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Author: Subject: Jokes

Extreme Peach



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  posted on 6/8/2003 at 08:56 PM
a woman goes to a tatoo parlor in a bad part of town, not having any tatoos she decides to put the tatoos where they aren't visable. She tells the artist to put Brad Pitt on the inside of one thigh and Ben Afflack on the other. When he was finished she looked down to inspect the job but couldn't really judge it upside down so the tatoo artist goes outside and comes back with a wino. Spreading her legs she asks for his opinion? After studying the faces for a moment he replies that he has no idea who those two guys on her thighs are,but the guy in middle is definatly Willie Nelson!

 

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Extreme Peach



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  posted on 6/8/2003 at 08:59 PM
a woman goes to a tatoo parlor in a bad part of town, not having any tatoos she decides to put the tatoos where they aren't visable. She tells the artist to put Brad Pitt on the inside of one thigh and Ben Afflack on the other. When he was finished she looked down to inspect the job but couldn't really judge it upside down so the tatoo artist goes outside and comes back with a wino. Spreading her legs she asks for his opinion? After studying the faces for a moment he replies that he has no idea who those two guys on her thighs are,but the guy in middle is definatly Willie Nelson!

 

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Extreme Peach



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  posted on 6/8/2003 at 09:07 PM
jamminpappy. your lucky that was funny both times lol

 

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Ultimate Peach



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  posted on 6/8/2003 at 09:33 PM
why did the country singer have herpes on his eye browes?


he was looking for love in all the wrong places

 

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Ultimate Peach



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  posted on 6/8/2003 at 09:37 PM
what's green, slimey and smells like bacon?


Kermit's finger.


 

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Ultimate Peach



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  posted on 6/8/2003 at 09:41 PM
What's better than winning a Gold medal at the special olympics?

Not being a retard!

 

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Zen Peach



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  posted on 6/9/2003 at 08:24 PM
A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. She left a
note
for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk.
When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He
thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons. So...he knocked on the door to
clarify the point.

When the blonde came to the door, the milkman said, "I found your note
to
leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 1.5 gallons instead?"

She said, "I want 15 gallons. I am going to fill my bathtub up with
milk
and take a milk bath."

The milkman said, "Do you want it Pasteurized?"

The blonde said, "No, just up to my boobs, I can splash it in my eyes


 

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Zen Peach



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  posted on 6/9/2003 at 08:32 PM
Two women are new arrivals at the Pearly Gates, and are comparing
stories on how they had died.


First woman-- "I froze to death."

Second woman -- "You froze to death - how horrible!"

First woman-- "Well, it wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking
from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a
peaceful death. What about you?"

Second woman-- "I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected
that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in
the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den, watching
TV."

First woman -- "So what happened?"

Second woman- - "I was so sure there was another woman there
somewhere, that I started running all over the house looking. ran up
into the attic and searched and down to the basement. Then I went
through every closet and checked under the bed checked every place I
thought she could be. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere,
and finally became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart
attack and died."

First woman-- "Too bad you didn't look in the freezer -- we'd
both still be alive


____________________
PEACE- J.R. Griffin

 

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Zen Peach



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  posted on 6/9/2003 at 08:33 PM
A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the
sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"

As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabby or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabby over there?"

She, in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on
her knees,leans forward and says in a quiet voice, "I don't
fink my pet python weally gives a thit."



 

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Peach Master



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  posted on 6/9/2003 at 10:41 PM
An elderly gentleman is driving on the busy interstate when his cell phone rings. He answers the phone, and it's his wife calling...

"Honey - I was watching the news, and they said there's a car driving the wrong way on the interstate! You'd better be careful!" she says.

"A car?! There must be hundreds!"

 
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Peach Head



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  posted on 6/10/2003 at 04:42 AM
First no joke : using a hand held cell phone in a car get's charged with 40 Euro in my country!
2nd : a joke : Blondie gets her first cell phone. It rings as she's just grocery shopping. She answers and people in the store hear her saying :"Hi Mom ! How in the world did you know I'm at Aldi's ? "
yeah... and then Blondie's boyfriend had to get a new CD drive for his computer after she put in a slice of summer sausage.

[Edited on 6/10/2003 by Gringo]

 

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True Peach



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  posted on 6/10/2003 at 09:09 AM
There was a man who had a pet parrot. Over the years, the bird learned many obscene words. The parrot would usually let go a string of these words, -the worst words you know, at the most inopportune of times. Whenever the man had guests over for dinner, for instance, the bird would let go a string of profanities. This caused the man quite a bit of embarrassment.
One evening, after another outburst that would embarrass a sailor, the man told the bird, “the next time that you say words like that, I’m going to lock you in the deep-freeze for three hours!” Before long, and despite the warning, the bird did let go with another profanity-laden outburst. Keeping to his word, the man immediately snatched the bird from its cage and thrust it into the freezer.
After a couple of hours, the man opened the freezer and returned the bird to its cage. “There, I hope that you’ve learned your lesson!”, said the man to the bird. “Oh, yes” replied the parrot. “I promise that I will never use those words again”. “But tell me one thing”, added the bird. “What did that chicken do?”

 

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Music is love, and love is music, if you know what I mean.
People who believe in music are the happiest people I've ever seen.

Bill Ector, Randy Stephens, Dan Hills and a guy named BobO who I never met - Forever in my heart!

 

Extreme Peach



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  posted on 6/10/2003 at 09:12 AM
so this irishman walked out of a bar...

 

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Zen Peach



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  posted on 6/10/2003 at 09:28 AM
quote:
What's better than winning a Gold medal at the special olympics?

Not being a retard!

This is not funny at all.

 

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Good lucks never really been a strong suit of mine, can't get a nickel for a dime...

 
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True Peach



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  posted on 6/10/2003 at 06:05 PM
You Live in California when...
1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The high school quarterback calls a time-out to answer his cell phone.
3. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
4. You know how to eat an artichoke.
5. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
6. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.

You Live in New York City when...
1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building.
3. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
4. You think Central Park is "nature,"
5. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
6. You've worn out a car horn.
7. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

You Live in Maine when...
1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.

You Live in the Deep South when...
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2."ya'll" is singular and "all ya'll" is plural.
3. After five years you still hear, "You ain't from 'round here, are Ya?"
4. "He needed killin' " is a valid defense.
5. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, etc.

You live in Colorado when.
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

You live in the Midwest when...
1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"

You live in Florida when..
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people.

 

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True Peach



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  posted on 6/10/2003 at 06:12 PM
In The Beginning...

> God populated the earth with broccoli and

cauliflower and spinach,
green

> and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man

and Woman would
live

> long and healthy lives.
> Then, using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and

Jerry's and
Krispy

> Creme. And Satan said, You want chocolate with that?

And Man said Oh

> Yeah. And Woman said, and another one with

sprinkles. And they
gained

> 10 pounds.
> And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman

might keep the figure

> that Man found so fair.
> And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat,

and sugar from
the

> cane, and combined them. And Woman went from size 2

to size10.

> So God said, Try my fresh green salad.
> And Satan presented Thousand-Island and Creamy Ranch

Dressing and
garlic

> toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened

their belts following

> the repast.
> God then said, I have sent you heart-healthy

vegetables and olive oil
in

> which to cook them.
> And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and

chicken-fried steak so
big

> it needed its own platter. And Man gained more

weight and his

> cholesterol went through the roof.
> God then brought running shoes so that his children

might lose those

> extra pounds.
> And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man

would not have
to

> toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman

laughed and cried
before

> the flickering light and gained more pounds.
> Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in

fat and brimming

> with nutrition.
> And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced

the starchy center

> into chips and deep-fried them. And man gained

pounds. God then gave lean beef so the Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite.
And Satan created McDonald's and it's 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then said, You want fries with that? And Man replied, Oh Yeah! And super-size em. And Satan said, It is good. And Man went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.



And Satan created HMO's.

 

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UGLY is BAD and BAD is WRONG and WRONG is SINFUL and SIN leads to ETERNAL DAMNATION. _ F.Z.

 
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Ultimate Peach



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  posted on 6/10/2003 at 11:28 PM
quote:
.... I actually am strongly against jokes against homosexuals, different races, religion, and other disrespectful ones. It was a harmless joke and i'm sorry if it offended you...

quote:
quote:
What's better than winning a Gold medal at the special olympics?

Not being a retard!

This is not funny at all.


What else is there to make fun of?

Jeez, folks, a little sensitive aren't we?

I laugh at everything... especially me.

My motto is: "There's nothing sacred."

My mom's got cancer. As a family, we deal with it by humor. After surgery, she was in recovery at the hospital with a drip. I would ask her if that was a Grey Goose and Tonic drip. We would laugh. We joke about death. It's life, get over it.

My biggest pet peeve(sp) in life is people who are easily offended.

It seems like there's a lotta people like that coming around here lately.

---
What's my famous line???

In The Immortal Words of Sgt Hulka-
Lighten up....Francis!!!

 

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Put that coffee down. Coffee is for closers. I don't see any closers here.

 

Zen Peach



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  posted on 6/11/2003 at 05:22 AM
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around
looking for valuables, and when he picked up a VCR to place in his sack, a
strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying.......................


"Jesus is watching you."



He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out and froze. When
he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a long
vacation after his next big score, then clicked the light back on and began
searching for more valuables.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as
a bell he heard....................

"Jesus is watching you."




Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source
of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his
flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot..................



"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.








"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."


The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who the heck are you?"




"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a parrot
Moses?"





The bird promptly answered, "Probably the same kind of people that would
name a 140 pound Rottweiler Jesus."









 

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True Peach



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  posted on 6/11/2003 at 07:10 AM
This good-ol' boy walks into a country drug store.
He's got a hot date waitin' in the pick-em-up truck, so he's lookin' for condoms.

He sees all of the packages, but they all cost a little more than the few dollars he has in his wallet. The pharmacist hears his lament then offers this recomendation. "We have this novelty pack of condoms in various colors. "They're not really recomended for birth control, but they are cheap". So the good-ol' boy buys the package of colored rubbers and heads out the door.

A few months later, the same good-ol' boy walks back into the same country drug store. The same pharmacist walks up and asks if he can help. "I need to buy a maternity bra", said the good-ol' boy. "What bust" asked the pharmacist. "The blue one" answered the good-ol' boy.

 

____________________
Music is love, and love is music, if you know what I mean.
People who believe in music are the happiest people I've ever seen.

Bill Ector, Randy Stephens, Dan Hills and a guy named BobO who I never met - Forever in my heart!

 

Zen Peach



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  posted on 6/11/2003 at 08:29 PM
retired gentleman went to the social security office to apply for
Social
Security. The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's
license to
verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his
wallet
at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have
left
his wallet at home. "I will have to go home and come back later." The
woman
says, "Unbutton your shirt." So he opens his shirt revealing lots of
curly
silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough
for
me" and she processed his Social Security application.

When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his
experience
at
the social security office. She says, "You should have dropped your
pants."

"You might have gotten disability too."

 

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Zen Peach



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  posted on 6/12/2003 at 07:24 AM
A blonde came running up to her husband in the driveway as he came home
from work just jumping for joy. He didn't know why she was jumping for
> > joy
> > > >but thought, what the heck, and started jumping up and down with her.
> > When
> > > >she said, "Honey, I have some really great news for you!"
> > > >
> > > > He said, "Great, tell me what you're so happy about!" She stopped
> > > >jumping and was breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down,
> when
> > > >She told him that she was pregnant! He was ecstatic! They had been
> > trying
> > > >for a while. He kissed her and told her, "That's great! I couldn't be
> > > >happier!" Then, she said, "Oh, honey, there's more!" He asked, "What
> do
> > > >you mean, 'more'?" She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby,
we
> > are
> > > >going to have TWINS!"
> > > >
> > > >Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, he asked
> her
> > > >how she knew.
> > > >
> > > >She said, "Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and
bought
> > the
> > > >twin pack home pregnancy test kit and BOTH tests came out positive!
> > > >

 

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RIP Cindy Fischer
RIP Hugh Duty
RIP John Ott

 

Zen Peach



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  posted on 6/12/2003 at 06:39 PM
Subject: Communication in Marriage




While attending a marriage seminar on communication, David and his wife
listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and
wives know the things that are important to each other."

He addressed the man, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?"

David leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered,
"Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn't it?"



 

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True Peach



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  posted on 6/12/2003 at 07:12 PM
A couple was having difficulty in their marriage. It seems that they had trouble communicating to one another the desire to make love. In short, they had lost their sense of spontanaiety.

They went to see a counselor, who told them that they should establish some sort of mutually understood signal that would indicate whenever one of them was interested in sex.

So the man said to his wife, "whenever you want to have sex, reach over and stroke my penis one time". The wife agrees that that was a fine idea, but asked "what if I don't want to have sex?". Her huband replied, "then reach over and stroke my penis 175 times".

 

____________________
Music is love, and love is music, if you know what I mean.
People who believe in music are the happiest people I've ever seen.

Bill Ector, Randy Stephens, Dan Hills and a guy named BobO who I never met - Forever in my heart!

 

Zen Peach



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  posted on 6/12/2003 at 08:55 PM
True story, by me, but still funny

Had a lady for a political party call me yesterday, she wanted me to contribute 75 dollars, but I played dumb, which wasn't hard. I said you gonna send me 75 dollars, and she said no it doesn't have to be 75 dollars(right off the card, with out hearing what I said) It can be 50 or 25. and I said naw 75 dollars will do. You gonna send me a check, she said no, why would I send you a check. My response to that was , of course, then why should I send you a check (she hung up)


 

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Zen Peach



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  posted on 6/13/2003 at 02:33 PM
A college professor was doing a study testing the
senses of first-graders using a bowl of Lifesavers.
He gave all of the children the same kind of lifesaver
one at a time and asked them to identify them by color
and flavor.

The children began to say:

"Red..................cherry".

"Yellow...............lemon".

"Green................lime".

"Orange...............orange".

Finally, the professor gave them all honey Lifesavers.

After eating them for a few moments, none of the
children could identify the taste. "Well" he said,
"I'll give you all a clue. It's what your mother may
sometimes call your father."

One little girl looked up in horror, spit hers out and
yelled, "Everybody, spit 'em out - they're
assholes!!!"


 

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