffers a few indignities, but the fat bastard has been revered long enough. And this stop-motion fable by Tim Burton is amazing for its originality and execution.

3rd Day: Emmet Otter's Jug-Band Christmas
Holidays Jim Henson-style. This twist on "The Gift of the Magi" finds Emmet and Ma making sacrifices to win the yearly talent show. Note to purists: The DVD release has minor but noticeable differences from the original 1977 version.

2nd Day: Scrooged
At times more reminiscent of Charles Addams than Charles Dickens, Scrooged features Bill Murray at his misanthropic best as Frank Cross, a TV exec who has to be scared into changing his ways. John Forsythe, Carol Kane, Bobcat Goldthwait and Buster Poindexter steal scenes in turn.

1st Day: A Christmas Story
The story of a boy and his gun, A Christmas Story is so beloved by so many, the Bay area gets a 24-hour fix every year -- 6 p.m. Christmas Eve till 6 p.m. Christmas Day on TNT. Grab your Little Orphan Annie Secret Decoder Ring, order some Chinese takeout, down a shot every time someone says "You'll shoot your eye out," and cuddle up close with your nearest NRA-member loved one to watch every last second. Merry Christmas.

kelli@weeklyplanet.com

 
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Peach Extraordinaire



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  posted on 11/24/2004 at 01:56 PM
quote:
1st Day: A Christmas Story


i love that damn movie.

"it says 'fragile' - hmmmmmnnnnn.....must be french" LOL!!!!

 

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  posted on 11/24/2004 at 01:57 PM
Hey, Home Alone isnt on that list......

 

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  posted on 11/26/2004 at 05:05 PM
How about

"White Christmas" or "Its a wonderful Life"

For christmas I want a red rider compass stock, pump action bb-gun.

'You'll shoot your eye out"

Peace
John

 

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Universal Peach



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  posted on 11/26/2004 at 06:56 PM
Careful with that John. Don't shoot your Mother in the ass with one like I did....

 

Zen Peach



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  posted on 11/27/2004 at 08:14 PM
I thought RedRider only shoots Black Bart?

On Thanksgiving, I was watching my Brother carve the turkey and nearly drop it
on the floor where his Bumpass Hound was waiting, I thought
we'd have Chinese turkey for sure.

Peace
John

 

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Universal Peach



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  posted on 11/27/2004 at 10:08 PM
Bro came in from outside and put the BB gun on the kitchen shelf to get something out of the fridge. I was about 4, tall enough I guess, mom was bent over getting something out of the oven, boom...boy did he get in trouble!@*%

[Edited on 11/28/2004 by RedRider]

 

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  posted on 11/28/2004 at 07:32 AM
not really a flick, does anyone remember the pee wee herman ( no jokes please) xmas special? it came out when he had his show on saturday's...it had charo singing felice(sp?) navidad...

i triple dog dare you...

 

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  posted on 11/29/2004 at 11:54 AM
i cant belive that kid from a Christmas Story is a porn star now...the one who got his tounge stuck to the pole.

poetic justice? you decide.....

 

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  posted on 11/29/2004 at 12:00 PM
quote:
i cant belive that kid from a Christmas Story is a porn star now...the one who got his tounge stuck to the pole.

poetic justice? you decide.....


Scotty Schwartz.


I've seen the porn... it's pretty funny. Now he gets his pole stuck to the tongue.

 

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  posted on 11/29/2004 at 04:17 PM
Too many good lines from Christmas Story...

My kid brother looked like a tick about to pop...

You can put your arms down when you get to school...

Randy lay there like a slug, it was his only defense...

In my neighborhood you were either a bully, a toady or one of the endless rabble of victims...

 

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  posted on 11/29/2004 at 04:34 PM
My whole family is into feel-good type Christmas movies.

Both Tim Allen movies, for instance, "Elf," "Christmas with the Kranks," which we saw on Thanksgiving Day.

 

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  posted on 11/29/2004 at 05:21 PM
Jack Frost, where to begin with that movie????? First off, we start it at scene 11 so our kids don't see him drive off a cliff. Gonna try and shiel them from that for a nother year or so.....

But it is a Rock and Roll movie everywhere you turn.Jack's idol is SRV, a clip of Couldn't Stand the Waether is on in the flick. Trevor Rabin and some other notable names are in the movie brielfy as jack's band and one of those crazy Zappa kids drives the plow (I Think).

But an often overlooked rather bizzare Christmas Cartoon is "A Wish For Wings That Work" A Opus and Bill story about Christmas Redemption.It was on only once I think about 8 -10 years ago and I taped it and I haven't seen it since.

 

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Universal Peach



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  posted on 11/29/2004 at 05:42 PM
quote:
But an often overlooked rather bizzare Christmas Cartoon is "A Wish For Wings That Work" A Opus and Bill story about Christmas Redemption.It was on only once I think about 8 -10 years ago and I taped it and I haven't seen it since.


I Love little Opus...can't believe I missed it. I'm in mourning.

 

Zen Peach



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  posted on 11/29/2004 at 05:49 PM
I love the Ren and Stimpy Christmas Story. About
looking for Stimpy's lost flatulant son "Stinky".

So Heart warming.

Peace
John

 

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