Thread: Jokes

yurtle - 6/4/2003 at 08:16 PM

Everybody gets a good one once in a while, share them here. Try to keep it PG-13.


yurtle - 6/4/2003 at 08:13 PM

A husband takes his wife to play her first game of

golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot

right through the window of the biggest house adjacent

to the course.

The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now

we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize

and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."



So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the

door. A warm voice said, "Come on in."



When they opened the door they saw the damage that was

done: glass was all over the place, and a broken

antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken

window.



A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people

that broke my window?"



"Uh...yes. We're sure sorry about that," the

husband replied.



"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank

you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that

bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released

me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each

one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one

for myself."



"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a

second and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a

year for the rest of my life." "No problem," said the

genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll

guarantee you a long, healthy life!"



"And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie

asked.



"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants

in every country in the world," she said.



"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will

always be safe from fire, burglary and natural

disasters!"



"And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your

wish, genie?"



"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't

been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my

wish is to sleep with your wife."



The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey,

you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses.

What do you think?"



She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know,

you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I

wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"



"You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband.

"I'd do the same for you!"



So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they

spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The

genie was insatiable. After about three hours of nonstop

fun, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her

eyes and asked, How old are you and your husband?"

"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.


"Really?! Thirty-five years old and both of you still

believe in genies?"


WasntBorn2Follow - 6/4/2003 at 08:49 PM

A man who has been slipping in and out of a coma regains consciousness. He whispers to his wife, "youve been here through it all. When my business failed and we lost the house, you didn't leave. When my health went, you stayed by my side.. You know what?"

"What dear?" she asks gently..

"Get the hel away from me. I think your cursed."


DerekFromCincinnati - 6/4/2003 at 09:14 PM

"I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."-Emo

"The toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to kill a loved one just because they're the devil. -- Emo Phillips

"I ran three miles today, finally I said "lady take your purse."-Emo

"You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers...damn anthropologists."--Emo

"I was walking home one night and a guy hammering on a roof called me a paranoid little weirdo...in morse code."--Emo

"I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants."-- A. Whitney Brown

"My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant."- Steve Wright

"I hope that after I die, people will say of me: 'That guy sure owed me a lot of money.'" - Jack Handey


WasntBorn2Follow - 6/5/2003 at 01:41 AM

lol i have a list of every jack handy quote made.. pm for the list if anyone wants it..


WasntBorn2Follow - 6/6/2003 at 03:06 AM

How many kids with A.D.D. does it take to change a lightbulb???
.


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..


..


..

..

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Do you wanna biking?! :


CliffnTina - 6/6/2003 at 03:49 AM

A guy sees a sign in front of a house in Luton:
"Talking Dog for Sale."
He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is
in the backyard. The
guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just
sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Sure do." the dog replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The dog looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift
of talking pretty
young and I wanted to help the government, so I told
the MI5 about my gift,
and in no time they had me jetting from country to
country, sitting in
rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one
figured a dog would be
eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies
eight years running."
"The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I
wasn't getting any
younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up
for a job at the
airport to do some undercover security work, mostly
wandering near
suspicious characters and listening in."
"I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was
awarded a batch of
medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm
just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner
what he wants for the
dog.
The owner says, "Ten quid."
The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are
you selling him so
cheap?"
"Cause he's a f&%*ing liar. He's never done any of
that stuff"


LinnieXX - 6/6/2003 at 03:50 AM

Cliffy telling jokes that good can only hamper your political career.

rotf, lmao


WasntBorn2Follow - 6/6/2003 at 03:57 AM

you have my joke which is like 2 sentences and above is like this huge novel joke lol.. but good stuff!!


PhotoRon286 - 6/6/2003 at 04:18 AM

quote:
How many kids with A.D.D. does it take to change a lightbulb???
.


.


.


..


..


..

..

.

Do you wanna biking?! :


As a father of two sons with ADHD, I'm not too amused.


PhotoRon286 - 6/6/2003 at 04:22 AM

Substitute Down's Syndrome for ADD and see how funny that is.


WasntBorn2Follow - 6/6/2003 at 04:53 AM

ron,
I'm sorry you didn't find that too funny. I meant no harm. I know what it's like, I have attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, bipolar 2 disorder (hypo-manic), and I have generalized anxiety disorder. I take plenty of mind numbing meds.. but yet, I still have a sense of humor, A friend told me about this joke, but I wasn't going to get all offensive, I laughed a bit because it's somewhat amusing; yes I have it, but I try not to take it too seriously. I actually am strongly against jokes against homosexuals, different races, religion, and other disrespectful ones. It was a harmless joke and i'm sorry if it offended you.. Take care and once again sorry..

-Jeremy

[Edited on 6/6/2003 by WasntBorn2Follow]


PhotoRon286 - 6/6/2003 at 11:59 AM

Apology accepted.


WharfRat - 6/6/2003 at 12:17 PM

Here's a joke for ya... the New York Mets!!


WharfRat - 6/6/2003 at 12:19 PM


A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where
she selected a quart of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a
quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2
lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to
check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she
placed the items in front of the cashier.

He said, "You must be single."

The woman, a bit startled but intrigued by the
derelict's intuition, looked at her six items on the
belt. Seeing nothing particularly unusual about her
selections she said, "Well, you know what, you're
absolutely correct. But how on earth did you kno w
that?"

The drunk replied, "'Cause you're ugly."


PhotoRon286 - 6/6/2003 at 12:20 PM

Or baseball.


WharfRat - 6/6/2003 at 12:25 PM


>Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling the security system got underway immediately. The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash & valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes throughout the bank. The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and
inside they found only a small bowl of vanilla pudding. As recorded on the bank's audio tape system, one robber said, "At least we'll have a bit to eat."
>
The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding. The process continued until all safes were opened. They did not find one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold. Instead,all the safes contained covered bowls of pudding. Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach.
>
>The newspaper headline read:
>
>IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING...


Rusty - 6/6/2003 at 12:43 PM

That's prety sick, so I don't mind relating this.

Years back, in one of those Playboy magazine "Most Party-ingest Schools" (whatever) articles, they told the story of a biology professor who told his class that "human sperm is made up, mostly of glucose (sugar)". A young co-ed raised her hand. When the professor asked her what her question was she asked, "then why does it taste so salty?".


yurtle - 6/6/2003 at 01:43 PM







Subject: HOW TO STAY YOUNG

This one is a kick!





HOW TO STAY YOUNG
(George Carlin)

1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height.
Let the doctor worry about them. That is why you pay him/her.

2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.

3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever.
Never let the brain idle. " An idle mind is the devil's workshop."
And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.

4. Enjoy the simple things.

5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on.
The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves.
Be ALIVE while you are alive.

7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.

8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it.
If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9. Don't take guilt trips.
Take a trip to the mall, to the next county, to a foreign country,
but NOT to where the guilt is.

10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take,
but by the moments that take our breath away.
If you don't send this to at least 8 people.... who cares?






KAZIUP - 6/6/2003 at 03:12 PM

Baby giraffe sits up in the bar stool and the bartender asks "what can I get ya"?...
baby giraffe says....I need a looooong neck!!


kindofblue - 6/6/2003 at 03:13 PM

I usually don't like "blonde" jokes" but this one is pretty funny.


One day a blonde named Sally was putting together a puzzle. She was really stumped and frustrated, so she decided to ask her husband for help.

"It's supposed to be a tiger!" Sally cried.

"Honey", said Dan, "Put the Frosted Flakes back in the box!"


yurtle - 6/6/2003 at 04:12 PM

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE, THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE
LEARNED:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.

2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.

3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.

4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.

5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.

6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.

7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.

8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.

9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.

10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.

2) Wrinkles don't hurt.

3) Families are like fudge . . .mostly sweet, with a few nuts.

4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.

5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.

6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD:

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.

2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.

3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down
there.

4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that
you once got from a roller coaster.

5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you
the questions.

6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.

7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1) You believe in Santa Claus.

2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.

3) You are Santa Claus.

4) You look like Santa Claus.

SUCCESS:

At age 4 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.

At age 12 success is . . . having friends.

At age 16 success is . . . having a drivers license.

At age 20 success is . . . having sex.

At age 35 success is . . . having money.

At age 50 success is . . . having money.

At age 60 success is . . . having sex.

At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.

At age 75 success is . . . having friends.

At age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.








aiq - 6/6/2003 at 04:31 PM

Q: what do you say to a guitarist in a three piece suit?

A: "will the defendant please rise?"


Rubba - 6/6/2003 at 05:27 PM

An attractive NYC woman was down or her luck. Her boyfriend dumped her, she was laid off from her job, and her landlord had started eviction proceedings. She walked up to the span of the Brooklyn Bridge and prepared to leap off when a young man spied her.
"Whoa lady", he said. "Theres no need to do that."
" I have to", she replied, "My life is miserable."
The man spoke softly. "Listen. Im a sailor on a ship, and we due to depart tomorrow for our trip back to Europe. Im willing to stow you away, feed you, and provide safe passage if you would have sex with me".
The woman thought to herself, "maybe this is what I need - a fresh start in a foreign land. Europe's supposed to be beautiful, and besides, whats a little sex when I was about to take my own life?" She decided to take him up on his offer.

That night, he took her aboard and stowed her away in a lifeboat. Every night he would come by, give her two sandwiches, and have sex with her. The woman wasnt too happy with the cramped quarters, but the rocking of the boat lulled her to sleep most of the time.

After ten days, one of the ships mates discovered the woman and brought her to the captain. "What on earth are you doing in the lifeboat, missy?", he asked.
"Well...", she said, "...Im getting a free passage to Europe, and one of your sailors is screwing me."
"He sure is...", said the captain, "This is the Staten Island Ferry!"


yurtle - 6/7/2003 at 09:39 PM

A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The
teacher asked, "Harry, what is your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the
third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the
third-grade too!"

The teacher had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While
Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the
principal

what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would give
the
boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go
back to the first-grade and behave. The teacher agreed. Harry was
brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to
take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9"

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36"

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade
should know. The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think

Harry can go to the third-grade."

The teacher says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?" The
principal and Harry both agree.

Teacher: "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?

Harry: "Legs"

Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" (The
principal wondered, why does she ask such a question!)

Harry: "Pockets"

Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants"

Teacher: "What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval,
delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?" (The principal's eyes open
really wide and before he could stop the answer...)

Harry: "Coconut"

Teacher: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

Harry: "Bubblegum"

Teacher: "What do men do standing up, woman do sitting down and dogs do
on three legs?" (The principal's eyes open really wide and before he
could stop the answer...)

Harry: "Shake hands"

Teacher: "Now I will ask some 'Who am I' sort of questions, okay?"

Harry: "Yup"

Teacher: "You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up.
I get wet before you do."

Harry: "Tent"

Teacher: "A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored.
The
best man always has me first." (Principal was looking restless and bit
tense)

Harry: "Wedding Ring"

Teacher: "I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you
blow
me, you feel good."

Harry: "Nose"

Teacher: "I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a
quiver."

Harry: "Arrow"

Teacher: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot
of excitement?"

Harry: "Fire truck"

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put his
ass in the fifth-grade, I got the last ten questions wrong myself."



jamminpappy - 6/9/2003 at 01:56 AM

a woman goes to a tatoo parlor in a bad part of town, not having any tatoos she decides to put the tatoos where they aren't visable. She tells the artist to put Brad Pitt on the inside of one thigh and Ben Afflack on the other. When he was finished she looked down to inspect the job but couldn't really judge it upside down so the tatoo artist goes outside and comes back with a wino. Spreading her legs she asks for his opinion? After studying the faces for a moment he replies that he has no idea who those two guys on her thighs are,but the guy in middle is definatly Willie Nelson!


jamminpappy - 6/9/2003 at 01:59 AM

a woman goes to a tatoo parlor in a bad part of town, not having any tatoos she decides to put the tatoos where they aren't visable. She tells the artist to put Brad Pitt on the inside of one thigh and Ben Afflack on the other. When he was finished she looked down to inspect the job but couldn't really judge it upside down so the tatoo artist goes outside and comes back with a wino. Spreading her legs she asks for his opinion? After studying the faces for a moment he replies that he has no idea who those two guys on her thighs are,but the guy in middle is definatly Willie Nelson!


WasntBorn2Follow - 6/9/2003 at 02:07 AM

jamminpappy. your lucky that was funny both times lol


chris - 6/9/2003 at 02:33 AM

why did the country singer have herpes on his eye browes?


he was looking for love in all the wrong places


chris - 6/9/2003 at 02:37 AM

what's green, slimey and smells like bacon?


Kermit's finger.



chris - 6/9/2003 at 02:41 AM

What's better than winning a Gold medal at the special olympics?

Not being a retard!


yurtle - 6/10/2003 at 01:24 AM

A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. She left a
note
for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk.
When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He
thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons. So...he knocked on the door to
clarify the point.

When the blonde came to the door, the milkman said, "I found your note
to
leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 1.5 gallons instead?"

She said, "I want 15 gallons. I am going to fill my bathtub up with
milk
and take a milk bath."

The milkman said, "Do you want it Pasteurized?"

The blonde said, "No, just up to my boobs, I can splash it in my eyes



yurtle - 6/10/2003 at 01:32 AM

Two women are new arrivals at the Pearly Gates, and are comparing
stories on how they had died.


First woman-- "I froze to death."

Second woman -- "You froze to death - how horrible!"

First woman-- "Well, it wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking
from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a
peaceful death. What about you?"

Second woman-- "I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected
that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in
the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den, watching
TV."

First woman -- "So what happened?"

Second woman- - "I was so sure there was another woman there
somewhere, that I started running all over the house looking. ran up
into the attic and searched and down to the basement. Then I went
through every closet and checked under the bed checked every place I
thought she could be. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere,
and finally became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart
attack and died."

First woman-- "Too bad you didn't look in the freezer -- we'd
both still be alive


____________________
PEACE- J.R. Griffin


yurtle - 6/10/2003 at 01:33 AM

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the
sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"

As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabby or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabby over there?"

She, in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on
her knees,leans forward and says in a quiet voice, "I don't
fink my pet python weally gives a thit."




Flavum - 6/10/2003 at 03:41 AM

An elderly gentleman is driving on the busy interstate when his cell phone rings. He answers the phone, and it's his wife calling...

"Honey - I was watching the news, and they said there's a car driving the wrong way on the interstate! You'd better be careful!" she says.

"A car?! There must be hundreds!"


Gringo - 6/10/2003 at 09:42 AM

First no joke : using a hand held cell phone in a car get's charged with 40 Euro in my country!
2nd : a joke : Blondie gets her first cell phone. It rings as she's just grocery shopping. She answers and people in the store hear her saying :"Hi Mom ! How in the world did you know I'm at Aldi's ? "
yeah... and then Blondie's boyfriend had to get a new CD drive for his computer after she put in a slice of summer sausage.

[Edited on 6/10/2003 by Gringo]


Rusty - 6/10/2003 at 02:09 PM

There was a man who had a pet parrot. Over the years, the bird learned many obscene words. The parrot would usually let go a string of these words, -the worst words you know, at the most inopportune of times. Whenever the man had guests over for dinner, for instance, the bird would let go a string of profanities. This caused the man quite a bit of embarrassment.
One evening, after another outburst that would embarrass a sailor, the man told the bird, “the next time that you say words like that, I’m going to lock you in the deep-freeze for three hours!” Before long, and despite the warning, the bird did let go with another profanity-laden outburst. Keeping to his word, the man immediately snatched the bird from its cage and thrust it into the freezer.
After a couple of hours, the man opened the freezer and returned the bird to its cage. “There, I hope that you’ve learned your lesson!”, said the man to the bird. “Oh, yes” replied the parrot. “I promise that I will never use those words again”. “But tell me one thing”, added the bird. “What did that chicken do?”


aiq - 6/10/2003 at 02:12 PM

so this irishman walked out of a bar...


Pam - 6/10/2003 at 02:28 PM

quote:
What's better than winning a Gold medal at the special olympics?

Not being a retard!

This is not funny at all.


CliffnTina - 6/10/2003 at 11:05 PM

You Live in California when...
1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The high school quarterback calls a time-out to answer his cell phone.
3. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
4. You know how to eat an artichoke.
5. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
6. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.

You Live in New York City when...
1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building.
3. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
4. You think Central Park is "nature,"
5. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
6. You've worn out a car horn.
7. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

You Live in Maine when...
1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.

You Live in the Deep South when...
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2."ya'll" is singular and "all ya'll" is plural.
3. After five years you still hear, "You ain't from 'round here, are Ya?"
4. "He needed killin' " is a valid defense.
5. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, etc.

You live in Colorado when.
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

You live in the Midwest when...
1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"

You live in Florida when..
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people.


CliffnTina - 6/10/2003 at 11:12 PM

In The Beginning...

> God populated the earth with broccoli and

cauliflower and spinach,
green

> and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man

and Woman would
live

> long and healthy lives.
> Then, using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and

Jerry's and
Krispy

> Creme. And Satan said, You want chocolate with that?

And Man said Oh

> Yeah. And Woman said, and another one with

sprinkles. And they
gained

> 10 pounds.
> And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman

might keep the figure

> that Man found so fair.
> And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat,

and sugar from
the

> cane, and combined them. And Woman went from size 2

to size10.

> So God said, Try my fresh green salad.
> And Satan presented Thousand-Island and Creamy Ranch

Dressing and
garlic

> toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened

their belts following

> the repast.
> God then said, I have sent you heart-healthy

vegetables and olive oil
in

> which to cook them.
> And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and

chicken-fried steak so
big

> it needed its own platter. And Man gained more

weight and his

> cholesterol went through the roof.
> God then brought running shoes so that his children

might lose those

> extra pounds.
> And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man

would not have
to

> toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman

laughed and cried
before

> the flickering light and gained more pounds.
> Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in

fat and brimming

> with nutrition.
> And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced

the starchy center

> into chips and deep-fried them. And man gained

pounds. God then gave lean beef so the Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite.
And Satan created McDonald's and it's 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then said, You want fries with that? And Man replied, Oh Yeah! And super-size em. And Satan said, It is good. And Man went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.



And Satan created HMO's.


chris - 6/11/2003 at 04:28 AM

quote:
.... I actually am strongly against jokes against homosexuals, different races, religion, and other disrespectful ones. It was a harmless joke and i'm sorry if it offended you...

quote:
quote:
What's better than winning a Gold medal at the special olympics?

Not being a retard!

This is not funny at all.


What else is there to make fun of?

Jeez, folks, a little sensitive aren't we?

I laugh at everything... especially me.

My motto is: "There's nothing sacred."

My mom's got cancer. As a family, we deal with it by humor. After surgery, she was in recovery at the hospital with a drip. I would ask her if that was a Grey Goose and Tonic drip. We would laugh. We joke about death. It's life, get over it.

My biggest pet peeve(sp) in life is people who are easily offended.

It seems like there's a lotta people like that coming around here lately.

---
What's my famous line???

In The Immortal Words of Sgt Hulka-
Lighten up....Francis!!!


yurtle - 6/11/2003 at 10:22 AM

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around
looking for valuables, and when he picked up a VCR to place in his sack, a
strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying.......................


"Jesus is watching you."



He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out and froze. When
he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a long
vacation after his next big score, then clicked the light back on and began
searching for more valuables.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as
a bell he heard....................

"Jesus is watching you."




Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source
of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his
flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot..................



"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.








"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."


The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who the heck are you?"




"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a parrot
Moses?"





The bird promptly answered, "Probably the same kind of people that would
name a 140 pound Rottweiler Jesus."










Rusty - 6/11/2003 at 12:10 PM

This good-ol' boy walks into a country drug store.
He's got a hot date waitin' in the pick-em-up truck, so he's lookin' for condoms.

He sees all of the packages, but they all cost a little more than the few dollars he has in his wallet. The pharmacist hears his lament then offers this recomendation. "We have this novelty pack of condoms in various colors. "They're not really recomended for birth control, but they are cheap". So the good-ol' boy buys the package of colored rubbers and heads out the door.

A few months later, the same good-ol' boy walks back into the same country drug store. The same pharmacist walks up and asks if he can help. "I need to buy a maternity bra", said the good-ol' boy. "What bust" asked the pharmacist. "The blue one" answered the good-ol' boy.


yurtle - 6/12/2003 at 01:29 AM

retired gentleman went to the social security office to apply for
Social
Security. The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's
license to
verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his
wallet
at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have
left
his wallet at home. "I will have to go home and come back later." The
woman
says, "Unbutton your shirt." So he opens his shirt revealing lots of
curly
silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough
for
me" and she processed his Social Security application.

When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his
experience
at
the social security office. She says, "You should have dropped your
pants."

"You might have gotten disability too."


WharfRat - 6/12/2003 at 12:24 PM

A blonde came running up to her husband in the driveway as he came home
from work just jumping for joy. He didn't know why she was jumping for
> > joy
> > > >but thought, what the heck, and started jumping up and down with her.
> > When
> > > >she said, "Honey, I have some really great news for you!"
> > > >
> > > > He said, "Great, tell me what you're so happy about!" She stopped
> > > >jumping and was breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down,
> when
> > > >She told him that she was pregnant! He was ecstatic! They had been
> > trying
> > > >for a while. He kissed her and told her, "That's great! I couldn't be
> > > >happier!" Then, she said, "Oh, honey, there's more!" He asked, "What
> do
> > > >you mean, 'more'?" She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby,
we
> > are
> > > >going to have TWINS!"
> > > >
> > > >Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, he asked
> her
> > > >how she knew.
> > > >
> > > >She said, "Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and
bought
> > the
> > > >twin pack home pregnancy test kit and BOTH tests came out positive!
> > > >


yurtle - 6/12/2003 at 11:39 PM

Subject: Communication in Marriage




While attending a marriage seminar on communication, David and his wife
listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and
wives know the things that are important to each other."

He addressed the man, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?"

David leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered,
"Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn't it?"




Rusty - 6/13/2003 at 12:12 AM

A couple was having difficulty in their marriage. It seems that they had trouble communicating to one another the desire to make love. In short, they had lost their sense of spontanaiety.

They went to see a counselor, who told them that they should establish some sort of mutually understood signal that would indicate whenever one of them was interested in sex.

So the man said to his wife, "whenever you want to have sex, reach over and stroke my penis one time". The wife agrees that that was a fine idea, but asked "what if I don't want to have sex?". Her huband replied, "then reach over and stroke my penis 175 times".


yurtle - 6/13/2003 at 01:55 AM

True story, by me, but still funny

Had a lady for a political party call me yesterday, she wanted me to contribute 75 dollars, but I played dumb, which wasn't hard. I said you gonna send me 75 dollars, and she said no it doesn't have to be 75 dollars(right off the card, with out hearing what I said) It can be 50 or 25. and I said naw 75 dollars will do. You gonna send me a check, she said no, why would I send you a check. My response to that was , of course, then why should I send you a check (she hung up)



yurtle - 6/13/2003 at 07:33 PM

A college professor was doing a study testing the
senses of first-graders using a bowl of Lifesavers.
He gave all of the children the same kind of lifesaver
one at a time and asked them to identify them by color
and flavor.

The children began to say:

"Red..................cherry".

"Yellow...............lemon".

"Green................lime".

"Orange...............orange".

Finally, the professor gave them all honey Lifesavers.

After eating them for a few moments, none of the
children could identify the taste. "Well" he said,
"I'll give you all a clue. It's what your mother may
sometimes call your father."

One little girl looked up in horror, spit hers out and
yelled, "Everybody, spit 'em out - they're
assholes!!!"



yurtle - 6/14/2003 at 05:30 PM

> > >Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I
would
> >
> > >not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if
we
were
> >
> > >supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we
cannot
live
> >
> > >forever, which is why I would not live forever," --Miss Alabama in
the
> >1994
> > >Miss USA contest.
> > >``````````````````````````````````
> > >"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids
> > >all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be
skinny
> >like
> > >that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff." --Mariah
Carey
> > >````````````
> > >"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important
part of
> >your
> > >life," --Brooke Shields, during an interview to become
Spokesperson for
> > >federal anti-smoking campaign.
> > >`````````````````````````````````````````````````
> > >"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"
> >--Winston
> > >Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
> > >`````````````````````````````````````````````
> > >"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime
rates
> >in
> > >the country," --Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.
> > >`````````````````````````````
> > >"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers.
We are
> >the
> > >president." --Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of
subpoenaed
> > >documents.
> > >````````````````````````````````````````````! ````````
> > >"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a
jackass,
and
> >
> > >I'm just the one to do it," --A congressional candidate in Texas.
> > >````````````````````````````
> > >"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from
them.
> > >There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the
Indians
> > >were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves." --John Wayne
> > >```````````
> > >"Half this game is ninety percent mental." --Philadelphia Phillies
> >manager,
> > >Danny Ozark
> > >``````````````````````````````````
> > >"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the
impurities
> >in
> > >our air and water that are doing it." --Al Gore, Vice President
> > >```````````````````
> > >"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." --Dan
Quayle
> > >``````````
> > >" It's no exaggeration to say that the undecided could go one way
or
> > >another" --George Bush, US President
> > >``````````````````````
> > >"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we
need?"
> > >--Lee Iacocca
> > >```````````
> > >"I was provided with additional input that was radically different
from
> >the
> > >truth. I assisted in furthering that version." --Colonel Oliver
North,
> >from
> > >his Iran-Contra testimony.
> > >`````````````````````````````````````````
> > >"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy
like
> > >Norman Einstein." --Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback &
sports
> > >analyst.
> > >````````````````````````````````````````````
> > >"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain
types of
> > >people." --Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.
> > >`````````````````````````````````
> > >"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." --Bill Clinton,
> > >President
> > >``````````````````
> > >"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
--Al
> > >Gore, VP
> > >``````````
> > >"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."
> >--Keppel
> > >Enderbery
> > >```````````````
> > >"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we
> >received
> > >notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if
there
> >is
> > >a change in your circumstances." --Department of Social Services,
> > >Greenville, South Carolina
> > >````````````````````````````````````````````
> > >"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night
as
> >they
> > >go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night.
And the
> >
> > >next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."
--Mark S.
> > >Fowler, FCC Chairman
> > >````````````````````````
> > >
> > >....Feeling smarter yet? >


CliffnTina - 6/14/2003 at 07:52 PM

Girls night out - Her story!
The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls."
I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!"
Well, the hours passed and the champagne was going down way too easy.
Around 3 a.m., drunk as a skunk, I headed for home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and
cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing he'd probably wake up,
I cuckooed another 9 times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution
(even when smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him
12:00. He didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one!
Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."
When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three
times, then said, 'oh **** ," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat,
cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped
over the cat and farted.


Rusty - 6/14/2003 at 10:36 PM

There was a native American man who had spent all of his life alone in the wilderness. One day he felt the urge of nature, and decided that he wanted to be with a woman. So he went in to town and contracted with a prostitute.

The encounter didn't go well at all. He clumsily pawed at the woman, and was unintentionally rough with her. In short, he was not even able to carry out the act of intercourse.

The prostitute felt sorry for him, though. She led him to a tree with a hole in it and told him to practice on it until he had a better understanding. She told him that when he was ready, that he could return to her.

A few weeks went by and the native American man returned. The prostitute proceeded to remove her clothing and lie on the bed. When she looked up, the native American was approaching her with a stick pointed towards her. "What are you doing?", she shrieked. "Me checkum for bees", was his reply.

[Edited on 6/14/2003 by Rusty]


yurtle - 6/15/2003 at 10:37 PM

Who is colored?

This was written by a black guy in Texas.......so funny.....what a great sense of humor!

When I born, I black.
When I grow up, I black.
When I go in sun, I black.
When I cold, I black.
When I scared, I black.
When I sick, I black.
And when I die, I still black.

You white folks......

When you born, you pink.
When you grow up, you white.
When you go in sun, you red.
When you cold, you blue.
When you scared, you yellow.
When you sick, you green.
When you bruised, you purple.
And when you die, you gray.

So who you callin' colored ??


Bobo - 6/16/2003 at 01:49 PM

500 men die at the same time and show up at the Pearly Gates - St. Peter isn't sure how to handle the crush so he says, "All you men who were hen-pecked by your wives during your lives, stand to my right; those who weren't, to my left."

499 men go to St. Peter's right while 1 mousy-looking guy goes to his left.........St. Peter approaches the little man, saying, "All of these men went into the hen-pecked line but you didn't - Why?"

The little man thought for a moment and said, "My wife told me to."


Bobo - 6/16/2003 at 01:52 PM

Speaking of our wives (were we?), this is the text of the card my wife gave me for Father's Day - "Happy Father's Day to the one who wears the pants in the family ............................from the one who told him what pair of pants to wear in the first place."


yurtle - 6/16/2003 at 08:29 PM

THE TEN COMMANDMENTS IN CAJUN
>
>01]GOD IS NUMBER ONE...AND DAS' ALL
>02]DON'T PRAY TO NUTTIN' OR NOBODY..JIS' GOD
>03]DON'T CUSS NOBODY...'SPECIALLY DA GOOD LORD
>04]WHEN IT BE SUNDAY...PASS YO'SELF BY GOD'S HOUSE
>05]YO MAMA AN' YO DADDY DUN DID IT ALL..LISSEN TO DEM
>06]KILLIN' DUCK AN' FISH, DAS OK...PEPLE - NO!
>07]GOD DONE GIVE YOU A WIFE...SLEEP WIT JUS' HER
>08]DON'T TAKE NOBODY'S BOAT...OR NUTTIN' ELSE
>09]DON'T GO WANTIN'SOMEBODY'S STUFF
>10]STOP LYIN'...YO TONGUE GONNA FALL OUT YO MOUF!
>


jamminpappy - 6/17/2003 at 01:55 AM

OK the kids need to leave the room............ What does a circus high wire walker and a man getting a blow-job by a 65yr old woman have in common? ..........Neither one wants to look down.

[Edited on 6/17/2003 by jamminpappy]


yurtle - 6/17/2003 at 10:21 AM

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back
together, they discussed the gifts that they were able to give to their
elderly mother. The first said, "I built a big house for our mother.

The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."

The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You know how Mom
enjoys
the Bible, and you know she can't see very well. I sent her a brown
parrot
that can recite the entire Bible. It took 20 monks in a monastery 12
years
to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for 10 years,
but it was worth it. Mom just has to name the chapter and verse and the
parrot will recite it."

Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks. She wrote the first
son, "Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room,
but I
have to clean the whole house."

She wrote the second son, "Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home
all
the time, so I never use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"

She wrote the third son, "Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have
the
good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious"



Pam - 6/17/2003 at 12:20 PM

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve.
So, how is everything going?" inquired God. It is all so beautiful, God,"
she replied. "The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking; the smells, the
sights--everything is wonderful. But I have just this one problem. It is
these three breasts that You have given me. The middle one pushes the other
two out, and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on
branches, snagging them on bushes.
They are a real pain," reported Eve.

Eve went on to tell God that many other parts of her body such
as her limbs, eyes, and ears) came in pairs, and she felt that having
only two breasts might leave her body more "symmetrically balanced",
as she put it.

That is a fair point," replied God, "but it was my first shot at
this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you
needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix
It up right away."

God reached down, removed the middle breast, and tossed it into
the bushes. Three weeks passed, and God once again visited Eve in the
garden..

Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation now?"
Just fantastic," she replied, but for one oversight on your part.
You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the
cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. "I feel so alone."

God thought for a moment and said, "You know, Eve, you are
right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will
immediately create a man from a part of you...."Now let's see, where
did I put that useless boob?".
> > >
> > >
> > > NOW DOESNT THAT MAKE MORE SENSE THAN THAT RIB THING?


yurtle - 6/17/2003 at 08:31 PM

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other, outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"

The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."

The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze."

The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"

The first kid says, "A circumcision."

And the second kid says, "Whoa, good luck buddy! I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year!"


yurtle - 6/18/2003 at 10:22 AM

A Chinese couple gets married - and she's a virgin. He is none too
experienced either. On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the
bed
sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs in next to her and tries to
be
reassuring.

"My darring" he says, "I know dis yo firs time and you berry frighten.
I
promise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting you say. Whatchu
want?" he says, trying to sound experienced, which he hopes will
impress his
virgin bride.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for
her
request.

She eventually replies shyly and unsure, "I want ......numba 69".

More thoughtful silence this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled
tone he
queries...

You want... Beef wif Broccori!????"


yurtle - 6/18/2003 at 08:49 PM

Way down in dat old swamp known as Louisiana, Bubba's
old lady had been pregnant for some time, and now the time had come.

So, he brought her to the doctor, and the doctor began to deliver the
baby. She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Bubba and
said, "Hey, Bubba! You just had you a son! Aint dat grand!!"

Bubba got excited by this, but just then the doctor spoke up and said,
"Hold on! We ain't finished yet!" The doctor then delivered a little
girl.

He said, "Hey, Bubba! You got you a daughter!!!! She a pretty lil
ting, too...."

Bubba got kind of puzzled by this, and then the doctor said, "Hold on,
we still ain't got done yet!" The doctor then delivered another boy and
said, "Bubba, you just had yourself another boy!"

When Bubba and his wife went home with their three children, he sat
down
with his wife and said, "Mama, you remember dat night what we ran out
of Vaseline and we had to use dat dere 3-in-1 Oil?"

She said, "Yeah, I do."

Bubba said, "Man, it's a good ting we didn't use no WD-40.


yurtle - 6/18/2003 at 10:27 PM


Vanilla Pudding


This is just too funny not to share. Excerpted from an article which
appeared in the Dublin Times about a bank robbery on March 2.
Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling
the security system got underway immediately. The robbers,who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash & valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes throughout the bank.
The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside they found only a small bowl of vanilla pudding. As recorded on the bank's audio tape system, one robber
said,"At least we'll have a bit to eat." The robbers opened up a second
safe, and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding. The process
continued
until all safes were opened. They did not find one pound sterling, a diamond, or
an ounce of gold. Instead, all the safes contained covered bowls of
pudding. Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving
with nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach.


> >The newspaper headline read:








> >
> >
> >
> >
> > IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING...

>



WharfRat - 6/19/2003 at 12:36 PM

Hey Yurtle, i posted that on the first page....

Its is funny/sick enough for a second go-round i suppose


Rusty - 6/19/2003 at 01:41 PM

A lady walks into an ice cream shop. She goes up to the counter where a young man was waiting to take her order.
"Good afternoon, ma'am, what'll it be?", asks the young man.
"I'll have a cone with one scoop of vanilla and one scoop of chocolate", says the lady.
"I'm sorry", says the man, "but we're out of chocolate today".
"Well, then", says the lady, "I'll have a scoop of strawberry and a scoop of chocolate".
The man reiterates, "I'm sorry, ma'am, but we're all out of chocolate today".
The lady looks up at the menu board and says, "well okay, I'll have a scoop of pistachio and a scoop of chocolate".
At this point, the man loses it. Pointing up to the flavors menu board he asks, "lady, do you see the VAN in vanilla?"
The lady says "yes".
The man continues, "do you see the STRAW in strawberry?"
The lady says "yes".
Then the man demands, "do you see the FREAK* in chocolate?"
The lady says, "there's no FREAK in chocolate!".
The man says, "lady, that's what I'm tryin' to tell you!".


* substitute another "F" word for freakin', if you want.


Rubba - 6/19/2003 at 02:13 PM

A Rabbi finishes up a long night of prayer with his sermon, and is soonafter approached by a member of the congregation.
"'Scuse me, Rabbi", says the man. "I must say... that was the best goddam sermon Ive ever heard. It was fantastic! Thanks so much."
A bit taken aback by the raw compliment, the Rabbi responded, "Thank you for the kind words, but given that we're in God's house, I'd appreciate it if you would tone down the language a bit."
"Sure, no problem, Rabbi.." says the man, "..but the Sermon - f**king amazing! In fact I liked it so much, I put $5000 in the contribution box!"
The Rabbi responds, "No sh*t?"




[Edited on 6/19/2003 by Rubba]


aiq - 6/19/2003 at 04:38 PM

Attorney General Ashcroft is visiting an elementary school. After the
typical civics presentation to the class, he announces, "Alright, boys
and girls, you can all ask me questions now."

A young boy named Bobby raises his hand and says, "I have three questions:

1. How did Bush win the election with fewer votes than Gore?

2. Why are you using the USA Patriot Act to limit Americans' civil liberties?

3. Why hasn't the U.S. caught Osama Bin Laden yet?"

Just then the bell sounds and all the kids run out to the playground.

Fifteen minutes later, the kids come back in class and again. Ashcroft says, "I'm sorry we were interrupted by the bell. Now, you can all ask
me questions."

A young girl named Charlene raises her hand and says, "I have five questions:

1. How did Bush win the election with fewer votes than Gore?

2. Why are you using the USA Patriot Act to limit Americans' civil liberties?

3. Why hasn't the U.S. caught Osama Bin Laden yet?"

4. Why did the bell go off 20 minutes early?

5. Where's Bobby?"


jimstone - 6/19/2003 at 08:38 PM

Here's one from my 5 year old:
Why is six afraid of seven.........
>
>
>
>
>
>
>

>Because seven, eight nine!!

JS


Bobo - 6/19/2003 at 08:48 PM

Good one JS!

My 9 year old daughter tells me that one at least once a week!


jimstone - 6/19/2003 at 09:02 PM

Kids...........ya gotta love'em
JS


freekonoodler23 - 6/20/2003 at 04:01 AM

a guy is checking into a hotel, when he accidentally elbows a woman in the boob. he says to her
"madame, if you're heart is as soft as you're breast, you will forgive me."
she replies
"if you're d*ck is as hard as you're elbow, i'm in room 324."

[Edited on 20/6/2003 by freekonoodler23]


freekonoodler23 - 6/20/2003 at 04:03 AM

quote:
A man who has been slipping in and out of a coma regains consciousness. He whispers to his wife, "youve been here through it all. When my business failed and we lost the house, you didn't leave. When my health went, you stayed by my side.. You know what?"

"What dear?" she asks gently..

"Get the hel away from me. I think your cursed."

thats a good one.


Rusty - 6/20/2003 at 08:57 PM

There's an ocean liner in trouble at sea, it is sinking fast.

Among the passengers are former presidents Ronald Reagan, Jimmy Carter, Richard Nixon and Bill Clinton.

"Man the lifeboats!", shouts Reagan.
"Women and children first" yells Carter.
"Screw the Women and children" screams Nixon.
"Do we have time for that?" asks Clinton.


CliffnTina - 6/20/2003 at 10:15 PM

TODAY'S STOCK MARKET REPORT

Helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary. Fluorescent
tubing was dimmed in light trading. Knives were up sharply. Cows steered
into a bull market. Pencils lost a few points. Hiking equipment was
trailing. Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
Weights were up in heavy trading. Light switches were off. Mining
equipment hit rock bottom. Diapers remained unchanged. Shipping lines
stayed at an even keel. The market for raisins dried up. Coca Cola
fizzled. Caterpillar stock inched up a bit. Sun peaked at midday.
Balloon prices were inflated. Scott Tissue touched a new bottom. And
batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.


Rusty - 6/21/2003 at 12:56 AM

Two little children, a little boy and a little girl were sitting around discovering and comparing their anatomies one day. The little boy said, "I've got two eyes". The little girl said, "I do, too". The little boy points to his chest and says, "I've got nipples". The little girl examines herself and says, "me, too". The little boy drops his pants and points to his penis. "I've got a pee-pee", he says. The little girl examines herself and notices that finally, there is a feature that she lacks. She goes home crying. Her mother asks her why she's crying and the little girl tells her. "Well, don't you worry", says her mom. "As long as you've got a vagina, you can get as many pee-pees as you want".


yurtle - 6/22/2003 at 01:50 PM



A Sweet A$$ Story

It was another Payday and I was tired of Mr. Goodbar.

I saw Miss Hershey standing behind the Powerhouse on the corner of Clark and Fifth Avenue when I whipped out my Whopper and whispered, “Hey Sweetheart, how'd you like to Crunch on my big hunk for a Million Dollar Bar?”

Well, she immediately went down on my Tootsie Roll, and it was like pure Almond Joy!

I couldn't help but grab her delicious Mounds because it was easy to see that this little Twix had the Red Hots.

It was all I could do to hold the Snickers and Crackle as my Butterfinger went up her tight little Kit Kat and she started to scream “Oh Henry, Oh Henry!”

Soon she was fondling my Peter Pan and ZagNut and I knew it wouldn't be long before I blew my Milk Duds clear to Mars that gave her a taste of the old Milky Way.

She asked me if I was into M&M, but I said, “Hey Chicklet, no kinky stuff.” I said, “Look you little Reese's Pieces, don't be a Zero, be a Lifesaver. Why don't you take my Whatchamacallit and slip it up your Bit 'O' Honey?”

(What a piece of Juicy Fruit she was, too!)

She screamed, “Oh Crackerjack, better than the Three Musketeers!” as I rammed my Ding Dong up her Rocky Road and into her Peanut Butter Cup.

Well, I was giving it to her Good 'N' Plenty, when all the sudden... my Starburst!

Yeah, as luck would have it, she started to grow Chunky and complained of a Wrigley in her stomach.

Sure enough, nine months later, out popped? Baby Ruth!


[Edited on 6/22/2003 by yurtle]


yurtle - 6/22/2003 at 01:53 PM






Big Boss Man

When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss.
The brain said, "I should be boss because I control the whole body's responses and functions."

The feet said, "We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go."

The hands said, "We should be the boss because we do all the work and earn all the money."

And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs, and the eyes until finally the a-hole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the a-hole being the Boss. So the a-hole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work.

Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered. Eventually they all decided that the a-hole should be the boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the boss just sat and passed out the **** !

Moral of the story: You don't need brains to be a boss - any a-hole will do.






yurtle - 6/22/2003 at 03:38 PM


A Real Watch Dog

A blind man walked into a bank with his seeing-eye dog that guided him everywhere. He walked into the center of the bank floor, took the dog by the chain, and started swinging him around his head.
Everyone stopped what they were doing and stared. The other customers were taken aback and some were very upset at the way the animal was being treated. One of the tellers ran up to the blind man and asked, "Sir, what are you doing!?!"

The man turned toward the teller and said, "Oh, nothing - just looking around."


yurtle - 6/23/2003 at 08:46 PM

> > > > Subject: Three LIttle Pigs
> > > >
> > > >
> > > > Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter
comes
> > > > and takes their drink order.
> > > > "I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy.
> > > > "I would like a Coke," said the second little piggy.
> > > > "I want water, lots and lots of water," said the third little
piggy.
> > > >
> > > > The drinks are brought out and the waiter takes their orders
for
> > > > dinner.
> > > >
> > > > "I want a nice big steak," said the first piggy.
> > > > "I would like the salad plate," said the second piggy.
> > > > "I want water, lots and lots of water," said the third little
piggy.
> > > >
> > > > The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter
> > > > approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any
> > > > dessert.
> > > >
> > > > "I want a banana split," said the first piggy.
> > > > "I want a root beer float," said the second piggy.
> > > > "I want water, lots and lots of water," exclaimed the third
little
> > > > piggy.
> > > >
> >
> > > > "Pardon me for asking," said the waiter! to the third little
piggy,
> > > > "but why have you only ordered water all evening?"
> > > >
> > > >
> > > > You're gonna LOVE me for this....
> > > >
> > > > Hold on to your seat .
> > > >
> > > >
> > > > At the risk of never receiving e-mail ever again........
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > > The third piggy says -
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > > "Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!"
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > >
> >


WharfRat - 6/30/2003 at 12:10 PM




> A Kentucky Phone Company was going to hire a team of telephone pole
> installers, and the boss had to choose between a team of two rednecks and
> a team of two Irish guys?
>
> So the boss met with both teams and said: "Here's what we'll do. Each
> team will install poles out on the new road for a day. The team that
> installs the most phone poles gets the job".
>
> Both teams headed right out. At end of the shift, Pat and Mike, the Irish
> guys, came back and the boss asked them how many they had installed. They
> said that it was tough going, but they'd put in twelve.
>
> Forty-five minutes later, Bubba and Duke, the redneck guys came back and
> they were totally exhausted. The boss asked, "Well, how many poles did
> you guys install?" Bubba, the team leader wiped his brow and sighed,> "Duke and me, we got three in." The boss gasped, "Three? Those two Irish
> guys put in twelve!"
>
> "Yeah," said Bubba, "but you should see how much they left stickin' out
> of the ground


yurtle - 7/2/2003 at 01:42 AM

A SOUTHERN LOVE POEM

> >
> > Suzy Lee fell in love.
> >
> > She planned to marry Joe.
> >
> > She was so happy about it all,
> >
> > she told her pappy so.
> >
> > Pappy told her, "Suzy gal,"
> >
> > you'll have to find another.
> >
> > I'd just as soon yo maw don't know,
> >
> > but Joe is yo half-brother.
> >
> > So Suzy forgot about her Joe
> >
> > and planned to marry Will.
> >
> > But after telling pappy this,
> >
> > he said, "There's trouble still."
> >
> > "You can't marry Will, my gal
> >
> > and please don't tell yo mother,
> >
> > cause Will and Joe and several mo
> >
> > I know is yo half-brother.
> >
> > But mama knew and said, "Honey chile,
> >
> > do what makes you happy.
> >
> > Marry Will or marry Joe,
> >
> > You ain't no kin to pappy!"
> >
> >


Jonesy - 7/2/2003 at 02:11 AM

How's about a Grateful Dead joke:

Q: How many deadheads does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A1: 40,000. One to change the lightbulb, 499 to tape the event, 15,000 to dance and twirl in ecstasy, 5000 to sit and grumble that "they used to change 'em better in the old days", 5,000 to wander around outside with (mix and match) one finger in the air, calling out "doses", "da kine", "veggie burritos", "groovy dyes", "guats", "spare change", "gas/motel/food money", 4000 to wander around outside dancing at the cars with the tunes blasting from the tape decks, lining up at the balloon trucks, 100 scalpers selling fake bulbs, 400 state/local/federal officers looking for all the above...oh, yeah, and 10,000 to follow the old burned out one to the next town.


petri - 7/2/2003 at 07:34 AM

Q: How do you know that there´s a drummer at your door?
A: The knocking speeds up...

Q: How do you know there´s a drummer at your door?
A: After knocking he doesn´t know when to come in...

Q: Why do bassplayers have brains size of a pea?
A: They´ve been swollen because of excessive drinking...

Musos, no need to get excited, these are only jokes... I myself am a drummer...


CliffnTina - 7/2/2003 at 09:05 PM

List of the Funniest Bumper Stickers In America

1. Constipated People Don't Give A **** .

2. That is so five minutes ago!!

3. If You Drink Don't Park, Accidents Cause People.

4. Who Lit The Fuse On Your Tampon?

5. If You Don't Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut.

6. Please Tell Your Pants Its Not Polite To Point.

7. If That Phone Was Up Your Butt, Maybe You Could Drive A Little Better.

8. My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant.

9. Thank You For Pot Smoking.

10. To All You Virgins: Thanks For Nothing.

11. If At First You Don't Succeed... Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.


12. Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings".

13. If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.

14. Horn Broken ... Watch For Finger.

15. It's Not How You Pick Your Nose, But Where You Put The Booger.

16. If You're Not A Hemorrhoid, Get Off My Ass.

17. You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me

18. The Earth Is Full - Go Home

19. I Have The Body Of A God ... Buddha

20. This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me

21. So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time

22. Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult

23. If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?

24. The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name

25. Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway

26. Illiterate? Write For Help

27. Honk If Anything Falls Off

28. Cover Me I'm Changing Lanes

29. He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit

30. I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person

31. You! Out Of The Gene Pool!

32. I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To

33. Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Handbasket?

34. If Sex Is A Pai n In The Ass, Then You're Doing It Wrong...

38. Fight Crime: Shoot Back!

39. [Seen Upside Down On A Jeep] If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over...

40. Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35mph Are Also Timed For 70mph.

41. Guys: No Shirt, No Service - Gals: No Shirt, No Charge

42. If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba
The Hut?

43. Necrophilia: That Uncontrollable Urge To Crack Open A Cold One.

44. Ax Me About Ebonics

45. Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel

46. Boldly Going Nowhere

47. Cat: The Other White Meat

48. Caution - Driver Legally Blonde

49. Don't Be Sexist - Bitches Hate That

50. Heart Attacks ... God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends.

51. Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window

52. How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He is lost?

53. If You Can't Dazzle Them With Brilliance, Riddle Them With Bullets.

54. Money Isn't Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In Touch

55. Saw It ... Wanted It ... Had A Fit ... Got It!

56. My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom.

57. GROW YOUR OWN DOPE --- PLANT A MAN.

58. All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets.

59. Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them

60. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

61. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

62. BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.

63. So you're a feminist...Isn't that precious.

64. I need someone really bad...Are you really bad?

65. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder


LinnieXX - 7/2/2003 at 09:29 PM

First good one i got in awhile..........
if it's already ppsted here 10,000 apologies.......

Prejudiced? ......yes! Funny? ........definitely!

subject:Educated Conversations?

A Tennessee trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-40 and says to the driver, "Got any ID?"
The driver says, "'Bout what?"
******
Two Mississippians are walking toward each other, and one is carrying a sack. When they meet, one says, "Hey Tommy Ray, whatcha got in th' bag, Jus' some chickens"If I guesses how many they is, kin I have one?"
"Shoot, if ya guesses right, I'll give you both of 'em!"
"OK. Ummmmm...five?"
******
Man from Woodstock,VA came home and found his house on fire.
He rushed next door, telephoned the fire department and shouted,
"Hurry over here-muh house is on fahr!"
"OK," replied the fireman, "how do we get there?"
"Shucks, don't you fellers still have those big red trucks?"
******
Why do folks in Gore,VA go to R-rated movies in groups of 18 or more?
Because they heard 17 and under aren't admitted.
******
Ida Mae passed away and Bubba called 911. The
911-operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away.
"Where do you live?" asked the operator.
Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive.
" The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?"
After a long pause, Bubba said, "How 'bout I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"
****
Know why they raised the minimum drinking age in Virginia to 32?
They wanted to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
******
What do they call reruns of "Hee Haw" in Capon Springs,WV?
Documentaries
******
Where was the toothbrush invented?
Arkansas. If it were invented anywhere else, it would have been called a teethbrush.
******
Did you hear about the $3,000,000 West Virginia State Lottery?
The winner gets $3 a year for a million years.
*******
A new law was recently passed in Wincheter,VA so that when a couple gets divorced, they're still brother and sister.
******
What do a divorce in Alabama, a tornado in Kansas and a hurricane in Florida have in common?
No matter what, somebody's fixin' to lose a tr ailer.
******
How do you know when you're staying in a Middletown,VA motel?
When you call the front desk and say
"I've got a leak in my sink,"
and the person at the front desk says, "Go ahead.


CliffnTina - 7/10/2003 at 10:25 PM

SOUTHERN BIRTH SIGNS


What's Your "Southern" Sign? Some of us (especially Southerners) are pretty skeptical of horoscopes, and it has become obvious that what we need are "Southern"symbols:

OKRA (Dec 22 - Jan 20) Although you appear crude, you are actually very slick on the inside. Okras have tremendous influence. An older Okra can look back over his life and see the seeds of his influence everywhere. Stay away from Moon Pies.

CHITLIN (Jan 21 - Feb 19) Chitlins come from humble backgrounds. A chitlin, however, can make something of himself if he's motivated and has lots of seasoning. In dealing with Chitlins, be careful. They can erupt like Vesuvius. Chitlins are best with Catfish and Okra.

BOLL WEEVIL (Feb 20 - Mar 20) You have an overwhelming curiosity. You're unsatisfied with the surface of things, and you feel the need to bore deep into the interior of everything. Needless to say, you are very intense and driven as if you had some inner hunger. Nobody in their right mind is going to marry you, so don't worry about it.

MOON PIE (Mar 21 - Apr 20) You're the type that spends a lot of time on the front porch. It's a cinch to recognize the physical appearance of Moon Pies. Big and round are the key words here. You should marry anybody who you can get remotely interested in the idea. It's not going to be easy. This might be the year to think about aerobics. Or - maybe not.

POSSUM (Apr 21 - May 21) When confronted with life's difficulties, possums have a marked tendency to withdraw and develop a don't-bother-me-about-it attitude. Sometimes you become so withdrawn, people actually think you're dead. This strategy is probably not psychologically healthy, but seems to work for you. One day, however, it won't work and you may find your problem s actually running you over.

CRAWFISH (May 22 - June 21) Crawfish is a water sign. If you work in an office, you're always hanging around the water cooler. Crawfish prefer the beach to the mountains, the pool to the golf course, the bathtub to the living room. You tend to be not particularly attractive physically, but you have very, very good heads.

COLLARDS (June 22 - July 23) Collards have a genius for communication. They love to get in the "melting pot" of life and share their essence with the essence of those round them.. Collards make good social workers, psychologists, and baseball managers. As far as your personal life goes, if you are Collards, stay away from Moon Pies. It just won't work. Save yourself a lot of heartache.

CATFISH (July 24 - Aug 23) Catfish are traditionalists in matters of the heart, although one's whiskers may cause problems for loved ones. You catfish are never easy people to understand. You prefer the muddy bottoms to the clear surface of life. Above all else, Catfish should stay away from Moon Pies.

GRITS (Aug 24 - Sept 23) Your highest aim is to be with others like yourself. You like to huddle together with a big crowd of other Grits. You love to travel though, so maybe you should think about joining a club. Where do you like to go? Anywhere they have cheese or gravy or bacon or butter or eggs. If you can go somewhere where they have all these things, that serves you well.

BOILED PEANUTS (Sept 24 - Oct 23) You have a passionate desire to help your fellow man. Unfortunately, those who know you best - your friends and loved ones - may find that your personality is much too salty, and their criticism will probably affect you deeply because you are really much softer than you appear. You should go right ahead and marry anybody you want to because in a certain way, yours is a charmed life. On the road of life, you can be sure that people will always pull over and stop for you.

BUTTER BEAN (Oct 24 - Nov 22) Always invite a Butter Bean because Butter Beans get along well with everybody. You, as a Butter Bean, should be proud. You've grown on the vine of life and you feel at home no matter what the setting. You can sit next to anybody. However, you, too, shouldn't have anything to do with Moon Pies.

ARMADILLO (Nov 23 - Dec 21) You have a tendency to develop a tough exterior,but you are actually quite gentle. A good evening for you? Old friends, a fire, some roots, fruit, worms and insects. You are a throwback. You're not concerned with today's fashions and trends. You're not concerned with anything about today. You're really almost prehistoric in your interests and behavior patterns. You probably want to marry another Armadillo, but Possum is another somewhat kinky, mating possibility.


chris - 7/11/2003 at 01:09 AM

Q: What's blue and **** s old people?
>A: Hypothermia.
>**********************************************************************
>Q: What's the first thing a woman does when she gets out of the battered
>wives' shelter?
>A: The dishes, if she knows what's good for her.
>**********************************************************************
>Q: How do you swat 200 flies at one time
>A: Hit an Ethiopian in the face with a frying pan.
>********************************************************************** Q:
>What is the definition of "making love"?
>A: Something a woman does while a guy is **** ing her.
>**********************************************************************
>Q: What do 54,000 abused woma n every year have in common?
>A: They don't **** ing listen.
>**********************************************************************
>Q: What's yellow and green and eats nuts?
>A: Gonorrhoea.
>*********************************************************************
>Q: Why did God create yeast infections?
>A: So women would know what it's like to live with an irritating **** once
>in a while too.
>**********************************************************************
>Q. How can you tell a macho woman?
>A. She rolls her own tampons.
>**********************************************************************
>Q. Why do fags like ribbed condoms?
>A. Better traction in the mud.
>**********************************************************************
>Q. What's the difference between a woman and a sheep?
>A. The sheep doesn't get upset if you screw her sister.
>**********************************************************************
>Q. What's the difference between acne and a Michael Jackson?
>A. Acne usually doesn't come on a kid's face until he's at least 13 years
>old.
>**********************************************************************
>Q. How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
>A. Marry him.
>**********************************************************************
>Q. What do you get when you cross two black people?
>A. Your ass kicked.
>**********************************************************************
>Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
>A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
>**********************************************************************
>Q. Why do men pay more for car insurance?
>A. Because women don't get blow jobs while they're driving.
>**********************************************************************
>Q. What's the difference between mayonnaise & semen?
>A. Mayonnaise doesn't hit the back of a girl's throat at thirty miles an
>hour.
>**********************************************************************
>Q. Why do women call it PMS?
>A. Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
>**********************************************************************
>Q. What's a mixed feeling?
>A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.
>**********************************************************************
>Q. What's the height of conceit?
>A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
>**********************************************************************
>Q. What's the definition of macho?
>A. Jogging home from your own vasectomy.
>**********************************************************************
>Q. How can you tell if you're at a bulimic bachelor party?
>A. The cake jumps out of the girl.
>**********************************************************************
>Q. What's the differenc e between oral sex & anal sex?
>A. Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.
>**********************************************************************
>Q. How is pubic hair like parsley?
>A. You push it to the side before you start eating.
>**********************************************************************
>Q. What's so good about an Ethiopian blowjob?
>A. You know she'll swallow.
>**********************************************************************
>Q. Why don't they teach driver's education and sex education on the same
>day in Iraq?
>A. They don't want to wear out the camel.
>**********************************************************************
>Q. What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
>A. A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewellery.
>********************************************************************** Q.
>What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
>A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball.
>*********************************************************************
>Q. How do the little boys at Michael Jackson's ranch know when it is
>bedtime?
>A. When the big hand touches the little hand...
>**********************************************************************
>Q. How do you know when it's time to wash dishes and clean the house?
>A. Look inside your pants; if you have a penis, it's not time.
>**********************************************************************
>Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
>A. They spray paint X's on the back of the animals that kick.
>**********************************************************************
>Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
>A. Because it's worth it!
>--


freekonoodler23 - 7/11/2003 at 03:47 AM

quote:
A college professor was doing a study testing the
senses of first-graders using a bowl of Lifesavers.
He gave all of the children the same kind of lifesaver
one at a time and asked them to identify them by color
and flavor.

The children began to say:

"Red..................cherry".

"Yellow...............lemon".

"Green................lime".

"Orange...............orange".

Finally, the professor gave them all honey Lifesavers.

After eating them for a few moments, none of the
children could identify the taste. "Well" he said,
"I'll give you all a clue. It's what your mother may
sometimes call your father."

One little girl looked up in horror, spit hers out and
yelled, "Everybody, spit 'em out - they're
assholes!!!"




That is JUST so funny!


yurtle - 7/13/2003 at 01:24 PM

Its JULY In The SOUTH and...

The birds are using potholders to pull worms out of the ground.

The trees are whistling for the dogs.

The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.

Hot water now comes out of both taps.

You can make sun tea instantly.

You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron.

The temperature drops below 90 and you feel a little chilly.

You discover that in July it only takes 2 fingers to steer your car.

You discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.

You actually burn your hand opening the car door.

You break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m.

Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"

You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.

The potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper.

Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying boiled eggs.

The cows are giving evaporated milk.


TerriB - 7/13/2003 at 01:37 PM

Spring has sprung
Fall has Fell
Here in mid-July
It's hotter than
usual


yurtle - 7/14/2003 at 01:17 AM

A father watched his daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her and noticed she was looking at two spiders mating "Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked. "They're mating," her father replied. "What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she asked. "That's a Daddy Longlegs." Her father answered "So, the other one is a Mommy longlegs?" the little girl asked. "No," her father replied. "Both of them are Daddy Longlegs." The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat. "Well, we're not having any of that **** in our garden."


WasntBorn2Follow - 7/14/2003 at 01:23 AM

pick up line: do you have a mirror in your pants? because I can see myself in there.


yurtle - 7/15/2003 at 01:41 AM



THIS IS CUTE!!!!
>COMPUTERS
>
>Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better
at
using the computer. They had been going at it for days, and God the
Father was tired of hearing all the bickering.
>
>Finally, God the Father said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test
which
will take two hours and it will judge who does the better job ."
>
>So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.
>
>
>
>They moused.
>
>
>
>They did spreadsheets.
>
>
>
>They wrote reports.
>
>
>
>They sent faxes.
>
>
>
>They sent e-mail.
>
>
>
>They sent out e-mail with attachments.
>
>
>
>They downloaded.
>
>
>
>They did some genealogy reports.
>
>
>
>They made cards.
>
>
>
>They did every known job.
>
>
>
>But, ten minutes before the time was up, lightning suddenly flashed
across
the sky, thunder rolled,the rain poured, and of course, the electricity
went off.
>
>
>
>Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known
in
the underworld.
>
>
>
>Jesus just sighed.
>
>
>
>The electricity finally flickered back on, and each of them restarted
their computers.
>
>
>
>Satan started searching frantically screaming, "It's gone! It's all
gone!
I lost everything when the power went out!"
>
>
>
>Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all his files from the
past
two hours.
>
>
>
>Satan observed this and became even more irate. "Wait! He cheated! How
did
he do it??!!"
>
>
>
> >(You'll love the punch line....)
>
>
>
>God shrugged and said, "Jesus Saves".


yurtle - 7/15/2003 at 10:26 AM

Grandma's 100th Birthday Bash

>
>The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where
>the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma
>couldn't speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to
>communicate. After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started
>leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her,
>straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right.
>
>A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the
>family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left. Soon she started
>leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, then tied a
>pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.
>
>A nephew who arrived late came running up to Grandma and said, "Hi
>Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?"
>
>Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the
>nephew, "They won't let me fart."




CliffnTina - 7/16/2003 at 10:15 PM

Subject: Spuds You know that all potatoes have eyes.
Well, Mr. and Mrs. Potato had eyes for each other, and finally they got
married, and had a little sweet potato, whom they called "Yam."
Of course, they wanted the best for Yam. When it was time, they told her
about the facts of life. They warned her about going out and getting
half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for
herself like "Hot Potato," and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots.
Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a
rotten potato out of her. But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and
become a Couch Potato, either. She would get plenty of exercise so as not
to be skinny like her Shoestring cousins. When she went off to Europe, Mr.
and Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for the hard-boiled guys from
Ireland. And the greasy guys from France called the French Fries. And when
she went out west, to watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get
scalloped. Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't
associate with those high class Yukon Golds, or the ones from the other
side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks that say,
"Frito Lay."
Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P. U. (that's Potato University) so
that when she graduated she'd really be in the Chips. But in spite of all
they did for her, one day Yam came home and announced she was going to
marry Tom Brokaw.
Tom Brokaw!
Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset. They told Yam she couldn't possibly
marry Tom Brokaw because he's just a...

Are you ready for this?


Common Tater


yurtle - 7/21/2003 at 06:35 AM

Oklahoma Preacher
>
>
>
> The new Oklahoma preacher was a dead ringer for Conway Twitty. One day
> he decided to visit some of the church members who hadn't been to
> service lately.
>
> He went to the first lady's house and knocked on the door. When she
> answered the door, she said, "Conway Twitty!" "No, ma'am," he replied.
> "I'm your new pastor, and I just stopped by to have a prayer with you."
>
> So she said come right on in.
>
> He visited several more homes, and everyone thought he was Conway
> Twitty.
>
> Eventually, he came to the house at the end of the street. It turned
> out to be the residence of a young widow. At the time that the Reverend
> knocked on her door, the young widow was taking a shower. Hearing the
> knock, she just wrapped a towel around herself, ran to the door and
> threw it open. When she saw her caller, she threw up her hands-which
> allowed the towel to fall to the floor putting all her wonderful young
> and luscious curves on display.."Oh my God!" she exclaimed. "It's Conway
>
> Twitty!"
>
> The preacher just smiled and said, "Hello, Darlin."


LinnieXX - 7/21/2003 at 12:34 PM

for the computer geeks (ok...the unix GEEKS)


LinnieXX - 7/21/2003 at 12:35 PM

If Linux was a car...Sense of Humor required!

M: Hey Pete, Can you help me put a radio in my Debian?

P: You're an Idiot, RTFM!

M: I need more help than that.

P: You're an idiot! I did a Google search. It's in the page referenced by the footnote in the 37th hit. If I could find it, so can you.

GS: (good Samaritan) You need to rebuild the engine to add a radio.

M: Rebuild the engine?

P: You're an idiot!

GS: There's a how-to. It's written for a "Hat", but it's mostly correct except that engine is in the rear. It's translated from German, but they did a pretty good job. It'll tell you to hook the radio to the red and black wires, but since you've got a Debian, there won't be any red and black wires. And you still need to write the radio driver. Don't forget to regrind the camshaft. If you don't, you'll get an error message that you don't have permission to change the tire pressure, but it's the camshaft. You'll need a lot of tools, but you can get them for free. Most of them come with instructions... about 900 pages in all. Read 'em all carefully and understand 'em before you start. Should be able to figure it all out in a couple of months.

[MUCH LATER...]

M: Hey Pete, I didn't get all the stuff I needed to rebuild my engine. Can I borrow your Drake again?

P: The wife has the Drake, but you can borrow the Hat.

M: This is different. Where's the steering wheel?

P: That dashboard was really using a lot of gas. This has what is called a CLI. Just type CTRL-L to go left and CTRL-R to go right.

M: What about the gas and brakes?

P: That's all combined into a single speed number. Just type ps | grep speed. The headings are in Klingon, but the third number is the one you want. Just divide by the speed of light to get meters/second. You'll have to parse it out, calculate the new speed and use the nice function to change the priority of the process. That changes the speed. If you had just read the manpage, I wouldn't have had to tell you all that.

M: Which manpage?....never mind... What if I need to stop in a hurry?

P: Gotcha covered. There's a script for panic stops. Just type PanicStop-3.8.63278665-HAT when=now. It will ask you for a password. Enter the password and hang on cause you're gonna stop real quick. I'm really proud of the deceleration optimization routine. Be careful typing, it's case sensitive. If it gives you a cryptic error message and doesn't stop, it's probably because you forgot to add yourself to the brakes group. It's all in the manpage.

M: Which manpage?....never mind...

[MUCH, MUCH LATER....]

M: I wish I hadn't sold my Gates. At least I could drive it to town and pick up Granny....

P: You're an idiot!.....


CliffnTina - 7/22/2003 at 11:59 PM

Monica Lewinsky has registered as a Republican voter. She has said that the Democrats left a bad taste in her mouth.


ChrisR - 7/23/2003 at 02:43 AM

What do you call a drummer without a girlfriend?














"Homeless"!!!!!!!!!


CliffnTina - 7/23/2003 at 10:35 PM

Real 911 Calls, believe or not
>
> Dispatcher: Nine-one-one What is your emergency?
> Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on
> the corner.
> Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
> Caller: No, I'm wearing a blouse and slacks,why?
>
> Dispatcher: Nine-one-one What is your emergency?
> Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and
> cheese
> sandwich.
> Dispatcher: Excuse me?
> Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table
> and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of
> it.
> Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?
> Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of
> it.
>
>
> Dispatcher: Nine-one-one
> Caller: Hi, is this the police?
> Dispatcher: This is 911. Do you need police assistance?
> Caller: Well, I don't know who to call. Can you tell me how to cook a
> turkey? I've never cooked one before.
>
> Dispatcher: Nine-one-one. Fire or emergency?
> Called: Fire, I guess.
> Dispatcher: How can I help you sir?
> Caller: I was wondering.....does the Fire Dept. put snow chains on their
> trucks?
> Dispatcher: Yes sir, do you have an emergency?
> Caller: Well, I've spent the last 4 hours trying to put these chains on my
> tires and....well.... do you think the Fire Dept. could come over and help
> me?
> Dispatcher: Help you what?
> Caller: Help me get these chains on my car!
>
> Dispatcher: Nine-one-one What is the nature of your emergency?
> Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an
> eleven
> on it.
> Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
> Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
> Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
> Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.
>
> Dispatcher: Nine-one-one What's the nature of your emergency?
> Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes
> apart.
>
> Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
> Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband
>
> Dispatcher: Nine-one-one
> Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath.
> Darn...I
> think I'm going to pass out.
> Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
> Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster. Damn......
> Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
> Caller: No
> Dispatcher: What where you doing before you started having trouble
> breathing?
> Caller: Running from the police


yurtle - 7/25/2003 at 02:24 AM

> > Subject: Why parents have grey hair!!
> >
> > >The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees
about =
an
> > >urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the
employe=
e's
> > home
> > >phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. "Hello,"
whispe=
red
> > the
> > >child.
> > >
> > > > >Is your daddy home?" he asked.
> > >
> > >
> > > > >"Yes," whispered the small voice.
> > >
> > >
> > > > >"May I talk with him?"
> > >
> > >
> > > > >The child whispered, "No."
> > >
> > >
> > > > >S urprised, and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked,
"=
Is
> > your
> > >mommy there?"
> > >
> > >
> > > > >"Yes."
> > >
> > >
> > > > >"May I talk with her?"
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > > >Again the small voice whispered, "No."
> > >
> > >
> > > > >Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message,
th=
e
> > boss
> > >asked, "Is anybody else there?"
> > >
> > >
> > > > >"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."
> > >
> > >
> > > > >Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home,
the
boss
> > >asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
> > >
> > >
> > > > >"No, he's busy", whispered the child.
> > >
> > >
> > > > >"Busy doing what?"
> > >
> > >
> > > > >"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman", came the
whispered
> > answer.
> > >
> > > > >
> > > > >Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded
like=
a
> > >helicopter through the earpiece on the phone the boss asked, "What
i=
s
> > that
> > >noise?"
> > >
> > > > >
> > > > >"A hello-copper" answered the whispering voice.
> > >
> > > > >
> > > > >"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed.
> > > > >
> > >
> > > > >In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search
team
just
> >
> > >landed the hello-copper."
> > >
> > > > >
> > > > >Alarmed, concerned, and even more then just a little
frustrated =
the
> > boss
> > >asked, "What are they searching for?"
> > >
> > > > >Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled
> > giggle:
> > >"ME."


WharfRat - 7/27/2003 at 04:48 AM

A stockbroker, on his way home from work in New York City, came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, "Wow, this seems worse than usual."

He notices a police officer walking between the lines of stopped cars, so he rolls down his window and asks, "Officer, what's the hold up?"


The officer replies, "Hillary Clinton is depressed, so she stopped her motorcade and is threatening to douse herself in gasoline and set herself on fire. She says her husband is running around on her more than ever and the Democrats told her to forget about running for president in 2004. So we're taking up a collection for her."

The stockbroker asks, "How much have you got so far?"

The officer replies "About 4 1/2 gallons, but a lot of folks are still siphoning."


yurtle - 7/27/2003 at 08:40 AM

Dear Tide: I'm writing to say what an excellent product you have. I've used it since the beginning of married life, when my mom told me it was the best. In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My husband started to berate me about my drinking problem. One thing led to another and I ended up with a lot of his blood on my white blouse as well. I tried to get the stain out using a bargain detergent, but it just wouldn't come out. After a short errand, I stopped and got a bottle of liquid Tide with bleach alternative, and all of the stains came out! They came out so well,in fact, that the DNA tests were negative! I thank you, once again, for a great product. Well, gotta go. I have to write a letter to the Hefty bag people.


yurtle - 7/28/2003 at 02:22 AM

Have you Real Women seen these?




Ladies: If a lady accidentally oversalts a dish while it's still cooking, she drops in a peeled potato and it absorbs the excess salt for an instant "fix-me-up".





Real Woman: If you oversalt a dish while you are cooking,

that's too damn bad. Please recite with me, The Real Women's motto: "I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes."

**********

Ladies: Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.

Real Woman: Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink. You might still have the headache, but who cares?

**********

Ladies: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.

Real Woman: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake. You are probably lying on the couch, with your feet up, eating it anyway.

**********

Ladies: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.

Real Woman: Buy boxed mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.

**********

Ladies: When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.

Real Woman: Go to the bakery - they'll even decorate it for you.

**********

Ladies: Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.

Real Woman: Sara Lee frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust, so I just don't do it.

**********

Ladies: If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non slip grip that makes opening jars easy.

Real Woman: Go ask the very cute neighbor guy to do it.

**********

And finally the most important tip....

Ladies: Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.

Real Woman: Leftover wine??

**********

A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Damn...that was fun!"



LinnieXX - 7/28/2003 at 07:55 PM

A woman brought a very limp parrot into the Veterinarian's office. As she lay her pet on the table, the Vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the Vet shook his head sadly and said; "I'm so sorry, but Polly has passed away".

The distressed owner wailed; "Are you sure? I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something?"

The Vet rolled his eyes, shrugged, turned and left the room returning a few moments later with a beautiful black Labrador dog.

As the bird's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the dead parrot from top to bottom. He then looked at the Vet with his sad, brown eyes and shook his head. The Vet patted the dog and took it out of the office, but returned a few moments later with a cat!

The cat jumped up and also sniffed delicately at the bird. The cat sat back, shook its head, meowed and ran out of the room.

The Vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry. But like I said, your parrot is most definitely, 100% certifiably, dead."

He then turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman. The parrot's owner, still in shock, took the bill.

"What's this!" she cried. "$150 just to tell me my bird is dead?"

The vet shrugged. "If you'd taken my word for it the bill would only have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan ..."


yurtle - 7/28/2003 at 08:38 PM

A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the
>appropriate point in the process, told him that he would now need to
>enter a password, something he will use to log on. The husband was in
a
>rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to
>bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him
to

>enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was
>keying in
>"P...
>
>E...
>
>N...
>
>I...
>
>S."
>
>
>
>His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:
>***PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH***
>



yurtle - 7/30/2003 at 01:28 AM


> > There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his
> > > money. He was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money
> more
> >
> > > than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his
wife,
> > "Now
> > > listen, when I die I want you to take all my money and place it in the
> > > casket with me. Because I wanna take my money to the after life." So
he
> > got
> > > his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died, she
would
> > put
> > > all the money in the casket with him.
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > Well one day he died. He was stretched out in the casket, and the wife
> > was
> > > sitting there in black next to her closest friend. When they finished
> > the
> > > ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket,
the
> > > wife said "Wait just a minute!"
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > She had a shoebox with her and she came over with the box and placed
it
> > in
> > > the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and rolled it
> > away.
> > > Her friend said, "I hope you weren't crazy enough to put all that
money
> > in
> > > there with that stingy old man."
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > She said, "Yes, I promised. I'm a good Christian, I can't lie. I
> promised
> >
> > > him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > "You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket
with
> > > him?"
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my
> > account
> > > and I wrote him a check."


yurtle - 8/1/2003 at 03:29 AM

Andy Rooney on Vegetarians

"Vegetarian - that's an old Indian word meaning 'lousy hunter'"

=================================

Andy Rooney On Prisoners:

Did you know that it costs forty-thousand dollars a to year to house each prisoner? Jeez, for forty-thousand bucks apiece I'll take a few prisoners into my house. I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows.

I don't think we should give free room and board to criminals. I think they should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate electricity. And if they don't want to run, they can rest in the chair that's hooked up to the generator.


huntre - 8/2/2003 at 01:47 AM

What do you call a hooker with a runny nose?
Full.


PeachPlease - 8/2/2003 at 06:43 AM

I read this stupid joke off a popcicle stick.

What kind of key can't fit into a lock?

A monkey..

lol I think I need some sleep now.


yurtle - 8/2/2003 at 05:29 PM


Andy Rooney On Phone-In-Polls:

You know those shows where people call in and vote on different issues? Did you ever notice there's always like 18% that say "I don't know." It costs 90 cents to call up and vote and they're voting "I don't know."

Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the phone. (Says Into Phone) "I DON'T KNOW (and hangs up looking proud.)

Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe you're not sure about." This guy probably calls up phone sex girls for $2.95 to say, "I'm not in the mood."

===============================

Andy Rooney On Cripes:

My wife's from the Midwest. Very nice people there. Very wholesome. They use words like 'Cripes'. 'For Cripe's sake.' Who would that be;

Jesus Cripe's? The son of 'Gosh' of the church of 'Holy Moly'? I'm not making fun of it. You think I wanna burn in 'Heck'?

===============================

Andy Rooney On Grandma:

My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, 'Sexy Senior Citizen.' You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday.

===============================

Andy Rooney On Answering Machines:

Did you ever hear one of these corny, positive messages on someone's answering machine? Hi, it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is: "Share the love."

Beep. "Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic calling....Speaking of being positive, your test results are back. Stop sharing the love."

====================================================

Andy Rooney on Research

Because over the past few years, more money has been spent on breast implants and Viagra than is spent on Alzheimer's Disease research, it is believed that by the year 2030 there will be a large number of people wandering around with huge breasts and erections...who can't remember what to do with them.





yurtle - 9/6/2003 at 01:38 AM

A man appears before St. Peter at the pearly gates. "Have you ever done
> anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asks.
>
> "Well, I can think of one thing," the man offers. "Once, on a trip to
> the Black Hills, out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of
> high-testosterone bikers who were threatening a young woman. I
directed
> them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So I approached
the
> largest and most heavily tattooed biker. I smacked him on the head,
kicked
> his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground,
and
> told him, 'Leave
> her alone now or you'll answer to me.'"
>
> St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?"
> "Just a couple of minutes ago


CanPeach - 9/6/2003 at 02:13 AM

Two businessmen are having a drink in a fancy bar in Toronto, first guy tells his friend he has to go to Sudbury on a business trip, his friend laughs and says out loud, "The only people that come from Sudbury are hookers and hockey players!". They both laugh until a big burly fellow beside them puts his hand on the second guys shoulder.

"Hey," he says in a menacing voice, "My wife is from Sudbury!"

The second guy looks up and him and in a meek voice says..."So...what team does she play for?"


CliffnTina - 9/11/2003 at 11:41 PM

THE PERKS OF BEING 50+

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

3. No one expects you to run - anywhere.

4. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

7. Things you buy now won't wear out.

8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.

9. You enjoy hearing about other peoples' operations.

10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

11. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.

12. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

13. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the
room.

14. You sing along with elevator music.

15. Your eyes won't get much worse.

16. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

17. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather
service.

18. Your secrets are safe with your friends, because they can't remember
them
either.

19. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

20. You can't remember who sent you this list.


CliffnTina - 9/11/2003 at 11:42 PM

Chapter 1: GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER

1. Sag, You're it.

2. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.

3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.

4. Kick the bucket.

5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.

6. Doc Doc Goose.

7. Simon says something incoherent.

8. Hide and go pee.

9. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta.

10. Musical recliners.


CliffnTina - 9/11/2003 at 11:43 PM

Chapter 2: SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE

1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.

2. Your husband jokes that instead of buying a wood stove, he is using you
to
heat the family room this winter. Rather than just saying you are not
amused,
you shoot him.

3. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.

4. The Phenobarbital dose that wiped out the Heaven's Gate Cult gives you
four
hours of decent rest.

5. You change your underwear after every sneeze.

6. You're on so much estrogen that you take your Brownie troop on a field
trip
to Chippendale's.


CliffnTina - 9/11/2003 at 11:44 PM

Chapter 3: SIGNS OF WEAR

"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love" and
you
answer, "Pick one, I can't do both!"

"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes
and
you're barefoot.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens
the
garage door.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as
you
don't have to go along.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of
by
the police.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting a little action" means there's no need to take
any
fiber today.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking
lot.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... An "all-nighter" means not getting up to
pee.


yurtle - 9/21/2003 at 11:46 AM

> >
> >You Know You're Trailer Trash If.
> >
> >1. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your
spouse.
> >
> >2. You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table
in
front
> >of her kids.
> >
> >3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
> >
> >4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a
different
> >night.
> >
> >5. Jack Daniel's makes your list of "most admired people."
> >
> >6. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
> >
> >7. At least one member in your family has died right after saying,
"Hey,
> >y'all watch this."
> >
> >9. Your wife's hairdo has been ruined by a ceiling fan.
> >
> >10. Your junior prom had a daycare.
> >
> >11. You think the last words of the Star Spangled Banner are,
"Gentlemen
> >start your engines."
> >
> >12. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right
off its
> >wheels.
> >
> >13. The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on
how
> >much
> >gas is in it.
> >
> >14. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at
the
> >House of Tattoos.
> >
> >15. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law
against
> >it.
> >
> >16. Your toilet paper has page numbers &/or pictures on it.
> >
> >17. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool
Whip on
> >the
> >side....
> >
> >18. You thought the Uni-bomber was a wrestler...
> >
> >19. You've ever used your ironing board as a buffet table...
> >
> >20. You think a quarter horse is that ride out in front of the
K-Mart.
> >
> >21. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 dollars worth
of
> >improvement.
> >
> >22. You've ever used a toilet brush as a back scratcher.
> >
> >23. You've ever asked the preacher "How's it hangin'?"
> >
> >24. You missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty.
> >
> >
> >25. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.
> >
> >26. Somebody tells you that you've got something in your teeth and
you
take
> >them out to see what it is


les_paul_sunburst - 9/21/2003 at 02:32 PM

quote:
Q: what do you say to a guitarist in a three piece suit?

A: "will the defendant please rise?"


LOL

Q: What do you call a guitarist who just broke up with his girlfriend?

A: Homeless.


yurtle - 9/24/2003 at 09:04 PM

A timeless lesson on how consultants can make a difference for an
organization... Last week, we took some friends out to a new
restaurant, and I noticed that the waiter who took our order carried
a
spoon in his shirt pocket. It
seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and
utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I
looked around saw that all
the staff had spoons in their pockets.
When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"

"Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired a consulting firm
to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they
concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It
represents a drop frequency of approximately three spoons per table per
hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of
trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it
with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen
instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was impressed.

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.
Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string
hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter,
"Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"

"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so
observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can
save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of
you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the
need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by
76.39 percent."

"After you get it out, how do you put it back?"

"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the
spoon."


69firebird - 9/25/2003 at 02:13 AM

nebraska women
three men were traveling and happened to meet at a bar in ohio.
one man as from texas, one man was from florida, and one from nebraska.
they got aquainted and started talking about their problems ith their wives.

The guy from texas began by saying " itold my wife clearly that from now on she would have to do all the cooking. well, the first day i saw nothing. the second day i saw nothing. but on the third day when i came home from wok, the table was set, and a wonderful dinner was prepared with wine and even dessert."

the man from florida spoke up "I sat my wifr down aND TOLD HER that from now on she would have to do all the grocery shopping and all the house cleaning. the first day i saw nothing. the second day i saqw nothing. but the third day when i came home the whole house was spottless and in the pantry the shelves were filled with groceries."

the fellow from nebraska was married to a woman who had grown up in nebraska all her life. he sat straight up on the bar stool, pushed out his chest and said " i gave my wife a stern look and told her that from now on she would have to do all the cooking, shoppoing and house cleaning. well the first day i saw nothing. the second day i sa nothing. but by the third day icould see a little bit out of my left eye."


The_Newt - 9/25/2003 at 03:12 AM

Q-What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?
A-"I lost my tractor."


69firebird - 9/27/2003 at 04:42 PM

a man goes into a drug store and asks the clerk for some rubbers and pesticide. the clerk says dont you mean spermicide? the man says no my wife has a bug up her but and i am going in after it.


Bobo - 9/29/2003 at 04:23 PM

A nurse walks into a Grocery Store after work to pick up a few things. She wants to write a check, looks in her purse and can find only a rectal thermometer. "For Christ sakes," she exclaims, "that means some a-whole's got my pen!"


Jerry - 10/1/2003 at 09:26 PM

Signs around town

I don't suffer form insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

Consiousness-That annoying period between naps.

Police station robbed-toilet stolen-Cops have nothing to go on.

I take my mother-in-law to all kinds of places, she just keeps finding her way back


yurtle - 10/3/2003 at 01:02 AM

After 17 years of marriage, a man dumped his wife for a
younger woman.

The downtown luxury apartment was in his name and he
wanted to remainthere with his new love so he asked the wife
to move out and then he would buy her another place.

The wife agreed to this, but asked that she be given 3
days on her own there, to pack up her things.

While he was gone, the first day she lovingly put her
personal belongings into boxes and crates and suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect
her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at
their candlelit Dining table, soft music playing in the
background, and feasted on a pound of shrimp and a bottle of
Chardonnay.

When she had finished, she went into each room and
deposited a few of the resulting shrimp shells into the
hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen
and left.

The husband came back, with his new girl, and all was
bliss for the first few days. Then it started; slowly but
surely. Clueless, the man could not explain why the place
smelled so bad.

They tried everything; cleaned & mopped and aired the
place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, carpets were
steam cleaned, Air fresheners were hung everywhere.
Exterminators were brought in, the carpets were replaced, and
on it went.

Finally, they could take it no more and decided to move. The
Moving company arrived and did a very professional packing
job, taking everything to their new home...

...including the curtain rods.




yurtle - 10/4/2003 at 10:17 AM

Maude and Claude, both 91, lived in a retirement
community. They met in the social center and
discovered over time that they enjoyed each other's company.

After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Claude
asked Maude out for dinner and much to his delight, she accepted.

They had a lovely evening. They dined at the most
romantic restaurant in town. And despite his age,
Claude was still a charmer.

Afterward, Claude asked Maude to join him at his place for an
after-dinner drink. Things continued along a natural course and age
being no
inhibitor,
Maude soon joined Claude for a most enjoyable roll in the hay.
As they were basking in the glow of the magic moments they'd shared,
each
was
lost for a time in their own thoughts.

Claude was thinking: "If I'd known she was a virgin, I'd have been more
gentle."

Maude was thinking: "If I'd known he could still do it, I'd have taken
off my pantyhose."



yurtle - 10/4/2003 at 10:29 AM

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches the bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."



Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.



When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.



As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need - a new suit."



He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."



The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see...size
44 long."



Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"



"Been in the business 60 years!"



Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.



As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"



Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."



The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeve and 16-1/2 neck."



Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"



"Been in the business 60 years!"



Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.



As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?"



Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure."



The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see...9-1/2 E."



Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?"



"Been in the business 60 years!"



Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly.



Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"



Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure."



The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said , "Let's see...size 36."



Joe laughed "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old"



The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."


yurtle - 10/4/2003 at 10:30 AM

After many years a Jewish mother gets the phone call she never thought she'd get from her openly gay son.

"Mom, I've met a wonderful girl. I'm going straight, and we're going to get married." Mom is overjoyed, but can't really believe things are that good. "I suppose it's too much to ask that she's Jewish?" Her son says, "Mom, not only is she Jewish, but she happens to be from very wealthy and prominent Beverly Hills family." Mom is beside herself with joy and says: "You don't know how happy you've made me. What's her name?" The son says, "Monica Lewinsky."



Mom is silent for a moment and then says, "What happened to that nice Catholic boy you used to date?"


yurtle - 10/5/2003 at 11:57 PM

A woman was leaving Starbucks with her morning coffee when she noticed an unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was follwed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind. Behind the second hease was a solitary woman walking a pit bulldog on a leash. Behind were 200 women walking single file. The woman couldn't stand the curiosity. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?" The woman replied, "Well, that first hearse is for my husband." "What happened to him? The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him." She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"
The woman answered, "His girlfriend."
She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her." A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two women. "Can I borrow the dog?" "Get in line."


ABBDutchFan - 10/6/2003 at 06:12 PM

How about a Duane joke ?

Probably an old one and posted before:

A musician dies and goes to Heaven, and St. Peter takes him on the tour. As they stroll the golden streets, the man keeps hearing an incredible slide guitar playing. He thinks, "Ohmigosh, that's the best slide guitar I've ever heard. It just has to be Duane!!!" St. Peter never mentions it, so neither does he. They continue on, viewing the beautiful buildings and pearly gates, etc. St. Peter still doesn't mention the guitar, but it continues to play, and by now the man is simply drooling with excitement. "It must be Duane!" he thinks. "No one else plays like that!" As they reach the end of the tour, St. Peter says, "OK, well, before we go and get you fitted for wings, do you have any questions?" Quickly, the man says, "Yes, yes! That wonderful slide guitar...is it Duane? It's Duane Allman isn't it?" St. Peter rolls his eyes and says in a bored voice, "No, that's God. He just thinks he's Duane..."


yurtle - 10/8/2003 at 10:17 AM

ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659---CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY
>
>A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man
opposite
>her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat.
>
>This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man
seemed

>more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing,
she

>complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
>
>The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years
old)
what
>he had to say for himself.
>
>The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady
got on
>the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a
sweets
>sign that said , "The Double Mint Twins are Coming" and I grinned.
>
>Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Logan's Liniment
will

reduce
>the swelling", and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a
deodorant
>sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could
hardly
>contain myself.
>
>BUT, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign
that
>said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident"... I just
lost
>it."
>
>"CASE DISMISSED!!"



yurtle - 10/14/2003 at 10:46 PM

A Small White Dot

A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out something
exciting and relate it to the class the next day.

When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy
the teacher called on walked up to the front of the class, and with a
piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back
down.

Puzzled, the teacher asked him what it was.
"It's a period," he replied.

" I can see that," said the teacher, "but what is so exciting about a
period?"

Darned if I know," he said, "but this morning my sister was missing
one. Mommy fainted, daddy had a heart attack, and the boy next door
joined the army.


yurtle - 10/22/2003 at 12:39 AM

Corporate lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her
shower
when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over
which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly
wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door,
there
stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she can say anything, Bob
says,"I'll give you 800 dollars to drop that towel that you have on."
After
thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in
front
of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her 800 dollars and leaves.
Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up
in
the
towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets back to the bathroom, her
husband asks from the shower "Who was that?" "It was Bob, the next door
neighbor," she replies. "Great," the husband says, "did he say anything
about the 800 dollars he owes me?"

Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with
your
shareholders, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.


yurtle - 10/22/2003 at 12:41 AM

Corporate lesson 2:


A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road, he
stopped
and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and
crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg.
The
priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling
the car, he stealthfully slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at
him
and
immediately said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest was
flustered
and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand.
However, he
was unable to remove his eyes from her leg. Further on while changing
gear,
he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said,
"Father,
remember psalm 129?" Once again the priest apologized. "Sorry sister
but
the flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun got out gave him a
meaningful glance and went on her way. On his arrival at the church,
the

priest rushed to retrieve a Bible and looked up Psalm 129. It said,
"Go

forth and seek; further up, you will find glory."

Moral of the Story:
Always be well informed in your job, or you might miss a great
opportunity!



yurtle - 10/22/2003 at 12:43 AM

Corporate Lesson 3:


A sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager are walking to
lunch
when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out
in
a
puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so
I'll
give each of you just one."
"Me first! Me first!" says the administration clerk. "I want to be in
the
Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof!
She's gone.
In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be
in
Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless
supply
of pina coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.
"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of story:
Always let your boss have the first say.


yurtle - 10/22/2003 at 11:33 PM

A man in Topeka, Kansas, decided to write a book about churches around
>the country. He started by flying to San Francisco, and started working
>east from there. Going to a very large church, he began taking
>photographs and making notes.
>He spotted a golden telephone on the vestibule wall and was intrigued
>with a sign which read "$10,000 a minute." Seeking out the pastor he
>asked about the phone and the sign. The pastor answered that this golden
>phone is, in fact, a direct line to Heaven and if he pays the price he
>can talk directly to God. The man thanked the pastor and continued on
>his way.
>
>As he continued to visit churches in Seattle, Salt Lake, Denver,
>Chicago, Milwaukee, and around the United States, he found more phones,
>with the same sign, and the same answer from each pastor.
>
>
>Finally, he arrived in the lovely Blue Ridge Mountains of North
>Carolina. Upon entering a church, behold, he saw the usual golden
>telephone. But THIS time, the sign read "Calls: 25 cents." Fascinated,
>he asked to talk to the pastor. "Reverend, I have been in cities all
>across the country and in each church I have found this golden telephone
>and have been told it is a direct line to Heaven and that could talk to
>God, but, in the other churches the cost was $10,000 a minute. Your
>sign reads 25 cents a call.
>
>Why?"
>
>The pastor, smiling benignly, replied, "Son, you're in the South now,
>and it's a local call."




Jerry - 10/24/2003 at 12:21 AM

A group of nuns were on a bicycle trip across France to visit several cathedrals. Each day they would ride through the countryside laughing and giggling like schoolgirls. Each day the nuns seemed to enjoy the ride more and more. After going down a really rough country lane that seemed to have more potholes than road, the nuns fell off their bikes moaning and groaning and panting as if out of breath.
The mother superior looked at the sweaty red faces of the other nuns and said in a stern voice. "One more day like today and we'll have to put the seats back on the bikes."


gotdrumz - 10/26/2003 at 03:15 AM

Check this out :

A preacher was walking through the desert in Mexico and came upon a lil villiage. He asks a lil boy "where is the post office?" The lil boy answers "up on the hill over there" and points. Then the preacher thanks the lil boy and before walking away he decides to inform the lil boy why he is there. So he tells the lil boy about how he is gonna build a church and tell people how to get to heaven and... The lil boy interuppts him " I don't think so senor... you can't even find the post office"


yurtle - 11/4/2003 at 02:13 AM

TOP TEN REASONS WHY TRICK OR TREATING IS BETTER THAN SEX

10) You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in thesack.

9) If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again.

8) The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.

7) You don't have to compliment the person who gives you some.

6) It's O.K. when the person you're with fantasizes you're someone else,

because you are.

5) Forty years from now you'll still enjoy candy.

4) If you don't like what you get, you can always go next door.

3) It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.

2) Less guilt the morning after.

And the #1 Reason Trick Or Treating is better than sex

1) YOU CAN DO THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD!




trorrer - 11/4/2003 at 01:28 PM

Q: Why did Bach have twenty children?
A: His organ had not stops


TopDroog - 11/4/2003 at 03:10 PM

Q: Did you used to blow bubbles when you were a kid?

A: Yeah, sure.

A: Well, he's back in town, and he wants your number.


yurtle - 11/5/2003 at 09:40 PM

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other
stall saying: "Hi, how are you?"

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the men's restroom
but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, "Doin' just fine!"

And the other guy says: "So what are you up to?"

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this
is too bizarre so I say: "Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!"

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I
hear another question. "Can I come over?"

Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could
just be polite and end the conversation. I tell him, "No........I'm a little busy right now!!!"

Then I hear the guy say nervously...

"Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other
stall who keeps answering all my questions!!!"


Denza - 11/5/2003 at 10:39 PM

A little old lady had always wanted to join a local biker club.

One day she goes up and knocks on the club's door. A big, hairy, bearded biker guy with tattoos all over his arms answers the door. She proclaims, " I want to join your club." The biker was amused, but says she needs to meet certain biker requirements in order to join.

The biker asks, " Do you have a motorcycle?" The little old lady replies, "Yep ... my bikes parked over there," and points to a Harley in the driveway.

The biker asks, "Do you drink?" The little old lady replies, "Yep...drink like a fish. I'll drink any man in your club under the table."

The biker asks, "Do you smoke?" The little old lady replies, "Yep...smoke like a chimney. At least 4 packs a day and a couple of cigars in the evening when I'm shooting pool."

The biker is very impressed and asks, " Last Question. Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?" The little old lady thinks for a minute and says, "Nope...but I've been swung around by the nipples."


chris - 11/6/2003 at 02:09 AM

Q: What does a West Virginian say after she has sex???










A: Get up daddy, you're crushin' my Marlboro's!


Rubba - 11/6/2003 at 02:39 AM

Q: How do you turn a fruit into a vegetable???

A: Have a tiger bite it on the neck.





Almost ran off the road when i heard that this morning.....


WharfRat - 11/22/2003 at 02:38 AM

> > WHO SAID MEN AREN'T SENSITIVE?
> >
> > A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk,
> > they connect, they end up leaving together. They get
> > back to his place, and as he shows her around his
> > apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely
> > packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears. Hundreds of
> > cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the
> > floor,
> > cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher,
> > and
> > huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall.
> > .
> > The woman is surprised that this guy would have a
> > collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so
> > extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him,
> > and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.
> > .
> > She turns to him... they kiss... and then they rip
> > each
> > other's clothes off and make hot steamy love. After an
> > intense night of passion with this sensitive guy,
> > they are
> > lying there together in the afterglow; the woman rolls
> > over and a asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?"
> > .
> > The guy says: "Help yourself to any prize from the
> > bottom shelf."


WharfRat - 11/22/2003 at 02:39 AM

A family are sitting around the supper table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of breasts are there?"
The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts.
In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions." "Onions?" "Yes, see them and they make you cry."

This infuriated the wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kind of penises are there?"

The mother, surprised, smiles, and looks at her husband and answers, "Well, dear, a man goes through three phases. In a man's twenties, a his penis is like an oak, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."

"A Christmas tree?"

"Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are there for decoration only!"


yurtle - 11/22/2003 at 02:49 AM

A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some

cyanide.

The pharmacist asks, " Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady then explains that she needs it to poison her husband.

The pharmacist's eyes get big and he says, "Lord have mercy, lady, I can't

give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! They'll

throw both of us in jail and I'll lose my license."

Then the lady reaches into her purse and pulls out a picture of her

husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife and hands it to the

pharmacist.

The pharmacist looks at the picture for a minute and says, " Well now, why

didn't you tell me you had a prescription?"


Flavum - 11/22/2003 at 03:35 PM

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced; he decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise.

They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is.

"I want to be gorgeous," is the reply.

God snaps His fingers, and it is done.

The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too."

Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.

This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his a$$ off.

Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be.

The guy calms down and says:" Make 'em all ugly again"


Jack - 11/26/2003 at 08:45 PM

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag ?

One is white,made of plastic and very unsafe for children to play with and the other one is used to carry your groceries home from the store.


Rusty - 12/12/2003 at 01:25 PM

A city cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl named Mary on her new shiny bike stopped beside him.
"Nice bike" the cop said "did Santa bring it to You ?"
"Yep," the little girl said, "he sure did!"
The Cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $20 ticket for a safety violation.
The cop said, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it."
The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?"
"Yes," he sure did," chuckled the cop.
The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top."


Rusty - 12/12/2003 at 01:31 PM

There was a guy who had such a severe stuttering problem that he decided to see the doctor ......
The doc says, "Well, I'll have to examine you to see what's going on."

So he examines him, and says, "Well I think I know what the problem is."

The guy says, "Wwwell wwwhat is it, ddoc?"

Doc says, "Well, it's your penis, it's about a foot long and all the down pressure is putting strain on your vocal cords.

Guy says, "Wwwat cccan we ddo?"

Doc says, "Well, I can cut it off and transplant a shorter one."

Guy says, "Dddo it!"

The guy has the operation and three weeks later, he comes back into the doctor's office and says, "Doc, you solved the problem and I don't stutter any more, but I've only had sex once in the past three weeks. My wife doesn't like it any more. She liked it with my long one. I don't care if I have to stutter, I want you to put my long one back on."

The doc says, "Nnnnope. A ddddeal's a ddddeal!!!"


KAZIUP - 12/12/2003 at 03:04 PM

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?


KAZIUP - 12/18/2003 at 07:05 PM

A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast. "Would you
like bacon and eggs, perhaps? A slice of toast, maybe some
grapefruit, coffee?"

He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the
edge off my appetite."

At lunchtime, she asks if he would like something. "A
bowl of homemade soup, muffins, a cheese sandwich."

Again he declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really
trashes my desire for food."

Come dinnertime, she asks, "Would you like maybe a juicy
steak and hot apple pie? Even a microwave pizza or a tasty stir-fry - that
would only take a couple of minutes?"

He declines. "Naw, still not hungry."

"Well," she says, "would you mind letting me up? I'm starving


bluedrummer - 12/18/2003 at 08:16 PM

A young woman in her 20's finally thinks she's found her sugar daddy when she up and marries this skinny little 87 year old billionaire in Vegas. She figures one night with her and he'll seize up and she'll be on easy street. They hurry through the formalities and its off to the honeymoon penthouse.
He toddle's off to the bathroom while she slips into something that leaves little to the imagination. As she's preening on the bed she looks up and there he is standing in the doorway to the bathroom wearing nothing but a condom and ear and nose plugs. She says, " Daddy I'm into some pretty kinky stuff but what's with the condom and plugs".
He answers,"there's two things in this world I can't stand darlin', a woman's screams and the smell of burnin' rubber!"


yurtle - 12/27/2003 at 10:35 PM

The Red Light
>
>The light turns green, but the man doesn't notice. The woman waits,
>but
>the man doesn't notice the light change.
>
>The woman begins pounding on her steering wheel and yelling at the
>man
>to move. The man doesn't move. The woman is going ballistic inside
>her
>car, ranting and raving at the man, pounding on her steering wheel
>and
>dash.
>
>The light turns yellow. The woman begins to blow the car horn and
>scream
>curses at the man. The man, hearing the commotion, looks up, sees
>the
>yellow light and accelerates through the intersection just as the
>light
>turns red.
>
>The woman is beside herself, screaming in frustration as she misses
>her
>chance to get through the intersection.
>
>As she is still in mid-rant she hears a tap on her window and looks
>up
>into the barrel of a gun held by a very serious looking policeman.
>The
>policeman tells her to shut off her car while keeping both hands in
>sight. She complies, speechless at what is happening.
>
>After she shuts off the engine, the policeman orders her to exit her
>car
>with her hands up. She gets out of the car and he orders her to turn
>and
>place her hands on her car She turns, places her hands on the car
>roof
>and quickly is cuffed and hustled into the patrol car.
>
>She is too bewildered by the chain of events to ask any questions
>and is
>driven to the police station where she is fingerprinted,
>photographed,
>searched, booked and placed in a cell. After a couple of hours, a
>policeman approaches the cell and opens the door for her. She is
>escorted back to the booking desk where the original officer is
>waiting
>with her personal effects.
>
>He hands her the bag containing her things, and says, "I'm really
>sorry
>for this mistake. But you see, I pulled up behind your car while you
>were blowing your horn and cussing a blue streak at the car in front
>of
>you and then I noticed the "Choose Life" license plate holder and
>the
>'Follow Me to Sunday School' bumper sticker and the chrome plated
>Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally I assumed you had
>stolen the car.


yurtle - 12/30/2003 at 06:10 PM

The Perfect Couple
>
>
>Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a
perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding.
>
>Their life together was, of course, perfect.
>
>One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their
perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed
someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple,
they stopped to help.
>
>There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to
disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the
perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they
were driving along delivering the toys.
>
>Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect
couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them
survived the accident.
>
>Question: Who was the survivor?
>(Scroll down for the answer. Trust me, it's worth it)
>
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>









>Answer: The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really
existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no
Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.
>
>**** Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke. Men keep
scrolling.











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>
>So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the woman must have
been driving. This explains why there was a car
accident.
>
>
>Men Keep scrolling














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>By the way, if you're a woman and you're still reading, this
illustrates that women never listen!



yurtle - 1/6/2004 at 10:20 PM

An old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day.

The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail a few feet in front of the sheriff.

"Howdy, stranger."

"Howdy, sheriff."

The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of his horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big kiss where the sun don't shine. He dropped the horse's tail, stepped up on the walk and aimed toward the swinging doors of the saloon.

"Hold on there Mister", said the sheriff. "Did I just see what I think I saw?"

"Reckon you did, sheriff. I got me some powerful chapped lips" was the reply.

"And that cures them?" the sheriff asked.

"Nope, just keeps me from lickin 'em."


yurtle - 1/14/2004 at 09:47 PM

A pompous Baptist minister was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to
Texas. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The
cowboy

asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink.
He
replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by brazen whores than
let
liquor touch my lips."

The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me
too. I
didn't know we had a choice."



stellablue73 - 1/15/2004 at 01:51 PM

WHO SAYS REDNECKS AREN'T REAL BRIGHT??


Hello, is this the FBI?"

"Yes. What do you want?"

"I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Bob
Smith! He is
hiding marijuana inside his firewood."

"Thank you very much for the call, sir."



The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's
house. They
search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using
axes, they bust open every
piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swore at
Billy Bob and left..


The phone rings at Billy Bob's house.

"Hey, Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yep."

"Merry Christmas Buddy"



BeautifullyBroken - 1/15/2004 at 03:15 PM


Q: What's the true definition of a blonde?
A: Redhead with the fire of passion missing.
Q: What is the difference between a redhead and a computer?
A: Redhead won't accept a three and a half inch

Q: What do redheads and McDonald's have in common?
A: You've never had it so good and so fast.

Q: What's safer: a redhead or a pirahna?
A: The pirahna. They only attack in schools.

Q: How do you get a redhead to argue with you?
A: Say something like "I'm one of those males who love redheads, great jokes."

Q: How do you get a redhead's mood to change?
A: Wait 10 seconds

Q: Why aren't there any more redhead jokes?
A: Someone told them to a redhead.

Q: What do you call a Redhead with an attitude?
A: Normal








stellablue73 - 1/15/2004 at 03:20 PM

quote:
Q: What do you call a Redhead with an attitude?
A: Normal


my husband uses that one on me all the time...


BeautifullyBroken - 1/15/2004 at 03:29 PM

quote:
quote:
Q: What do you call a Redhead with an attitude?
A: Normal


my husband uses that one on me all the time...


haha...I've heard that myself more than once!


bluedrummer - 1/15/2004 at 06:33 PM

A man is suffering from priapism(look it up, this is supposed to be pg-13 right?) after days of pain he's at a loss as to what he can do. He finally goes tro his local pharmacy which is owned by two spinsterish sisters. They ask "How can we help?" He ties any number of ways to explain what the problem is, until exasperated he opens his zipper and displays the problem, "he says what can you give me for this?!?"
The sisters huddle for a few minutes then return to the man and say" We can give you $500.00 and a half share in the store."


yurtle - 1/16/2004 at 09:23 PM

An elderly lady with a dog, called Verizon to say that her telephone
failed
to ring when her friends called; and that on the few occasions when it
did
ring her dog always barked before the phone rang. The telephone
repairman
proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile
elderly
lady. He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and
dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring but the dog barked
loudly and then the telephone did ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground post via an iron
chain and collar.
2. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the phone
number was called.
3. After several such jolts, the dog would start barking and urinate on
the ground.
4. The wet ground would complete the circuit and the phone would ring.

Which shows you that some problems can be fixed by just pissing on
them.



yurtle - 2/19/2004 at 09:38 PM



Three men, one German, Japanese and a Hillbilly were

sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The German

pressed his forearm and the beeping stopped. The others looked at him

questioningly. "That was my pager," he said, "I have a micro chip under

the skin of my arm."



A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to

his ear. When he finished, he explained, "That was my mobile phone. I have

a micro chip in my hand."



The Hillbilly stood up and noticed he had a piece of toilet paper hanging

from his behind. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him. The

Hillbilly finally said; "Well, will you look at that, I'm getting a fax."


yurtle - 2/19/2004 at 09:41 PM

This little grandmother was surprised by her 7 year old grandson one morning. He had made her coffee. She drank what was the worst cup of coffee in her life. When she got to the bottom, there were three of those little green army men and she asked him why they were they and he said on TV they say, 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!'"


KAZIUP - 2/19/2004 at 09:54 PM

A stranger was seated next to little Tommy on the plane when the stranger turned to the boy and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
Little Tommy, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss."

"Oh, I don't know,"said the stranger. "how about nuclear power?"

" Ok," said little Tommy. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

"Jeez," said the stranger,"I have no idea."

"Well, then," said little Tommy, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know **** ?"


yurtle - 6/4/2004 at 01:17 AM

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome including toilet-flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD! Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two hamsters he holds prisoner in his room.

"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"

I put my best hamster-healer _expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom.

One of the little rodents was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed.

I immediately knew what to do. "Honey", I called, "come look at the hamster!"

"Oh my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies."

"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"

I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife.

"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired. (I actually think she said this sarcastically!)

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).

"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me. (Again with the sarcasm, you think?)

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."

"OH, Gross!" they shrieked.

"Well, isn't THAT just Great! What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little hamster babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was being snotty here, too, don't you?)

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. "We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.

"Its breech," my wife whispered, horrified. "Do something, Dad!" my son urged. "Okay, okay."

Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.

We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

"I don't think hamsters do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass. "What do you think, Doc, a c-section?" suggested scientifically.

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured.

"Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?" I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This hamster is not in labor.

In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they m....um....masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back."

He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron."

We were silent, absorbing this. "So Ernie's just...just...Excited," my wife offered.

"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood. More silence.

Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my FLAWLESS manliness.

Tears were now running down her face. "It's just...that...I'm picturing you pulling on its...
its...teeny little..." she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

"That's enough," I warned.

We thanked the Veterinarian and hurriedly bundled the hamsters and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me.

"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

2 Hamsters . $10
1 Cage ..... $20
1 Trip to the Vet .... $30
Memory of your husband pulling on a hamster's wacker. ...Priceless.


yurtle - 6/9/2004 at 11:28 PM

> > > **This one is for all of you who:
> > > a) have kids
> > > b) had kids
> > > c) was a kid
> > > d) know a kid!
> > >
> > > As I was packing for my business trip, my 3-year old daughter was
having
> >a
> > > wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point, she said,
"Daddy,
look
> >at
> > > this," and stuck out two of her fingers. Trying to keep her
entertained,
> >I
> > > reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said,
"Daddy's
> > > gonna eat your fingers!" Pretending to eat them before I rushed
out of
> >the
> > > room again. When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed
staring
> > > at her fingers with a devastated look on her face. I said,
"What's
> >wrong,
> > > honey?" She replied, "What happened to my booger?"


yurtle - 6/15/2004 at 08:57 PM

Only a Southerner knows the difference between a
hissie fit and a conniption fit, and that you don't
"HAVE" them, you "PITCH" them.
_____

Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens,
turnip greens, peas, beans, etc., make up "a mess."
_____

Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the
general direction of "yonder."
_____

Only a Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is
-- as in: "Going to town, be back directly."
_____

Even Southern babies know that "Gimme some sugar" is
not a request for the white, granular sweet substance
that sits in a pretty little bowl in the middle of the
table.
_____

All Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is. They
might not use the term, but they know the concept
well.
_____

Only a Southerner knows instinctively that the best
gesture of solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is
a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold
potato salad. If the neighbor's trouble is a real
crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin!
_____

Only Southerners grow up knowing the difference
between "right near" and "a right far piece." They
also know that "just down the road" can be 1 mile or
20.
_____

Only a Southerner, both knows and understands, the
difference between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and po'
white trash.
_____

No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with
the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a
turn.
_____

A Southerner knows that "fixin" can be used as a noun,
a verb, or an adverb.
_____

Only Southerners make friends while standing in lines.
We don't do "queues," we do "lines"; and when we're
"in line," we talk to everybody!
_____

Put 100 Southerners in a room and half of them will
discover they're related, even if only by marriage.
_____

Southerners never refer to one person as "ya'll."
_____

Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat
them.
_____

Every Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon,
grits, and coffee are perfectly wonderful; that red
eye gravy is also a breakfast food; and that fried
green tomatoes are not a breakfast food.
_____

When you hear someone say, "Well, I caught myself
lookin'," you know you are in the presence of a
genuine Southerner!
_____

Only true Southerners say "sweet tea" and "sweet
milk." Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots
of it -- we do not like our tea unsweetened. "Sweet
milk" means you don't want buttermilk.
_____

And a true Southerner knows you don't scream
obscenities at little old
ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say,
"Bless her heart" and go your own way.
_____

To those of you who're still a little embarrassed by
your Southerness:
Take two tent revivals and a dose of sausage gravy and
call me in the morning. Bless your heart!
_____

And to those of you who are still having a hard time
understanding all this Southern stuff, bless your
hearts, I hear they are fixin' to have classes on
Southernness as a second language!
_____

And for those that are not from the South but have
lived here for a long
time, ya'll need a sign to hang on ya'lls front porch
that reads "I aint from the South but I got here as
fast as I could."
_____

Bless your hearts, ya'll have a blessed day.


TopDroog - 6/16/2004 at 02:57 AM

I'm gonna rent a Hamster suit and follow Yurtle around his neighborhood.


tuna - 6/16/2004 at 04:10 AM

An Eskimo was having car trouble. He takes it to a mechanic.

The mechanic says "it looks like you blew a seal"

The Eskimo says "No, I just put too much mayo on my sandwich."


tuna - 6/16/2004 at 04:15 AM

Speaking of sandwiches...a ham sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender say "sorry we don't serve food here"


captskipper - 6/16/2004 at 04:28 AM

The Los Angeles Lakers


jim - 6/16/2004 at 03:37 PM

Why do the smurfs laugh when they frolic through the forest?

Because the grass tickles thier balls!


wavrnr - 6/16/2004 at 04:17 PM



A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer that was also a blonde.
The cop asked to see the blonde's driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. "What does it look like?" she finally asked.
The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."
The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said.
The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop.


yurtle - 6/16/2004 at 08:16 PM

Beware of Sailors



A young woman in New York was so depressed that she decided to end her life
by throwing herself into the ocean. She went down to the docks and was
about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her
tottering On the edge of the pier, crying.

He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off
to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship.

I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."
Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep
you happy, and you'll keep me happy." The girl nodded yes.

After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in Europe would
give her life new meaning.

That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From
then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit,
and they made mad passionate love until dawn.

Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the
captain.

"What are you doing here?" the captain asked.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food
and a trip to Europe, and he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," the captain said. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."


jim - 6/16/2004 at 08:32 PM

That is fantastic Yurtle, I'm rolling on the floor from that one!


toovakynd - 6/17/2004 at 02:46 AM

This wino lives in an alley across the street from a bar. every single night he sees the same guy go in the bar and leave with a different woman. The gut isn't that handsome, and oviously isn't rich, and the wino gets curious. So he goes up to the guy and asks him for his secret.
" It's simple. I walk up to a lady at the bar and say'tickle your ass with a feather?' I f she smiles at me i'm in. but if she looks mad I clear my throat and say' yes, particularly nasty weatherwe're having' and I'm in the clear"
The wino remembers this trick, and one day he finds a $20 bill, so he decides to get a drink at the bar and get a little action.
He walks up to a woman at the bar and says"Shove a feather up yer butt?" The woman sputters"excuse me?!" and the wino blurts out"Ahh...um... it's f*cking raining!"


yurtle - 6/21/2004 at 01:44 AM

One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and
asked, "Why are you crying?"

The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed the thimble to help her husband in making a living for the two of them.

The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden thimble.

"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, "No." The Lord again went down and came up with a wooden thimble. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. Again, the seamstress replied, "No." The Lord went down again and came up with a silver thimble. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, "Yes."

The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three
thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.

Some time later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the
riverbank, and her husband fell into the river. When she cried out,

The Lord again appeared and asked her, Why are you crying?" "Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the water!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with Mel Gibson. "Is this your husband?" the Lord asked. "Yes," cried the seamstress.

The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!" The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding.

You see, if I had said 'no' to Mel Gibson, you would have come up with Tom Cruise. Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to Mel Gibson."

The moral of this story is: Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honorable reason, and for the benefit of others.

That's our story, and we're sticking to it.


jim - 6/21/2004 at 02:12 PM

Luigi and Maria, an Italian couple, take a trip to the doctor because Maria is not feeling well. After examining Maria thoroughly, the Doctor asks Maria, "Maria, do you and your husband have intercourse?" Maria says, "Holda on, I'll be a right back." Maria goes out to the waiting room and asks her husband Luigi, "Luigi, do we a have intercourse?" Luigi says, "Maria, how a many times do I a have to tell you, we don't have a intercourse, we have a Blue Cross!!"


awman - 6/21/2004 at 04:43 PM

Q. What do you call a drummer who just broke up with his girlfriend?
A. Homeless.

Q. What do you call a guy who likes to hang out with musicians?
A. A drummer.


yurtle - 6/25/2004 at 02:05 AM

Chris Rock's "Quote of the Day!"

"You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named 'Bush', 'Dick', and 'Colon'. Need I say more?"


Rubba - 6/25/2004 at 03:29 AM

A man is suffering from erectile dysfunction, and his wife goes to a pharmacist to look into some possible remedies for it.

"Excuse me, sir. Are you the druggist?
"Yes I am.
"My husband is having some 'bedroom issues', and I've heard about this Viagra...
"Yes...
"Does it work?
"Well... its has been very successful in many cases.
"Have you tried it?
A bit taken aback by the question, the druggist looks around to ensure their privacy, and he answers her candidly.
"Why yes I have
"And it gives you nice big erections???
"Well... yes it does
"And you can get it over the counter?
The druggist smiles
"Yes... but only when I take two.



yurtle - 6/30/2004 at 12:49 AM

On the first day God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years." The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give you back the other ten." So God agreed.

On the second day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?" And God agreed.


On the third day God created the cow. God said, "You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty and I'll give back the other forty." And God agreed again.

On the forth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. I'll give you twenty years." Man said, "What? Only twenty years! Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty the cow gave back and the ten the monkey gave back and the ten the dog gave back, that
> makes eighty, okay?" "Okay," said God, "You've got a deal."



> > > So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, and enjoy
> > > ourselves; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our
> > > family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the
> > > grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and
> bark at everyone.
> > >
> > > Life has now been explained to you.
> > >
> > >
> > > Life is a journey ... NOT a guided tour


TopDroog - 6/30/2004 at 04:10 AM

Hey, that was pretty good. If the Sphinx had asked Oedipus that one, he would have been screwed (and not by his mama).


raven - 6/30/2004 at 05:03 AM

A horse walks into a bar, the bartender says "why the long face"


Butchboy - 6/30/2004 at 06:43 AM

What has 9 arms and sucks?









Def Leppard.........yeah I know, I'm goin to hell


yurtle - 7/20/2004 at 11:30 PM

A man takes the day off work and
decides to go out golfing.
He is on the second hole when he
notices a frog sitting next to
the green.
He thinks nothing of it and is

about to shoot when he

hears, Ribbit 9 Iron."

The man looks around and doesn't

see anyone. Again, he
hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." He looks
at the frog and decides to

prove the frog wrong, puts the
club away, and grabs a 9 iron.

Boom!
He hits it 10 inches from the

cup. He is shocked. He says
to the frog, "Wow that's amazing.

You must be a lucky frog, eh?

The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog."
The man decides to take the frog
with him to the next hole.

"What do you think frog?" the

man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood."

The guy takes out a 3 wood and,
Boom! Hole in one. The

man is befuddled and doesn't know

what to say. By the end

of the day, the man golfed the

best game of golf in his life and
asks the frog, "OK where to next?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas.


" They go to Las Vegas
and the guy says, "OK frog, now
what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon
approaching the roulette table, The man

asks, "What do you think I should
bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit
$3000, black 6."

Now, this is a
million-to-one shot to win, but
after the golf game the man

figures what the heck.

Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.

The man takes his winnings and
buys the best room in the
hotel. He sits the frog down and
says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you.
You've won me all this money and
I am forever grateful."

The frog replies,

"Ribbit Kiss Me."
He figures why not,

since after all the frog did for
him, he deserves it. With a
kiss, the frog turns into a
gorgeous 15-year-old girl. "And that,

your honor, is how the girl

ended up in my room. So help me God


or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton."


BeautifullyBroken - 7/21/2004 at 12:23 AM

Whoever thought up the word "Mammogram"? Every time I hear it, I think I'm supposed to put my breast in an envelope and send it to someone.
~ Jan King

When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country.
~ Elayne Boosler

A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car.
~ Carrie Snow




Mike - 7/21/2004 at 12:30 AM

quote:
A man takes the day off work and
decides to go out golfing.
He is on the second hole when he
notices a frog sitting next to
the green.
He thinks nothing of it and is

about to shoot when he

hears, Ribbit 9 Iron."

The man looks around and doesn't

see anyone. Again, he
hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." He looks
at the frog and decides to

prove the frog wrong, puts the
club away, and grabs a 9 iron.

Boom!
He hits it 10 inches from the

cup. He is shocked. He says
to the frog, "Wow that's amazing.

You must be a lucky frog, eh?

The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog."
The man decides to take the frog
with him to the next hole.

"What do you think frog?" the

man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood."

The guy takes out a 3 wood and,
Boom! Hole in one. The

man is befuddled and doesn't know

what to say. By the end

of the day, the man golfed the

best game of golf in his life and
asks the frog, "OK where to next?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas.


" They go to Las Vegas
and the guy says, "OK frog, now
what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon
approaching the roulette table, The man

asks, "What do you think I should
bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit
$3000, black 6."

Now, this is a
million-to-one shot to win, but
after the golf game the man

figures what the heck.

Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.

The man takes his winnings and
buys the best room in the
hotel. He sits the frog down and
says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you.
You've won me all this money and
I am forever grateful."

The frog replies,

"Ribbit Kiss Me."
He figures why not,

since after all the frog did for
him, he deserves it. With a
kiss, the frog turns into a
gorgeous 15-year-old girl. "And that,

your honor, is how the girl

ended up in my room. So help me God


or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton."




THAT is good!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Mike


MundeleinHoward - 7/21/2004 at 01:28 AM

...So a dog,a cat & a mushroom walk into a saloon & sit down at the bar.
Bartender comes up to them, asks the dog & cat what they'd like to drink,
goes off, gets their drinks,returns & serves them.The mushroom watches this,then asks the bartender "how come you didn't take my order?" Bartender says"I don't serve your kind"
Mushroom says "why not? I'm a fun guy!"


Bobo - 7/21/2004 at 01:14 PM

Fred and Ethel Mertz are watching the tube when a commercial for Viagra comes on - Fred's eyes get as big as saucers and when the commercial is over, he grabs his hat & coat and heads for the door. Ethel says, "Just where do you think you're going?" Fred says, "I'm gonna get me some of that Viagra!!" With that, Ethel jumps up out of her chair saying, "Just wait a minute!!! - I'm going too. I'll need a tetanus shot if you're going to pull out that rusty old thing."


yurtle - 10/23/2004 at 02:30 PM

A carrot, an egg, and a cup of coffee .You will never look at a cup
of coffee the same way again.

A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life and how
things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to
make it
and wanted to give up. She was tired of fighting and struggling. It
seemed as one problem was solved, a new one arose.

Her mother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water
and placed each on a high fire. Soon the pots came to boil. In the
first she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and in the
last
she placed ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boil, without
saying
a word.

In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She fished the
carrots
out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them
in
a bowl. Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl.
Turning to
her daughter, she asked, "Tell me, what do you see?"

"Carrots, eggs, and coffee," she replied. Her mother brought her
closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they
were soft. The mother then asked the daughter to take an egg and break
it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard boiled
egg. Finally, the mother asked the daughter to sip the coffee. The
daughter smiled as she tasted its rich aroma. The daughter then asked,
"What does it mean, mother?"

Her mother explained that each of these objects had faced the same
adversity ... boiling water .. each reacted differently.

The carrot went in strong, hard, and unrelenting. However, after
being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak.

The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its
liquid interior, but after sitting through the boiling water, its
inside
became hardened.

The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in
the boiling water, they had changed the water.

"Which are you?" she asked her daughter. "When adversity knocks on
your
door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg, or a coffee bean?"

Think of this: Which am I? Am I the carrot that seems strong, but with
pain and adversity do I wilt and become soft and lose my strength?

Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with
the heat? Did I have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a breakup,
a financial hardship or some other trial, have I become hardened
and stiff? Does my shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter
and tough with a stiff spirit and hardened heart?

Or am I like the coffee bean? The bean actually changes the hot water,
the
very circumstance that brings the pain. When the water gets hot, it
releases the fragrance and flavor. If you are like the bean, when
things
are at their worst, you get better and change the situation around
you.
When the hour is the darkest and trials are their greatest, do you
elevate yourself to another level?

How do you handle adversity? Are you a carrot, an egg, or a coffee
bean?


Slammer - 10/23/2004 at 09:11 PM

An old man marries a young woman, and though they’re in love, the wife can’t achieve an orgasm.

They ask a psychiatrist for advice. He says, “Hire a strapping young man. While you’re making love, have him wave a towel over your bodies.”

The couple’s desperate, so they hire a male escort to wave a towel. But despite a lengthy lovemaking session, the wife still can’t get off. Willing to try anything, the husband and the strapping young stallion switch positions.

The guy goes to work, and the wife quickly has an earthshaking orgasm.

The husband smiles and says triumphantly, “You see, young fella? That’s how you wave a towel!”


gotdrumz - 10/24/2004 at 03:02 PM

This preacher is walking through the desert in Mexico. He comes across this lil boy in the outskirts of town and asks for directions to the local post office. After the boy gives him directions, the preacher thanks him and begins to go on his way. Taking on a few steps, he turns to the boy and explains why he has come to this town. He says" I am gonna tell everyone about Jesus and how they can get to heaven" The lil boy shakes his head and replies to the preacher " I don't think so, you didn't even know how to get to the post office"


yurtle - 10/25/2004 at 08:24 PM

I was out walking with my then 4 year old daughter. She picked up
something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth.

I asked her not to do that.

"Why ?"

"Because it's been laying outside and it is dirty and probably
has germs."

At this point, she looked at me with total admiration and asked,
"Wow! How do you know all this stuff?

"Uh," I was thinking quickly,
"...all moms knows this stuff. Um, it's on the Mommy Test. You
have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mommy."

We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.



"OH...I get it!" she beamed, "So if you flunk, you have to be the Daddy."


tuna - 10/25/2004 at 08:42 PM

here's one I heard this weekend...

A guy is walking around with his car keys looking for his car...he spots a police officer and says "I think my car was stolen! It was right here at the end of my key!". So, the police officer is talking to him and getting information and notices the guys fly is down..."your fly is down sir." He says, "Darn! They got my girlfriend too!"

Joe Eli told this at the Clark, Eli, Hiatt, Lovett concert the other night so don't yell at me.

[Edited on 10/25/2004 by tuna]


Rusty - 10/25/2004 at 11:27 PM

Okay here's one. Don't stop me if you've heard it.

An Amish woman and her daughter were traveling down the road in a horse drawn wagon. "Brrr!" Said the girl. "My hands are cold." "Well, put them between your legs and they'll warm up", offered her mother. The girl did as she was told, and sure enough her hands did warm up.

A day or so later, the Amish girl was traveling in the wagon alone. She saw a young man walking and offered him a ride.

Once in the wagon, the young man complained that his hands were cold. "Put them between my legs and they'll warm up", offered the girl. So the young man put his hands between the girls legs.

After a short while, the boy said, "you know, my nose is awfully cold, too". The girl thought about it and offered to let him put his nose between her legs, which he did promptly.

A little further down the road the boy stood up, dropped his pants and said, "look! My penis is frozen solid". Being a good humanitarian the girl offered to let him place his penis between her legs.

The next day the girl was talking with her mother. "Mother, have you ever heard of a penis?" "Why yes", replied her mother. "why do you ask?" The daughter replied, "Those thing sure do make a mess when they thaw out, don't they?"


The_Newt - 10/26/2004 at 09:41 PM

Q:What's the difference between deer nuts and beer nuts?
A:Beer nuts are $3 but deer nuts are under a buck.


ABBstillrockin04 - 10/26/2004 at 09:50 PM

I've heard that one before.... anyone in the mood for some dirty jokes?


The_Newt - 10/26/2004 at 09:53 PM

quote:
I've heard that one before.... anyone in the mood for some dirty jokes?



Post 'em!


StandingBack70 - 10/27/2004 at 01:21 AM

quote:
quote:
I've heard that one before.... anyone in the mood for some dirty jokes?



Post 'em!
^Bumpty Bump.


ABBstillrockin04 - 10/27/2004 at 01:21 AM

quote:
Okay here's one. Don't stop me if you've heard it.

An Amish woman and her daughter were traveling down the road in a horse drawn wagon. "Brrr!" Said the girl. "My hands are cold." "Well, put them between your legs and they'll warm up", offered her mother. The girl did as she was told, and sure enough her hands did warm up.

A day or so later, the Amish girl was traveling in the wagon alone. She saw a young man walking and offered him a ride.

Once in the wagon, the young man complained that his hands were cold. "Put them between my legs and they'll warm up", offered the girl. So the young man put his hands between the girls legs.

After a short while, the boy said, "you know, my nose is awfully cold, too". The girl thought about it and offered to let him put his nose between her legs, which he did promptly.

A little further down the road the boy stood up, dropped his pants and said, "look! My penis is frozen solid". Being a good humanitarian the girl offered to let him place his penis between her legs.

The next day the girl was talking with her mother. "Mother, have you ever heard of a penis?" "Why yes", replied her mother. "why do you ask?" The daughter replied, "Those thing sure do make a mess when they thaw out, don't they?"


LMAO... Yes they do


BigDaveOnBass - 10/27/2004 at 01:27 AM

Finally, a bumper sticker for BOTH political parties!

The hottest selling bumper sticker comes from New York State

"RUN HILLARY RUN"

Democrats put it on the rear bumper.

Republicans put it on the front bumper


ABBstillrockin04 - 10/30/2004 at 01:45 PM

Husband: Shall we try a new positon tonight?

Wife: Sure. You stand by the ironing board and I'll sit on the couch and drink beer and fart!


ABBstillrockin04 - 10/30/2004 at 01:48 PM

What do a bungee jump and a Hooker have in common?
They're both cheap, fast, and if the rubber breaks, you're dead.

How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
Give him a used tampon and ask him what period it came from.


rdj4 - 10/30/2004 at 02:00 PM

Three baseball fans were on their way from a game when they
noticed a foot
sticking out of the bushes by the side of the road.
They looked and discovered a nude woman, drunk and passed out.
Out of respect for the lady, the Cubs fan took off his cap and
placed it over her right breast.
The Red Sox fan took off his cap and placed it over her left breast.
Following their lead, the Yankee fan took off his cap and placed it
over her crotch.
The police were called and when the officer arrived, he conducted
his inspection.
First, he lifted up the Cubs cap, replaced it, and wrote down some
notes.
Next, he lifted the Sox cap, replaced it, and wrote down some more
notes.
The officer then lifted the Yankees cap, replaced it, then lifted it
again, replaced it,
lifted it a third time, and replaced it one last time.
The Yankee fan was getting upset and finally asked, "What are you, a
pervert or something?
Why do you keep lifting and looking, lifting and looking?"
Well," said the officer, "I am simply surprised.
Normally when I look under a Yankees hat, I find an a$$h***"


ABBstillrockin04 - 10/30/2004 at 03:45 PM

That's not the right joke, it's suppose to be the Jeff gorden is an ass****


jamminpappy - 10/31/2004 at 01:33 AM

While there is a CSI Vegas , New York and Miami, how come there's no CSI W. Virginia? ...They have no dental records and all the DNA matches!


MikeBremer - 10/31/2004 at 01:43 AM


ILABB - 10/31/2004 at 08:55 PM

Monica Lewinski is going to vote Republican this term. Apparently, The last Democrat President left a bad taste in her mouth!


ABBstillrockin04 - 10/31/2004 at 08:56 PM

That was in appropriate


ILABB - 10/31/2004 at 08:59 PM

OK then.............it's Halloween so my husband and I are going as a horse. I'm going to be the head in front.....................and he's going as himself!!


ABBstillrockin04 - 10/31/2004 at 09:02 PM

I was just kidding .... I hoop your husband don't have gas


ILABB - 10/31/2004 at 09:05 PM

I hope he does, otherwise how will he drive.............


ABBstillrockin04 - 10/31/2004 at 09:07 PM

How do you get a nun pregnant? Dress her up like a little boy ahhh that was lame


ILABB - 10/31/2004 at 09:49 PM

Any humor is better than none. I'm blonde so I'm not offended by blonde jokes, but How do you get a blonde to marry you????? Give up?...............Tell her she's pregnant!!


ABBstillrockin04 - 10/31/2004 at 09:51 PM

heh, I've got blonde hair.. not that I'm dumb I can be though


PeterNelson - 11/1/2004 at 01:02 AM

I'm dark blond, formerly white blond as a kid (and slowly getting lighter again ), so I have mixed feelings about blonde jokes. Just last week at the grocery store checkout lane, I made some derogatory remark about another shopper, and the cashier goes, "What, is she blonde?" So, in that case (no joke, just an insult), I had to point out that my ultrablonde niece, since she was 8, has been reading at a 6+-year higher level.

Almost any blonde joke in the old days could as well have been a _____ [insert name of despised ethnic group here] joke. Those properly became regarded as uncool and un-PC, but somehow the derision has shifted to blondes more than ever before (there seems always to have been a dumb or ditzy blonde stereotype, which might have stemmed from the old "dumb Swede" stereotype of immigration days, which has at least been transformed into "happy-go-lucky Swede").

Nevertheless, the traffic stop joke (wavrnr's from June) cracked me up! When I retell it, I'll just have to change the characters' "identity group." But to what? Any other group will fit the joke but will make it bigoted, as though it's not bigoted to mock blondes.

Pardon the nonhumorous discussion! You think I'm bad, you should hear my cousin defend her son and two beautiful daughters against blonde jokes. Carry on!

[Edited on 2004.11.1 by PeterNelson]


ILABB - 11/1/2004 at 01:15 AM

I'm confused PeterNelson are you male or female?


bird72 - 11/1/2004 at 01:24 AM

What do you get if you cross an Agnostic, an Insomniac, and a Dyslexic?





Someone who stays up all night wondering if there is a dog.


ILABB - 11/1/2004 at 01:36 AM

I don't know what to say except I have to go to the bathroom now , I am laughing so hard.............................LOLLOLOLOLOL, I'm lexdixic as well but you can't tell by my laughs!!


PeterNelson - 11/1/2004 at 06:34 PM

Sorry--reply with wordplay but again no joke content

quote:
I'm confused PeterNelson are you male or female?
What am I, ILABB--a lab subject? I'm a man.


ILABB - 11/1/2004 at 06:34 PM

LOL! I always thought that from your name but being offended by a blonde joke made me think twice!! Lol!!!!!


ILABB - 11/1/2004 at 06:39 PM

BTW, how many physciatrists does it take to change a light bulb? One, but it has to want to change!!


brocklang - 11/1/2004 at 08:57 PM

Why does Kobe Bryant cry during sex?


That's what mace will do to you.


BillSchmidt - 11/1/2004 at 09:36 PM

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs?......................... in front of a door?.................Matt!
on the wall?.........................Art!
in a pool? ............................Bob!
on waterskiis?.......................Skip!
before Congress?..................Bill!
in front of a church pew?.......Neil!
in a Starbucks cup?...............Joe!
shaving?...............................Nick!
on a bush?...........................Barry!
In a bun?.............................Frank!
on a score card?...................Mark!
without any money?.............Owen!
at a bank heist?....................Rob!
with a lot of money?..............Rich!
in a kettle?..........................Stu!
in a pile of leaves?.................Russel!
What do you call two men with no arms an no legs above a window?.......
.....................Curt & Rod!
What do you call a one-legged woman?
......................Eileen!
What to you call a woman with no arms and no legs?....................
on a finger?..........................Opal!
on a fish hook?......................Barb!
in the morning?.....................Dawn!
on a sesame seed bun?..........Patty!
calling her lawyer?.................Sue!
in a red coat?.......................Torrie!


[Edited on 11/5/2004 by BillSchmidt]


yurtle - 11/1/2004 at 10:16 PM

Subj: BLONDE WINS A MOTORHOME



you are going to love this one........



>A blonde goes into a restaurant and notices there's a "peel and win"

>sticker on her coffee cup.

>

>So she peels it off and starts screaming, "I've won a motorhome! I've

won a

>motorhome!"

>

>The waitress says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize is a free

lunch."



>But the blonde keeps on screaming, "I've won a motorhome! I've won a

>motorhome!"

>

>Finally, the manager comes over and says, "Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're

>mistaken. You couldn't have possibly won a motorhome because we didn't

have

>that as a prize!"

>

>The blonde says, "No, it's not a mistake. I've won a motorhome!"

>And she hands the ticket to the manager and he reads ..

>

"W I N A B A G E L"


ABBstillrockin04 - 11/2/2004 at 12:02 AM

Love those redneck jokes


gina - 11/2/2004 at 12:40 AM

Well ABBstillrockin' here's one for you. A husband is very happy his wife does his laundry and he doesn't want to criticize her, but he keeps noticing powder in his underwear after she launders them. Finally he asks her, why do you keep putting all that powder in my underwear? She says, it's not powder, it's miracle gro!


ABBstillrockin04 - 11/2/2004 at 12:42 AM

... I've heard better ... where all the jokesters tonight


ILABB - 11/2/2004 at 02:47 AM

Pardon putting my class aside for a moment.................But, did you know November 2nd has been declared a day of Celibacy.....Yes it's true. No Bush and No Dick!
The thought expressed above is a joke and not to be taken seriously. Thank You / management



[Edited on 11/2/2004 by ILABB]


yurtle - 11/2/2004 at 09:44 PM

Did you here Maury Povich was divorcing(sp) Connie Chung?


He got pissed this mornig when she said" I'll see you later, I'm going to cover the erection today"


yurtle - 11/2/2004 at 09:47 PM

John Kerry gets elected and is spending his first night in
the White House. He has waited so long..........


The ghost of George Washington appears, and Kerry says,
"How can I best serve my country?"


Washington says, "Never tell a lie."

"Ouch!" Says Kerry, "I don't know about that."



The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson appears...
Kerry says, "How can I best serve my country?"

Jefferson says, "Listen to the people."

"Ohhh! I really don't want to do that."



On the third night, the ghost of Abe Lincoln appears...
Kerry says, "How can I best serve my country?"

Lincoln says, "Go to the theater."




EddieP - 11/2/2004 at 11:11 PM

A woman with no arms and no legs was lying by the ocean. A man came walking by, and the woman said, "I have never been hugged before. Could you please hug me?" So the man picked her up and gave her a big hug.

Later on another man came walking by, and the woman said, "I have never been kissed before. Could you please kiss me?" So the man picked her up and gave her a nice big kiss.

Later on a third man came walking by, and the woman said, "I have never been Fu@ked before. Could you please Fu@k me?"

So the man picked her up, threw her in the river, and yelled, "You’re Fu@ked now!"


...sorry


[Edited on 11/3/2004 by EddieP]


ABBstillrockin04 - 11/2/2004 at 11:34 PM

Don't be That was pretty funny


ILABB - 11/3/2004 at 03:33 AM

..........at what point did we lose control here?................ok, cleaned up a bit.............This yuppie was parking his BMW and as he got out, a car speeding by took off the door. He stood in the street yelling: "my Beamer, my Beamer"." Look what someone did to my Beamer.:" A cop pulled up to make a police report and he said to the guy:"You yuppies all make me sick....you're so into material things you did'nt even notice that car ripped your arm off with the door"!.......The yuppie sreamed "My Rolex, My Rolex"!!


MikeBremer - 11/3/2004 at 04:29 AM


yurtle - 11/5/2004 at 08:55 PM

TEACHER: Cindy, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
CINDY: You told me to do it without using tables!


yurtle - 11/7/2004 at 02:34 AM

A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While
> on the operating table, she had a near death experience.
> Seeing God, she asked, "Is my time up?
> "God said, "No, my child, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to
> live."
> Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face
> lift, Liposuction and tummy tuck. Since she had so much more time to live,
> she figured she might as well look even nicer. After her last operation,
> she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way
> home, she was hit and killed by an ambulance.
> Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another
> 40 years? Why didn't you pull me out of the path of the ambulance?
> "God replied, "Girrllllllll, I didn't even recognize you."


FarmerMaggie - 11/7/2004 at 04:18 AM

What's the difference between an elephant and a basket of eggs?















































If you're not sure then we won't let you buy the eggs.


FarmerMaggie - 11/7/2004 at 04:20 AM

Where does a 2 ton elephant sit?




























Anywhere he wants.


FarmerMaggie - 11/7/2004 at 04:22 AM

What time is it when the elephant sits on you fence?



























Time to get a new fence.


FarmerMaggie - 11/7/2004 at 04:26 AM

What time is it when the two ton elephant sits on the fragile basket of eggs?




























































































2004-2008


ILABB - 11/7/2004 at 04:29 AM

Ouch!!


FarmerMaggie - 11/7/2004 at 06:55 PM

From Garrison's show today :

Bush does have a plan to help Social Security....




















































Influenza


MikeBremer - 11/7/2004 at 10:56 PM


yurtle - 11/10/2004 at 12:56 AM

TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water?
SARAH: H I J K L M N O!!
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
SARAH: Yesterday you said it's H to O!


ILABB - 11/10/2004 at 01:46 AM

This guy was in a bar drinkin' like there was no tomorrow, and finally the bartender became concerned and said: 'Hey buddy, you've been cryin' in your scotch all night, what's wrong." The drunk looked up and replied: My wife and I (hiccup) got into a (hiccup) fight, and (Hiccup), she said she won't speak to me for a year (hiccup)." The Bartender smiled and said, that's not so bad, just think....no nagging for a year" ! And the drunk husband looked up and said:" (Hiccup) I know.....Today is the last day!!!! hiccup"


yurtle - 11/10/2004 at 01:52 AM

Train Ticket

For you women

Three women and three men are traveling
by train to the Super Bowl.

At the station,
the three men each buy a ticket
and watch as the three women
buy just one ticket.

"How are the three of you going
to travel on only one ticket?"
asks one of the men.

"Watch and learn,"
answers one of the women.

They all board the train.
The three men take their respective seats
but all three women cram into a toilet together
and close the door.

Shortly after the train has departed,
the conductor comes around
collecting tickets.
He knocks on the toilet door and says,
"Ticket, please."

The door opens just a crack,
and a single arm emerges
with a ticket in hand.

The conductor takes it and moves on.

The men see this happen
and agree it was quite a clever idea;
so, after the game,
they decide to do the same thing
on the return trip
and save some money.

When they get to the station
they buy a single ticket for
the return trip
but see,
to their astonishment,
that the three women
don't buy any ticket at all!!

"How are you going to travel
without a ticket?"
says one perplexed man.

"Watch and learn,"
answer the women.

When they board the train,
the three men cram themselves
into a toilet,
and the three women cram
into another toilet just down the way.

Shortly after the train is on its way,
one of the women leaves her toilet
and walks over to the toilet
in which the men are hiding.

The woman knocks
on their door and says,
"Ticket, please."

I'm still trying to figure out why
men ever think they are smarter
than women!!!


marco - 11/10/2004 at 04:46 AM

After reading the title of another topic about the re-uniting of Cream
I just couldn't resist, apoligies to all Ginger fans.

What do Ginger Baker and coffee have in common ?




They both suck without Cream.

[Edited on 11/10/2004 by marco]

[Edited on 11/10/2004 by marco]


leftyblues - 11/10/2004 at 04:55 AM

LMAO Marco


DougMacKenzie - 11/10/2004 at 05:21 AM

Ya'll a sick bunch.


yurtle - 11/10/2004 at 09:42 PM


yurtle - 11/10/2004 at 09:43 PM

Should Children Witness Childbirth?


Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The
house
was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-year-oldgirl,
to
hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped
deliver the baby. Very diligently Kathleen did as she was asked. Her
mother Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while Connor was
born.

The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his
bottom.
Connor began to cry.

The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the
wide-eyed
3-year-old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the
first place. Smack his ass again."





yurtle - 11/15/2004 at 10:06 PM

This happened about a month ago just outside a little town
in the low country of South Carolina, and while it sounds
like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's real.

This guy was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a
real dark night in the middle of a thunder storm. Time
passed slowly and no cars went by.

It was raining so hard he could hardly see his hand in front
of his face.

Suddenly he saw a car moving slowly approaching and
appearing ghostlike in the rain.

It slowly crept toward him and then stopped.
Wanting a ride real bad, the guy jumped in the car
and closed the door, only to then realize
that there was nobody behind the wheel.

The car slowly started moving again,and the guy was
terrified, too scared to think of jumping out and running.

The guy saw that the car was slowly approaching a sharp
curve, still too scared to jump out, he started to pray and
begging for his life; he was sure the ghost car would go
off the road and into the marsh, where he would surely drown.

Just before the curve, a hand appeared thru the driver's
window and turned the steering wheel, guiding the carsafely around the bend.

Paralyzed with fear, the guy watched the hand reappear
every time they reached a curve.
Finally the guy, scared to near death, had all he could
take and jumped out of the car and ran to town.

Wet and in shock, he went into a little
bar and voice quavering, ordered two shots of whiskey, then
told everybody about his supernatural experience.


A silence followed and everybody got goose bumps when they
realized the guy was telling the truth and was not just some
drunk.


About half an hour later two guys walked into the bar and one says to the other:
"Look Bubba, der's dat idiot that rode in
our car when we was pushin it in the rain."


ILABB - 11/15/2004 at 11:11 PM

I'm with Roseanne Barr on her birth control method. "Every night before bed she and her husband spend one hour with the kids!!"


ILABB - 11/15/2004 at 11:18 PM

LOL Marco!


yurtle - 11/16/2004 at 01:30 AM

A Minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday Sermon. Four worms were placed into four separate jars.


The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a jar of sperm.
The fourth worm was put into a jar of good clean soil.


At the conclusion of the Sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol - dead..
Second worm in cigarette smoke - dead.
Third worm in sperm - dead.
Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive




So the Minister asked the congregation - "What can you learn from this demonstration?


A little old woman in the back quickly raised her hand and said; "As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't have worms."


WharfRat - 11/16/2004 at 01:35 AM

LMAO!!

Havent check this in awhile..

You peeps are SICK


ABBstillrockin04 - 11/16/2004 at 02:04 AM


FarmerMaggie - 11/16/2004 at 06:12 AM

These two guys walk into a bar......
































... would have thought the second guy could have figured it out...


yurtle - 11/17/2004 at 10:39 PM

An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her
car,
found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped
her
shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of
her
voice, "I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!"

The four men didn't wait for a second invitation. They got out and ran
like
mad. The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping
bags
into the back of the car and got into driver's seat. She was so shaken
that
she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and
then
it dawned on her why.

A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces
farther down. She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police
station. The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop
laughing.
He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were
reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white,
less
than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large
handgun. No charges were filed.


yurtle - 11/19/2004 at 10:12 PM



A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down. A lady cashier
walked up to him and said, "Your barracks door is open." Not a phrase
that men normally use, he went on his way looking a bit puzzled.

When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said, "Your fly is
open." He zipped up and finished his shopping.

At the checkout, he intentionally got in the line where the lady was
that
told him about his "barracks door." He was planning to have a little
fun
with her so when he reached the counter he said, "When you saw my
barracks
door open, did you see a soldier standing in there at attention?"

The lady (naturally smarter than the man) thought for a moment and
said,

"No, no I didn't. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on a couple
of
old duffel bags.


MikeBremer - 11/19/2004 at 11:25 PM


ILABB - 11/20/2004 at 12:03 AM

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?......................one.....but it has to want to change


FarmerMaggie - 11/20/2004 at 02:49 PM

this isn't actually a joke...
it is exerpted from an email ramble from my (real)brother 'Larry'...

"...... So I was at an NBA basketball game the other night and a South American football (soccer) game broke out.....

Or how about this one from the trailer for the mid 70's James Caan movie Rollerball:
In the year 2004, there is no more battles, no more wars, there is only...
NBA BASKETBALL..........."


BANANAMAN - 11/20/2004 at 05:03 PM

Did you hear the one about the agnostic, dyslexic, insomniac? He would lie awake at night and ponder the existence of dog.


yurtle - 11/20/2004 at 08:56 PM

quote:
this isn't actually a joke...
it is exerpted from an email ramble from my (real)brother 'Larry'...



(real) as opposed to (imaginary) ?


ILABB - 11/20/2004 at 09:01 PM

or real as opposed to "Plastic People".....


FarmerMaggie - 11/20/2004 at 09:05 PM

quote:
quote:
this isn't actually a joke...
it is exerpted from an email ramble from my (real)brother 'Larry'...



(real) as opposed to (imaginary) ?

Funny you should ask about imaginary 'Larry'...


ILABB - 11/20/2004 at 09:51 PM

I got a new keyboard for my computer......yeah the old one "Was'nt My Type"!!


H-Man - 11/21/2004 at 02:44 AM

Two women chatting in a beauty parlor... The customer asks, "My husband's got the worst case of dandruff. What can I do?" The stylyst says, "Just give him "Head & Shoulders". The customer asks, "How do you give "Shoulders"???.

Rimshot please...


yurtle - 11/22/2004 at 12:07 AM

A new, young MD doing his residency in OB was quite embarrassed

> performing female pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment he had

> unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged

> lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst out

> laughing and further embarrassed him. He looked up from his work

> and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She

> replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was,

> "I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener".


yurtle - 11/22/2004 at 10:31 PM

A young man named John received a parrot as A gift. The parrot had a bad

attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's

mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried

to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words,

playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the

bird's Vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled

back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.

John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in

the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and

screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for

over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened

the door to the freezer.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I

believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm

sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully

intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable

behavior." John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he

was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his

behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!


FarmerMaggie - 12/2/2004 at 02:40 AM

from email from my other brother - no 'plastic' please, leather only...



Vincent Van Gogh is known to most people as the French Impressionist who worked in great daubs of paint to create such masterpieces as "Starry Night" and "Wheat Field with Cypresses." What many people do not know is that Vincent came from a very large family. Many of his relatives are people you have heard of and never stopped to realize that there was a connection. A few of Van Gogh's well-remembered relatives were:

His dizzy aunt------------------------------------------------------------Verti Gogh
The brother who loved prunes-------------------------------------- Gotta Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store-------------Stop n Gogh
The grandfather who drove all the way from Yugoslavia---U Gogh
The brother who bleached his clothes white------------------Hue Gogh
The cousin from Illinois-----------------------------------------------Chica Gogh
His magician uncle-----------------------------------------------------Warediddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin----------------------------------------------------Ahmee Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half-brother-----------------Grin Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach--------------------------Wellsfar Gogh
The constipated uncle------------------------------------------------Kant Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt------------------------------------------Tang Gogh
The bird lover uncle----------------------------------------------------Flahmeen Gogh
His nephew psychoanalyst-----------------------------------------E. Gogh
The fruit loving cousin-------------------------------------------------Man Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking----------------------------Wayta Gogh
The little bouncy nephew------------------------------------------- Poe Gogh
The sister who loved disco------------------------------------------Gogh Gogh
His slow cousin---------------------------------------------------------Escar Gogh
The spaghetti magnate uncle--------------------------------------Pre Gogh
His distant relative from West Africa----------------------------Manding Gogh
And his niece who travels the country in a motorhome--Winnie Bay Gogh


Well, there you Gogh


TerriB - 12/2/2004 at 02:51 AM

I'll add one to that Maggie:

His extented family's second home................Anything Goghs


FarmerMaggie - 12/2/2004 at 07:56 AM

quote:
I'll add one to that Maggie:

His extented family's second home................Anything Goghs


PeterNelson - 12/2/2004 at 11:49 AM

His little brother who used to play spy games as a kid
and grew up to carry his guitar in a gunny sack:

"The name's Gogh--Johnny Gogh."


CowboyNeil - 12/2/2004 at 07:55 PM

What did the Deadhead say when he came down off the acid?




This music sucks!


yurtle - 12/2/2004 at 09:12 PM

quote:
What did the Deadhead say when he came down off the acid?




This music sucks!


Don't tell me I'm coming down


PeterNelson - 12/6/2004 at 12:34 AM

Two of the damned are hanging out in hell. One says to the other,
"Still, I miss the seasons."


PeterNelson - 12/8/2004 at 02:06 AM

The guitarist had finished his gig and is hanging out at the club till closing. He's the last one in the place with the barman, who asks if he'd like a scotch before he goes home. The player says, "Sure," and the barman plonks down a big glass of the juice and a little bowl of peanuts to go with it, then wanders off to wipe down the counter.

This leaves the guitarist all by himself for a minute, staring at his scotch and calluses. He perks up when he thinks he hears, "Great gig, man--you're one hot picker."

The player looks over at the barman and says, "Thanks." The barman says, "What for?" and the player answers, "For saying nice things about my playing." The barman says, "I didn't say anything" and gets back to cleaning.

The guitarist thinks, It's late, I'm a bit spaced, so whatever. He returns to his drink, when he hears, barely louder than a whisper, somebody saying, "Yeah, great licks, man! Great moves, too!"

The guitar player spins around in his stool saying, "Thanks," but there's nobody there. The bartender calls over, "Are you okay?" because the picker looks a bit disoriented, and the guitarist, doubting himself, says, "Yeah, I think so."

Then, as he empties his glass, another little voice says, "You should open for the Allman Brothers Band!"

The guitarist looks at the bartender, who's still occupied, and around the empty bar. He slams his hands down on the bar and yells, "Okay! That's it! What's going on here?!"

The barman runs down and says "What's your problem, dude?" to which the guitarist demands, "Who's saying that? I'm hearing voices! Is this Candid Camera, or is my band punking me?" "No, man. What voices? What are they saying?"

The guitarist starts to tell the barman some of what he had heard, but the barman interrupts and waves it off and says, "Oh, that'll just be the peanuts, man--they're complimentary!"


radio-x - 12/8/2004 at 12:50 PM

When I was little, I told my mother I wanted to be a musician when I grew up. She said- "Now,son, you know you can't do both!"


rosshmusic - 12/8/2004 at 07:04 PM

Two cowboys are talking over a beer, discussing various sex positions.

The first cowboy says his favorite position is the "rodeo."

The other cowboy asks what the position is, and how to do it?

The first cowboy says, "You tell your wife to get on the bed on all fours and
then do it doggy style. Once things start to get under way and she's really
enjoying it, lean forward and whisper in her ear: "Your sister likes this
position too."

Then try to hang on for 8 seconds.


Rubba - 12/8/2004 at 07:37 PM

A Brooklyn psychiatrist is holding a fancy costume party at his home. The only requirement to gain entry is that you must come dressed as an emotion.

So... the guests begin to arrive. He hears a knock at the door, opens it, and sees a woman in a blue dress, with a blue ribbon in her hair.
"Hello young lady... may I ask what are you dressed as??"
"Of course, Im sad and blue"
"Wonderful.. come on in"
Moments pass, and he hears another knock. He opens the door to find a man in a green suit, green shirt and tie, and green hat.
"Hello sir... may I ask what are you dressed as??"
"Of course, im green with envy"
"Oh, terrific... come on in"
A minute later, there is a loud, continuous banging at the door. The doctor opens the door, and is awestruck at the sight before him. Two naked men. One man has his penis concealed by a fruit, and the other man has his submerged a sort of pudding.
"Good lord... what on earth are you two doing??'
"Yo... we's here for the emotions party"
"Here for the party? Thats absurd. You need to come dressed as an emotion"
"Whaddaya mean? We ARE dressed as emotions. Me? Im deep in dis pear. And him? Hes fukkin' dis custard"




Rusty - 12/10/2004 at 02:06 PM

There are now so many pages to this site that I don't know if you've heard this one or not. So, here goes a Christmas joke!

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. "In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."


The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. It represents a candle, he said.


You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said.


The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.


He shook them and said, "They're bells". Saint Peter said you may pass through the pearly gates.


The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.


St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"


The man replied, "They're Carols".


Rubba - 12/15/2004 at 03:16 PM

Bad mood today. Had to find this and bump it up.


PeterNelson - 12/15/2004 at 05:51 PM

Q. How many guitar players does it take to cover a Stevie Ray Vaughan tune?






A. Evidently all of them.


PeterNelson - 12/15/2004 at 05:54 PM

Q. How many guitarists does it take to change a lightbulb?







A. Twenty: One to change the bulb, and nineteen to say, "Not bad, but I could've done better."


PeterNelson - 12/15/2004 at 05:57 PM

Q. In the 22nd century how many guitarists will it take to replace a light source?






A. Five: One to actually do it, and four to reminisce about how much better the old tubes were.


ILABB - 12/15/2004 at 06:02 PM

How many football players does it take to change a lightbulb? two one to change it and the QB to Chant: "Turn it to the right" "Turn it to the right" !! (i know cheezy and made up but I like those commercials and was sticking with the light bulb theme)


PeterNelson - 12/20/2004 at 10:57 PM

Q: How many bass players does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Six: One to change it, and . . .





the other five to fight off the lead guitarists who are hogging the light.


ILABB - 12/21/2004 at 12:04 AM


Rusty - 12/21/2004 at 03:15 PM

Q: How many bluegrass musicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Six. One to change the bulb, and five to complain that it's electric.


starjfa - 12/21/2004 at 03:32 PM

How many Computer Programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None . . . that's a Hardware problem.


PeterNelson - 12/24/2004 at 06:29 AM

Q: How many sound men does it take to change a lightbulb?




A: "One, two, three; one, two, three."


ILABB - 12/24/2004 at 04:13 PM

LOL!!


ILABB - 12/24/2004 at 05:10 PM

How many models does it take to change a light bulb?


ILABB - 12/24/2004 at 05:11 PM

Answer: Models don't change light bulbs...they only change clothes


ILABB - 12/24/2004 at 08:15 PM

And Husbands.


ILABB - 12/24/2004 at 08:16 PM

And boyfriends.


ILABB - 12/24/2004 at 08:17 PM

And Designers.


ILABB - 12/24/2004 at 08:17 PM

And Agents.


ILABB - 12/24/2004 at 08:18 PM

And Needles. (some of them)


ILABB - 12/24/2004 at 08:18 PM

And locations.


ILABB - 12/24/2004 at 08:20 PM

And sports cars.


ILABB - 12/24/2004 at 08:20 PM

And boyfriends again.


ILABB - 12/24/2004 at 08:21 PM

And Banks.


ILABB - 12/24/2004 at 08:22 PM

.........but they don't change light bulbs!


ILABB - 12/24/2004 at 08:55 PM

Why does Michael Jackson like TwentyEight Year olds.....


ILABB - 12/24/2004 at 08:55 PM

........Because there's 20 of them!!!


PeterNelson - 1/1/2005 at 06:10 PM

Here at the solemn beginning of a New Year, please rise, remove your hats, and pay tribute to our great land by raising your voices with

“The Star-Spangled Banner” from the percussionist’s perspective

Oh, say can you BOOM-CRASH!
By the dawn's early BOOM-CRASH!
What so proudly we BOOM-CRASH!
At the twilight's last gleaming?

Whose broad stripes and bright BOOM-CRASH!
Through the perilous BOOM-CRASH!
O'er the ramparts we BOOM-CRASH!
Were so gallantly streaming?

3 &
1...2...3...
2...2...3...
3...2...3...
4...2...3...
5...2...3...
6...2...3...
7...2...3...
8...2...

Oh,
BOOM-BOOM-BOOM!
BOOM-BOOM-BOOM!
BOOM-BOOM-BOOM!
BOOM-BOOOOOMMMM!
BOOM,
BOOM-BOOM-BOOM!
BOOM-BOOOOOMMMM!
BOOM,
BOOM, BOOM-BOOM,
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMM!


yurtle - 1/2/2005 at 11:23 PM

Three ducks walked into a bar. "Say, what's your name?" asked the
> bartender to the first duck.
> "Huey," replied the first duck.
> "How's your day been, Huey?"
> "Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day.
> What else could a duck want?" said the duck.
> "Oh. That's nice," said the bartender.
> Then he said to the second duck, "Hi. And what's your name?"
> "Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.
> "So, how's your day been, Dewey?" he asked.
> "Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles
all
> day myself. What else could a duck want?
> So the bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be
> Louie?"
> "No," she said, batting her eyelashes. "My name is Puddles."


CanadianMule - 1/3/2005 at 07:45 AM

Poor Puddles


PeterNelson - 1/4/2005 at 05:42 AM

A follow-up:

Q. How many sound men does it take to change a lightbulb?








A. "Hey man, I just do sound."


ILABB - 1/4/2005 at 05:47 AM


midnightvwdriver - 1/4/2005 at 10:24 AM

Kenny G and his manager get into a hotel elevator. As they are going up Kenny G turns excitedly to the manager and exclaims "Hey! This place rocks!"

or

Q Your in a locked room with Sadam Hussain, Adolph Hitler and Kenny G. You have a gun with only 2 bullets. What do you do?
A Shoot Kenny G twice, just to be sure.


JerseyDave - 1/4/2005 at 06:38 PM

What do lawyers and sperm have in common?




Both have one in a million chances of becoming a human being...


ILABB - 1/4/2005 at 08:24 PM

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?


ILABB - 1/4/2005 at 08:25 PM

Answer: It depends on how much you pay!


JerseyDave - 1/5/2005 at 04:51 PM

Did you hear about the blonde who got a job?

She's a proof-reader in an M&M factory....



But she got fired for rejecting all the W's


yurtle - 1/5/2005 at 09:53 PM

>A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed
>home.
>
>He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:
>
>"Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife
merely
>stays at
>home. I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to
>switch with
>mine for a day. Amen.
>
>God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.
>
>The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman.
>
>He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their
>school
>clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school,
>came home
>and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the
>bank to
>make a deposit, went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the
>groceries,
>paid the bills and balanced the chequebook. He cleaned the cat's litter box

>and
>bathed the dog.
>
>Then it was already 1 P.M. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry,
>vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor. Ran to the school to
>pick up the
>kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out milk and
>cookies
>and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing
>board and
>watched TV while he did the ironing.
>
>At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded

>the
>pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper.
>
>After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry,
>bathed the
>kids, and put them to bed.
>
>At 9 P.M. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished,
>he went to
>bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through
>without
>complaint.
>
>The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said: Lord,

>I don't
>know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to
>stay home
>all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back."
>
>The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied: "My son, I feel you have
learned
>your lesson
>and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll just

>have to
>wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night."


yurtle - 1/6/2005 at 09:23 PM

Two little potatoes are standing

on the street corner.One is a

prostitute.How can you tell which one is the prostitute?

It's the one with the little sticker that says...


















I - DA - HO


ILABB - 1/6/2005 at 09:30 PM


yurtle - 1/6/2005 at 09:43 PM


PeterNelson - 1/9/2005 at 10:23 PM

I hate the slice of reality behind this one:

Q. How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?








A. None. They have machines to do that now.


ILABB - 1/10/2005 at 12:12 AM

How many drummers have changed light bulbs? A. Only one comes to mind, Charlie "Watts"


ABBDutchFan - 1/11/2005 at 04:48 PM


While walking down the street one day a female head of state is tragically hit by a truck and dies. Her soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. "Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you." "No problem, just let me in," says the lady. "Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity." "Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," says the head of state. "I'm sorry but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts her to the elevator and she goes down, down, down to Hell. The doors open and see finds herself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a club and standing in front of it are all her friends and other politicians who had worked with her, everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet her, hug her, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that, before she realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives her a big hug and waves while the elevator rises. The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for her. "Now it's time to visit Heaven." So 24 hours pass with the head of state joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before she realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns. "Well then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity." She reflects for a minute, then the head of state answers: "Well, I would never have said it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell." So Saint Peter escorts her to the elevator and she goes down, down, down to Hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and she is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. She sees all her friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. The Devil comes over to her and lays his arm on her neck. "I don't understand," stammers the head of state. Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and club and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable." The Devil looks at her, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted for us!"


yurtle - 1/11/2005 at 11:09 PM


PeterNelson - 1/12/2005 at 02:51 PM

Can jazz musicians play classical?

Wynton Marsalis early demonstrated adeptness and commercial success with both types of music. My sister's husband, Mark, is a very fine and versatile trumpeter (and fluegelhornist) who plays a lot of gigs with his spare-time jazz band, a brass band, and classical mostly as soloist for church and holiday events. So, I'll have to plug in Mark's name and send this joke to them!

* In an emergency a jazz trumpeter was hired to do some solos with a symphony orchestra. Everything went fine through the first movement, when he had some really hair-raising solos, but in the second movement he started improvising madly when he wasn't supposed to play at all. After the concert the conductor came round looking for an explanation. The trumpeter said, "The score said, `Tacet'--so I took it!"






{From The New College Encyclopedia of Music:
Tacet, L. "Is silent." Used in vocal part-books and in the separate instrumental parts of an orchestral or chamber work to indicate that the voice or instrument does not play in a particular movement or section of a movement.}


yurtle - 1/12/2005 at 09:12 PM

Tim Allen, comedian, had this to say about Martha Stewart:

"Boy, I feel safer now that she's behind bars. O.J. & Kobe are walking around; Kenneth Lay of Enron is still walking free; Osama Bin Laden too, but they take the one woman in America willing to cook, clean and work in the yard and haul her a$$ to jail."


drobyn - 1/12/2005 at 09:29 PM

quote:
What's better than winning a Gold medal at the special olympics?

Not being a retard!



I often save things like this to show the lovely handicapped folks I work and live with that "normal" sometimes isn't what they crack it up to be


HaagenDazs - 1/13/2005 at 08:02 PM

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now, Class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"

A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering.

When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."


yurtle - 1/18/2005 at 10:52 PM

A man, his wife, and mother-in-law went on vacation to the Holy Land.
While they were there the mother-in-law passed away. The undertaker
told
them, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her
here
in the Holy Land for $150.00."

The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped
home.



The undertaker asked, "Why?" Why would you spend
$5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to
spend only $150.00?"

The man said, "A man died here 2000 years ago, he was buried here and
three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that
chance."




ILABB - 1/18/2005 at 11:05 PM


peachjam - 1/18/2005 at 11:20 PM

There's a monkey sittin' up in a tree smokin' a joint and a lizard walks by and ask what he's doin', the monkey says "I'm smokin' a joint, come on up." The lizard climbs the tree sits and smokes with the monkey and after he a bit he says "Man, I got some bad cotton mouth, I'm goin' down to the river to get a drink, I'll be right back", the monkey says "cool, see ya' in a bit". The lizard heads down to the river and leans over to get a drink but he's stoned and falls in and starts flailing around in the water, a crocodile sees him and swims over and helps him back up on the bank and ask "What's wrong with you man??" and the lizard says "I'm way stoned from smokin' with a monkey out there in the tree". The crocodile can't believe this so he goes busting out throught the jungle to see for himself and sure enough he comes to a tree and looks up and there's a monkey smokin' a joint, so the crocodile hollers up to him "Hey You!" and the monkey looks down and says.............
















































































"DUUUUUUUUDE, HOW MUCH WATER DID YOU DRINK?!?!?!?!"


ILABB - 1/18/2005 at 11:22 PM


FarmerMaggie - 1/18/2005 at 11:43 PM

True Story



Tuesday, January 18, 2005

Wytheville boy should've seen 'A Christmas Story'

Maybe he was thinking, "Wonder what would happen if ... "

The Roanoke Times


It's a danger every time single-digit cold collides with boys with single-digit ages.

While waiting for his school bus in the bone-deep cold Monday morning, a 9-year-old Wytheville boy fell to an age-old temptation. He touched a metal post with his tongue.

And his tongue stuck.

According to the town's emergency dispatch center, a Wytheville police officer responded, but he was not directly involved with the rescue. The dispatcher said the officer and the unfortunate lad conversed while the boy's father fetched some warm water.

The youngster's contribution to the conversation was, understandably, limited.

"Are you OK?"

"Uh-uh."

"Have you learned anything?"

"Uh-huh."

"Are you going to do this again?"

"Uh-uh."

Soon the boy's father returned, applied the warm water, and set his progeny free - apparently wiser and apparently unharmed.

The little guy wasn't even late for school.


- Tim Thornton





ABBDutchFan - 1/21/2005 at 09:06 AM

I actually didn't check if this has been posted already but what the heck:


A Woman's Prayer

Before I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man who's not a creep.
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long.
One who thinks before he speaks. Says he'll call, and won't wait weeks.

I pray that he is gainfully employed.
When I spend his cash, he won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door.
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh, send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "How big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And never attempt to hit on my friend.
Amen.


Man's Prayer

I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a
liquor store and a boat.
Amen


ILABB - 1/21/2005 at 04:14 PM

And notice, these are both in the JOKES section


HaagenDazs - 1/21/2005 at 10:07 PM

So there is this ghost convention every year for people that are ghost fanatics. 100 people show up at the convention, and they are all told to sit down because the convention was starting. The head of the ghost convention stands at the podium and asks the audience, "How many of you have ever seen a ghost?" And everyone in the audience raises their hands.

Then he asks, "How many of you have ever talked to a ghost? And half the crowd raises their hands. And then the leader asks, "how many of you have ever had sex with a ghost?" And one guys raises his hand. The leader says "You've had sex with a ghost!?" And the guys says, "A ghost? ooh, i thought you said Goat"


yurtle - 1/26/2005 at 11:11 AM


stellablue73 - 1/26/2005 at 03:27 PM

Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earline got pregnant. Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earline got pregnant again. Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earline didn't get pregnant again."

Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"

Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earline with me.”


ILABB - 1/26/2005 at 06:38 PM

quote:
There's a monkey sittin' up in a tree smokin' a joint and a lizard walks by and ask what he's doin', the monkey says "I'm smokin' a joint, come on up." The lizard climbs the tree sits and smokes with the monkey and after he a bit he says "Man, I got some bad cotton mouth, I'm goin' down to the river to get a drink, I'll be right back", the monkey says "cool, see ya' in a bit". The lizard heads down to the river and leans over to get a drink but he's stoned and falls in and starts flailing around in the water, a crocodile sees him and swims over and helps him back up on the bank and ask "What's wrong with you man??" and the lizard says "I'm way stoned from smokin' with a monkey out there in the tree". The crocodile can't believe this so he goes busting out throught the jungle to see for himself and sure enough he comes to a tree and looks up and there's a monkey smokin' a joint, so the crocodile hollers up to him "Hey You!" and the monkey looks down and says.............
















































































"DUUUUUUUUDE, HOW MUCH WATER DID YOU DRINK?!?!?!?!"
This one deserved to be repeated........ROTFLOL!!


yurtle - 1/27/2005 at 11:58 PM

gondicar
posted on 1/27/2005 at 05:56 PM


Donovan McNabb, after living a full life and many years from now, died. When he got to heaven, God was showing him around. They came to a modest little house with a faded Eagles flag in the window. "This house is yours for eternity, Donovan," said God."This is very special; not everyone gets a house up here." Donovan felt special, indeed, and walked up to his house. On his way up the porch, he noticed another house just around the corner. It was a 3-story mansion with a blue and red sidewalk, a 50 foot tall flagpole with an enormous Patriots logo flag, and in every window, a Pat Patriot towel. Donovan looked at God and said "God, I'm not trying to be ungrateful, but I have a question. I was an all-pro QB, I hold many NFL records, and I even went to the Hall of Fame."

God said "So what's your point Donovan?"

"Well, why does Tom Brady get a better house than me?"

God chuckled, and said "Donovan, that's not Tom's house, it's mine."


leftyblues - 1/28/2005 at 06:07 AM

A group of blondes walks into a bar. They ask the bartender to line up
drinks for them. When they get their drinks, they do a toast and say,
"Here's to 51 days!" After that, they ask the bartender to "Line 'em
up!"
Again, they toast to 51 days. Finally, the bartender says, "I don't
get it.
Why in the world are you toasting to 51 days?" One of the blondes
explains to the bartender, "We just finished a jigsaw puzzle, and on
the box
it says 2-4 years, but we finished in 51 days!"


Hophead - 1/28/2005 at 06:16 AM


Oooh, Lefty -- that's BAD!


leftyblues - 1/28/2005 at 06:31 AM

LOL...sorry hop...LOL..sorry to all of you..LOL


leftyblues - 1/28/2005 at 06:32 AM

quote:
what's green, slimey and smells like bacon?


Kermit's finger.


Hop, this is from page one of this thread...is mine worse than this ?


yurtle - 1/29/2005 at 10:38 PM

A tour bus driver drives with a bus full of seniors down a highway, when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.
After approx.15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about eight times. At the ninth time he asks the little old lady why they do not eat the peanuts themselves, whereupon she replies that it is not possible because of their old teeth, they are not able to chew them. "Why do you buy them then?" he asks puzzled. Whereupon the old lady answers, "We just love the chocolate around them".


yurtle - 2/3/2005 at 09:22 PM

Nuts by the Fence

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy.

Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate.

Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off.

Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane,
hobbling along.

Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk."

When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me..."

The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the
truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord." Shaking with fear, they peered through
the fence, yet were still unable to see anything.

The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of
the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all.
Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done."

They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes
ahead of the boy on the bike.


PeterNelson - 2/4/2005 at 11:23 PM

A couple more for the Deadheads

Q. How many Deadheads does it take to change a lightbulb?





A. 12,001.

One to change it,



2,000 to record the event and take pictures of it, and









10,000 to follow it around until it burns out.


PeterNelson - 2/4/2005 at 11:24 PM

Q: Why do Deadheads swirl their arms around when they dance?





A: To keep the music out of their eyes.


yurtle - 2/5/2005 at 02:02 AM

Subject: Paint





This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.

The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of
paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a parka and a leather jacket at the same time.

He goes over and asks her if she is ok. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb, and she wanted to do it by painting the house
He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket.

She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said..........

(I love this).....

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

"FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS"


PeterNelson - 2/15/2005 at 12:02 AM

The upcoming joke is funnier to me now that I was handed a free CD from a Chicago saxophonist, Jerry DeVivo, I was talking with several days ago. The CD, The Jerry DeVivo Band, is groove-oriented jazz sort of in a Blue Note vein. There are 4 originals by Jerry, and 5 others, such as covers of "Use Me" by Bill Withers and "Hipsippy Blues" by Hank Mobley.

Interesting HTW side note: Apparently, Jerry plays regularly at the House of Blues Back Porch Stage, like Lefty.

Okay, thank you for your patience. Here's the riddle:


Q: How can you turn a duck into a soul artist?





A: Put it in the oven until its bill withers.


yurtle - 2/15/2005 at 01:47 AM

piacere posted on 2/14/2005 at 03:54 PM

Valentine's Day Joke.....

The young beautful princess was out by the pond contemplating environmental issues and the clean air act when a frog snuggled up beside her. The frog said, "My fair and wonderful and beautiful princess, kiss me so I may turn into the prince I once was and I can live with you in your beautiful castle and I'll bring my mother and she will wash our things and tend to our needs and we can live happily ever after".
Later that evening as the young and beautiful princess was dining on frog legs in a creamy garlic dressing with shallots she thought to herself...
....... " I don't f***in think so"

Happy Valentine's Day.....


yurtle - 2/15/2005 at 02:42 AM



A Texas cowboy is drinking in a New York bar when he gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar because, he announces, his wife has just produced a typical Texas baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the cowboy just shrugs, "That's about average down home, folks ... like I said, my boy's a typical Texas baby boy."

Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of WOW"! were heard. One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later he returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of that typical Texas baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you? Everybody's been makin' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. We were gonna call you; so how much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."

The bartender is puzzled, and concerned. "What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born."

The cowboy takes a slow swig from his long-neck beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says,.................

"Got him circumcised"


yurtle - 2/19/2005 at 12:22 AM

>>>((((RING))))
>>>
>>>
>>> **Pick Up**
>>>
>>> "Hello?"
>>>
>>> "Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mommy near the phone?"
>>>
>>> "No Daddy, She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul "
>>>
>>> After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an
>>> Uncle - Paul "
>>>
>>> "Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now"
>>>
>>> Brief Pause
>>>
>>> "Uh, okay then, ...this is what I want you to do. Put the phone
>>> down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and
>>>shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway"
>>>
>>> "Okay Daddy, just a minute"
>>>
>>> A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.
>>>
>>> "I did it Daddy"
>>>
>>> "And what happened honey?" he asked
>>>
>>> "Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on
>>> and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her
>>>head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"
>>>
>>> "O my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul ?"
>>>
>>> "He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared
>>> and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool.
>>>
>>> But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to
>>> clean it, he hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."
>>>
>>>
>>> ***Long Pause***
>>>
>>> ***Longer Pause**
>>>
>>>
>>>Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool??...Is this 486 - 5731 ??"



PeterNelson - 2/21/2005 at 05:01 AM

An old farmer owned a large farm with a nice little pond out in the back 40. One bank was fixed up a bit with a couple picnic tables, a horseshoe court, and a few apple and peach trees.



One summer evening about sunset, the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, and he grabbed a pail to bring back some fruit. As he rounded the bend and got near the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing. He soon saw in the fading light that it was a bunch of young women, five or six of them, skinny-dipping in his pond. All their clothes, including their dainties, were laid up on the picnic tables and hanging from the branches of a peach tree.

The old farmer made some clattering with the pail so the girls would be aware of his presence, and with a little shrieking, they all dipped down neck-deep in the water. The old farmer yelled out at them, “You gals had best come on out of my pond!”

One of the girls shouted back to him, "No way--not with you standing there! We're not getting out till you leave!"

The old man frowned and replied, "Now, I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." He held the pail up. "I just came down here to feed the alligator."


ILABB - 2/26/2005 at 09:59 PM


ILABB - 2/26/2005 at 10:00 PM

How many Punk Rockers does it take to change a light bulb?


ILABB - 2/26/2005 at 10:00 PM

2.


ILABB - 2/26/2005 at 10:01 PM

One to change it and........


ILABB - 2/26/2005 at 10:02 PM

One to smash it on his forehead!!!!!!!!


ILABB - 2/26/2005 at 10:07 PM

How many Surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?


ILABB - 2/26/2005 at 10:08 PM

2.


ILABB - 2/26/2005 at 10:08 PM

One to hold the Giraffe..........


ILABB - 2/26/2005 at 10:09 PM

and the other to fill the bathtub with Colorful machinery tools!!!!!


ABBDutchFan - 3/1/2005 at 04:49 PM

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first-class
section of a jet liner. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently
wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten or fifteen seconds.
The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman
sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered quite
violently once more.
Assuming the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering.
A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again.
As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even
more than before.
Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman, and
said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times,
wiped you nose,then shuddered violently. Are you okay?"
"Sorry if I disturbed you," the woman replied. "I have a very rare
medical condition; whenever I sneeze, I have an orgasm."
The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. "I've never
heard of that condition before," he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"
"Yes," the woman nodded. "Pepper."


RonnieDobbs - 3/2/2005 at 03:19 PM

Fred walks into his house with a sheep tucked under his arm. He carries it upstairs and into the bedroom where his wife is in bed, reading a magazine. "Honey," says Fred, "This is the pig I've been screwing when you're not available."

"Fred," the wife says, "That's not a pig. That's a sheep."

"Shut up," says Fred. "I wasn't talking to you."


stratmaster89 - 3/3/2005 at 12:04 AM

wow


PeterNelson - 3/25/2005 at 11:28 PM

This isn't a joke; just a follow-up to the alligator joke above.

Police bungle puts deadly croc in swimming hole
Thu Mar 17,10:47 PM ET

SYDNEY (AFP) - Wildlife authorities in Australia were hunting for a saltwater crocodile after police found the ferocious reptile in a home and released it near a popular swimming hole, thinking it was a relatively harmless freshwater croc, national radio reported.

A woman in the small northwestern town of Kununurra called police after finding the crocodile taped up in her laundry, unaware that it was being stored there by her son's friend, who is a licensed catcher, the Australian Broadcasting Corporation (ABC) reported.

Police released the 1.8 meter (5-foot, 11-inch) reptile into a branch of Lake Kununurra, a popular recreation area on the town's edge, after mistaking it for a freshwater crocodile -- a far less aggresive species. {Doh!}

Wildlife authorities called on the public to keep children and dogs away from the lake until the "saltie" can be recaptured. . . .

Considered among the deadliest hunters on earth, the aggressive saltwater crocodiles inhabit swamps and waterways throughout Australia's north. They can grow up to 7.0 meters (23 feet) in length and can weigh more than a ton {!}.

There have been 14 confirmed fatal crocodile attacks in Australia in the past 27 years, the last a 22-year-old man taken in December 2003 as he waded in a river.

Full story twice as long
http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&u=/afp/20050318/od_afp/australi acrocodileoffbeat_050318034736


PeterNelson - 3/26/2005 at 12:19 AM



A tourist in Australia was on a riverbank when a crocodile lunged out of the water, grabbed him by the legs, and proceeded to start chewing him down. When he had eaten the tourist up to the neck, the man's tryptophan got to the croc, which stopped munching, lay down on the riverbank, and went to sleep.

A little later a couple of Aussie outbackers came past and saw the crocodile with the man's head sticking out of his mouth. "Dang, mate--I didn't know that Gucci made sleeping bags!"


Rusty - 3/26/2005 at 01:31 AM

This thread is so long now, please forgive me if this one’s been told.

A small southern zoo had only one gorilla, a female. This female began to act rowdy and raucous. The senior zookeeper recognized from the display that the female was in heat. But since there was no male gorilla to appease her, he had to be inventive.

He summoned one of the male zoo assistants, a redneck guy who wore Lynyrd Skynyrd T-shirts.

The zookeeper asked the guy, “would you be willing to have sex with this female gorilla for $500.00?” The redneck scratched his chin for a moment thinking about it. “okay, I’ll do it”, he said, “but only under three conditions”.

“The first thang”, he said, “is I ain’t gonna kiss her”. The zookeeper said he understood.
“The second thang is, nobody can find out about it”. The zookeeper agreed that it would remain their secret.
“Anfd the third thang”, added the redneck, “it’s gonna take me two or three weeks to come up with the $500.00”.


OldSchool - 3/26/2005 at 02:34 AM

Finster-"Hey man!Did you ever smell mothballs?"

Rodney-"Yeah,why?"

Finster-"How the hell'd you get between his legs?"


PeterNelson - 4/19/2005 at 05:38 AM

The three violin makers named below made the violins starting over 300 years ago that are still the most highly prized by virtuoso performers as well as collectors. I couldn't tell whether the following is true, but perhaps it should be!

Three violin makers have all done business for years on the same block in the small town of Cremona, Italy. After years of a peaceful coexistence, the Amati shop decided to put a sign in the window saying, "We make the best violins in Italy."

The Guarneri shop soon followed suit and put a sign in their window proclaiming, "We make the best violins in the world."

Finally, the Stradivarius family put a sign out at their shop saying, "We make the best violins on the block."


http://gviolins.cc/ItalianViolins/It_violins.htm


PeterNelson - 5/14/2005 at 07:21 PM

Nonjoke followup on the previous post:

BOOK REVIEW DESK
The Master Builder
By EUGENIA ZUKERMAN
Published: April 24, 2005, Sunday

STRADIVARI'S GENIUS:
Five Violins, One Cello, and
Three Centuries of Enduring Perfection

By Toby Faber

IT is said that the sound of a violin most closely approximates the human voice. If so, then a violin made by Antonio Stradivari is the prima donna assoluta of the instrument. Stradivari (1644-1737) fashioned more than 1,000 stringed instruments -- violins, violas, cellos, a guitar or two, and a harp. Today some 600 remain. Highly prized and priced, Stradivaris have been traded, sold, hidden, stolen, and even buried. They have been owned by royalty and rabble, played by amateurs and virtuosos, survived wars, floods, and other natural disasters. In the right hands these legendary instruments have made listeners weep, fall in love, and believe in God; they have provided romantic fodder for novels like John Hersey's Antonietta and films like François Girard's Red Violin. But Stradivari's Genius, Toby Faber's first book and a work of nonfiction, is more enthralling, earthy, and illuminating than any fiction could possibly be. . . .

It was not until Catherine de' Medici's patronage in the mid-16th century, when, exiled to France for an arranged marriage, she ordered a set of 38 stringed instruments from Cremona, that the violin gained respectability. With Catherine's purchase, which branded the Italian string instrument as the very finest, the violin became popular, and the stage was set for the great age of Cremonese luthiers.

Other fine craftsmen, like Amati and Guarneri, are discussed, but Faber's focus is on Antonio Stradivari. . . .

No one, however, can quibble with Faber's contention that Antonio Stradivari was ''destined to outshine all other luthiers'' and that he had a ''single-minded devotion to the aim of producing instruments better than any predecessor's.'' As Faber's lively book shows, there can be no doubt that this eccentric genius had an enormous impact on the musical history of the Western world.

Full book review
http://query.nytimes.com/gst/fullpage.html?res=9802E3DD103EF937A15757C0A963 9C8B63


PeterNelson - 5/14/2005 at 07:24 PM

Variation on an old musical riddle:

Q: What's the difference between a fiddle and a violin?




A: No one minds if you spill beer on a fiddle.



PeterNelson - 5/25/2005 at 02:08 AM

Q: What's the difference between a hip-hop box set and a trampoline?





A: You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.


[Original joke had "bassoon," but I got nothing against bassoons; wish I could've thought of something more tying "hip-hop" together with hopping on a trampoline! ]


TopDroog - 9/30/2005 at 07:32 PM

Q: What do you call a black man who flies an airplane?


A: A pilot, you f*cking racist.


muzic10 - 9/30/2005 at 08:15 PM

rotflmao...that's good droogie...


nikinou - 9/30/2005 at 08:25 PM

Jesus was wandering around Jerusalem when He decided
that He really needed a new robe. After looking around for a while, He saw a
sign for Finkelstein, the Tailor.

So, He went in and made the necessary arrangements to
have Finkelstein prepare a new robe for Him.

A few days later, when the robe was finished, Jesus
tried it on and it was a perfect fit! He asked how much He owed.

Finkelstein brushed him off: "No, no, no, for the Son
of God? There's no charge! However, may I ask for a small favor? Whenever
you give a sermon, perhaps you could just mention that your nice new robe
was made by Finkelstein, the Tailor?"

Jesus readily agreed and as promised, extolled the virtues of His Finkelstein robe whenever He spoke to the masses.

A few! months later, while Jesus was again walking through Jerusalem, He happened to walk past Finkelstein's shop and noted a huge line of people waiting for Finkelstein's robes.

He pushed his way through the crowd to speak to him and as soon as Finkelstein spotted Him he said: "Jesus, Jesus, look what you've done for my business! Would you consider a partnership?"

"Certainly," replied Jesus. "Jesus & Finkelstein it is."

"Oh, no, no," said Finkelstein. "Finkelstein & Jesus.
After all, I am the craftsman."

The two of them debated this for some time. Their discussion was long and
spirited, but ultimately fruitful and they finally came up with a mutually acceptable compromise.

A few days later, the new sign went up over Finkelstein's shop.

Can you guess what it read?








Lord & Taylor


marco - 10/1/2005 at 01:53 AM

CHALK ONE UP FOR THE OLD GUY

An older, white haired man (about 68) walked into a jewelry store one
Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the
jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The
jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and
showed it to him.

The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very
special." At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and
brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000,"
the
jeweler said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with
excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by
check. " I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write
it
now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick
the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no
money in that account."

"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"




marco - 10/1/2005 at 01:56 AM

Two Polish hunters got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They bagged six.


As they started loading the plane for the return trip, the pilot said the plane could take only four moose.


The two lads objected strongly. "Last year we shot six and the pilot let us put them all on board; he had the same plane as yours."


Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded.


However, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down a few moments after take-off.
Climbing out of the wreck one Polack asked the other, "Any idea where we are?"


"Yeah, I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year!






Fuse - 10/4/2005 at 01:37 AM

Po-lice was riding around and saw a car where two kids were up in the woods parking. So he snuck up on 'em, yanked the car door open and said, "OK, now I got ya. Yore moms and pops and the whole town is going to know what you been doing up in here!

But he was studying little Susie and she was just knockout killer perfect. So, he says, "Uh, but, maybe nobody needs to know about this if, you know (wink wink) if I'm next.

The boy freaked, went to blubbering, twitching and carrying on. So the Po-lice said, "Boy, what the hell's wrong with YOU!"

And the boy said, "Man, I ain't never ****ed no Po-lice before."


jasonvancura - 10/4/2005 at 02:05 AM

A group of blondes walk into a bar. They ask the bartender to line up drinks for them. They do a toast and say, 'Here's to 51 days!", and down their drinks. They ask the bartender to "Line 'em up!" Again, they toast to 51 days and down their drinks. Finally, the bartender says, "I don't get it. Why in the world are you toasting to 51 days?" One of the blondes explains to the bartender, "We just finished a jigsaw puzzle, and on the box it says 2-4 years, but we finished in 51 days!"


Fuse - 10/4/2005 at 02:52 AM

hee hee hee.

A poodle walks into a bar, gets him a stool and says, "Beam and Coke, please."

The bartender looks up from his newspaper and says, "County health ordinance. No dogs allowed."

The poodle says, "Beam and Coke, step it up, buddy."

The bartender puts down his paper and says, "We do not serve dogs."

Poodle says, "Beam and Coke, habla Englis, m.f.?"

The bartender reaches under the cash register for his pistol, pops off a couple of rounds and wings the poodle. Except he hit him in the foot. He footed him.

The next day, the poodle shows back up with a ten gallon hat and two tied-down .45s. And he says, "I'm a-huntin' the man that shot my paw."


Rusty - 10/4/2005 at 02:11 PM

A duck waddles into a bar and hops up on the stool
"What'll it be?" asks the barkeep.
"Got any grapes?" asks the duck.
"No", says the barkeep.
The duck hops down and waddles out the door.
The next day the same duck waddles back into the bar and hops up on the stool.
Barkeep walks up and asks, "what'll it be?".
"Got any grapes?" asks the duck.
"No!" shouts the barkeep. "This is a BAR! We do not sell produce!"
The next day the duck waddles back into the bar and hops back up on the stool"
The bartender sighs, and then asks "What'll it be?".
"Got any grapes?" asks the duck.
The bartender loses it. "If you come in here one more time asking for grapes, I'm going to nail your beak to that table over there!" So the duck hops off of the stool and wadddles back out the door.
The next day the duck returns. He waddles into the bar and hops up on the stool.
"What'll it be?" asks the barkeep.
"Got any nails?" asks the duck.
"No!" says the barkeep.
"Got any grapes?" asks the duck.


starjfa - 10/4/2005 at 02:35 PM

A mother and her very young son were flying Southwest Airlines from
Kansas City to Chicago. The little boy (who had been looking out the
window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and
big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The
mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess. So
the boy went down the aisle and asked the stewardess. The busy
stewardess smiled, and said, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?" The
boy said, "yes she did." "Well, then, you go and tell your mother that
there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have
your mother explain that to you."


jasonvancura - 10/4/2005 at 06:28 PM

I went to the doctor, and he told me to take all my clothes off.
Then he said, "You'll have to diet."
I said, "What color?"


muzic10 - 10/4/2005 at 06:52 PM

[drum-cymbal-crash]!!!


CowboyNeil - 10/4/2005 at 06:55 PM

What do you call a black man who flies an airplane?(scroll down)






















A Pilot you racist bastard


jasonvancura - 10/4/2005 at 07:05 PM

Do you know the difference between a dead chicken in the road and a dead lawyer in the road? There are skid marks in front of the chicken!


nikinou - 10/4/2005 at 07:10 PM

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new electric train set in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son yell "All you sons of bitches who want to get off, get the hell off now, because this is the last stop! All of you sons of bitches that are getting on, get your asses in the train cause were leaving". The mother went in and told her son, "we don't use that kind of language in this house." Now I want you to go into your room for two hours. When you come out, you can play with your train, but I don't want to hear any bad language.

Two hours later, the son comes out of his room and continues playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard the son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your ride was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon. For those of you who are just boarding the train, we ask that you stow all of your hand luggage under the seat, remember there is no smoking except on the club car. We hope you have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today".

"For those of you who are pissed off with the two hour delay , please see the bitch in the kitchen."


jasonvancura - 10/4/2005 at 07:18 PM

I went to bed, and I dreamed that I was a muffler.
When I woke up, I was exhausted.


muzic10 - 10/4/2005 at 07:21 PM

How do you top a car?


muzic10 - 10/4/2005 at 07:22 PM

You tep on the brake, Tupid!!!


jasonvancura - 10/4/2005 at 07:23 PM

quote:
You tep on the brake, Tupid!!!


LMAO... That's pretty funny!


jasonvancura - 10/4/2005 at 07:23 PM

A guy walks into a bar,
The other guy ducks..........


MundeleinHoward - 10/4/2005 at 07:47 PM


A black guy, a white guy & an asian, a priest, a rabbi & a Iman all walk into a bar, the bartender looks up & says:











What is this, some kinda bad joke?


jasonvancura - 10/4/2005 at 09:13 PM

A man goes to a psychiatrist and tells him that he suspects that he has a split personality,
So the doctor charges him double!


muzic10 - 10/4/2005 at 09:15 PM

quote:

A black guy, a white guy & an asian, a priest, a rabbi & a Iman all walk into a bar, the bartender looks up & says:









"All of yous get the f#@% outta here!!!"


jasonvancura - 10/5/2005 at 10:42 PM

A termite walks into a bar and says, "Is the bar tender here?"


skypup - 10/6/2005 at 03:31 AM

BUSH AND THE DEVIL

George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to hell where the devil
is waiting for him. "I don't know what to do here," says the devil.
"You're on my list but I have no room for you, but you definitely have to
stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got 3 people here
who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to
take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed. The devil opened
the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept
diving in and surfacing empty handed over and over and over. Such was his
fate in hell. "No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good
swimmer and don't think I could do that all day long." The devil led him
to the next room.

In it was Tony Blair with a sledge hammer and a room full of rocks. All he
did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No! I've got this
problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony If all I could do
was break rocks all day!" commented George.

The devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying naked
on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in
spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does
best. George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally
said, "Yeah, I can handle this."

The devil smiled and said.... "Monica, you're free to go!"


jasonvancura - 10/22/2005 at 07:01 PM

Why are guests on The Jerry Springer Show usually missing some teeth?

They've been on the show before.


Fuse - 10/23/2005 at 09:13 AM

Now, the original premise was PG-13. Which, of course, means asteriskseses... Here's more:

Scooter trash took his little boy to school, first day, first grade. Teacher took a step back because little bitty scooter dude looked just like his Pop. Doo-rag, braided pigtails, 1% tattoo and little bitty engineer boots. But everything was cool until about 10 o'clock. Teacher came around with milk and cookies and little scooter dude said, " I don't want none of that ****.

Teacher, aghast, asked, "Young man, what did you say?" He told her again. So she gave him a note to take home, saying that she wanted to see his Pop, next morning.

Next day, the old man showed up and teacher immediately came out with the milk and cookies, saying, "Listen to this." And, sure enough, little scooter dude said, "I don't want none of that ****. And teacher whirled around and asked, "What have you got to say about that?"

And the old man said, "Well, ma'am, I say if the little ree-tard don't want none of that ****, then **** him, he don't get none."


jasonvancura - 10/25/2005 at 07:21 PM

This man was so stupid that he called his boss to say he couldn't come to work because he had lost his voice.


yurtle - 10/25/2005 at 10:03 PM

> > Four women were driving across the country. Each one was from a

> > different state: Idaho, Nebraska, South Carolina, and New York.

> >

> > Shortly after the trip began, the woman from Idaho started pulling



> > potatoes from her bag and throwing them out of the window.

> >

> > "What the heck are you doing?" demanded the Nebraskan.

> >

> > We have so many of these darn things in Idaho, I am just sick of

> > looking at them!"

> >

> > A moment later, the gal from Nebraska began pulling ears of corn

from

> > her bag and tossing them from the window.

> >

> > "What are you doing that for?" asked the gal from South Carolina.

> >

> > "We have so many of these things in Nebraska, I am just sick of

> > looking at them!"

> >

> > Inspired, the gal from South Carolina opened the car door and

pushed

> > the New Yorker out.


nikinou - 10/26/2005 at 07:57 PM

A jumbo jet is coming into Tampa Airport on its final approach. The
Pilot comes on the intercom, "This is your Captain. We're on our final
descent into Tampa. I want to thank you for flying with us today, and
I hope you enjoy your stay in Tampa Bay."

He forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear
his conversation from the cockpit. The copilot says to the pilot, "Well, skipper, watcha gonna do in Tampa?"
Well, says the skipper, "first I'm gonna check into the hotel and
take a big crap. Then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge boobs
out for dinner. I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room, and put it to her big time all night."

Everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the aisle trying to get a look at the new stewardess.

Meanwhile, the new stewardess is at the very back of the plane. She's so embarrassed that she starts to run toward the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes.

The old lady leans over and says:"No need to hurry, dear. He's gotta take a s**t first."




BigDaveOnBass - 10/27/2005 at 02:44 PM

Walking into the bar, Mike said to the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one. I just had another fight with the little woman."

"Oh yeah?" said Greg "And how did this one end?"

"When it was over," Mike replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees."

"Really? Now that's a switch! What did she say?"

"She said, 'Come out from under that bed, you little chicken sh!t.' "


Rubba - 10/27/2005 at 06:03 PM

Guy walks into a bar, slaps his hand down on the bartop and says, "Gimme a buh-b-buh-buh-b-bourbon"
"Sure", says the barkeep, and pours him a shot. The guys quickly downs the drink, slaps his hand down again, and says, "Gimme a-nuh-nuh-nuther b-buh-b-bourbon."
"Sure thing, buddy. But if you don't mind me sayin' so, I think your anger might come from having that nasty stutter there."
"N-no sh-shit", says the guy.
"Well I used to stutter too.. but I found a good cure for it"
"You d-did?"
"Yep. Got so angry at my stutter one day, that I went home and took it out on my wife sexually. We did it for hours, and I haven't stuttered since. Just my 2c."
"Th-thanks", says the guy, and he wanders off.
Guy walks back into the bar two days later, slaps his hand down on the bartop and says, "B-buh-b-buh-buh-b-bourbon!"
"Jeez buddy.. still got that stutter, huh?"
"Y-yes"
"Well... did you do what I told ya?"
"Y-yes"
"And didn't help you any?"
"N-no... b-but you have a luh-luh-l-lovely house"







jasonvancura - 10/27/2005 at 06:23 PM

A man goes to the doctor, and the doctor says, "Your cough sounds so much better today." The man says to the doctor, "It should, I practiced all night!"


midnightvwdriver - 10/27/2005 at 10:19 PM

A distinguished looking old man of over 70 is talking to a woman in her 20s hes just met at a cocktail party.
Out of nowhere he says
"My dear, would you go to bed with me for a half million dollars ?"

Gulping on her drink in surprise at his suggestion she recovers after a few seconds stunned silence and stammers
" Well. if you put it like that.... I guess so . "

Old man
"Would you sleep with me for $50.00 then ?"

Young woman, yelling indignantly
"Of course not ! What do you think I am !"

Old man
"We've already established what you are my dear.
Now we're just haggling over the price ."


[Edited on 10/27/2005 by midnightvwdriver]


MundeleinHoward - 10/28/2005 at 05:07 AM

quote:
A distinguished looking old man of over 70 is talking to a woman in her 20s hes just met at a cocktail party.
Out of nowhere he says
"My dear, would you go to bed with me for a half million dollars ?"

Gulping on her drink in surprise at his suggestion she recovers after a few seconds stunned silence and stammers
" Well. if you put it like that.... I guess so . "

Old man
"Would you sleep with me for $50.00 then ?"

Young woman, yelling indignantly
"Of course not ! What do you think I am !"

Old man
"We've already established what you are my dear.
Now we're just haggling over the price ."


[Edited on 10/27/2005 by midnightvwdriver]


Isn't this the old Groucho Marx joke?


DanB - 10/28/2005 at 02:22 PM

What do you call a closet full of lesbians?







A liquor cabinet


thomaskeith05 - 10/28/2005 at 05:41 PM

a group of people get to heaven and there getting the grand tour. the first group they see on the tour is sprawled out on quilts having a picnic and the tour guide says those are the lutherans they formed an entire religion just for the pot luck meals. then they pass a group in the middle of a church service one members wearing a yamaka[please forgive that spelling], one mans holding a rosary, and another is wearing a tshirt that says athiests rock the tour guide says those are the unitarians there like the five kids who never got picked in gym class and just got thrown on a team together. then the group arrives at a huge wall and the tour guide tells the group to be absolutley silent the catholics live behind they wall and they think there the only ones here


Johnny - 10/28/2005 at 06:22 PM

A man walks into a bar. He has a physique that would rival Mr. Universe but his head is about the size of an orange. He walks over to the bar and orders a scotch.
The bartender is taken aback by the man’s small head but tries to maintain his cool and strikes up a conversation..
“Man, you’re built like a freight train” he said.
“Thanks, man” said the customer.
The bartender said, “ I don’t mean to pry, but your body is unreal, and your head doesn’t quite seem to fit it.”
The man said, ”Well, I’m a fly fisherman. I was wading around the bend of the river and I see a frog sitting on a rock.”
“C’mere,” says the frog. “I am a beautiful princess and if you’ll kiss me I’ll be returned to my human form and I will grant you three wishes.”
“I looked around to see if anyone was watching, and upon seeing the coast was clear, kissed the frog. The frog immediately turns into the most gorgeous woman in the history of the world.”
“Thank you, kind sir,” she says, and asks what my three wishes are.
“Well,” I said, “I’d like to have a body that would put Arnold to shame. Rippling and tight!”
“My clothes shredded as my new found physique emerged.”
“What is your next wish?” asked the Frog Princess.
Looking her over, I said,” I’d like to make wild passionate love to you right here on the riverbank.” “We proceeded to spend hours in the most frenzied passion ever.”
Exhausted, we laid side by side on the riverbank.
The Princess asks, “And what about your third wish?”
Without thinking, I said, “Well, I’d like a little head…”


Fuse - 10/29/2005 at 12:31 AM

quote:

A black guy, a white guy & an asian, a priest, a rabbi & a Iman all walk into a bar, the bartender looks up & says:











What is this, some kinda bad joke?


Yes. after, like, 86 years, claim it buddy. And, not meaning to start no (asteriskeses), bless Boston, too.

I still hate yankees, though. No pun int... oh, (asteriskeses)!


Fuse - 10/29/2005 at 01:17 AM

quote:
a group of people get to heaven and there getting the grand tour. the first group they see on the tour is sprawled out on quilts having a picnic and the tour guide says those are the lutherans they formed an entire religion just for the pot luck meals. then they pass a group in the middle of a church service one members wearing a yamaka[please forgive that spelling], one mans holding a rosary, and another is wearing a tshirt that says athiests rock the tour guide says those are the unitarians there like the five kids who never got picked in gym class and just got thrown on a team together. then the group arrives at a huge wall and the tour guide tells the group to be absolutley silent the catholics live behind they wall and they think there the only ones here


Baptists! Let's get 'em. This is on my check. I am one.

Cat named Frank, just fell out, no warning, but he was always a good cat, played everything fair and square, and next thing he knows, he's standing at The Gates, looking at Peter. And Peter says, "Hey, Frank! Way to go, man. Glad to meet you. Welcome to Heaven! Come on with me, I'll show you around for the quick tour."

So, they both took off and, first stop, ran into a glorious palace. Walked in, and Peter said, "Hey, y'all, this is Frank. Frank made it." And there was a bunch of folks in there, and they all hollered, "Hey, Frank! Glad to meet you! Welcome to Heaven!"

And Frank was tickled and pleased with the fuss all those people made over him and he asked Peter, "Who were those people?" And Peter said, "Oh, that was the Catholic Fellowship Hall. All those folks were Catholic."

Another great palace, and they walked in. Peter said, "Look here, this is Frank! He made it!" And all those people were making a big fuss over Frank, too, saying, "Hey, Frank! Glad you made it! Welcome to Heaven!"

Frank was delighted and he asked Peter, "Who were they?" And Peter said, "That was the Congregational Fellowship Hall. That's where the Congregational people hang out."

Another palace - the Methodists, same thing. More great palaces... the Lutherans, the Episcopalians, the Presbyterians, a bunch of them, same deal. Everybody was tickled, delighted, and making a big deal over Frank.

Frank, at this point, was hopping up and down and 'bout to bust out of his britches when he saw another great palace up ahead and started to just run right in the door. But Peter grabbed Frank by the shirt collar, yanked him back and said, " Huh unh, no. We got to dodge this one, man!"

And Frank, a littled wigged, said, "Peter! Reckon who all is up in that place?"

And Peter said, "Aw, that's just the Baptists. Frank, buddy, the only way we can make 'em happy, is let 'em think they're the only ones here."



[Edited on 10/29/2005 by Fuse]

[Edited on 10/29/2005 by Fuse]


Fuse - 10/29/2005 at 01:33 AM

quote:
Nonjoke followup on the previous post:

BOOK REVIEW DESK
The Master Builder
By EUGENIA ZUKERMAN
Published: April 24, 2005, Sunday

STRADIVARI'S GENIUS:
Five Violins, One Cello, and
Three Centuries of Enduring Perfection

By Toby Faber

IT is said that the sound of a violin most closely approximates the human voice. If so, then a violin made by Antonio Stradivari is the prima donna assoluta of the instrument. Stradivari (1644-1737) fashioned more than 1,000 stringed instruments -- violins, violas, cellos, a guitar or two, and a harp. Today some 600 remain. Highly prized and priced, Stradivaris have been traded, sold, hidden, stolen, and even buried. They have been owned by royalty and rabble, played by amateurs and virtuosos, survived wars, floods, and other natural disasters. In the right hands these legendary instruments have made listeners weep, fall in love, and believe in God; they have provided romantic fodder for novels like John Hersey's Antonietta and films like François Girard's Red Violin. But Stradivari's Genius, Toby Faber's first book and a work of nonfiction, is more enthralling, earthy, and illuminating than any fiction could possibly be. . . .

It was not until Catherine de' Medici's patronage in the mid-16th century, when, exiled to France for an arranged marriage, she ordered a set of 38 stringed instruments from Cremona, that the violin gained respectability. With Catherine's purchase, which branded the Italian string instrument as the very finest, the violin became popular, and the stage was set for the great age of Cremonese luthiers.

Other fine craftsmen, like Amati and Guarneri, are discussed, but Faber's focus is on Antonio Stradivari. . . .

No one, however, can quibble with Faber's contention that Antonio Stradivari was ''destined to outshine all other luthiers'' and that he had a ''single-minded devotion to the aim of producing instruments better than any predecessor's.'' As Faber's lively book shows, there can be no doubt that this eccentric genius had an enormous impact on the musical history of the Western world.

Full book review
http://query.nytimes.com/gst/fullpage.html?res=9802E3DD103EF937A15757C0A963 9C8B63


Aw, shucks, I can buy 'em all day at the flea market for about 50 bucks. Pretty good fiddles, too. I'm huntin' one of them Guacamole jobs. Now, them is rare.

Now, while everybody has heard about Stradocaster fiddles, there may be some that don't know about Guacamoles. Hunt you a record by Jascha Heifetz. That's the Guacamole fiddle, properly applied.

Brahms Violin Concerto in D, Op.77, on RCA, is not a bad tune. Mournful-looking little dude could just run that fiddle up and let 'er eat.

[Edited on 10/29/2005 by Fuse]


jasonvancura - 10/29/2005 at 08:10 PM

Four guys are standing on top of a mountain.
The first guy says, "I am going to do this for the Bulls!", and then jumps off the mountain.
The second guy says, "I am going to do this for the Bears!", and then jumps off the mountain.
The third guy says, "I am going to do this for the White Sox!", and then pushes the Cubs player off the mountain.

[Edited on 10/29/2005 by jasonvancura]


nikinou - 10/31/2005 at 01:51 PM

This one is probably in this thread somewhere, but I love it:

A woman comes home one day and happily exclaims to her husband:

"Pack your bags! I've just won the lottery!!!"

Thrilled, he responds: "Honey, that's great! Where are we going?"

She answers: I'm not going anywhere, but you are getting the hell outta here!"


BigDaveOnBass - 11/1/2005 at 01:45 AM

A Husband was in big trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife told him, "Tomorrow there better be something in the driveway for me that goes zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat".

The next morning the wife found a small package in the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Funeral arrangements for the husband have been set for Saturday.


Fuse - 11/2/2005 at 04:08 AM

quote:
> > Four women were driving across the country. Each one was from a

> > different state: Idaho, Nebraska, South Carolina, and New York.

> >

> > Shortly after the trip began, the woman from Idaho started pulling



> > potatoes from her bag and throwing them out of the window.

> >

> > "What the heck are you doing?" demanded the Nebraskan.

> >

> > We have so many of these darn things in Idaho, I am just sick of

> > looking at them!"

> >

> > A moment later, the gal from Nebraska began pulling ears of corn

from

> > her bag and tossing them from the window.

> >

> > "What are you doing that for?" asked the gal from South Carolina.

> >

> > "We have so many of these things in Nebraska, I am just sick of

> > looking at them!"

> >

> > Inspired, the gal from South Carolina opened the car door and

pushed

> > the New Yorker out.




Hey! Yurtle, are you from where I'm stuck at for a while?

If so, don't panic. I know you and I have read books that were not about cowboys...

but on the other hand... neither you nor I are as smart as we think we are, are we?

Well, **** yes, we are!

Especially you. Most excellent humor, you rascal you.


nikinou - 11/2/2005 at 02:32 PM

Q: How does a woman break up with a farmer?





A: She sends him a John Deere letter.


jimstone - 11/2/2005 at 02:48 PM

Captain Bravado



Long ago, there lived an officer of the Royal Navy named Captain Bravado. He was a manly man's man, who showed no fear when facing his enemies. One day, while sailing the Seven Seas, his lookout spotted a pirate ship approaching, and the crew became frantic. Captain Bravado bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!" The first mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, and while wearing the brightly colored frock, the Captain led his crew into battle and defeated the pirates. That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting the day's triumph. One of them asked the Captain, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before battle?" The captain replied, "If I were to be wounded in the attack, the shirt would not show my blood. Thus, you men would continue to fight, unafraid." All of the men sat and marveled at the courage of such a manly man's man. As dawn came the next morning, the lookout spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching. The crew stared in worshipful silence at the captain and waited for his usual orders. Captain Bravado gazed with steely eyes upon the vast armada arrayed against his ship, and without fear, turned and calmly shouted, "Get me my brown pants!"
JS


rosshmusic - 11/2/2005 at 06:26 PM

if con is the opposite of pro....

... then is congress the opposite of progress...


jasonvancura - 11/2/2005 at 10:53 PM

How can 1 + 1 + 1 = 1?

Because 1 foot + 1 foot + 1 foot = 1 yard.


Sang - 11/3/2005 at 02:56 AM

APPLETON (AP) - A seven-year-old boy was at the center of an Appleton, Wisconsin courtroom drama yesterday, when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.

The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him.

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Green Bay Packers, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone at this time.


WharfRat - 11/3/2005 at 05:52 AM

>A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the
>difference between potentially and realistically?"
>
>The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if
>she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your
>sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and
>then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million
>dollars. Come back and tell me what you learned."
>
>
>
>So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad
>Pitt for a million dollars?"
>
>The mother replied, "Of course I would! We could really use that money
>to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!"
>
>
>The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad
>Pitt for a million dollars?"
>
>The girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt. I would sleep with him
>in a heartbeat, are you nuts?!?!?!"
>
>
>The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad
>Pitt for a million dollars?"
>
>
>"Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million bucks
>would buy?"
>
>
>The boy pondered the answers for a few days, then went back to his dad.
>His father asked him, "So did you find out the difference between
>potentially and realistically?"
>
>The boy replied, "Yes... Potentially, you and I are sitting on three
>million dollars.... but realistically, .....we're living with two sluts
>and a queer."



yurtle - 11/12/2005 at 12:29 PM

A girl asks her boyfriend, to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announced to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the counter, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy: a 3-pack, 10-pack, or a family pack. "I'm really going to give it to this girl," the boy tells the pharmacist. "I intend to go for hours and hours." The pharmacist, with a laugh, suggests the family pack, saying the boy will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meet his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer with his head down. 10 minutes passes and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend finally leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious. " The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!!"



yurtle - 11/12/2005 at 02:25 PM

During the Great Depression, there was a man who walked into a bar one day. He went up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks."

The bartender said, "That's fine, but we're in the middle of the Depression, so I'll need to see some money first."

The guy pulled out a huge wad of bills and set them on the bar. The bartender can't believe what he's seeing. "Where did you get all that money?" asked the bartender.

"I'm a professional gambler," replied the man.

The bartender said, "There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are fifty-fifty at best, right?"

"Well, I only bet on sure things," said the guy.

"Like what?" asked the bartender.

"Well, for example, I'll bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye," he said.

The bartender thought about it. "Okay," he said.

So, the guy pulled out his false right eye and bit it. "Aw, you screwed me," said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50.

"I'll give you another chance. I'll bet you another fifty dollars that I can bite my left eye," said the stranger.

The bartender thought again and said, "Well, I know you're not blind, I mean, I watched you walk in here. I'll take that bet." So, the guy pulled out his false teeth and bit his left eye.

"Aw, you screwed me again!" protested the bartender.

"That's how I win so much money, bartender. I'll just take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the fifty dollars," said the man.

With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. Drunk as a skunk, he said, "Bartender, I'll give you one last chance. I'll bet you five hundred dollars that I can stand on this bar on one foot and piss into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop."

The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn't even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. "Okay, you're on," he said.

The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began pissing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle.

The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, "Hey pal, you owe me five hundred dollars!"

The guy climbed down off the bar and said, "That's okay. I just bet each of the guys in the card room a thousand bucks each that I could piss all over you and the bar and still make you laugh!"


Haisija - 7/23/2006 at 11:46 PM


FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and
help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle and I can't figure out how to
get it started" Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when
it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the
box, it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets
him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the
table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box,
then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do,
we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything
resembling a tiger." He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you
to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then ."

He sighed...............

"Let's put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."


jimstone - 1/11/2007 at 09:11 PM

No jokes since July 06? Between the war and politics it's time loosen up a bit.....

Three old men are sitting on the porch of a retirement home. The first says, "Fellas, I got real problems. I'm seventy years old. Every morning at seven o'clock I get up and I try to urinate. All day long I try to urinate. They give me all kinds of medicine but nothing helps."

The second old man says, "You think you have problems. I'm eighty years old. Every morning at 8:00 I get up and try to move my bowels. I try all day long. They give me all kinds of stuff but nothing helps."

Finally the third old man speaks up, "Fellas: I'm ninety years old. Every morning at 7:00 sharp I urinate. Every morning at 8:00 I move my bowels. Every morning at 9:00 sharp I wake up."
JS


jasonvancura - 1/24/2007 at 08:36 PM

Two blondes are sitting outside gazing at the moon.

First blonde: Which is further, the moon or Florida?

Second blonde: Duh! We can't see Florida, can we?


lolasdeb - 1/24/2007 at 10:14 PM

Born a Baptist:

Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak. But all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic....and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday. The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest. The Priest came to visit Bubba and suggested that he become a Catholic. After several
classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass.....and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, "You were born a Baptist, and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic."

Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison again filled the neighborhood. The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors and as he rushed into Bubba's yard clutching a rosary preparing to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement.

There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted: "You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you is a catfish."


metsman5 - 1/25/2007 at 04:55 AM

quote:
Here's a joke for ya... the New York Mets!!


Ha Ha Ha I'm rolling here. One game away from the world series last year is real funny. You must be a Braves fan.


greggswoman - 1/25/2007 at 05:13 AM

A lesson to be learned from typing the wrong e-mail address...
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter.

They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send a e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address, and without realizing his error, sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack.

The widow decided to check her e-mail expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: October 16, 2004

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send E-mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Looking forward to seeing you then!
Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
PS. Sure is freaking hot down here!!!


jasonvancura - 1/27/2007 at 08:34 PM

Just the facts

A man is someone who takes out the trash and acts as if he'd cleaned the entire house.


yurtle - 1/27/2007 at 09:12 PM


jasonvancura - 3/17/2007 at 09:13 PM

Two Irish guys walk out of a bar..........


bob1954 - 3/17/2007 at 10:27 PM

quote:
Two Irish guys walk out of a bar..........


There was this Polish guy that didn't bowl.........


jasonvancura - 3/18/2007 at 07:33 AM

quote:
quote:
Two Irish guys walk out of a bar..........


There was this Polish guy that didn't bowl.........



I don't get it


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