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Author: Subject: Jokes

True Peach



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  posted on 6/20/2003 at 07:56 PM
Two little children, a little boy and a little girl were sitting around discovering and comparing their anatomies one day. The little boy said, "I've got two eyes". The little girl said, "I do, too". The little boy points to his chest and says, "I've got nipples". The little girl examines herself and says, "me, too". The little boy drops his pants and points to his penis. "I've got a pee-pee", he says. The little girl examines herself and notices that finally, there is a feature that she lacks. She goes home crying. Her mother asks her why she's crying and the little girl tells her. "Well, don't you worry", says her mom. "As long as you've got a vagina, you can get as many pee-pees as you want".

 

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Music is love, and love is music, if you know what I mean.
People who believe in music are the happiest people I've ever seen.

Bill Ector, Randy Stephens, Dan Hills and a guy named BobO who I never met - Forever in my heart!

 

Zen Peach



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  posted on 6/22/2003 at 08:50 AM


A Sweet A$$ Story

It was another Payday and I was tired of Mr. Goodbar.

I saw Miss Hershey standing behind the Powerhouse on the corner of Clark and Fifth Avenue when I whipped out my Whopper and whispered, “Hey Sweetheart, how'd you like to Crunch on my big hunk for a Million Dollar Bar?”

Well, she immediately went down on my Tootsie Roll, and it was like pure Almond Joy!

I couldn't help but grab her delicious Mounds because it was easy to see that this little Twix had the Red Hots.

It was all I could do to hold the Snickers and Crackle as my Butterfinger went up her tight little Kit Kat and she started to scream “Oh Henry, Oh Henry!”

Soon she was fondling my Peter Pan and ZagNut and I knew it wouldn't be long before I blew my Milk Duds clear to Mars that gave her a taste of the old Milky Way.

She asked me if I was into M&M, but I said, “Hey Chicklet, no kinky stuff.” I said, “Look you little Reese's Pieces, don't be a Zero, be a Lifesaver. Why don't you take my Whatchamacallit and slip it up your Bit 'O' Honey?”

(What a piece of Juicy Fruit she was, too!)

She screamed, “Oh Crackerjack, better than the Three Musketeers!” as I rammed my Ding Dong up her Rocky Road and into her Peanut Butter Cup.

Well, I was giving it to her Good 'N' Plenty, when all the sudden... my Starburst!

Yeah, as luck would have it, she started to grow Chunky and complained of a Wrigley in her stomach.

Sure enough, nine months later, out popped? Baby Ruth!


[Edited on 6/22/2003 by yurtle]

 

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Zen Peach



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  posted on 6/22/2003 at 08:53 AM





Big Boss Man

When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss.
The brain said, "I should be boss because I control the whole body's responses and functions."

The feet said, "We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go."

The hands said, "We should be the boss because we do all the work and earn all the money."

And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs, and the eyes until finally the a-hole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the a-hole being the Boss. So the a-hole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work.

Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered. Eventually they all decided that the a-hole should be the boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the boss just sat and passed out the **** !

Moral of the story: You don't need brains to be a boss - any a-hole will do.





 

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Zen Peach



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  posted on 6/22/2003 at 10:38 AM

A Real Watch Dog

A blind man walked into a bank with his seeing-eye dog that guided him everywhere. He walked into the center of the bank floor, took the dog by the chain, and started swinging him around his head.
Everyone stopped what they were doing and stared. The other customers were taken aback and some were very upset at the way the animal was being treated. One of the tellers ran up to the blind man and asked, "Sir, what are you doing!?!"

The man turned toward the teller and said, "Oh, nothing - just looking around."

 

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Zen Peach



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  posted on 6/23/2003 at 03:46 PM
> > > > Subject: Three LIttle Pigs
> > > >
> > > >
> > > > Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter
comes
> > > > and takes their drink order.
> > > > "I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy.
> > > > "I would like a Coke," said the second little piggy.
> > > > "I want water, lots and lots of water," said the third little
piggy.
> > > >
> > > > The drinks are brought out and the waiter takes their orders
for
> > > > dinner.
> > > >
> > > > "I want a nice big steak," said the first piggy.
> > > > "I would like the salad plate," said the second piggy.
> > > > "I want water, lots and lots of water," said the third little
piggy.
> > > >
> > > > The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter
> > > > approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any
> > > > dessert.
> > > >
> > > > "I want a banana split," said the first piggy.
> > > > "I want a root beer float," said the second piggy.
> > > > "I want water, lots and lots of water," exclaimed the third
little
> > > > piggy.
> > > >
> >
> > > > "Pardon me for asking," said the waiter! to the third little
piggy,
> > > > "but why have you only ordered water all evening?"
> > > >
> > > >
> > > > You're gonna LOVE me for this....
> > > >
> > > > Hold on to your seat .
> > > >
> > > >
> > > > At the risk of never receiving e-mail ever again........
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > > The third piggy says -
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > > "Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!"
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > >
> >

 

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Zen Peach



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  posted on 6/30/2003 at 07:10 AM



> A Kentucky Phone Company was going to hire a team of telephone pole
> installers, and the boss had to choose between a team of two rednecks and
> a team of two Irish guys?
>
> So the boss met with both teams and said: "Here's what we'll do. Each
> team will install poles out on the new road for a day. The team that
> installs the most phone poles gets the job".
>
> Both teams headed right out. At end of the shift, Pat and Mike, the Irish
> guys, came back and the boss asked them how many they had installed. They
> said that it was tough going, but they'd put in twelve.
>
> Forty-five minutes later, Bubba and Duke, the redneck guys came back and
> they were totally exhausted. The boss asked, "Well, how many poles did
> you guys install?" Bubba, the team leader wiped his brow and sighed,> "Duke and me, we got three in." The boss gasped, "Three? Those two Irish
> guys put in twelve!"
>
> "Yeah," said Bubba, "but you should see how much they left stickin' out
> of the ground

 

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RIP Cindy Fischer
RIP Hugh Duty
RIP John Ott

 

Zen Peach



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  posted on 7/1/2003 at 08:42 PM
A SOUTHERN LOVE POEM

> >
> > Suzy Lee fell in love.
> >
> > She planned to marry Joe.
> >
> > She was so happy about it all,
> >
> > she told her pappy so.
> >
> > Pappy told her, "Suzy gal,"
> >
> > you'll have to find another.
> >
> > I'd just as soon yo maw don't know,
> >
> > but Joe is yo half-brother.
> >
> > So Suzy forgot about her Joe
> >
> > and planned to marry Will.
> >
> > But after telling pappy this,
> >
> > he said, "There's trouble still."
> >
> > "You can't marry Will, my gal
> >
> > and please don't tell yo mother,
> >
> > cause Will and Joe and several mo
> >
> > I know is yo half-brother.
> >
> > But mama knew and said, "Honey chile,
> >
> > do what makes you happy.
> >
> > Marry Will or marry Joe,
> >
> > You ain't no kin to pappy!"
> >
> >

 

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Extreme Peach



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  posted on 7/1/2003 at 09:11 PM
How's about a Grateful Dead joke:

Q: How many deadheads does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A1: 40,000. One to change the lightbulb, 499 to tape the event, 15,000 to dance and twirl in ecstasy, 5000 to sit and grumble that "they used to change 'em better in the old days", 5,000 to wander around outside with (mix and match) one finger in the air, calling out "doses", "da kine", "veggie burritos", "groovy dyes", "guats", "spare change", "gas/motel/food money", 4000 to wander around outside dancing at the cars with the tunes blasting from the tape decks, lining up at the balloon trucks, 100 scalpers selling fake bulbs, 400 state/local/federal officers looking for all the above...oh, yeah, and 10,000 to follow the old burned out one to the next town.


 

Extreme Peach



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  posted on 7/2/2003 at 02:34 AM
Q: How do you know that there´s a drummer at your door?
A: The knocking speeds up...

Q: How do you know there´s a drummer at your door?
A: After knocking he doesn´t know when to come in...

Q: Why do bassplayers have brains size of a pea?
A: They´ve been swollen because of excessive drinking...

Musos, no need to get excited, these are only jokes... I myself am a drummer...

 

True Peach



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  posted on 7/2/2003 at 04:05 PM
List of the Funniest Bumper Stickers In America

1. Constipated People Don't Give A **** .

2. That is so five minutes ago!!

3. If You Drink Don't Park, Accidents Cause People.

4. Who Lit The Fuse On Your Tampon?

5. If You Don't Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut.

6. Please Tell Your Pants Its Not Polite To Point.

7. If That Phone Was Up Your Butt, Maybe You Could Drive A Little Better.

8. My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant.

9. Thank You For Pot Smoking.

10. To All You Virgins: Thanks For Nothing.

11. If At First You Don't Succeed... Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.


12. Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings".

13. If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.

14. Horn Broken ... Watch For Finger.

15. It's Not How You Pick Your Nose, But Where You Put The Booger.

16. If You're Not A Hemorrhoid, Get Off My Ass.

17. You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me

18. The Earth Is Full - Go Home

19. I Have The Body Of A God ... Buddha

20. This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me

21. So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time

22. Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult

23. If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?

24. The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name

25. Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway

26. Illiterate? Write For Help

27. Honk If Anything Falls Off

28. Cover Me I'm Changing Lanes

29. He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit

30. I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person

31. You! Out Of The Gene Pool!

32. I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To

33. Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Handbasket?

34. If Sex Is A Pai n In The Ass, Then You're Doing It Wrong...

38. Fight Crime: Shoot Back!

39. [Seen Upside Down On A Jeep] If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over...

40. Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35mph Are Also Timed For 70mph.

41. Guys: No Shirt, No Service - Gals: No Shirt, No Charge

42. If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba
The Hut?

43. Necrophilia: That Uncontrollable Urge To Crack Open A Cold One.

44. Ax Me About Ebonics

45. Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel

46. Boldly Going Nowhere

47. Cat: The Other White Meat

48. Caution - Driver Legally Blonde

49. Don't Be Sexist - Bitches Hate That

50. Heart Attacks ... God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends.

51. Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window

52. How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He is lost?

53. If You Can't Dazzle Them With Brilliance, Riddle Them With Bullets.

54. Money Isn't Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In Touch

55. Saw It ... Wanted It ... Had A Fit ... Got It!

56. My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom.

57. GROW YOUR OWN DOPE --- PLANT A MAN.

58. All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets.

59. Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them

60. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

61. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

62. BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.

63. So you're a feminist...Isn't that precious.

64. I need someone really bad...Are you really bad?

65. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder

 

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UGLY is BAD and BAD is WRONG and WRONG is SINFUL and SIN leads to ETERNAL DAMNATION. _ F.Z.

 
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Zen Peach



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  posted on 7/2/2003 at 04:29 PM
First good one i got in awhile..........
if it's already ppsted here 10,000 apologies.......

Prejudiced? ......yes! Funny? ........definitely!

subject:Educated Conversations?

A Tennessee trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-40 and says to the driver, "Got any ID?"
The driver says, "'Bout what?"
******
Two Mississippians are walking toward each other, and one is carrying a sack. When they meet, one says, "Hey Tommy Ray, whatcha got in th' bag, Jus' some chickens"If I guesses how many they is, kin I have one?"
"Shoot, if ya guesses right, I'll give you both of 'em!"
"OK. Ummmmm...five?"
******
Man from Woodstock,VA came home and found his house on fire.
He rushed next door, telephoned the fire department and shouted,
"Hurry over here-muh house is on fahr!"
"OK," replied the fireman, "how do we get there?"
"Shucks, don't you fellers still have those big red trucks?"
******
Why do folks in Gore,VA go to R-rated movies in groups of 18 or more?
Because they heard 17 and under aren't admitted.
******
Ida Mae passed away and Bubba called 911. The
911-operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away.
"Where do you live?" asked the operator.
Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive.
" The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?"
After a long pause, Bubba said, "How 'bout I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"
****
Know why they raised the minimum drinking age in Virginia to 32?
They wanted to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
******
What do they call reruns of "Hee Haw" in Capon Springs,WV?
Documentaries
******
Where was the toothbrush invented?
Arkansas. If it were invented anywhere else, it would have been called a teethbrush.
******
Did you hear about the $3,000,000 West Virginia State Lottery?
The winner gets $3 a year for a million years.
*******
A new law was recently passed in Wincheter,VA so that when a couple gets divorced, they're still brother and sister.
******
What do a divorce in Alabama, a tornado in Kansas and a hurricane in Florida have in common?
No matter what, somebody's fixin' to lose a tr ailer.
******
How do you know when you're staying in a Middletown,VA motel?
When you call the front desk and say
"I've got a leak in my sink,"
and the person at the front desk says, "Go ahead.

 

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you know there just ain't no telling

what a satisfied girl will do.

 
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True Peach



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  posted on 7/10/2003 at 05:25 PM
SOUTHERN BIRTH SIGNS


What's Your "Southern" Sign? Some of us (especially Southerners) are pretty skeptical of horoscopes, and it has become obvious that what we need are "Southern"symbols:

OKRA (Dec 22 - Jan 20) Although you appear crude, you are actually very slick on the inside. Okras have tremendous influence. An older Okra can look back over his life and see the seeds of his influence everywhere. Stay away from Moon Pies.

CHITLIN (Jan 21 - Feb 19) Chitlins come from humble backgrounds. A chitlin, however, can make something of himself if he's motivated and has lots of seasoning. In dealing with Chitlins, be careful. They can erupt like Vesuvius. Chitlins are best with Catfish and Okra.

BOLL WEEVIL (Feb 20 - Mar 20) You have an overwhelming curiosity. You're unsatisfied with the surface of things, and you feel the need to bore deep into the interior of everything. Needless to say, you are very intense and driven as if you had some inner hunger. Nobody in their right mind is going to marry you, so don't worry about it.

MOON PIE (Mar 21 - Apr 20) You're the type that spends a lot of time on the front porch. It's a cinch to recognize the physical appearance of Moon Pies. Big and round are the key words here. You should marry anybody who you can get remotely interested in the idea. It's not going to be easy. This might be the year to think about aerobics. Or - maybe not.

POSSUM (Apr 21 - May 21) When confronted with life's difficulties, possums have a marked tendency to withdraw and develop a don't-bother-me-about-it attitude. Sometimes you become so withdrawn, people actually think you're dead. This strategy is probably not psychologically healthy, but seems to work for you. One day, however, it won't work and you may find your problem s actually running you over.

CRAWFISH (May 22 - June 21) Crawfish is a water sign. If you work in an office, you're always hanging around the water cooler. Crawfish prefer the beach to the mountains, the pool to the golf course, the bathtub to the living room. You tend to be not particularly attractive physically, but you have very, very good heads.

COLLARDS (June 22 - July 23) Collards have a genius for communication. They love to get in the "melting pot" of life and share their essence with the essence of those round them.. Collards make good social workers, psychologists, and baseball managers. As far as your personal life goes, if you are Collards, stay away from Moon Pies. It just won't work. Save yourself a lot of heartache.

CATFISH (July 24 - Aug 23) Catfish are traditionalists in matters of the heart, although one's whiskers may cause problems for loved ones. You catfish are never easy people to understand. You prefer the muddy bottoms to the clear surface of life. Above all else, Catfish should stay away from Moon Pies.

GRITS (Aug 24 - Sept 23) Your highest aim is to be with others like yourself. You like to huddle together with a big crowd of other Grits. You love to travel though, so maybe you should think about joining a club. Where do you like to go? Anywhere they have cheese or gravy or bacon or butter or eggs. If you can go somewhere where they have all these things, that serves you well.

BOILED PEANUTS (Sept 24 - Oct 23) You have a passionate desire to help your fellow man. Unfortunately, those who know you best - your friends and loved ones - may find that your personality is much too salty, and their criticism will probably affect you deeply because you are really much softer than you appear. You should go right ahead and marry anybody you want to because in a certain way, yours is a charmed life. On the road of life, you can be sure that people will always pull over and stop for you.

BUTTER BEAN (Oct 24 - Nov 22) Always invite a Butter Bean because Butter Beans get along well with everybody. You, as a Butter Bean, should be proud. You've grown on the vine of life and you feel at home no matter what the setting. You can sit next to anybody. However, you, too, shouldn't have anything to do with Moon Pies.

ARMADILLO (Nov 23 - Dec 21) You have a tendency to develop a tough exterior,but you are actually quite gentle. A good evening for you? Old friends, a fire, some roots, fruit, worms and insects. You are a throwback. You're not concerned with today's fashions and trends. You're not concerned with anything about today. You're really almost prehistoric in your interests and behavior patterns. You probably want to marry another Armadillo, but Possum is another somewhat kinky, mating possibility.

 

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UGLY is BAD and BAD is WRONG and WRONG is SINFUL and SIN leads to ETERNAL DAMNATION. _ F.Z.

 
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Ultimate Peach



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  posted on 7/10/2003 at 08:09 PM
Q: What's blue and **** s old people?
>A: Hypothermia.
>**********************************************************************
>Q: What's the first thing a woman does when she gets out of the battered
>wives' shelter?
>A: The dishes, if she knows what's good for her.
>**********************************************************************
>Q: How do you swat 200 flies at one time
>A: Hit an Ethiopian in the face with a frying pan.
>********************************************************************** Q:
>What is the definition of "making love"?
>A: Something a woman does while a guy is **** ing her.
>**********************************************************************
>Q: What do 54,000 abused woma n every year have in common?
>A: They don't **** ing listen.
>**********************************************************************
>Q: What's yellow and green and eats nuts?
>A: Gonorrhoea.
>*********************************************************************
>Q: Why did God create yeast infections?
>A: So women would know what it's like to live with an irritating **** once
>in a while too.
>**********************************************************************
>Q. How can you tell a macho woman?
>A. She rolls her own tampons.
>**********************************************************************
>Q. Why do fags like ribbed condoms?
>A. Better traction in the mud.
>**********************************************************************
>Q. What's the difference between a woman and a sheep?
>A. The sheep doesn't get upset if you screw her sister.
>**********************************************************************
>Q. What's the difference between acne and a Michael Jackson?
>A. Acne usually doesn't come on a kid's face until he's at least 13 years
>old.
>**********************************************************************
>Q. How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
>A. Marry him.
>**********************************************************************
>Q. What do you get when you cross two black people?
>A. Your ass kicked.
>**********************************************************************
>Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
>A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
>**********************************************************************
>Q. Why do men pay more for car insurance?
>A. Because women don't get blow jobs while they're driving.
>**********************************************************************
>Q. What's the difference between mayonnaise & semen?
>A. Mayonnaise doesn't hit the back of a girl's throat at thirty miles an
>hour.
>**********************************************************************
>Q. Why do women call it PMS?
>A. Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
>**********************************************************************
>Q. What's a mixed feeling?
>A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.
>**********************************************************************
>Q. What's the height of conceit?
>A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
>**********************************************************************
>Q. What's the definition of macho?
>A. Jogging home from your own vasectomy.
>**********************************************************************
>Q. How can you tell if you're at a bulimic bachelor party?
>A. The cake jumps out of the girl.
>**********************************************************************
>Q. What's the differenc e between oral sex & anal sex?
>A. Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.
>**********************************************************************
>Q. How is pubic hair like parsley?
>A. You push it to the side before you start eating.
>**********************************************************************
>Q. What's so good about an Ethiopian blowjob?
>A. You know she'll swallow.
>**********************************************************************
>Q. Why don't they teach driver's education and sex education on the same
>day in Iraq?
>A. They don't want to wear out the camel.
>**********************************************************************
>Q. What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
>A. A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewellery.
>********************************************************************** Q.
>What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
>A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball.
>*********************************************************************
>Q. How do the little boys at Michael Jackson's ranch know when it is
>bedtime?
>A. When the big hand touches the little hand...
>**********************************************************************
>Q. How do you know when it's time to wash dishes and clean the house?
>A. Look inside your pants; if you have a penis, it's not time.
>**********************************************************************
>Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
>A. They spray paint X's on the back of the animals that kick.
>**********************************************************************
>Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
>A. Because it's worth it!
>--

 

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Peach Pro



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  posted on 7/10/2003 at 10:47 PM
quote:
A college professor was doing a study testing the
senses of first-graders using a bowl of Lifesavers.
He gave all of the children the same kind of lifesaver
one at a time and asked them to identify them by color
and flavor.

The children began to say:

"Red..................cherry".

"Yellow...............lemon".

"Green................lime".

"Orange...............orange".

Finally, the professor gave them all honey Lifesavers.

After eating them for a few moments, none of the
children could identify the taste. "Well" he said,
"I'll give you all a clue. It's what your mother may
sometimes call your father."

One little girl looked up in horror, spit hers out and
yelled, "Everybody, spit 'em out - they're
assholes!!!"




That is JUST so funny!

 

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"A lot of it I don't know, a lot of it I've forgotten, but most of it just reminds me that the Who are the best f*****g rock and roll band in the world."
- Roger Daltrey

 

Zen Peach



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  posted on 7/13/2003 at 08:24 AM
Its JULY In The SOUTH and...

The birds are using potholders to pull worms out of the ground.

The trees are whistling for the dogs.

The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.

Hot water now comes out of both taps.

You can make sun tea instantly.

You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron.

The temperature drops below 90 and you feel a little chilly.

You discover that in July it only takes 2 fingers to steer your car.

You discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.

You actually burn your hand opening the car door.

You break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m.

Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"

You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.

The potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper.

Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying boiled eggs.

The cows are giving evaporated milk.

 

____________________

 

Zen Peach



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  posted on 7/13/2003 at 08:37 AM
Spring has sprung
Fall has Fell
Here in mid-July
It's hotter than
usual

 

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Zen Peach



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  posted on 7/13/2003 at 08:17 PM
A father watched his daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her and noticed she was looking at two spiders mating "Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked. "They're mating," her father replied. "What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she asked. "That's a Daddy Longlegs." Her father answered "So, the other one is a Mommy longlegs?" the little girl asked. "No," her father replied. "Both of them are Daddy Longlegs." The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat. "Well, we're not having any of that **** in our garden."

 

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Extreme Peach



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  posted on 7/13/2003 at 08:23 PM
pick up line: do you have a mirror in your pants? because I can see myself in there.

 

____________________
What?! No! We can't stop here! This is bat country!! - R. Duke

 

Zen Peach



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Posts: 21270
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  posted on 7/14/2003 at 08:41 PM


THIS IS CUTE!!!!
>COMPUTERS
>
>Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better
at
using the computer. They had been going at it for days, and God the
Father was tired of hearing all the bickering.
>
>Finally, God the Father said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test
which
will take two hours and it will judge who does the better job ."
>
>So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.
>
>
>
>They moused.
>
>
>
>They did spreadsheets.
>
>
>
>They wrote reports.
>
>
>
>They sent faxes.
>
>
>
>They sent e-mail.
>
>
>
>They sent out e-mail with attachments.
>
>
>
>They downloaded.
>
>
>
>They did some genealogy reports.
>
>
>
>They made cards.
>
>
>
>They did every known job.
>
>
>
>But, ten minutes before the time was up, lightning suddenly flashed
across
the sky, thunder rolled,the rain poured, and of course, the electricity
went off.
>
>
>
>Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known
in
the underworld.
>
>
>
>Jesus just sighed.
>
>
>
>The electricity finally flickered back on, and each of them restarted
their computers.
>
>
>
>Satan started searching frantically screaming, "It's gone! It's all
gone!
I lost everything when the power went out!"
>
>
>
>Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all his files from the
past
two hours.
>
>
>
>Satan observed this and became even more irate. "Wait! He cheated! How
did
he do it??!!"
>
>
>
> >(You'll love the punch line....)
>
>
>
>God shrugged and said, "Jesus Saves".

 

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Zen Peach



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  posted on 7/15/2003 at 05:26 AM
Grandma's 100th Birthday Bash

>
>The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where
>the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma
>couldn't speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to
>communicate. After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started
>leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her,
>straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right.
>
>A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the
>family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left. Soon she started
>leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, then tied a
>pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.
>
>A nephew who arrived late came running up to Grandma and said, "Hi
>Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?"
>
>Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the
>nephew, "They won't let me fart."



 

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True Peach



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  posted on 7/16/2003 at 05:15 PM
Subject: Spuds You know that all potatoes have eyes.
Well, Mr. and Mrs. Potato had eyes for each other, and finally they got
married, and had a little sweet potato, whom they called "Yam."
Of course, they wanted the best for Yam. When it was time, they told her
about the facts of life. They warned her about going out and getting
half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for
herself like "Hot Potato," and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots.
Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a
rotten potato out of her. But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and
become a Couch Potato, either. She would get plenty of exercise so as not
to be skinny like her Shoestring cousins. When she went off to Europe, Mr.
and Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for the hard-boiled guys from
Ireland. And the greasy guys from France called the French Fries. And when
she went out west, to watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get
scalloped. Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't
associate with those high class Yukon Golds, or the ones from the other
side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks that say,
"Frito Lay."
Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P. U. (that's Potato University) so
that when she graduated she'd really be in the Chips. But in spite of all
they did for her, one day Yam came home and announced she was going to
marry Tom Brokaw.
Tom Brokaw!
Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset. They told Yam she couldn't possibly
marry Tom Brokaw because he's just a...

Are you ready for this?


Common Tater

 

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UGLY is BAD and BAD is WRONG and WRONG is SINFUL and SIN leads to ETERNAL DAMNATION. _ F.Z.

 
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Zen Peach



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  posted on 7/21/2003 at 01:35 AM
Oklahoma Preacher
>
>
>
> The new Oklahoma preacher was a dead ringer for Conway Twitty. One day
> he decided to visit some of the church members who hadn't been to
> service lately.
>
> He went to the first lady's house and knocked on the door. When she
> answered the door, she said, "Conway Twitty!" "No, ma'am," he replied.
> "I'm your new pastor, and I just stopped by to have a prayer with you."
>
> So she said come right on in.
>
> He visited several more homes, and everyone thought he was Conway
> Twitty.
>
> Eventually, he came to the house at the end of the street. It turned
> out to be the residence of a young widow. At the time that the Reverend
> knocked on her door, the young widow was taking a shower. Hearing the
> knock, she just wrapped a towel around herself, ran to the door and
> threw it open. When she saw her caller, she threw up her hands-which
> allowed the towel to fall to the floor putting all her wonderful young
> and luscious curves on display.."Oh my God!" she exclaimed. "It's Conway
>
> Twitty!"
>
> The preacher just smiled and said, "Hello, Darlin."

 

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Zen Peach



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  posted on 7/21/2003 at 07:34 AM
for the computer geeks (ok...the unix GEEKS)

 

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you know there just ain't no telling

what a satisfied girl will do.

 
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Zen Peach



Karma:
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Registered: 3/13/2003
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  posted on 7/21/2003 at 07:35 AM
If Linux was a car...Sense of Humor required!

M: Hey Pete, Can you help me put a radio in my Debian?

P: You're an Idiot, RTFM!

M: I need more help than that.

P: You're an idiot! I did a Google search. It's in the page referenced by the footnote in the 37th hit. If I could find it, so can you.

GS: (good Samaritan) You need to rebuild the engine to add a radio.

M: Rebuild the engine?

P: You're an idiot!

GS: There's a how-to. It's written for a "Hat", but it's mostly correct except that engine is in the rear. It's translated from German, but they did a pretty good job. It'll tell you to hook the radio to the red and black wires, but since you've got a Debian, there won't be any red and black wires. And you still need to write the radio driver. Don't forget to regrind the camshaft. If you don't, you'll get an error message that you don't have permission to change the tire pressure, but it's the camshaft. You'll need a lot of tools, but you can get them for free. Most of them come with instructions... about 900 pages in all. Read 'em all carefully and understand 'em before you start. Should be able to figure it all out in a couple of months.

[MUCH LATER...]

M: Hey Pete, I didn't get all the stuff I needed to rebuild my engine. Can I borrow your Drake again?

P: The wife has the Drake, but you can borrow the Hat.

M: This is different. Where's the steering wheel?

P: That dashboard was really using a lot of gas. This has what is called a CLI. Just type CTRL-L to go left and CTRL-R to go right.

M: What about the gas and brakes?

P: That's all combined into a single speed number. Just type ps | grep speed. The headings are in Klingon, but the third number is the one you want. Just divide by the speed of light to get meters/second. You'll have to parse it out, calculate the new speed and use the nice function to change the priority of the process. That changes the speed. If you had just read the manpage, I wouldn't have had to tell you all that.

M: Which manpage?....never mind... What if I need to stop in a hurry?

P: Gotcha covered. There's a script for panic stops. Just type PanicStop-3.8.63278665-HAT when=now. It will ask you for a password. Enter the password and hang on cause you're gonna stop real quick. I'm really proud of the deceleration optimization routine. Be careful typing, it's case sensitive. If it gives you a cryptic error message and doesn't stop, it's probably because you forgot to add yourself to the brakes group. It's all in the manpage.

M: Which manpage?....never mind...

[MUCH, MUCH LATER....]

M: I wish I hadn't sold my Gates. At least I could drive it to town and pick up Granny....

P: You're an idiot!.....

 

____________________
you know there just ain't no telling

what a satisfied girl will do.

 
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True Peach



Karma:
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Registered: 12/1/2001
Status: Offline

  posted on 7/22/2003 at 06:59 PM
Monica Lewinsky has registered as a Republican voter. She has said that the Democrats left a bad taste in her mouth.

 

____________________
UGLY is BAD and BAD is WRONG and WRONG is SINFUL and SIN leads to ETERNAL DAMNATION. _ F.Z.

 
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