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Author: Subject: Jokes

Zen Peach



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  posted on 6/14/2003 at 12:30 PM
> > >Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I
would
> >
> > >not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if
we
were
> >
> > >supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we
cannot
live
> >
> > >forever, which is why I would not live forever," --Miss Alabama in
the
> >1994
> > >Miss USA contest.
> > >``````````````````````````````````
> > >"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids
> > >all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be
skinny
> >like
> > >that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff." --Mariah
Carey
> > >````````````
> > >"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important
part of
> >your
> > >life," --Brooke Shields, during an interview to become
Spokesperson for
> > >federal anti-smoking campaign.
> > >`````````````````````````````````````````````````
> > >"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"
> >--Winston
> > >Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
> > >`````````````````````````````````````````````
> > >"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime
rates
> >in
> > >the country," --Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.
> > >`````````````````````````````
> > >"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers.
We are
> >the
> > >president." --Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of
subpoenaed
> > >documents.
> > >````````````````````````````````````````````! ````````
> > >"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a
jackass,
and
> >
> > >I'm just the one to do it," --A congressional candidate in Texas.
> > >````````````````````````````
> > >"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from
them.
> > >There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the
Indians
> > >were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves." --John Wayne
> > >```````````
> > >"Half this game is ninety percent mental." --Philadelphia Phillies
> >manager,
> > >Danny Ozark
> > >``````````````````````````````````
> > >"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the
impurities
> >in
> > >our air and water that are doing it." --Al Gore, Vice President
> > >```````````````````
> > >"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." --Dan
Quayle
> > >``````````
> > >" It's no exaggeration to say that the undecided could go one way
or
> > >another" --George Bush, US President
> > >``````````````````````
> > >"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we
need?"
> > >--Lee Iacocca
> > >```````````
> > >"I was provided with additional input that was radically different
from
> >the
> > >truth. I assisted in furthering that version." --Colonel Oliver
North,
> >from
> > >his Iran-Contra testimony.
> > >`````````````````````````````````````````
> > >"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy
like
> > >Norman Einstein." --Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback &
sports
> > >analyst.
> > >````````````````````````````````````````````
> > >"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain
types of
> > >people." --Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.
> > >`````````````````````````````````
> > >"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." --Bill Clinton,
> > >President
> > >``````````````````
> > >"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
--Al
> > >Gore, VP
> > >``````````
> > >"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."
> >--Keppel
> > >Enderbery
> > >```````````````
> > >"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we
> >received
> > >notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if
there
> >is
> > >a change in your circumstances." --Department of Social Services,
> > >Greenville, South Carolina
> > >````````````````````````````````````````````
> > >"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night
as
> >they
> > >go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night.
And the
> >
> > >next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."
--Mark S.
> > >Fowler, FCC Chairman
> > >````````````````````````
> > >
> > >....Feeling smarter yet? >

 

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True Peach



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  posted on 6/14/2003 at 02:52 PM
Girls night out - Her story!
The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls."
I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!"
Well, the hours passed and the champagne was going down way too easy.
Around 3 a.m., drunk as a skunk, I headed for home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and
cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing he'd probably wake up,
I cuckooed another 9 times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution
(even when smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him
12:00. He didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one!
Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."
When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three
times, then said, 'oh **** ," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat,
cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped
over the cat and farted.

 

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True Peach



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  posted on 6/14/2003 at 05:36 PM
There was a native American man who had spent all of his life alone in the wilderness. One day he felt the urge of nature, and decided that he wanted to be with a woman. So he went in to town and contracted with a prostitute.

The encounter didn't go well at all. He clumsily pawed at the woman, and was unintentionally rough with her. In short, he was not even able to carry out the act of intercourse.

The prostitute felt sorry for him, though. She led him to a tree with a hole in it and told him to practice on it until he had a better understanding. She told him that when he was ready, that he could return to her.

A few weeks went by and the native American man returned. The prostitute proceeded to remove her clothing and lie on the bed. When she looked up, the native American was approaching her with a stick pointed towards her. "What are you doing?", she shrieked. "Me checkum for bees", was his reply.

[Edited on 6/14/2003 by Rusty]

 

____________________
Music is love, and love is music, if you know what I mean.
People who believe in music are the happiest people I've ever seen.

Bill Ector, Randy Stephens, Dan Hills and a guy named BobO who I never met - Forever in my heart!

 

Zen Peach



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  posted on 6/15/2003 at 05:37 PM
Who is colored?

This was written by a black guy in Texas.......so funny.....what a great sense of humor!

When I born, I black.
When I grow up, I black.
When I go in sun, I black.
When I cold, I black.
When I scared, I black.
When I sick, I black.
And when I die, I still black.

You white folks......

When you born, you pink.
When you grow up, you white.
When you go in sun, you red.
When you cold, you blue.
When you scared, you yellow.
When you sick, you green.
When you bruised, you purple.
And when you die, you gray.

So who you callin' colored ??

 

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Zen Peach



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  posted on 6/16/2003 at 08:49 AM
500 men die at the same time and show up at the Pearly Gates - St. Peter isn't sure how to handle the crush so he says, "All you men who were hen-pecked by your wives during your lives, stand to my right; those who weren't, to my left."

499 men go to St. Peter's right while 1 mousy-looking guy goes to his left.........St. Peter approaches the little man, saying, "All of these men went into the hen-pecked line but you didn't - Why?"

The little man thought for a moment and said, "My wife told me to."

 

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Zen Peach



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  posted on 6/16/2003 at 08:52 AM
Speaking of our wives (were we?), this is the text of the card my wife gave me for Father's Day - "Happy Father's Day to the one who wears the pants in the family ............................from the one who told him what pair of pants to wear in the first place."

 

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"Without going out of my door, I can know all things on Earth. Without looking out of my window, I can know all things in Heaven. The farther one travels, the less one really knows."

 

Zen Peach



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  posted on 6/16/2003 at 03:29 PM
THE TEN COMMANDMENTS IN CAJUN
>
>01]GOD IS NUMBER ONE...AND DAS' ALL
>02]DON'T PRAY TO NUTTIN' OR NOBODY..JIS' GOD
>03]DON'T CUSS NOBODY...'SPECIALLY DA GOOD LORD
>04]WHEN IT BE SUNDAY...PASS YO'SELF BY GOD'S HOUSE
>05]YO MAMA AN' YO DADDY DUN DID IT ALL..LISSEN TO DEM
>06]KILLIN' DUCK AN' FISH, DAS OK...PEPLE - NO!
>07]GOD DONE GIVE YOU A WIFE...SLEEP WIT JUS' HER
>08]DON'T TAKE NOBODY'S BOAT...OR NUTTIN' ELSE
>09]DON'T GO WANTIN'SOMEBODY'S STUFF
>10]STOP LYIN'...YO TONGUE GONNA FALL OUT YO MOUF!
>

 

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  posted on 6/16/2003 at 08:55 PM
OK the kids need to leave the room............ What does a circus high wire walker and a man getting a blow-job by a 65yr old woman have in common? ..........Neither one wants to look down.

[Edited on 6/17/2003 by jamminpappy]

 

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Zen Peach



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  posted on 6/17/2003 at 05:21 AM
Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back
together, they discussed the gifts that they were able to give to their
elderly mother. The first said, "I built a big house for our mother.

The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."

The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You know how Mom
enjoys
the Bible, and you know she can't see very well. I sent her a brown
parrot
that can recite the entire Bible. It took 20 monks in a monastery 12
years
to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for 10 years,
but it was worth it. Mom just has to name the chapter and verse and the
parrot will recite it."

Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks. She wrote the first
son, "Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room,
but I
have to clean the whole house."

She wrote the second son, "Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home
all
the time, so I never use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"

She wrote the third son, "Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have
the
good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious"


 

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Zen Peach



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  posted on 6/17/2003 at 07:20 AM
After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve.
So, how is everything going?" inquired God. It is all so beautiful, God,"
she replied. "The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking; the smells, the
sights--everything is wonderful. But I have just this one problem. It is
these three breasts that You have given me. The middle one pushes the other
two out, and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on
branches, snagging them on bushes.
They are a real pain," reported Eve.

Eve went on to tell God that many other parts of her body such
as her limbs, eyes, and ears) came in pairs, and she felt that having
only two breasts might leave her body more "symmetrically balanced",
as she put it.

That is a fair point," replied God, "but it was my first shot at
this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you
needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix
It up right away."

God reached down, removed the middle breast, and tossed it into
the bushes. Three weeks passed, and God once again visited Eve in the
garden..

Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation now?"
Just fantastic," she replied, but for one oversight on your part.
You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the
cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. "I feel so alone."

God thought for a moment and said, "You know, Eve, you are
right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will
immediately create a man from a part of you...."Now let's see, where
did I put that useless boob?".
> > >
> > >
> > > NOW DOESNT THAT MAKE MORE SENSE THAN THAT RIB THING?

 

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Zen Peach



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  posted on 6/17/2003 at 03:31 PM
Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other, outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"

The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."

The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze."

The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"

The first kid says, "A circumcision."

And the second kid says, "Whoa, good luck buddy! I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year!"

 

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  posted on 6/18/2003 at 05:22 AM
A Chinese couple gets married - and she's a virgin. He is none too
experienced either. On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the
bed
sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs in next to her and tries to
be
reassuring.

"My darring" he says, "I know dis yo firs time and you berry frighten.
I
promise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting you say. Whatchu
want?" he says, trying to sound experienced, which he hopes will
impress his
virgin bride.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for
her
request.

She eventually replies shyly and unsure, "I want ......numba 69".

More thoughtful silence this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled
tone he
queries...

You want... Beef wif Broccori!????"

 

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  posted on 6/18/2003 at 03:49 PM
Way down in dat old swamp known as Louisiana, Bubba's
old lady had been pregnant for some time, and now the time had come.

So, he brought her to the doctor, and the doctor began to deliver the
baby. She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Bubba and
said, "Hey, Bubba! You just had you a son! Aint dat grand!!"

Bubba got excited by this, but just then the doctor spoke up and said,
"Hold on! We ain't finished yet!" The doctor then delivered a little
girl.

He said, "Hey, Bubba! You got you a daughter!!!! She a pretty lil
ting, too...."

Bubba got kind of puzzled by this, and then the doctor said, "Hold on,
we still ain't got done yet!" The doctor then delivered another boy and
said, "Bubba, you just had yourself another boy!"

When Bubba and his wife went home with their three children, he sat
down
with his wife and said, "Mama, you remember dat night what we ran out
of Vaseline and we had to use dat dere 3-in-1 Oil?"

She said, "Yeah, I do."

Bubba said, "Man, it's a good ting we didn't use no WD-40.

 

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  posted on 6/18/2003 at 05:27 PM

Vanilla Pudding


This is just too funny not to share. Excerpted from an article which
appeared in the Dublin Times about a bank robbery on March 2.
Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling
the security system got underway immediately. The robbers,who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash & valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes throughout the bank.
The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside they found only a small bowl of vanilla pudding. As recorded on the bank's audio tape system, one robber
said,"At least we'll have a bit to eat." The robbers opened up a second
safe, and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding. The process
continued
until all safes were opened. They did not find one pound sterling, a diamond, or
an ounce of gold. Instead, all the safes contained covered bowls of
pudding. Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving
with nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach.


> >The newspaper headline read:








> >
> >
> >
> >
> > IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING...

>


 

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Zen Peach



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  posted on 6/19/2003 at 07:36 AM
Hey Yurtle, i posted that on the first page....

Its is funny/sick enough for a second go-round i suppose

 

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RIP Hugh Duty
RIP John Ott

 

True Peach



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  posted on 6/19/2003 at 08:41 AM
A lady walks into an ice cream shop. She goes up to the counter where a young man was waiting to take her order.
"Good afternoon, ma'am, what'll it be?", asks the young man.
"I'll have a cone with one scoop of vanilla and one scoop of chocolate", says the lady.
"I'm sorry", says the man, "but we're out of chocolate today".
"Well, then", says the lady, "I'll have a scoop of strawberry and a scoop of chocolate".
The man reiterates, "I'm sorry, ma'am, but we're all out of chocolate today".
The lady looks up at the menu board and says, "well okay, I'll have a scoop of pistachio and a scoop of chocolate".
At this point, the man loses it. Pointing up to the flavors menu board he asks, "lady, do you see the VAN in vanilla?"
The lady says "yes".
The man continues, "do you see the STRAW in strawberry?"
The lady says "yes".
Then the man demands, "do you see the FREAK* in chocolate?"
The lady says, "there's no FREAK in chocolate!".
The man says, "lady, that's what I'm tryin' to tell you!".


* substitute another "F" word for freakin', if you want.

 

____________________
Music is love, and love is music, if you know what I mean.
People who believe in music are the happiest people I've ever seen.

Bill Ector, Randy Stephens, Dan Hills and a guy named BobO who I never met - Forever in my heart!

 

A Peach Supreme



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  posted on 6/19/2003 at 09:13 AM
A Rabbi finishes up a long night of prayer with his sermon, and is soonafter approached by a member of the congregation.
"'Scuse me, Rabbi", says the man. "I must say... that was the best goddam sermon Ive ever heard. It was fantastic! Thanks so much."
A bit taken aback by the raw compliment, the Rabbi responded, "Thank you for the kind words, but given that we're in God's house, I'd appreciate it if you would tone down the language a bit."
"Sure, no problem, Rabbi.." says the man, "..but the Sermon - f**king amazing! In fact I liked it so much, I put $5000 in the contribution box!"
The Rabbi responds, "No sh*t?"




[Edited on 6/19/2003 by Rubba]

 

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  posted on 6/19/2003 at 11:38 AM
Attorney General Ashcroft is visiting an elementary school. After the
typical civics presentation to the class, he announces, "Alright, boys
and girls, you can all ask me questions now."

A young boy named Bobby raises his hand and says, "I have three questions:

1. How did Bush win the election with fewer votes than Gore?

2. Why are you using the USA Patriot Act to limit Americans' civil liberties?

3. Why hasn't the U.S. caught Osama Bin Laden yet?"

Just then the bell sounds and all the kids run out to the playground.

Fifteen minutes later, the kids come back in class and again. Ashcroft says, "I'm sorry we were interrupted by the bell. Now, you can all ask
me questions."

A young girl named Charlene raises her hand and says, "I have five questions:

1. How did Bush win the election with fewer votes than Gore?

2. Why are you using the USA Patriot Act to limit Americans' civil liberties?

3. Why hasn't the U.S. caught Osama Bin Laden yet?"

4. Why did the bell go off 20 minutes early?

5. Where's Bobby?"

 

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  posted on 6/19/2003 at 03:38 PM
Here's one from my 5 year old:
Why is six afraid of seven.........
>
>
>
>
>
>
>

>Because seven, eight nine!!

JS

 

Zen Peach



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  posted on 6/19/2003 at 03:48 PM
Good one JS!

My 9 year old daughter tells me that one at least once a week!

 

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  posted on 6/19/2003 at 04:02 PM
Kids...........ya gotta love'em
JS

 

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  posted on 6/19/2003 at 11:01 PM
a guy is checking into a hotel, when he accidentally elbows a woman in the boob. he says to her
"madame, if you're heart is as soft as you're breast, you will forgive me."
she replies
"if you're d*ck is as hard as you're elbow, i'm in room 324."

[Edited on 20/6/2003 by freekonoodler23]

 

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- Roger Daltrey

 

Peach Pro



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  posted on 6/19/2003 at 11:03 PM
quote:
A man who has been slipping in and out of a coma regains consciousness. He whispers to his wife, "youve been here through it all. When my business failed and we lost the house, you didn't leave. When my health went, you stayed by my side.. You know what?"

"What dear?" she asks gently..

"Get the hel away from me. I think your cursed."

thats a good one.

 

____________________
"A lot of it I don't know, a lot of it I've forgotten, but most of it just reminds me that the Who are the best f*****g rock and roll band in the world."
- Roger Daltrey

 

True Peach



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  posted on 6/20/2003 at 03:57 PM
There's an ocean liner in trouble at sea, it is sinking fast.

Among the passengers are former presidents Ronald Reagan, Jimmy Carter, Richard Nixon and Bill Clinton.

"Man the lifeboats!", shouts Reagan.
"Women and children first" yells Carter.
"Screw the Women and children" screams Nixon.
"Do we have time for that?" asks Clinton.

 

____________________
Music is love, and love is music, if you know what I mean.
People who believe in music are the happiest people I've ever seen.

Bill Ector, Randy Stephens, Dan Hills and a guy named BobO who I never met - Forever in my heart!

 

True Peach



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  posted on 6/20/2003 at 05:15 PM
TODAY'S STOCK MARKET REPORT

Helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary. Fluorescent
tubing was dimmed in light trading. Knives were up sharply. Cows steered
into a bull market. Pencils lost a few points. Hiking equipment was
trailing. Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
Weights were up in heavy trading. Light switches were off. Mining
equipment hit rock bottom. Diapers remained unchanged. Shipping lines
stayed at an even keel. The market for raisins dried up. Coca Cola
fizzled. Caterpillar stock inched up a bit. Sun peaked at midday.
Balloon prices were inflated. Scott Tissue touched a new bottom. And
batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.

 

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UGLY is BAD and BAD is WRONG and WRONG is SINFUL and SIN leads to ETERNAL DAMNATION. _ F.Z.

 
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